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#2879070 01/06/20 09:17 PM
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Almost at 100 posts. On my old thread, so I’m starting a new one. I’m reposting my last post on the old thread so it doesn’t get lost in the shuffle.

Link to old thread: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2862763&page=1


Hi cardinal. Thanks for checking in, I was just coming here to post my update.


Since I last posted, my H has been spending more time here with us, and seeming closer and closer. The today, he texted me the following:

Hi. As you know I want to proceed with the divorce. I am going to drop the financial disclosure off to you tomorrow, and as hard as it is to talk about I am hoping we can discuss things around that. Our progress appointment is next week Tuesday. I want you to know I would never try to take her away from you and I’m not going to leave you hanging financially speaking. I just want to know what I’ll be able to accomplish with regard to affording a place where she can have a space of her own. I’m sorry if this bums you out. It brings up a lot of emotions for me too.


Though I shouldn’t be, I’m completely shocked. I let myself get caught up and got my expectations and hopes up, even as I told myself I wasn’t doing just that. And even though I’m stronger than I was, I’m devastated right now. I really thought there was no way he’d turn away again, it would just be too strange after the way things have been. But here I am. No mention of any of this over the past 2 months, and he hits me with it a week before our court date. As usual, I don’t totally believe him, but I have no choice but to take it at face value and go along with the next steps. I allowed my heart to be broken all over again. I’m so confused and so disappointed in him and in myself.
I don’t know what to do next, except that I need to go along with what comes next, and I need to completely stop the family time and whittle it down to as little contact as possible...? I don’t even know anymore.

HopeCA #2879102 01/06/20 11:59 PM
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I’ve been crying and thinking for hours. I reread the last few pages of my old thread. I think that while I succeeded in bringing H closer and rekindling a bit of what was lost, as Bluwave pointed out, people need to feel the loss to miss something. I think that a few months ago my H couldn’t see any positives and didn’t feel much warmth between us or toward me. That has changed to some degree. I felt, and still feel, that was a very important piece. I measure the success of it by the way our interactions have changed, that he has wanted to be around a lot more, and that he did express wavering about the D.
I think my only option at this point is to do what’s required of me legally, and to now 180 on the family time and friendly stuff. I’ve shown him what we have that’s worth missing, and now it’s time to buckle down and let him (hopefully) miss what we’ve had lately.

Blu- What does that look like? How do I do that without coming across as cold or angry?

HopeCA #2879123 01/07/20 02:45 AM
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I'm so sorry you are hurting. It's natural to have experienced hope again after the changes and conversations with your H over the past few months. Give yourself space to feel your feelings and don't beat yourself up.

I do agree that accepting the D and going forward with it is your best/only option. Working towards completely separating your life with D4 from his life with D4 is probably a good thing to focus on now. You and she are a family, he and she are a family, but you all three are not a family anymore.

With regards to cutting out family time... You could approach it by wanting set some co-parenting boundaries and ask for his input? "This how I'm picturing things being once we are divorced. XYZ. What do you think? I'd love to implement these changes straight away to prepare D4 for the divorce." You could frame it as being for D4's benefit to avoid causing confusion about her family structure and to explain things to her going forward.

The idea being that demonstrating calm, logical cooperation will prevent you coming across cold and angry. What do you reckon?

Hugs.


chumplady.com
HopeCA #2879129 01/07/20 03:46 AM
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Hope, I’m so sorry to read this update. I’m sending hugs. I agree with scout—don’t feel bad for feeling hopeful. I read over and over that a D is just a piece of paper, but I know it feels like so much more than that. But I guess it doesn’t change what’s possible in the future, does it?


T: 16 M:10
BD 6/2019
HopeCA #2879293 01/07/20 10:38 PM
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Thank you both. I’m thinking about your suggestion scout, it’s not a bad one. I’m weighing it against just putting it into action without running it by him.
I’m overwhelmed with sadness, trying to get through work. I’m trying so hard to figure out how I could have been so wrong. It just doesn’t make any sense. His words say no but his actions (until this text) say yes. It feels like H is teetering at a tipping point and defaulting to the onward momentum of the divorce.
I would like to present a strong front when we talk tonight, but I can’t imagine getting through it without crying.

It’s not over til it’s over.

HopeCA #2879317 01/08/20 12:37 AM
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Hi Hope,

Hang in there. This is awful but it is true that at this point the D is just a piece of paper. It doesn't change anything. I agree that distancing yourself and unwinding a lot of the family interactions is important, mostly for your own sake-- so you can heal-- but also to give him the opportunity to feel the loss.

Sandi had a really interesting bit of advice on someone's thread-- maybe Phoenix?-- about how to act with loving detachment. I'll try to round it back up and link in for you-- thought it was really helpful.

Have you responded to him yet? Seems like a good opportunity to be calm and say OK. He's probably expecting you to be sad and disappointed.

HUGS.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
HopeCA #2879326 01/08/20 02:32 AM
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Thank you May. I’d love to read sandis advice re: loving detachment, if you have the time to find and post it here smile

I didn’t respond to H’s text. Later I’m the day D4 wanted to text him (she often uses voice dictation to text whichever of us she isn’t with) so I let her and he responded to her. I reminded him to drop off something he had of D4s that she needed for preschool. Later in the evening he texted me to say he’d dropped it off and where it was and that he hadn’t come in because it was so close to bedtime and didn’t want to disrupt. He added “we’ll talk about things tomorrow ok?”

This was strange because over this entire time, whenever he drops something off for D4 he never comes in if it’s not his day with her. He went out of his way to text this. I think he was fishing for me to respond kindly and be “normal” to assuage his anxiety and guilt. I didn’t respond to that either.
I’m working on gathering my strength and poise for tonight. I’m still not sure what my best approach is, but I’m working on being calm and trying not to cry a lot. Ugh

HopeCA #2879332 01/08/20 03:43 AM
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Hi Hope,

I can't find it-- I think it was on Phoenix's original thread which she deleted (too many identifying details). IIRC, it was about being kind, warm, etc but not letting yourself give a $hit about anything he does-- and meaning it. It was a bit more in depth than the "friendly neighbor" analogy but along those same lines. I might have copied it to my journal-- I'll look.

I'm sure he was fishing. Let him sit with his anxiety.

Try to be calm. Let him go. if you have to, run around the house and scream your head off and let it all out before he gets there so you can be ZEN on him. Things to remember:

You can't control him, you can only control your own reaction; you didn't break him therefore you can't fix him; he needs to get out of his own confusion all by himself. He's a grownup. These are his decisions he's making and there is nothing you can do about it but focus on YOU and your daughter and how you can make the best of what is happening that is within your control.

You can do this. Let us know how it goes.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
HopeCA #2879334 01/08/20 04:05 AM
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Thinking of you, Hope! You can do this.


T: 16 M:10
BD 6/2019
HopeCA #2879335 01/08/20 05:45 AM
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Hang in there. When we had our recent D talk I tried so hard to not cry but I still did anyway. You might too and that’s okay. Sometimes the best thing and the only thing you can do is to let it go. Do not blame yourself for having hope. Hope is what keeps us going.

This is from DnJ and I find his words very wise, maybe it will help you as well-
Originally Posted by DnJ

Hope lives in the realm between fantasy and reality, between expected impossibility and expected certainty. Some look upon hope as weak and remaining stuck. I assure you it is quite the opposite. Seeing the hope within a situation, sees the better possible futures and outcomes. One just needs to place their focus where it should be. I’m pretty sure you know where that is.

This uncoupling is similar to letting go of fear. Fear is easier to see; the links between a potential outcome and the feelings associated with it. Not caused by it - associated with it. You see the potential outcome hasn’t happened, and may never happen. But we are afraid of it, paralyzed by it. Fear is a tangled web of irrational and rational thoughts and feelings. Being accurate when untangling helps immensely.

If that event were to happen - what’s left to fear? It happened. Now it is just a concern and a problem (or not) which one can solve or resolve.

The idea of the possible future event triggers an emotional response. Much like how our spouse’s behaviour and actions do while we struggle to find detachment. That trigger from spouse to uncontrolled emotional response is what one is working on disrupting and basically re-wiring.

Forcing yourself to look at this at a time when your irrational response is not active allows for a different point of view. Much like hope, you can see other possible outcomes. One slowly gains control over their emotional reactions, breaking or uncoupling the event, the trigger, and the response.

Mental assertiveness - sword and shield.

You will find H and your marriage are not even in the equation. And yet the very letting go and growth may well be the very thing that allows a future reconciliation to happen. Counterintuitive.

The unwanted path that all LBS’s were force upon is an incredible opportunity, one that most people will never experience. Walk your journey and find all the blessings that await you.


BD: Sep 2019
D in progress
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