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#2879407 01/08/20 05:33 PM
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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879372&page=11

Job can you open my other thread midlife wife crisis12 so I can link. Thank you.

Last edited by Wolfman; 01/08/20 05:35 PM.

M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 640
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I know everyone has my best interest at heart but that was tough. I really do have a lot of work to do. I am trying to take it one day at a time.

Ginger I treat her like a queen. I text her during the day to see how she is doing. Take her out to her favorite restaurants and spend quality time just talking with her. Asking her some real deep questions about her. Getting to really know her and getting her to know me. Iím patient with her, meaning if there is something we disagree with I donít just blow up or make her only see my point of view. I try to really be there for her emotionally and physically. So I would say it is a 2 way street our relationship.
Ginger I know it takes time for her to get over my vindictive behavior but I wanted her to know I recognized my faults and I am truly sorry for those past behaviors.

LH I have worked real hard on validating and not being so confrontational with the ex. I know it doesnít seem like it, I donít post every little thing that happens between us either. She tries to bait me a lot of times into arguments and I donít buy into it. Once and a while yes she gets me. Please there was a time she was making fun of me for how calm I was and that I donít yell or scream. I try to always look at the situation through her eyes. Like I said sometimes I slide back but most of the time I am really trying to think about how to validate and keep things calm. My GF has told me how good I am at communicating with her, how patient and that I donít argue with her. So I really am trying.

I have to go I will talk more in a little while.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
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LH I have worked real hard on validating and not being so confrontational with the ex. I know it doesnít seem like it, I donít post every little thing that happens between us either. She tries to bait me a lot of times into arguments and I donít buy into it. Once and a while yes she gets me.


IDK what you may be saying, or if you are mainly using the same sentence when you validate. If so, she may feel you are patronizing. Maybe you could share with the board how you validate your XW. There are some folks here who could help you really fine tune your progress. (Not me, but there are others who have the gift.) She gives me the impression of an explosive chemical ready to blow at the smallest nudge. As you said, she baits you.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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I will link your new thread to your previous one for you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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W,

I guess I donít understand why there is so much communication? I havenít spoken to my ex w since Christmas.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ÔŅĹHappiness equals reality minus expectationsÔŅĹ- Magliozzi
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Originally Posted by sandi2
Quote
LH I have worked real hard on validating and not being so confrontational with the ex. I know it doesnít seem like it, I donít post every little thing that happens between us either. She tries to bait me a lot of times into arguments and I donít buy into it. Once and a while yes she gets me.


IDK what you may be saying, or if you are mainly using the same sentence when you validate. If so, she may feel you are patronizing. Maybe you could share with the board how you validate your XW. There are some folks here who could help you really fine tune your progress. (Not me, but there are others who have the gift.) She gives me the impression of an explosive chemical ready to blow at the smallest nudge. As you said, she baits you.





This is a great point. Validation is difficult because you can fall into the same phrases and then it sounds impersonal and robotic.

At a minimum, learn to get really good at repeating what she said back to her paraphrased.

Her: "It really angers me when you fight me over money for the kids."
You: "So you are saying that it is upsetting to when I question spending money on the kids."

Again, try to keep the spirit of the feeling but don't repeat it word for word.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Originally Posted by sandi2
Quote
LH I have worked real hard on validating and not being so confrontational with the ex. I know it doesnít seem like it, I donít post every little thing that happens between us either. She tries to bait me a lot of times into arguments and I donít buy into it. Once and a while yes she gets me.


IDK what you may be saying, or if you are mainly using the same sentence when you validate. If so, she may feel you are patronizing. Maybe you could share with the board how you validate your XW. There are some folks here who could help you really fine tune your progress. (Not me, but there are others who have the gift.) She gives me the impression of an explosive chemical ready to blow at the smallest nudge. As you said, she baits you.

For Christmas Eve she spent part of it alone.
W: Do you know how upsetting it is I have to be alone for Christmas Eve?
Me: I canít imagine how upsetting it is. I am sorry you are going through this.

W: Do you know how difficult your d has been with me?
Me: I have no idea please tell me more so I can understand.
Originally Posted by LH19
W,

I guess I donít understand why there is so much communication? I havenít spoken to my ex w since Christmas.

We have 2 kids 11 and 9 and they are involved in a lot of activities so most of the communication is because of the kids. Payments, arranging getting them there. Thatís most of our conversation. Every once and a while she will random text me. Like she text me once she liked my d new glasses I got her. We donít have general conversations, ex: how was your day, what are you up to? None of those!!

Steve I have to work on paraphrasing. I try to repeat the emotion that she may describe. For example if she says something is frustrating. I will say I see how that could frustrate you. Or if she is mad I will ask her to tell me more why she is mad. So I try to just focus on the emotion.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 640
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So the other day I posted on FB how happy I am that I have a new house, a new car, career going well and a beautiful woman in my life. Well ex went off the deep end. First of all she has me blocked on FB. So her friends ran to tell her or show her my post. She called me up and told how I needed to go to the house and pick up the rest of my tools or else she was putting them in the street. I said we agreed I could leave them there until I got my house. She said she doesnít want them in the house anymore. I asked what her problem was. Well she went off the deep end. Call me a piece of $h*t, I am the scum of the earth. I was never a good father or husband. I ignored those horrible statements and said I canít get there today that I was busy. I was working. She said if I wasnít there by 1:30 the stuff would be in the streets. This was at 12pm. She said my post was disgusting and I am a horrible human being. I said all I posted was that I was happy. Well she didnít like that. I am moving on and not at her becking call. Then at 3 pm her father called me who is 75 and left me a message and said he read my comment and itís horrible that I posted that. And all my stuff was going in the street right now. I grabbed a buddy and went over there with a van. She came flying out cursing me, I would not respond, I just kept grabbing my stuff and it infuriated her more that I would not respond following me to my car as I put stuff in it. Then her dad came out cursing at me, then her mom. Then she started to throw my stuff on the lawn and kick it. The mean time I kept my cool and ignored it all. The only thing I said was to the father, that his daughter has posted endless tuff about me and I never said anything I post one thing that I am happy and I am a piece of garbage. This whole thing is ridiculous. So I have to me miserable and chasing her all the tiMe, she can post endless stuff about me on FB, I post one thing that I am happy and this?? Ughh


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
Moved out: 8/18
Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
D papers signed 11/4/19
D final 3/18/20
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,137
Likes: 129
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Oh boy you are never going learn are you.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ÔŅĹHappiness equals reality minus expectationsÔŅĹ- Magliozzi
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Originally Posted by LH19
Oh boy you are never going learn are you.


Again, displaying vengeful!!

You pretty much showed her the behavior she knew had not changed that hurt the marriage.

You asked for this one. You knew exactly who was going to see this. And you knew this would send her off the deep end.

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