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Core, not only do I second everyone's suggestions about slowing down, I would go a step further and say to completely disregard her comment about reconciling. She needs to show you through ACTIONS, not words. And right now her actions are saying she is done with you and all about OM. I would give her time and space while you get out and GAL.

You ask what you can do about her cheating. Well, I understand you don't want to move out or pursue D, but you can still handle things like an in-house separation. Suggest to her that each of you take two evenings a week to GAL. Maybe she gets Monday and Wednesday and you get Tuesday and Thursday. I think I suggested this to you before but I don't think you ever implemented it. You take those two evenings and you go do something for yourself. Go have dinner with friends or whatever, but it is YOUR time and you do not tell her what you are doing with it. On her days she can go do what she wants. This will be a first step in her learning to miss you and realizing that you're not the Plan B she thinks you are.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Thank for for helping with the posts Cadet!

I'm with you all. Slow but sure wins the race.

Without too much detail, I checked out and was ready to move out. She started our R talk and said she missed me, is attracted to me and still loves me, and wants a new better relationship. D4 came close to a serious injury which W saw me prevent just in time followed by her coming down with a bad virus or flu. She is ok. W said she was glad her H was there.

W answered anything I asked about OM and blocked his phone #/emails.. maybe or maybe not full truth.
W asked to talk through resentments, which we did. We agreed to once a month outings to start. She has done everything ive asked thus far.

She called today and mentioned there were 3 things she had wanted from me the past few years and saw that Im doing them now. She mentioned liking how I was when overhearing me helping a friend with an issue with their kid.

The piecing forum is dead and I know if this is real, that its only beginning a painful and long journey. Thank you for the advice thus far. It looks like i keep my same DBing, keep it slow. Anything else to do differently if we are rebounding?


H37, W37
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ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
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Core,

I agree...you need to slow down. She knew/sensed that you were just about ready to move out. She knew she had to do something to keep you there. She appears to have no issue answering anything that you asked her about the OM and she said she has blocked his phone calls/emails. That may be true or not. Is she willing to allow you to visit her accounts and see if what she told you is the truth? Transparency has to take place and she needs to earn your trust and not sweep the mess under the carpet and forget about it.

She has no problem pointing out the 3 things from the past that you should have been doing, but are doing now. Well, what about on her side of the street? Where there any things that you wanted her to do that she hasn't done? Remember...any changes that you have made or making for yourself need to become permanent and you didn't do them to win her back.

If she truly is sincere about reconciling, then she will need to do the work necessary to earn your trust. Is she willing to see an IC or MC? Both you can't go back to the marriage and pretend that this didn't happen. A new marriage must begin and that means trust is the first on the agenda and the actions speaker louder than words. Do her actions and words mirror each other.

Please, please don't be too hasty...take things slow and this may mean some date nights together and going on from there. BTW, you may want to visit Gordie's threads over on the MLC Forum. He reconciled w/his wife and you must might find some tidbits that may help you in your situation.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hey core, job is probably right, here. My very first false start with my own wife, which was the first one where she actually seemed least somewhat sincere, and I actually believed we might be getting somewhere, was sparked by my threatening to leave. I walked away from her after a talk following discovery of a burner phone where she admitted to contacting OM. When I got home from my walk it was my intention to leave the house but she made some promises and played it down and I relented. It wasn't until I actually walked out some seven months later after discovering she had been entertaining phone calls from OM at work and then went to meet him at the gym that things finally turned for her and us over a period of several weeks (I was actually out of the house for two weeks before returning).). So... Go slow. And be prepared for setbacks and relapses. What your wife is going through is very very similar to a drug addiction, and it can be very difficult for her to finally and completely cut the cord or to do so cold turkey. She will probably try to find ways to twist your words or justify contacting OM if she is caught. U Need to be clear what you expect of her, in other words your boundaries, and clear on what the consequences are (in my case, I had told her at that time of what I now refer to as the "false start" that any further contact of any sort with om and we were done for good. When I found out 7 months later, I told her she disgusted me and didn't want to see her, gave her a week to get out of the house and then I left. She lost it, completely melted down and that started her turn right there).

In my case it took a couple of starts and stops, and, ultimately me actually leaving. It's very possible that it may take the same in your case. Stay alert, stay tough, and stay true to your changes, GALs and 180s.

Last edited by hoosjim; 01/13/20 11:30 PM.

H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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I appreciate you all for jumping in here with excellent feedback. Im still processing comments in my head from weeks back from you all and a nice fresh load here to think about.

I kept GAL going, spent a few hours at church thinking. Planning on keeping it going mornings or nights depending on work schedule. I feel like some of my 180s are becoming permanent now. I think they say it's 90 days for a habit to stick. You've given me more insights helping me find more to improve and get some attention on while keeping up the old until I'm confident it sticks.


H37, W37
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ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
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Hi All,
I sense we are going molasses slow if not backwards. Voice tone has changed and we talk more however yesterday there was still some disrespectful tone and shortness. I expect if we are going in the right direction, it can be weeks with no improvement. Does that sound about right?

I think this all certainly got me to reattach. One it leaves me vulnerable and to Im sure it can push her away if she senses it. I continue to GAL and 180. Continuing self help books. Doubt however keeps creeping in. Today she asked for time. She said she needs more time to think. I didnt put on any pressure but I think she put it on herself or is in withdrawal of ending her potential fantasy futures.

I thought this part would be easier. I think it was easier to accept the D. Now i feel like everything I do will or can undo the little progress made. Whats a good game plan for those that have been in it? I'm using patience, PMA, splitting up days a bit as AS suggested. I also just had a death in the family and my friend is going to the hospital for a potential tumor. This is unbearable. I see my IC on Monday. Getting by until then.

As W seems to have backtracked asking for time, I dont think any kind of counseling is in the cards. I miss love. I miss touch. I miss family togetherness.


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BD 9/19
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C,

Everything you said isn’t surprising at all. I believe we all warned you about it. The tone and disrespect is concerning so make sure you nip it in the bud. This is going to take a really long time to play out so try to detach as much as possible.

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Hey Core,

Sorry for the loss of your family member and the difficulties your friend is going through. It is never easy no matter the circumstances.

As for your DB'ing efforts, what do you mean by reattach? You can be in a committed relationship and still be detached. Have you read the thread on detachment?

You are still very early on in your sitch. The hurt and pain are very much present and you want to rush through it. You can't. It is a process. You didn't get to this point over night and it isn't going to turn around over night. It takes time and work to get there. If you are willing to commit to self-improvement, you will be all the better for it no matter the outcome of your sitch.

Patience....and more patience.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
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Core,

go slow. Have no expectations. Keep working on detachment. She is still flopping around like a fish in the boat. Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does.

She wants you kinda, and kinda not. Be patient and we will see if the wishy washy behavior goes away.


H 34
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BD 3/12/18
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It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Thank you for the responses yesterday. I started an R chat yesterday, trying to get transparency on what happened previously while also voicing how I've felt. Stupid in my book now that i look back. I read up on piecing elsewhere where they talk about going through the past hurts and clearing the air. The more I reflect, the more I see DB rules and advice have been superior thus far.

I believe I almost pushed W back to saying we should end it. I switched subjects but I also despise how D is used as a weapon against me for control. If we repair, would she always threaten to leave....maybe. I find it disrespectful yet we are or said we were working on respect.

I'm back in limbo, maybe worse off than a month or two ago. Follow the rules.

I cant find the same patience and strength many of you have. How in times like this did you pull together so much patience? We've now had 3 chats that were not productive since our reconcile chat. I'm scared to be honest. I hurt almost as much as 3 weeks after BD. Its almost like she asked for D all over again.

I still dont think she wants the D, at least not 100 percent. How can the WW not see how much damage they are causing. Even with counseling, I can see myself getting PTSD over this.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
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