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Taz #2903289 09/08/20 11:36 AM
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Taz,

DNJ just wrote to you no pressure.

Did she respond? If not you definitely set yourself back.

Taz #2903322 09/08/20 04:34 PM
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LH - Yep, you are right that email was pressure. I doubt she will respond and that’s ok. I’ll get back to NC because that was working for me.

Thanks for the 2x4. Sometime we are our own worst enemy in these situations. The stove is hot so don’t touch it.

Taz


M57 (53@BD)
XW55 (50@BD)
S24 (20@BD) S22 (19@BD)
Married 25 (22@BD) Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (moved out unannounced while I was on fishing trip)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
D final 11/10/22
Taz #2903590 09/11/20 07:54 PM
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Originally Posted by Taz
So after 9 weeks of silence I get a text from W at work last week, “Want to meet me tomorrow night at xxx?” Needless to say I was shocked. I waited 4 hours to clear my head and responded “Sure”.

It’s been 11 months since BD and this is the first time she’s wanted to meet with me alone. I went with no expectations but figured this could go one of 3 ways.

1. She is filing for divorce.
2. She wants to come home.
3. ???

So we we had dinner, a few beers and light conversation about our sons, families, sports and current events. No relationship talks. So I guess #3 was the outcome. I’m still perplexed by this random reach out. Was this just a temp check?

Still standing,

Taz



Hi Taz,

I am not following your sitch, but the post above caught my eye.

As you know, no R talk is good. If she brings R up, listening and validating are your goals. Listen to understand. Do not share your point of view. STFU is the rule. Direct questions get a deflection--> "I am not sure. I need time to think about that". Then discuss here, make a decision, and give her a response.



You have had 11 months to work on yourself. Were you behaving different? Do you think she noticed a difference?

We are all given the gift of time to work on ourselves going through this process. Do you believe she found you more attractive than the guy (YOU) she left?

The game of attraction and seduction is complicated until we learn the new skills needed. Then it is easy. Have you learned and practiced these new skills?

You may be one of the lucky ones that gets a chance to reconcile the R.

Do not chase the squirrel.





"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Taz #2903617 09/12/20 03:18 AM
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RC,

Yes I have been working on me. My main problem according to the W was my negativity and that I complained about everything. I don’t do that any more. Actually when I ask others if they see me this way they laugh but I know I did this around her more than I should have.

When I met with the wife she was very quiet and didn’t lead the conversation. So I asked her about her work and new supervisor she noted a few items she didn’t like about her and I just listened and validated. She also was distraught that our sons don’t communicate with her so I just listened and validated. Issues with her family listened and validated.

W is an introvert, bottler of emotions, and conflict avoider so it is tough to communicate with her these days. She most likely wants to divorce but good luck getting her to say this. She is the type of person who has a tough time deciding what she wants to order at a restaurant.

I am taking advantage of this me time by working out, running, hanging with my bro’s, home improvement projects, joined a men’s group at church, and being the best dad I can be for my two college aged sons. I would like to R with her but will be ok either way. I know she has a lot of resentment built up for me. Maybe she’ll burn through it but I’m not holding my breath. I wish she would work on herself but I have seen no indication that she is. Her reasons for leaving when I asked 11 months ago are very odd events or something that happened long ago. One was over 25 years ago.

She doesn’t have an OM yet but I heard she has one on her radar. Poor fool would not be getting a good version of her these days. Mutual friends have told me she acts like a lost teen.

Thanks for checking in,

Taz


M57 (53@BD)
XW55 (50@BD)
S24 (20@BD) S22 (19@BD)
Married 25 (22@BD) Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (moved out unannounced while I was on fishing trip)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
D final 11/10/22
Taz #2903673 09/13/20 12:55 PM
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T,

Yeah I think it’s pretty clear you got temp checked to see if your on the hook while she pursues this other guy. You’re in a tough spot right now because you made it easy for her to pursue other interests knowing she can still fall back on you if it doesn’t work out. That’s very comforting to her.

I would turn down any future invites to get together. You are too busy leading an amazing life.

Taz #2903674 09/13/20 02:46 PM
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Good Morning Taz

It’s a cool morning here with a clear blue sky. And in a rarity, not a breath of wind. The leaves are turning colour and the grass has slowed its growth considerably. I hope your day is well too.

We all touch the hot stove at first, sometimes repeatedly.

Don’t chase the squirrel. W needs time and space too hopefully realize you are not the cause of her pain and torment. She also needs to feel she lost you. And a good way to do that - live a good and full life. There is no manipulation of her journey; it’s all about your’s.

I am a big proponent for accuracy; accuracy in thought and heart. Seeing things accurately pushes back denial and ensure one’s efforts are working towards the desired affect. For example:

Originally Posted by Taz
I did send her a short email “Thinking about you a lot today, hope you are well”.

This is accurate and factual. It’s honest and true. You were thinking about her, without doubt.

Originally Posted by Taz
Probably shouldn’t have done this but I just wanted to acknowledge that I remembered the importance of the date and was thinking of her.

You can acknowledge the date without telling her.

Accuracy: You wanted her to acknowledge the date. You wanted her to remember. You wanted her to feel the importance that you felt.

It’s ok, perfectly normal. Seeing your intentions clearly will allow you to alter them, and increase your success because you are working on what is actually going on inside you.

You know this. You state, you probably shouldn’t have done this but... Everything after “but” is inaccurate justification for doing what you knew was a poor choice. Been there man, it is a tough place to get through.

We all want validation and acknowledgment. She isn’t the one to go to for that right now. She needs time and space.

Don’t worry about this, pretty much anything you do won’t really affect W’s path. It does affect your’s however. Learning and moving forward. Now, there’s an accurate statement!

With all that being said, when W reaches out again - be Taz, a man only a fool would leave.

As has been wisely said already, lead an amazing life and don’t be plan B.

How does that ^^^ fit in with the advice that you shouldn’t send the email about the anniversary? If you and W are to reconnect/reconcile it will be a new relationship. Now, don’t misread and get ahead of this, go slowly. Really slowly.

If/when she wants to see you or speak with you. I would. Fit her into your schedule where you can and want too. However, think new. This is a new R. Brand new. A meeting would be like a first coffee date to see if this person is some crazy stalker or someone you’d like to see again. Keep your history out of it. It’s a somewhat starting over mindset.

That may seem disingenuous and not accurate. Might look like sweeping everything under the rug, it’s not. MLCers walk an irrational path. For the time being W is not living fully in the present moment and has purposefully forgotten/ignored most of your shared history. She is a lost teen, which you and others have actually seen. For her those resentments from 25 years ago are not; they are yesterday. An emotional crisis is time travel for the addled mind. They relive their past, desperately running, and needing to grow up from it.

If her journey takes her through her crisis and she emerges, she and her history will come back slowly. It is then that things can be discussed. That is a long way away. Be patient. You’ve got the gift of time, use it wisely.

By the way, all this advice and suggestions are for you. Never forget you are the most important person in this equation. Find your values and beliefs, strengthen those you want, alter or discard those you don’t, and live them. Stand for them. Stand for you.

This path you are on is a long road, and you will live your convictions and beliefs. Feeling do flit. It is deep held beliefs that one’s strength and will comes from. Be very accurate in examining your values. Become the best version of you.

I hope your day is a bright one.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
LH19 #2903790 09/14/20 09:49 PM
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Originally Posted by LH19
I would turn down any future invites to get together.
You definitely do not want to jump at every offer. You also want to switch who is in control. She is in control at the moment.

First time:
I get a text from W at work last week, “Want to meet me tomorrow night at xxx?” Needless to say I was shocked. I waited 4 hours to clear my head and responded “Sure”.

Second time:
I get a text from W “Want to meet me tomorrow night at yyy?” I wait 6 hours. I respond “I can't. Already have plans”.

Third time:
I get a text from W “Want to meet me tomorrow night at zzz?” I respond “Already have plans”.

At some point, you can respond with "ABC works better for me." or a boundary "when you wait until the day before bla bla bla ..." or you can decline every invite and wait until she comes begging you to take her back because she made a mistake.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Taz #2904220 09/20/20 01:11 PM
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Good Morning Taz

How are you doing?

Are your sons attending their colleges, or is it online classes?

My kids’ universities are all online this semester, and it sounds likely to be the next one as well. The campus is actually closed.

Some of the labs need to be hands on, and special permissions are required. S19 is in an advanced physics labs and is one of a few that have keys to the campus. Upcoming experiments for him are exploring the quantum properties of our reality. He and I sure have some interesting discussions.


Have a great day my friend.

D

Last edited by DnJ; 09/20/20 01:12 PM.

Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
DnJ #2904241 09/21/20 12:40 AM
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D,

Both are living on campus. I think 50% of their classes are in person and the remainder online. I don’t know all the details as communication is not their forte. I try to limit my texts with them to a couple a week. When I get a response that is more than a word or two I am shocked.

Taz


M57 (53@BD)
XW55 (50@BD)
S24 (20@BD) S22 (19@BD)
Married 25 (22@BD) Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (moved out unannounced while I was on fishing trip)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
D final 11/10/22
Taz #2904284 09/21/20 09:33 PM
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D,

S21 reached out to me today, said he hasn’t heard from W in three weeks. I know he hasn’t seen her in over two months. This is just so bizarre. She was a good mother to them. I accept this but it just doesn’t make sense.


M57 (53@BD)
XW55 (50@BD)
S24 (20@BD) S22 (19@BD)
Married 25 (22@BD) Together 28
BD 9/29/19 (moved out unannounced while I was on fishing trip)
W filed 10/19/20 (Informed me via text)
D final 11/10/22
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