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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2887438#Post2887438


Originally Posted by Steve85
If you had a bad experience with a car, would you stop driving all together? Or would you get a new car?Throwing the baby out with the bath water is rarely a good decision. ICs are human-beings. Which means there are good ones and bad ones. Which means there are some that are right for one person, but completely wrong for another. I don't know why people get into IC, don't like, and they make a blanket decision to never do IC again. You should never settle for an IC that is bad or not a good fit. Shop around. Just like you would for a masseuse. Or a physical therapist. Or a doctor. When one doesn't work for you find another!

IC helps millions of people everyday. Don't let one bad experience sour you on IC as a concept.


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2887939#Post2887939

DBing skills also help improve relationship with your kids

Originally Posted by Steve85
Update on my D's and my relationship:

Over the last few months, I've been noticing that our relationship has been much much better. I just kept being the best dad and father that I could. As I've stated before, my W was much more quick to embrace my changes than my D was. It is important to remember that I was as bad of a father as I was a husband. I could make excuses (stressful job working 90-100 hours a week, etc), but none of that matters. The fact was I was absent. And when I was there I was surly and grumpy. I did some things right (never missed her school and sporting events, etc, always took care of her monetarily), but in general I was a bad father. Half of being a father is being there and being engaged. And in a positive, supportive way. I wasn't even doing that.

So after BD 2017, I started instituting my changes. I went to IC. I read self-help books. I learned the art of empathy and validation. I 180'd on bad behavior. I remained emotionally consistent no matter what the problem or behavior.

As I said, by about May 18, my W was fully trusting and embracing of my changes. It took my D way longer.

Last night we went to her varsity girls' basketball team playoff game. She chose not to play this year for a lot of reasons.

Anyway, I met her and my W halfway, then we rode to the game together. D wanted to sit up front (never does that!) Then at the game we walked single file down to a bleacher seat, me, my D, then my W. She walked to the other side of me and sat down (so it went her, me and my W, me in the middle). NO WAY does she choose to sit there a year ago. Then when we stopped on the way home (after eating) to get my W's car, D hopped out of the back and hopped in the front of the truck with me. Again, a while back no way does she choose to ride home with me instead of my W.

I was so emotional thinking about this week. People, make small changes in your life today! The dividends will eventually pay off.



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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2887922#Post2887922

Originally Posted by Ahkuei
and she said trust is broken (it's my fault; shouldn't be snooping on her phone)


Originally Posted by Steve85
So snooping on her phone (which should be completely open and unlocked to you BTW) is worse than having intimate discussions with an OM. DO NOT LET HER GET AWAY WITH THIS.

I told my WW in the thick of my sitch: "Nope, you aren't turning this around. Snooping on your device is no where near as bad as there being something for me to find."

Stand your ground. Command respect.


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2887990#Post2887990


Originally Posted by OverTheRainbow
Stop playing into your ex's arguments, there's not benefit to you. Do the right thing even when it's hard (it will never be the easier option).


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2888235#Post2888235

Originally Posted by wolfman
For all you newbies read this. For a long time I thought of suicide. I just wanted the pain to stop. It was unbearable, it followed me everywhere. I kept thinking my life will never get better. And I felt so sorry for myself. But like everyone says here you have to go through the pain to come out a stronger person. I felt worthless, like no one would care about me or love me. Even though I have a GF, I had to love myself. No one can love me more than me. Don’t let “these” people take your confidence, your worth, or how you felt before BD. There is a life out there, there is a bright future for you. It will not seem that way. And it may not seem that way for a long time, but that’s ok. You will be better, you will be stronger. Trust me I know, I cried for almost 16 months. But just like a broken leg. It won’t heal over night, it won’t heal in a weak. So don’t expect your “heart “ to heal any faster. This board is an amazing place and I want all of you to know. You saved this mans life many times!!! LITERALLY. Thank you for this board. For you newbies stay the course, just like the broken leg, it takes time, a lot of time!!! I hope this helps anyone who is really hurting.
Thank you to so many!!!!


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2888331#Post2888331


Originally Posted by Steve85
Detachment = not letting his words or deeds affect you emotionally.

How would you say you are doing in that regard?

I see LBWs in particular all the time give lip service to detachment, and even recognize "I am still not detached". Almost as if not being detached is a badge of honor. Sorry, but detachment is not for your sitch or to affect your WAH. IT IS FOR YOU! It is impossible to move forward without detaching.

Detachment is freeing. It helps ebb the pain. It will give you a new perspective. Detachment makes you go from thinking your life is over unless he comes back, to realizing that the world is your oyster REGARDLESS OF WHAT HE DECIDES.

When I started to detach well, the affect it had on me was profound. OH and in my sitch it also happened to help her see that she was standing to lose everything important in her life, and woke her up. NOTE: That second part is not guaranteed in anyone else's sitch. HOWEVER, that is not the reason for detachment. See my previous paragraph for why detachment is so important. TO THE LBS!! Sometimes it has the side-effect that it has an affect on the WAS.

Detach. Detach. Detach. You are happy. Upbeat. Fulfilled. Pleased. Looking forward to an awesome life. NO MATTER WHAT HE SAYS OR DOES.


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2888369#Post2888369


Originally Posted by BluWave
I am really sorry you find yourself in this situation. When I think back to the pain of my H being with OW and it being right in my face, I just shutter. It actually feels surreal and at the time I didn't think I could get through it. Of course I did, and you will too, even if our outcomes are different. I decided to post to offer you empathy because I understand the agony of knowing your H is with OW and also infatuated with her. It is like someone ripping you apart from the inside out and you might begin to question who you are, if your life as you knew it was ever real, and it can cause you to ruminate and spin with fear and pain. The advice here is often technique and goal driven, but I found that very hard to execute given the amount of depression and anxiety that was building up as things got worse.

I am saying all of this to you because I am reading that you are being hard on yourself. You are regretting engaging with him in too much conversation and texting and you are trying to validate more. From my perspective, you don't need to focus on any of that. I think you might be better off protecting yourself emotionally by creating as much space and distance as you can. I don't see anything good coming from your interactions with him. They are causing you more anxiety and self-doubt. You don't need that right now. Can you take the DB rules and principles of validating and put them on the back shelf for the time being? I also happen to think that when a person is abusing us (and I define adultery as a type of mental abuse) then validating does not serve a purpose and it anything it demonstrates weakness. When someone is all out harming you, first and foremost should come self protection and self preservation. Stay away from danger.

I recall in my sitch trying to follow the DB principles and then failing and ultimately feeling worse about myself. They became self defeating. I had too much fear, anxiety and depression. There is a lot of cookie cutter advice here, but some of our sitches are much more extreme than others. Ie, if your S picks up and leaves you for OP and then boasts about it, then that is different then them just saying they are unhappy in the M. The more extreme the behavior from them, the more difficult it can be to accept and deal with. The times I felt better about myself were when I just stayed away from him entirely and learned to drop the rope. You don't have to pretend to be strong and detached if you don't feel that way. You don't have to validate cr-p attitude and behavior from him. IMO, right now your focus should be on you and on your self protection and self preservation. You don't have to have conversations with him about anything other than logistics and that can be done in matter of fact emails. You do not have to validate anything. He does not have to know where you are at or how you feel about anything. He is not a safe person for you. You have the right to put up strong boundaries and protect yourself. He is not a safe person to have in your life at all.

I am truly sorry this is so hard right now. Please take care of yourself as best you can. Create space away from a person that is no longer safe for you. Surround yourself with people that you trust and that love you and care for you. Build new relationships with people that are supportive and strong. Celebrate yourself and your own strengths. Find GAL that are therapeutic and help you work through the grief. Just grieve. Have faith that in time, you will come out on the other side, and perhaps a stronger version of yourself.



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Original post

Originally Posted by Core

If I could pass anything over to you, its to not Google about her problems, rather, work on your own. I learned things like Anxious/avoidant attachments, covert narcissists, BPD, passive aggressive behavior and so on. All it does is increase anxiety, remove hope and build resentment. All time I wish I devoted more to boundaries and validation.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2888985#Post2888985


Originally Posted by oceangrl
My therapist gave me some sad but real advice: Going into a marriage is a fairy tale. Ending a marriage is a business deal. Cover your booty. Keep your eyes open. Know your rights and options. Hope for the best but expect the worst.


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2889898#Post2889898

Originally Posted by funbun
Journaling

Things I appreciate or bring happiness:

(1) Off work today. A lot of free time. I basically slept the whole morning. Feeling refreshed. I'll just Netflix and chill the whole day.

(2) I ran for 3 km yesterday while listening to music. Some songs hit me hard in the feels, I ran faster. It's quite
therapeutic. I plan to run regularly, probably twice a week. My go-to gym is closed so running is a good substitute for working out. Need to let a bit of sweat out to get them endorphins up.

(3) Most of my family members are working at home because of the pandemic. The virus situation $ucks but I'm glad they are here. I'm less lonely.

Since a lot of places are closed off nowadays, I go to YouTube, make sure I learn something daily. Last night I watched a video on the Art of War and how it can be applied to daily life. Two principles that caught my attention:

(1) Do not ignore the signs for war = red flags in the R.

(2) Pick your battles - learn to rest and fight battles you prepared for and have a higher chances of wining. NC with W on days I am tired, do not meet unless I am ready, and make sure to have a plan when I do contact W.

I'm pretty sure you can extract even deeper interpretations for these principles, but no time for that, gotta shower and start my day.

Carpe Diem wink


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