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A Message from Michele
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Re: This is a gift #2 [Re: LH19] #2881460
01/20/20 06:12 AM
01/20/20 06:12 AM
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IHCLACS Offline
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Originally Posted by LH19
U,

Are you familiar with work of Joe Dispenza? You might be interested.


His philosophies I've been following for the last year on You Tube. I discover my niece actually bought a few of his books while riding in her vehicle. The man is profound on dynamic and ability of how to change the human mind and how we interact with people and create new habits.

Re: This is a gift #2 [Re: unchien] #2881461
01/20/20 06:21 AM
01/20/20 06:21 AM
Joined: Jan 2019
Posts: 904
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IHCLACS Offline
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Hey Uni. All those emotions you felt on the 15th. (My Mom's birthday would have been 76 :-( ) are very very real and are valid. Unfortunately you can't control how other people think, their actions, their thoughts, their emotions, their decisions, or their outcome. Hell. We can't even control how long we will be on this earth for. But we can make better choices and have a little more longevity, better connections, interactions, more positivity, growth and change in the human experience. You do have control on how you show up for your kids, and you are doing ab amazing job given the circumstances.

Last edited by IHCLACS; 01/20/20 06:21 AM.
Re: This is a gift #2 [Re: unchien] #2881841
01/22/20 04:26 PM
01/22/20 04:26 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,218
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unchien Offline OP
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unchien  Offline OP
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Thanks for the rec.

I feel like I have both so much and so little to report on my situation.

I've been meditating fairly consistently (9 out of the last 10 days -- woot woot!). Sometimes it is absolutely maddening. I'll peek at the timer, can't find a comfortable position, my mind bounces around. "I need to get dish soap" to "I hope S is doing okay" to "Oooh when this is over I need to write myself a reminder..." Other times it is incredibly calming and blissful. Mostly it's in between.

I notice some minor effects, maybe from the meditation, maybe not. One measuring stick is noticing how I am more productive at work than I have been in some time.

I've gone to IC for a few years for anxiety. I learned all kinds of techniques which made logical sense, but I could never apply them effectively. In the moment, emotions took over and my thoughts fell into the same well-worn grooves. Now that I've embraced this sort of non-logical paradoxical path, those techniques have started happening automatically. Recognizing catastrophic thinking, projection, useful vs. non-useful thoughts.

It's strange... I've embraced this idea of just trying to turn down the volume in my brain and letting things be. It seems to help, but I can also tell it's going to be a lifelong process with no real end goal. Which is kind of a relief in a weird way.

Re: This is a gift #2 [Re: unchien] #2881847
01/22/20 04:48 PM
01/22/20 04:48 PM
Joined: Oct 2019
Posts: 160
USA
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KristinG Offline
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Hey U!

Just wanted to catch up. I don't have much input on your sitch (other than to keep growing yourself, which you are already doing). I can honestly say that you are the one who got me intrigued in meditation. I had never tried it before reading your thread, and it helps to have some quiet time to just sit with it. Not evaluate anything, not problem solve. Just to sit, focus on breathing, and make peace with the present while pushing thoughts of any future away. I'm glad the noise in your head is calming from where it was.

KG


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
Re: This is a gift #2 [Re: unchien] #2882030
01/23/20 07:06 PM
01/23/20 07:06 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,218
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unchien Offline OP
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I'm finding it difficult to post here lately on my situation. I am concerned about posting details for anonymity's sake. There has been a lot going on, but I will keep things vague for now.

KG, some of your recent updates have really helped me get my mind set straight. I see how your W uses all kinds of different strategies to bait you into a response. Many of these, in a healthy relationship, are perfectly harmless conversation starters. But in a toxic relationship, they are not. I don't see this as a devious manipulative plan... they just instinctively revert to the same old patterns of initiating interactions and know what works.

My W has been reaching out a lot to inquire about my thoughts on what's going on with our kids. I find it really difficult not to respond. I can detach from anything involving me and her, but when kids are involved it feels so entangled. She projects her feelings onto them ("the kids are worried about <something my W is actually worried about>", for instance) and then asks what I think. As genuine as this may appear on the surface, I know it is bait, and the goal is to get me to react and then we get drawn into an exchange where I end up validating and deflecting and trying to exit as quickly as possible. But in the moment.... it is so HARD to hold back from responding.

I do not feel like she has a healthy curiosity about my thoughts on parenting. I know it is bait, and if I bite, my thoughts will be dissected, refuted, analyzed, and debated. I may be called names. I typically give a bland neutral response (such as, "Yeah, I noticed that behavior, I am also concerned")... because I don't want to be accused of not responding and hence not caring. I can deal with all the blowback, I believe I am emotionally strong enough at this point, but it feels pointless to engage. Especially when she characterizes any response that doesn't agree with her opinions as "angry" or "venomous", etc.

I've been reading some co-parenting books about how to handle these situations. I am struggling to figure out how much to engage. I have a very very fine speck of trust right now with my W. Ideally I'd like to trust her more in the future and be able to have healthy conversations about our kids. I have no clue how to rebuild that trust when there is no healthy forum to do that. MC would have been an opportunity, but W spent 6 months sticking to the same tune of safety concerns, etc. Maybe this is just what it is, and as years pass we will build trust with the mere passage of time. I am sad for my kids to see what is happening. I have the instinct to be protective and stand up for what I think is right, but I also recognize it is a losing proposition to engage with my W right now.

Perhaps in the future I will feel like my parenting opinions are respected. At the moment, it's more of her "let's be on the same page" script... meaning she writes the book and I read it. Pretty sure I'm going to be vilified (in her mind) for a long time if not forever, no matter what happens.

Re: This is a gift #2 [Re: unchien] #2882034
01/23/20 07:23 PM
01/23/20 07:23 PM
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rooskers Offline
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U,

I completely understand. Part of my agreement is D14 cannot transport documents between each of us. So last visitation pickup I told D14 I was going out to give XW her mail. D14 begged me not to do it but I told D14 I couldn't have her do it and it would not be a problem. I went out she got out of the car and I handed her the mail and said to her "I hope you have a good day," and then came right back inside. D14 saw the whole thing. Two days later I get a formal email from her accusing me of abuse and telling me to not approach her.

How is it possible to co-parent in situations where the other person is always trying to make it seem like we are abusive in some way? Your W seems to be very similar to mine in her behavior. Do you have your children seeing there own therapists? My XW has been projecting a lot onto D14 and having her own individual therapist has helped tremedously.

Last edited by rooskers; 01/23/20 07:27 PM.

1st BD December 26, 2008
PA admitted to by XW December 29, 2008

2nd BD May 23, 2019
Daughter confirms EA
Divorce Finalized July 18, 2019
Re: This is a gift #2 [Re: unchien] #2882035
01/23/20 07:41 PM
01/23/20 07:41 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,215
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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Missouruh
U,

do your thing, state your opinions, let her deal with the you guys "not being on the same page".

There's a lot of clinical talk, overthinking, and psychological euphemisms in your post.

Simplify. Be you. Don't be what everyone tells you to be.


H 33
W 28
BD 3/12/18

Married 3 years
Together 7 years

Working on the R and on me - Spring 19
Re: This is a gift #2 [Re: unchien] #2882041
01/23/20 07:53 PM
01/23/20 07:53 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 1,020
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Originally Posted by "unchien"
I typically give a bland neutral response (such as, "Yeah, I noticed that behavior, I am also concerned")... because I don't want to be accused of not responding and hence not caring.

Hi Unchien, silly question. If I've followed your situation correctly, you gave up on this marriage some time ago. To whom are you trying to prove you care? If it's court--of course, your attorney's opinion comes first--but it'd be radically unusual for the court to hold against you only communicating with your ex about essential matters. Many people do not want tons of ex communication.

Originally Posted by "rooskers"
How is it possible to co-parent in situations where the other person is always trying to make it seem like we are abusive in some way?

Hmm. I've co-parented for years, and it's only required a minimum of communication. "D has a book report due on Wednesday. It'd be great if she finished the reading over the weekend." That must suck that both she and your daughter get emotional when you physical approach your ex. I guess my reply would be "I understand you do not want me to hand you your mail anymore, and we agreed D isn't to be a courier. Please confirm by Feb 23rd if you'd prefer that I mail it in batches 1x/month, else I'll mark them RETURN TO SENDER so the sender and/or post office know to update your mailing address."


My partner of 2yrs left and moved away. Three months later we reconciled as a family living separately. I've accepted she sees us as an "us" forever, but can't see her daughter living in my community.
Re: This is a gift #2 [Re: rooskers] #2882048
01/23/20 08:19 PM
01/23/20 08:19 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,154
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kas99 Offline
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Quote
How is it possible to co-parent in situations where the other person is always trying to make it seem like we are abusive in some way? Your W seems to be very similar to mine in her behavior. Do you have your children seeing there own therapists?


I haven't spoken to H in months. When I pick up D14 from his house she comes to the car. If I had something to share I'd email it. D14 is in IC and she's on anti depressants (nice right?)

Re: This is a gift #2 [Re: unchien] #2882049
01/23/20 08:21 PM
01/23/20 08:21 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,154
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kas99 Offline
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Quote
At the moment, it's more of her "let's be on the same page" script... meaning she writes the book and I read it. Pretty sure I'm going to be vilified (in her mind) for a long time if not forever, no matter what happens.


This is why you fight for 50/50. Fight with everything you've got then be super dad. It's not words that matter it's ACTIONS.

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