And I don’t want to come off insensitive, but second woman in about 6 months, plus the kid. You don’t need to love them in to keep them. I’m worried about your inability to say no and what is right for you and how that could hurt you.
You do realize that there is a pattern w/your relationships w/women? First, you were interested in CL. She was still married, but separated and possibly trying to get her divorce finalized. Then there was B and she was still married, but separated with kids and who knows if she is trying to get a divorce or go back to her h. Now, we have S. She's married, but separated from husband #3 and has kids. She evidently is now on board in getting a divorce done. Now, the last two, B and S, see you are a very good catch and you spoiled both of them rotten and have made fools of them because you don't know how to say "no" at times. They think you are a push over and thought of you as the golden goose. Andrew....learn to say "no". Put those big boy briefs on and start voicing your opinion in a much stronger voice. The women will respect you more for that.
Andrew, do you feel safer in relationships with women who are separated, but still married? Are there no divorced/single women in your village or the next village over?
I don't want to see you hurt/disappointed again. Put the brakes on this moving in stuff w/S until she is divorced. I do not think it is a wise move to have S and her 12 year old child move in. It concerns me that she isn't truly thinking about what her young son is thinking and her attitude makes me wonder if her son will eventually think it's okay to be moving in w/another woman and/or man w/o being married is just peachy. S may be a really nice lady, but suggesting that they move in makes me wonder about her.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Why oh why can’t you just do some good old fashioned ‘courting’ fgs?
If you remember, when H was tripping the light fantastic and I found out he had moved in with OW, I somehow ‘knew’ that in a way, it was the best thing to bring their R to a head. Either way.
And I was right, there’s nothing like living with the OP to kill all the romance and excitement of looking forward to a date, getting a new outfit and getting made up etc.
The butterflies as you anticipate the date.
It happened with B (for her mainly) and now you are going to risk the same? But this time involving a child?
Please think of the consequences, and there are a few including your health.
Things that are potentially wrong with this picture:
1) Your son - like many of our adult children of divorce, he's had issues and has been slow to get on his own feet. It's one thing for him to decide he's ready and eager to move out; it's another thing entirely for him to feel pushed out of his own home by a woman and child he barely knows, a child who will be getting a lot more of your attention than he has. One thing I've learned is that my adult children needed a lot more of my attention after the divorce than I expected they would - a LOT more. And even many years after the divorce, it was hard for them dealing with me dating.
2) Her 17/18 yo son - really? She's going to leave her newly 18 year old son on his own with all the animals just because he's magically turned 18? Does this sound like a good idea to ANYBODY?? Again, likely to make him feel even more abandoned than your son. And even if he's eager to live on his own, nothing in his past or in your description of him suggests he's an unusually mature and capable boy - which he would need to be to thrive in that situation. This sounds suspiciously more like her dumping her kid because she knows you won't take him and all the animals and she's a little desperate to be with you. It's a recipe for disaster for the 18 year old I think.
3) Her 12 year old son - as many others have said, it's really too early to move a young kid in with mom's new boyfriend. I'd say a minimum of a year. I know, next summer will be close to a year, but you're talking about partially moving in now. He doesn't need to be part of the wreckage if this doesn't work out. And he's being taken away from his older brother and pets.
4) Her divorce - really, that needs to be filed and well along the way before she moves in. Nothing's more likely to make her ex recalcitrant and causing trouble than knowing she's living with another man. Plus, if she IS entitled to any spousal support, that goes out the window once she's living with you.
5) Her business - ok, so if you're zoned commercial, it may make sense for her to start up her business in your house. I don't see why that has to translate into sleeping at your house. Couldn't she commute to your house on work days, just like any other worker? I think the business and the living together should be separate.
6) Your house - ok, not to sound morbid, but since I'm dealing with my mom's estate and estate planning for my kids, I think about these things - what if you kick the bucket? Your son will be in the position of possibly having to evict your girlfriend and her son from the house that he and his sister inherit from you. I'm NOT saying you should put the girlfriend in your will - definitely not!!! Just saying you may complicate things for your kids if you move her in too early and then have an unfortunate accident. It's different if you've been together for years and your kids know her well - right now she's still kind of a stranger to them (and don't forget, the stranger that they told you not to date!).
Yeah, Andrew....gonna have to go with my fellow Southerner on this one (even if he is a Texas transplant) and say down here in the heart of Dixie, this is just something that would give one pause. Is this a cultural thing because Canadians are really super nice or is what G said more accurate and you just have a hard time saying no (because you are super nice)? I say all of this out of a place of concern for you, Andrew, and you are a grown man who can and will make your own choices, but SHE IS STILL MARRIED. I don't care if she hasn't been with guy, is totally disgusted by guy, has NO thoughts of reconciliation (which I am sure are all the case), but the fact remains that she is still LEGALLY married. I just don't think this is a wise move, particularly when she is bringing her s12 into it. It would be one thing if she had said "hey, how about when s12 is with his dad, I come over and stay a night or 2?". She's still married in that scenario, but it is just involving 2 consenting adults. But now, she basically wants to start moving in and bringing s12 along for the ride, so to speak. That throws a HUGE red flag to me that she is still married and so willing to bring her young son into another man's home. And, what about the older child who still lives with her? Am I missing something because what I understood from what you said was she and s12 are going to move in with you and the other child who will turn 18 at some point during all of this is going to stay in the current apartment. So, she's going to live with you and pay rent on her current place for her older kid? That just seems odd to me. You say the move won't likely happen until summer, but if I were a betting woman, I would bet that it will happen rather quickly. She may SAY it won't be fully in until summer, but as soon as she gets her foot in the proverbial door, she's coming in full steam ahead. The only thing that might impede her would be when 17 actually turns 18. She may have the slightest pause in not wanting to move out and leave a 17 year old in their own place, but I don't think that is even really on her mind at this point.
You are a nice guy, Andrew. You took pity on 20s and let her leave all her stuff with the fleeting promise that she would come back for it (spoiler alert: she is NOT coming back for it!!!!!). Then you rescued B to keep her from being homeless now you are looking to rescue S from.....well what exactly????? You have your s25 and your cats (none of whom will likely be overjoyed by the additional bodies in their space) and as someone (sorry I don't remember who) pointed out a few posts back, you are moving a woman, child and dog into your space and you are pretty particular about your space. If you thought B wreaked havoc on it, what will a 12 year old boy and a dog do? Yikes! I get the sense (and I may be WAY off base here, so feel free to correct me if I am wrong) that you are rather taken with S, but want to go slow and don't even really want to cohabitate, but you are worried if you tell her that you will lose her. I saw you refer to her on another thread recently as your GF and that is the first time you have done that, so it is clear you really care about her and I'm sure she cares about you too.
It is really too late for me to say this, but Andrew, that light at the end of the tunnel really may, in fact, be a train barreling in your direction. Be careful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Sorry Andrew... I have to go with everyone else on this. This seems WAY, WAY too fast and she has lots of reasons to move in with you that benefit HER but not very many that benefit YOU. The one thing I haven’t heard you mention is that there is a lot of love between you. Honestly....it sounds as if you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. And I can tell you have doubts by how you describe the situation. Pay attention to those!!!! They are important. I also have a S12 and they are not as unflappable as some people might think. I also STRONGLY agree with KML’s assessment of S’s son. Make no mistake... she is DUMPING him and leaving him with all of the household responsibilities and justifying by saying he wants to live on his own. Trust me, he does not want THIS and I would bet anything that she has not told him everything she is dumping on him. I would REALLY, REALLY wonder about the character of a woman who would do this to her kid. Eighteen is not that old. I hope you know that I say this with the greatest amount of respect and concern for you... I know it isn’t what you want to hear. I also know that what we are all saying is not coming as a surprise to you. Deep down... you KNOW this already.
Thanks all. I know the comments come from a place of caring and I guessed what the response would be when I chose to keep you, my friends up to date and also explore my own feelings about all of this.
My own point of view is that this is just setting our feet firmly on the path rather than dancing around it. I have a lot of work to do on myself in being ready to share what has essentially been "my" space for some years.
I do know that I am by nature a rescuer and also tend to go with the flow of events and do examine my motivations carefully. Trusting the motivations of others comes with more difficulty because of that.
Thanks all.
PS - kml - you should check your messages when you have a minute.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I hope you know that crewseekers dot net will always be there for you.
Just slip out the back, Jack Make a new plan, Stan You don't need to be coy, Roy Just get yourself free Oh, you hop on the bus, Gus You don't need to discuss much Just drop off the key, Lee Andy get yourself free
