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Re: Patience and Limbo (Core thread 3) [Re: Core] #2882056
01/23/20 09:03 PM
01/23/20 09:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Core
We split time in the MBR. Wondering if I should take it back. We're on good terms...What are thoughts on taking the MBR back permanently



Is this arrangement working for YOU? If it is not, then "I decided I am sleeping in MBR every-night. She is free to sleep where she wants"


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core thread 3) [Re: Core] #2882066
01/23/20 10:30 PM
01/23/20 10:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Core
Those of you that reconciled, do you regret it? I'm recalling more of my past and remember more and more of the bad times. Was it worth it to you to go through all this?


Core - caveat, I have not reconciled with W, I have been in IHS for 11 months now, it's been 17 months since BD1 for me.

I caution you against rewriting the past. WAS and LBS both tend to rewrite the past in an effort to justify what they are doing and feeling. You are going to be angry, sad, frustrated, etc. And you're going to want to see things that happen in the past and try to make sense of them and how they relate to what you are going through now, telling yourself it was never that great, or you should have seen it sooner.

Don't do that.

It is completely natural for your brain to try to solve a problem, that's what it is designed to do. So if you tell yourself "bad things happened all the time in my marriage", your brain will search for those bad things and line them all up together, in an effort to solve that "problem" and generate a simple solution for you that "ends the pain right now".

Generally speaking, people don't stay in marriages that are bad for that long of a time if things were really that bad. Life has many ups and downs, really bad moments, and really great moments. The WAS has chosen to see only the bad moments.

It is up to the LBS to decide what he or she wants to see. I would recommend to keep your good memories equally as much as the bad.

Originally Posted by Core

I sense W is gaining some respect and I do see more is needed if I were to be happy. We split time in the MBR. Wondering if I should take it back. We're on good terms however I don't yet see us piecing unless its a very slow process. What are thoughts on taking the MBR back permanently now that W said she wants to reconcile, whether she meant it or not. Being a nice guy, what are other ways to get more respect here? Overall I think W is the only person who disrespects me. Really makes me wonder if my NG behaviors are that bad. I'd be disrespected left and right if that was the case.

A recap, we agreed to reconcile then W asked for time/space to process her feelings. I've upped my GAL. We talk way more, and are connecting ever so slightly. No counseling or future plans together. I think I've been controlled and placated or am I over thinking it and I should give more time?


In short - more time and space.

I'm going to go against the grain here with the MBR business, because it became very clear to me that the MBR did not matter in my sit. Everyone's situation is different. This is how mine was different from everyone else's.

Neither of the bedrooms in the house were nice, W and I are poor. I always spent a lot of time working on my own projects in the other BR before BD - for over a decade. When BD happened W wanted to take that over and start rearranging everything in the house to suit her wishes. I shut that down really quick - standing up for myself and telling her that no, i would not accept that. I was not about to lose my work space and have all the house turned upside down simply because she wanted out of the R. She was very angry about it but I stood my ground.

I realize this is in the minority of situations here on the forum, and some people would frown on what I did and how I did it. That's fine, they can say what they want, I really don't care.

But I have a clear conscience about what I did, and i actually gained some respect back from W for telling her that no, nothing was to be moved because she wanted a new life.

Anyway I think mine is an example of what they say here - "do what works". Every sit is unique, despite having many similar characteristics.

I would advise you to determine where you can earn areas of respect back from W. Maybe it is taking back the MBR, maybe it isn't. I don't know your sit other than reading words on a screen. I would advise testing out areas where you think you can get respect back.

Take care, Core - stay strong smile

Re: Patience and Limbo (Core thread 3) [Re: Core] #2882111
01/24/20 01:40 PM
01/24/20 01:40 PM
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R2C, funny thing is, I like the smaller bedroom. Mattress is newer and more comfortable...maybe I take that room however I dont want to lose respect or look like I'm placating.

Excellent feedback IW, thank you. I do see how the LBS can become the WAS. I fight against it daily. Hard when none of my needs are considered and havent been for a long time.

Im afraid I will despise her for doing this and ruining the best years of my kids lives. They are in the magic years. The wonder years and she has to disrupt it all. I had my part however I did a lot to prevent this. I tried hard to fix us before BD. All these old resentments shes brought up, she's never communicated about. Believe none of what they say, I remind myself but some of this could truly be why we distanced. I cant mind read.

Onward and upward, Im happy to have two loving kids.


H36, W37
D4, S1
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core thread 3) [Re: Core] #2882119
01/24/20 02:15 PM
01/24/20 02:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Core
Those of you that reconciled, do you regret it?


I didn't recon but have certainly read plenty of sitches here written by people who did. Steve's is a great example of the emotions most people go through after recon. He's been through a lot of ups and downs since reconciling, sometimes happy he did and sometimes wondering if he should have. If you ask him if he regrets it I would imagine his response would be "sometimes". It's a roller coaster. But overall I think he's happy he did, and that seems to be pretty typical as well.


Me: 58 w/ S16, D22, D25
Current R: 4 years
Previous M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:56
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core thread 3) [Re: Core] #2882158
01/24/20 04:45 PM
01/24/20 04:45 PM
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Quote
Those of you that reconciled, do you regret it? I'm recalling more of my past and remember more and more of the bad times. Was it worth it to you to go through all this?


Regret is maybe the wrong word... Don't get me wrong, my MR right now is in most ways stronger and better than it has ever been-- more open, more cooperative, more intimate (and not just sex, there's alot more to intimacy than sex.. in fact the greater portion of intimacy, imho, is stuff other than sex), etc. That said... after a trauma like infidelity and separation or near divorce or, even in some cases, actual divorce, a MR can never be exactly the same again. Some of that pain and hurt and experience is always going to be there-- it becomes part of your history and who you are and what your MR is. I myself have posted about my struggles in getting past that betrayal and hurt (and that's in a situation where I am pretty sure my W did not actually sleep with her AP!) Yes, the resolution of that can lead to very good stuff ultimately-- renewal of the marriage, increased intimacy, etc, but there is also some hard stuff. As others have posted here a MR is deliberate, intentional-- it takes continual work. It;s not like having a new GF or BF where your gut is full of butterflies and you can't keep your hands off each other and every moment is that limerance-soaked bliss, nor, even, is it like being newlyweds. Because those "feelings" always wear off. In the end, love is a choice... it's something you choose to show your spouse, and by the same token it takes intentionality to keep a MR fresh, and loving, and joyful... and that can be hard when you have that history of hurt to overcome. It (the hurt) does diminish over time, but i am told it usually never is gone completely. The trick is to learn to forgive, to not hang on to the resentment, to not let those feelings poison your MR. That is something i have struggled with a bit, but i am getting better (especially with the help of my IC/MC, who is The Bomb.)

Also, once you start GAL-ing and 180-ing in earnest, and really start seeing the results in terms of self-fulfillment and mindset, returning to the MR can be a bit of come-down if you are not careful. For me, fitness and faith (I started attending and become actively involved in a new church amongst other things) were the cornerstones of my GAL. I also spent a great deal of time reconnecting with friends with whom i had lost touch, and socializing as much as my schedule would allow. At some point a couple of months into reconciliation, I was having one of my crises of conscience/mindset/whatever... I had gone back to attending church with my W at her church, wasn't exercising quite as much, was spending by necessity less time with friends (time spent now with W socially) and, also, was noticing my head being turned just a bit by attractive women who seemed interested in me (no more than that, just "noticing"). At any rate, I had a weekend visiting my best friend while W was away visiting her Sister on the opposite coast, and we were talking and I mentioned some of the above, including my concern that i shouldn't even be looking at other women and what that said about me, etc.) and at one point he asked me "Are you happy about getting back together?" My answer was "Yes, of course"... "But at the same time, during that period before i thought we were reconciling (recall i had a couple of false starts)... it sucked, and I wouldn't want to necessarily go through that again, but in some ways I never felt more alive." And that, I think, in essence, sums up one of the great challenges of reconciling and, indeed, of being married at all. There is some talk of this recently in Steve85's thread, but the essence of it is that you never want to stop your GAL-ing and looking for constructive ways to 180, even after you have R-d. You always want to feel fully alive... don't ever get complacent and lose that. Of course, that also is not the "easy" way out, and takes intentionality and work.

All of this is one of the reasons that healthy detachment and self-improvement and self-reflection are so important to DBing, imho-- Embarking on piecing/reconciiation is not not and should not be just about the wayward or walk-away spouse doing work on themselves, seeking forgiveness, and coming back to the MR-- it is equally important for the LBS to do their own work, become the best version of themselves they can be and, in the end, figure out what this new person they have become really wants. And it is similarly important to maintain that self-improvement and constantly be looking for ways to make yourself, and your MR, the best it can be.

Hope this helps.

Quote
I sense W is gaining some respect and I do see more is needed if I were to be happy. We split time in the MBR. Wondering if I should take it back. We're on good terms however I don't yet see us piecing unless its a very slow process. What are thoughts on taking the MBR back permanently now that W said she wants to reconcile, whether she meant it or not.


I never voluntarily left the MBR in my sitch. I am sympathetic to the notion that there may be extenuating circumstances, such as the workspace scenario someone else posted here, but, by and large, I think the LBH, if he is truly interested in saving the MR, has to stake his claim to both the marital BR and marital home. In my own case, the situation was a LITTLE grayer in that our MBR bed/matress SUCKED. The one in the guest room was much more comfortable and both W and I suffer from back/neck symptoms. As such, the MBR was not always necessarily the more desirable sleeping spot, and sometimes we still go over to the guest room to sleep. That said, the "HQ" of the house was CLEARLY the MBR, and when push came to shove and I started setting boundaries I made it clear that I would be sleeping in the MBR. I cannot over-emphasize how crucial it is to gain back a woman's respect if you are going to gain back her love-- Sandi2 and others have written here in detail on this and a woman simply cannot feel romantically attracted to a man she does not respect. Running away and hiding in another BR of the house when she starts having an A is NOT the way to gain that respect.

Quote
Being a nice guy, what are other ways to get more respect here? Overall I think W is the only person who disrespects me. Really makes me wonder if my NG behaviors are that bad. I'd be disrespected left and right if that was the case.


Do not confuse lack of vitriol from your W with "respect." She can lack respect for you and still behave civilly towards you in your interactions. In fact, one of my W's "tells" that she was contacting or had just contacted or was preparing to go see "OM" was that she would start treating my much nicer and more solicitously. Remember,the opposite of love is not "hate"... it is "indifference."

Also, until you are at "piecing" you should believe nothing that she says and only 50% of what she does.

Last edited by hoosjim; 01/24/20 04:54 PM.

H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core thread 3) [Re: Core] #2882329
01/25/20 09:20 PM
01/25/20 09:20 PM
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HJ thank you very much for the response. Exactly the type of response I was looking for to help process whats going on and determine a path forward.

So all, I'm in a pickle and maybe its something new here. W and I had to talk about money, school etc after I got home from work. I felt I had to get in to relationship chat in a way, which yes, I did start. So we planned out about 7 years worth of our finacial future, my job change etc and it all involved living together...ok so that seems like it could be good towards a reconcile if. I asked if she wanted more space to think about our future. She said yes however we still did some talking. She essentially wants to stay living together because of finances and for the kids, at this time wants more time to think about the marriage. If this is all true then she is thinking about 10-20 plus years of limbo? It all seemed honest, genuine and thought through. I have no clue now what to do. I dont think she wants to reconcile, and we both are kind of forced due to finances. This is no way for us to live. Should I be thankful for the time here to DB or should I rip off the band aid? Seems only a matter of time before one of us would stray. Something I cant fathom myself doing yet I cant image years without a womans love and touch.

She brought up a few of my past wrongs which were all legit, I validated, apologised where it was owed and countered a few times. I wasn't a monster but I do see why shes so hurt. She never knew how highly I thought of her. I miss her emotionally, spiritually and physically. I cant believe how hurt she is and has been. Even though I've done little to purposely hurt her, she got hurt nonetheless and I could've protected her or prevented it. Things I could all forgive as it wasnt purposeful but as a WAW, I dont know if she'll let it go.

This is wonderful for the kids, yet sounds like a long suffering for both W and I. Help!!


H36, W37
D4, S1
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core thread 3) [Re: Core] #2882333
01/25/20 10:17 PM
01/25/20 10:17 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
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C,

You have to remember that this is how she feels today. She can certainly change her mind in the future. Youve been given the gift of time to become an AMOAFWL. If she walks then its her loss. I suggest you take this time to work on yourself and decide what kind of life you want for you and the kids in the future.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.- Will Smith
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core thread 3) [Re: Core] #2882353
01/26/20 02:15 AM
01/26/20 02:15 AM
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Core Offline OP
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Good point LH. Back to the basics. Feelings can change at anytime.

HJ I reread your response again, its sets up some great expectations for if things do happen to come around.

Not what I envisioned life to be yet it could be worse, I have so much to be thankful for yet I focus on what is lost.

Reminds me of Machs posts which I got to reread again.


H36, W37
D4, S1
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core thread 3) [Re: hoosjim] #2882366
01/26/20 01:15 PM
01/26/20 01:15 PM
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hoosjim, what a great post this was for me to read. Ive been enjoying my new life so much now and the freedom that I have these days so Ive often wondered how it would feel to R with my W. I really needed to read a post like yours to put things in perspective


Me: 38
Stbxw: 35
No kids
Mini bd: February 6, 2019
ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019
Told her to move out: September 8, 2019
W moved out: September 28, 2019
Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core thread 3) [Re: Core] #2882411
01/26/20 08:45 PM
01/26/20 08:45 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,215
Missouruh
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Missouruh
You're breaking all the rules, ignoring the parts of your reality that don't suit you, and falling under the illusion of action.

It doesn't appear she is being truthful or open with you.

You're in no more of a pickle today than a week ago.

You felt like a R talk is necessary? You ever see a hot chick when you're out and about and you feel like having sex with them? "I feel like" doesn't mean "I should".

I've made these same mistakes as you, it's all documented here. I understand the pain, just remember that pain is a feeling, you control your feelings, and you are whatever you choose to be. Mind over matter.


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
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