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Re: Patience and Limbo (Core thread 3) [Re: Core] #2880122
01/12/20 02:49 AM
01/12/20 02:49 AM
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 522
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IronWill Offline
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Hey Core - sorry you're having a rough go of it. That's to be expected on the emotional rollercoaster.

You're main job here right now is to protect yourself and your kids. W isn't the person you knew before, and she is going to be making all kinds of weird decisions and acting strangely. This will happen for quite some time. So your goal is to get yourself as emotionally strong as you can and be the best dad you can to your kids.

That's why I highly recommended not snooping anymore. What good is it doing you? You already know what you suspect is happening or happened already. So let it go. W is going to do what she wants, she controls her behaviors, you control yours.

The best thing you can do is focus on yourself and your kids and leave WAW to her own drama. Getting a life for yourself is very important - it will feel weird at first but the more you do it the more you will get used to it.

Stay strong! smile

Re: Patience and Limbo (Core thread 3) [Re: Core] #2880124
01/12/20 05:44 AM
01/12/20 05:44 AM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,585
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LITB Offline
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LITB  Offline
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Posts: 1,585
Core,

I'm not completely up on your sitch, only the last few posts.

It does sukk what you found by snooping and how much of a blow it is to the soul. That being said, it is an opportunity to use it as motivation and to set a boundary. Your boundary is that this is unacceptable to you and you will not tolerate it.

I was once in this exact position at one time with 2 kids. Looking back, I would have done things differently.

I get the sense that you fear how you would be able to care for your children on your own. Is that accurate? If it is, don't let that be the reason you're not assertive with your boundaries. You'll find a way whatever the outcome.

I'd suggest communicating something like:
"W, this does not work for me. I respect myself enough not to live in an open relationship. Going forward, I will not pretend that we are a family and will not be doing anything together. We can split our time with our children 50/50. I will have them Sunday-Tuesday and you will have them Thursday-Saturday. We can alternate Wednesdays to make it fair. Once we have different households, we can alternate full weeks. If/when you choose to work with me on our MR, another person cannot be involved and I need full transparency."

Again, I do not know your whole sitch, so my suggestion is an example for your reference.


Me:45 W:48
M: 04/97
1st BD: 11/10
2nd ReCon: 05/14
D-16 S-13
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core thread 3) [Re: Core] #2880240
01/12/20 08:59 PM
01/12/20 08:59 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,214
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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Missouruh
Core,

just take your time and decide on a firm plan of action before revealing anything to her. You want to cover your bases here. I like what LITB said except I would make it briefer and exclude the part about choosing to work on the MR. She already knows that part. It'd be better if she thought otherwise.

She should she go live with the OM and see how great it is. Just make sure that you aren't getting in the way of her seeing how much of a POS the OM is.

You need to make it real, for you and for her, that you aren't going to be sharing details of your lives and playing all hunky dory with her and that you aren't going to worry about her anymore.

She just wants the classic "cake-eating". Make sure you aren't running a bakery...


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core thread 3) [Re: Core] #2880371
01/13/20 04:56 PM
01/13/20 04:56 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 158
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Core Offline OP
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Core  Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 158
Mods, is there a way to hide, delete or edit old posts? I think I gave away too much information to tie back to me.

W stopped me this morning and asked to reconcile before I went to work. Amazing news though I am apprehensive to believe it. Remorse was shown, she agreed to what I asked for and I her. Great conversation and it seemed sincere.

I'd love to continue to come here for support, help others and have others read my posts for their own benefit however I think too much may tie to W and I and if found could jeopardize a chance at recon.


H36, W37
D4, S1
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core thread 3) [Re: Core] #2880380
01/13/20 05:24 PM
01/13/20 05:24 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,117
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,117
NY
Core

I received your message and the answer is YES.

However you will need to provide much more specific details as I do not read minds.

Be advised that you can only REPORT a post once so if that has happened give links.


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core thread 3) [Re: Core] #2880381
01/13/20 05:26 PM
01/13/20 05:26 PM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 303
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Jac12 Offline
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Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 303
Hold the phone Core...I'm not convinced and I'd recommend taking some time to think things over. Didn't you just confirm the OM within the last week or so?

You are right to be apprehensive to tread carefully in the beginning and continue to work on yourself.


H 37
W 31
S 2

T: 7
M: 4

BD 12/18
Separated 2/19
Living back together 04/06/2019
W Moved out again 07/15/2019
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core thread 3) [Re: Core] #2880384
01/13/20 05:32 PM
01/13/20 05:32 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 4,149
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LH19 Offline
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Slooooow way down my friend. More then likely she had a fight with OM.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core thread 3) [Re: Core] #2880389
01/13/20 05:43 PM
01/13/20 05:43 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,214
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,214
Missouruh
Adding another voice to the choir here. Core, take things very slowly.

You still should believe nothing she says and only half of what she does.

Many here have been in your shoes only to be burned. Don't jump back in with 2 feet just yet.

I'm not sure that I've seen anything too personal in your posts either, just for perspective.


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core thread 3) [Re: ovrrnbw] #2880396
01/13/20 05:57 PM
01/13/20 05:57 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 1,061
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hoosjim Offline
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Agree with the others. Take it slow. Be healthily skeptical.

Review Sandi2's posts and threads for what to look for from a WW to know she is "turning" and ready to truly work on the MR. Contrition, sincere sorrow for her actions (and not just "Im sorry i hurt you, but: "I am sorry for having an affair, it was wrong"), expressed and DEMONSTRATED commitment to working to save the MR, willing to do whatever it takes to save MR. Actions speak louder than words. In general, she should agree to strict NC with OM, some form of transparency with you WRT devices, etc, MC and, possibly, IC depending on your sitch. Read and re-read Sandi2's stuff. You'll likely "know it when you see it"... when their rebellious spirit dies out, it's usually a complete change in demeanor/behavior.

You are likely to experience many stops and starts. I certainly did. In my case, evidence that my WW was willing to do the hard work was that she came clean on everything involving her and OM: was VERY contrite and apologetic, almost desperately so; not only agreed to MC/IC but sought our counselor out on her own after I had walked out; was finally willing to be intimate with me.


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Re: Patience and Limbo (Core thread 3) [Re: Core] #2880402
01/13/20 06:06 PM
01/13/20 06:06 PM
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,585
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LITB Offline
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Posts: 1,585
I'd also suggest to slow down. Like school zone speed.

You've only been here a very short time and just recently discovered communication between your W and OM.

What has changed in the last couple of days?

Heck, what has changed since you arrived here?

Are your relationship skills improved?

Has your W done anything to regain your trust?

Has she done any work to address her part of the demise of your MR?

There are plenty of questions that need to be answered, before jumping right into recon.....and there needs to be transparency on her part. Breath, and don't race to the end. Otherwise, you have to start over. Been there, done that.


Me:45 W:48
M: 04/97
1st BD: 11/10
2nd ReCon: 05/14
D-16 S-13
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
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