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Re: what DB approaches are right for me? [Re: Ready2Change] #2881029
01/17/20 12:12 AM
01/17/20 12:12 AM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 416
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may22 Offline
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may22  Offline
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Posts: 416

R2C, this is amazing-- thank you for sharing. I have watched it three times now and somehow-- especially the sports and control one-- speaks to me more than anything else has so far.

OG,
Hang in there. I know it is awful. I want to second the recommendation for working out-- somehow (at least for me) becoming physically strong again rather than just thinner made a huge difference in how I feel about myself. And there is something in the sweating and hard work and accomplishment (like going from only being able to do push ups on my knees to being able to knock out a couple dozen easily) that really just feeds my self-confidence and inner strength. Even if you just start out with like the 7 minute exercise app-- it really helps.

Another thing I read sbout here that I tried and I think has really helped is the supplement 5-HTP. I feel like it improved my mood the second day I took it, and my sleep has been a lot better (though by no means perfect) as well. For me, a good night's sleep will fix a lot!

Keep up the good work. You can do this. You don't need him or any man to be happy.

Last edited by job; 02/02/20 03:28 PM. Reason: Outside link not related to DB

Me (44) H (40)
M:12 T:16
D7 and D9
BD1 ILYB: April 2019
BD2 H told me about EA: August 2019 (started Jan 2019)
BD3 Just kidding!! Been a PA for the past two years!! (Dec 2019)
Re: what DB approaches are right for me? [Re: may22] #2881033
01/17/20 01:22 AM
01/17/20 01:22 AM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 106
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oceangrl Offline OP
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oceangrl  Offline OP
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Posts: 106

R2C, this is amazing-- thank you for sharing. I have watched it three times now and somehow-- especially the sports and control one-- speaks to me more than anything else has so far.

OG,
Hang in there. I know it is awful. I want to second the recommendation for working out-- somehow (at least for me) becoming physically strong again rather than just thinner made a huge difference in how I feel about myself. And there is something in the sweating and hard work and accomplishment (like going from only being able to do push ups on my knees to being able to knock out a couple dozen easily) that really just feeds my self-confidence and inner strength. Even if you just start out with like the 7 minute exercise app-- it really helps.

Another thing I read sbout here that I tried and I think has really helped is the supplement 5-HTP. I feel like it improved my mood the second day I took it, and my sleep has been a lot better (though by no means perfect) as well. For me, a good night's sleep will fix a lot!

Keep up the good work. You can do this. You don't need him or any man to be happy.[/quote]

thanks so much for these words. I have spent most of my life needing him or something to be happy. Ugh. So I am happy to be able to be learning about myself and my capabilities. I have decided I am a catch haha.

I agree the video was fantastic. I am reminding myself of that over and over again. What I have control of, and that is where my power lies. There is a book I think called "Radical Forgiveness," and it talks about being thankful for the horrible things that have happened to us because it has the potential to make us who we've always wanted to be.

I am determined to get up earlier and exercise. I want to be strong in every way. I am thin, but weak for sure! smile So I am trying to figure out how to do that on my own.

Last edited by job; 02/02/20 03:28 PM. Reason: Outside link not related to DB

the best apology is changed behavior.
***************
me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Re: what DB approaches are right for me? [Re: oceangrl] #2881035
01/17/20 01:44 AM
01/17/20 01:44 AM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 106
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oceangrl Offline OP
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oceangrl  Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 106
My husband told me when I finally found out who his OW was (PS one of my really good friends), that she was his best friend and so much more. That used to hurt me so deeply, and I feel like one of my biggest pieces of work for myself (and detachment) is to be able to be at peace knowing that I may never be his "so much more." And I want to be okay with that.

I don't want to be someone's plan b. Or the thing they settle for. And I am a bit ashamed to admit it, but previously...yeah I was willing to take those crumbs. It's so sad. But I am happy with the direction I am going.


the best apology is changed behavior.
***************
me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Re: what DB approaches are right for me? [Re: oceangrl] #2881189
01/17/20 08:58 PM
01/17/20 08:58 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 106
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oceangrl Offline OP
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Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 106
Working on GALing plan. Is it sad that its hard to think what to do? I am in that much out of practice?


the best apology is changed behavior.
***************
me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Re: what DB approaches are right for me? [Re: oceangrl] #2881211
01/18/20 12:14 AM
01/18/20 12:14 AM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 6,547
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Steve85 Online
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Steve85  Online
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Posts: 6,547
Originally Posted by oceangrl
Working on GALing plan. Is it sad that its hard to think what to do? I am in that much out of practice?


You need to find your identity again. You had it once before, it's there.


M(50), W(51),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: what DB approaches are right for me? [Re: oceangrl] #2881338
01/19/20 07:54 AM
01/19/20 07:54 AM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 106
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oceangrl Offline OP
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oceangrl  Offline OP
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Posts: 106
I am really studying the detachment thread as I am in so much pain and sorrow tonight. We went out with a friend who is in town, which is so much fun. The friend teased us about ending the night intimately, but it was awkward for us because I know he will not touch me. And he didn't. And I watched "Marriage Story" and "Grace and Frankie" on netflix because I didn't realize what they are about and the train wreck of emotions it would cause.

I just feel awful. I know he wants to leave and is trying to figure out how to afford it. My son makes comments about how he wants us to kiss and when it's just me will cry because he is terrified of divorce. It makes me feel lower than dirt. I have never felt such pain. And I feel like I have no control over the future.

I don't know what my life will be like in the future. I am trying so hard to detach and focus on myself. It just gets discouraging at times and I wonder if there are any success stories and if this really does work. I hope there is hope out there. Thanks for your support.


the best apology is changed behavior.
***************
me: 45 h: 48
m: 23 T: 26
DD1:19 DD2:16 DS:11
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Re: what DB approaches are right for me? [Re: oceangrl] #2881341
01/19/20 09:08 AM
01/19/20 09:08 AM
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 826
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FlySolo Offline
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OG - first, full disclosure, I have not read your entire thread but the feelings you describe here feel all to familiar and I felt the need to respond and let you know you are not alone.

Originally Posted by Oceangirl
I know he wants to leave and is trying to figure out how to afford it.


Yes, he is doing this. As I am sure you are too. As am I. As is my H. We all do. This is natural in sitch's which are up in the air. After BD my H set up alerts to notify him whenever a suitable property came up for rent in our area. We had discussed him moving out but I hadn't realised he had gone to the extent at actually looking for properties. It sent me spinning. But you know what, he was just getting his ducks in a row in case he MO. He did MO, but my spinning didn't help it either way, probably made it worse. Don't enable him, but let him get on with it.

Originally Posted by Oceangirl
My son makes comments about how he wants us to kiss and when it's just me will cry because he is terrified of divorce.


This is where you should concentrate your efforts. Remind him he is loved, he will always be loved, and that nothing will change that. It is tough. Kids always want their parents to stay together, and will try (in their own way) to manipulate their parents. Understand that it isn't helping. Your H doesn't want to touch you and your child encouraging him to do that will feel like emotional blackmail by proxy. So, don't be in the same room. Sit on the opposite side of the table. And don't look sad when your son says things like that. Make a joke of it, "Mummy's just been cutting onions and is a bit smelly at the moment" (but maybe only when you've been cutting onions :)). Defuse and lighten the situation.

Originally Posted by Oceangirl
And I feel like I have no control over the future ... I don't know what my life will be like in the future.


Stop thinking about the future. Find ways to enjoy the present.

Originally Posted by Oceangirl
It just gets discouraging at times and I wonder if there are any success stories and if this really does work.


We are all success stories, but maybe not always in the way you are defining success right now. Its difficult to get accurate statistics, many people stop posting (either because they've reconciled or they've moved on) but gut feel tells me only a handful end up reconciling. Those that do continue to post and have reconciled say they are happier now than before (it really is a MR 2.0) and those that have moved on say they are happier now than they were before. OG - you cannot know the future. You have to do the work.

That is the only hope we can give you. That if you do the work, then you will be happier than you were before.

There was a poster who collected all the stories which ended up in R (I can't remember who though). Adam04 is a recent addition to the list. If you go on the Surviving the Big D Forum then you will find a lot of good people who will say they too are success stories.


W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

Re: what DB approaches are right for me? [Re: oceangrl] #2881389
01/19/20 06:08 PM
01/19/20 06:08 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,436
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DejaVu6 Online
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OG...FS has given you some great advice and insight...as she did in my sitch. Your expressed emotions resonated with me as well. I know exactly where you are at right now. I was there a year ago. Terrified, sad, confused, incredulous, feeling hopeless and helpless, worried about my kids, worried about the future, longing for the comfort and stability of my old life (only an illusion, I now know)... you name it, I felt it. Even just writing about it starts to create some anxiety in the pit of my stomach and I am over it and over him.

I never, ever want to go through something that painful ever again and I have immense empathy for the newcomers on here who are just starting out on their journey. And that is really what it is...a journey. Not one you wanted to take but one you are on regardless and it is a journey that you DO get to control. You may not have any influence or control over what he does but you have all of the control over what you do.

Re: your son. I worried incessantly about my kids and what this was doing or could do to them. Honestly....what I learned pretty quickly is A) kids are very adaptable and can still thrive if you work hard to be good co-parents and B) they get their cues from you. If I could do it all over again, I would work harder in the beginning to keep my sadness from my kids. Their sadness faded In concert with mine. For months my son was hypervigalent around me. If I sniffled for any reason, he was worried I was sad or crying. It took some time but eventually he came to trust that I was okay and because he knew I would be okay, he knew that he would be okay as well. Show your son you are okay as much as you possibly can. It is the best gift you can give him...and yourself.

OG...I consider myself to be one of those success stories. No I was not able to save my marriage. I did not get him back... but I did get me back. And if someone came to me today and offered me a time machine so I could go back and try to do some things differently, I wouldn’t do it. Because my XH would still be the kind of guy who will allow resentments to build and ultimately cheat on his partner. I deserve to be with someone better than that. I deserve to be with someone who loves me enough to weather life’s storms and to forgive me for my imperfections. I need someone who is as loyal and committed as I am. I know there is someone like that out there and I’m not going to settle for anything less. You shouldn’t either. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: what DB approaches are right for me? [Re: oceangrl] #2881420
01/19/20 10:11 PM
01/19/20 10:11 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 7,336
Colorado
R
Ready2Change Offline
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Posts: 7,336
Colorado
Originally Posted by oceangrl
... I watched "Marriage Story"... the train wreck of emotions it would cause.
I watched this the other day as well. That must have been hard for you, it was hard for me and my D was 10 years ago.


Google this: Hu0xDtK3g3Q


HUGS


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: what DB approaches are right for me? [Re: oceangrl] #2881421
01/19/20 10:45 PM
01/19/20 10:45 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 6,547
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Steve85 Online
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Steve85  Online
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Posts: 6,547
OG... No one wanted out more than my wife. If you read my sitch, she was so far gone I had to start mourning her. Even when her EA ended, she started looking for EA#2. She even put up a public profile on a dating site, picture and all, explaining how she couldn't date yet but that her marriage was over and she would be able to date in the near future.

DBing works. In my case it turned my sitch around. As I embraced what she wanted 2 things happened: I started to accept it and be at ease with it. And she started to doubt that it was really what she wanted.

Focus on you. Let him figure out his own stuff.


M(50), W(51),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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