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Originally Posted by PLC
Canbird-I have read this thread, I am encouraged. It is nice to see someone’s spouse interacting no matter how little. My H left last week for work and returned Thursday late. We have basic pleasantries but nothing serious. While he was gone, I did some purging and made our D24’s room back to a nice guest room. He is not feeling well, so he moved from the couch to her room. I was so disappointed that he did not come to our room.

Reading this thread, reinforced me to continue with me. If I think back to when he came back from being three months abroad, we DO have progress. It’s just small. I’ll accept small.

Keep doing what you’re doing, we’ve got this!


Hi PLC, you are right. I should be thankful for the small interactions. I'm most thankful he's in the house, regardless of where he rests his head, although It's also been hard not having H in the mbrm. He moved back when MIL came, and nows he's back on the sofa & she's still here. It's obvious he's distancing himself from me. It's working. I dislike it. Frankly, I'm embarrassed he's doing this while MIL is here. I think he wants her to ask what's up & she's not biting. We talk a lot. He's VERY much like his dad, MILs 1st ex. She's not liking how he's acting. They still have not talked about our sitch. Interesting to see how this plays out before she goes.

The vets on here say it again & again, and I've said it too, before my sitch unraveled. DO you. Lately, I've been SO guilty of watching what H does since MIL has been here that I've forgotten about me. Granted, I want to have fun with MIL & D3, and it's normal to let things slide when guests are with you. I'm jealous that H does whatever he wants. I'm looking forward to making my real GAL plans soon.

Sending BIG hugs & high fives your ways. We CAN do this!


~Never Give Up ~
2019
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June BD
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Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
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Oct D FINAL 2020
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Originally Posted by Westo
Hi Can,

Expect anything. Only he knows his motives for coming home, having MIL to stay and clearing stuff out.

I’m sure once she leaves you will know what his motives are......you can’t change them.

Stay strong and cry when you want to. Remember who the most important people are, at this time.

You and your precious daughter.

(((Can)))



THank you Westo. I always love hearing from you. I've read a lot of your sitch (but not all) and always get something from it. Yes, so true that I will know more once MIL leaves. It scares the crap out of me. And yes, I can't change it. I will cry when I need to and stay strong always.

(((HUGS))) to you too


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
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Originally Posted by peacetoday
Yes Westo is right

and you are already here...lots of progress from b4 when you did not know where he was

You are closer to knowing and knowing is better than not

you are doing amazing and all these skills you are learning are now yours forever..




Thank you Peace for always being a cheerleader when I need it most. It really means a lot.
(((HUgs))) to you


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
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Originally Posted by job
CanBird,

You may not know exactly what his motives are at the moment, but once his mother leaves, you will have a clearer picture of what is on his mind as to whether he stays or goes. The nitpicking...in his own way, he is trying to find a justification for the way he feels. When you don't give him one, he has to distance himself just a wee bit.

I know that this is very difficult for you, but you have to observe and listen very closely. In many ways, it sounds like he's trying to tell you that you need to more independent, i.e., in learning how to do things for yourself. I could be wrong, but I think he's trying to prepare you for when he goes back to work again. But, I could be very wrong.

For now, focus on today and leave tomorrow in the future. Enjoy the time you spend w/your MIL, H and daughter. The future will reveal itself when it's ready to do so.


Hi Job. So true, once MIL leaves, I will know more. I kind of get the feeling he will go. It kills me, but there is nothing I can do but let him go and not care. My reaction will be, "If that's what you need to do".

He continues to nitpick, and tonight it was at my parenting skills. My calm reply was, "Do you have any suggestions?". H has NO idea what it's like to be a stay at home mom. The balancing act I do daily. I so wanted to tell him off. I'm D@MN good at being a mom and I'm dealing with your MLC!! With MIL here, she helps us out a lot. H has little patients and I'd love for him walk in my shoes for a week. It's NOT a cake walk. It's mentally & physically exhausting.

Yes, I do think H is preparing me to be more independent. He's a bit pushy/bossy about it, which I don't like. This could be done in a supportive way. When I listen to him talk, I imagine I'm listening to my father. UGH... it's really like that. Some of his ideas are valid. Others are SO far fetched it's ridiculous. Like applying for jobs that I have no interest in and zero experience (and I'm too old for, not physically fit for either) just because the money is good. Oh, and he'll say, "Just apply for work & don't worry about D3. We'll figure something out. ARE you KIDDING? it's SO difficult to get child care where we live. Again, he had NO idea what it's like to what in my shoes.

Thank you for the quote, FOCUS ON TODAY.... I need to do that more. Be more present in the moments with D3 & MIL. Lately I've been ignoring H mostly because he's irritating me. But I will say a few words here and there. And he does too.

FOCUS ON TODAY.
Amen

((hugs))


Last edited by job; 01/21/20 01:56 PM. Reason: edited language

~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
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Oct D FINAL 2020
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Originally Posted by Gerda
Can, if he leaves, it doesn't mean your M is over. He might have to leave again in order to restore your M later on, down the road. I was so terrified of my H leaving. I did everything possible to prevent that. I accepted years of abuse.

It could have gone either way. My H might have woken up. He still might, one day. Yours might sooner or he might later. This moment here and now is not what will determine that. That's why everyone says to prepare for a marathon, not a sprint. You are exhausting yourself with daily sprints. I know what that is because I did it too.

I see you so focused on what he is going to do, on what everything he says and does and what it means about your M, your future, his choice. You are tying yourself in knots.

I know it's so very very very hard, and you are doing great keeping it together. I wish you could step back a little, give yourself not this week and next, this word from H or this day that he did or didn't sleep in your bed. I wish you could adjust your vision to years and not days/weeks/months. It would be a little like when your D3 was learning to walk -- if every time she stumbled, you ran to the doctor crying, "She'll never walk right!" You knew it would take a year til she was running with confidence, you didn't focus so hard on each attempt. That's what I would say to do here, to work towards not noticing what H does, and not being afraid of him leaving again. He might leave again, but that doesn't change your cause for hope! Keep loving and hoping and GALing, enjoy the moments you can enjoy and let go of the others.

(((Canbird)))))


Thank you Gerda for you reply. "If he leaves it doesn't mean your M is over." Well, he's already stepped outside of the marriage ring a few times already. (Makes me sick when I think about it). I would not be surprised if he did it again. I would be shocked if he stayed and did not venture abroad. I will not stand in his way. If that's what he needs to do.

Thank you for putting the MLC into perspective of dealing with it right here & now. It might not always be this way. We don't know how this will turn out. I have been focused a lot on H. It's been just over a month since he's been home. Before that, he had been away at work for 7 months. Pretty much zero contact. So right here and now is still pretty new for me, dealing with this face to face. Adding MIL is a welcome adjustment, but has kind of stalled things. Not sure why H wanted her here. She told me she never asked to come visit, he wanted her here.

Yes Gerda, I do need to put the focus back on myself more and my journey. It's SO hard sometimes, but SO important for us to shine the light back on ourselves. FOCUS FOCUS.

YES I CAN.

((hugs))


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
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Oct D FINAL 2020
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J~ I'm challenging myself to focus on me. Part of me is D3 of course, but the main thing is to make US the number one priority everyday.

Today we did a lot for ourselves today. I hurt my foot yesterday, and I think I may have sprained or broken bones. Will see tomorrow. That is my priority tomorrow. MIL is still here to help with D3. Enjoying her while she's here. It will be a hard adjustment for us all when she's gone.

Thank you for all the posts that have come in last week. It's been rough. Definitely need to GAL; schedule some fun stuff for D3 and I that takes us out of the house more often.

I know I am strong. I know I can do this. Life doesn't prepare you for the tough parts. It's the struggles that make us stronger.

Keep on Keeping On Everyone.

((Hi five & Hugs)) xoxo


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
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yes Can

you can do it
you are doing it

living in the now
my goal for today
keep it in today


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CanBird Offline OP
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H is picking me up in 30 mins. MIL will watch D3.

I feel his plan is going to be revealed

I'm scared.


~Never Give Up ~
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Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
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Oct D FINAL 2020
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Hello Can

Expectation to zero.

Just listen and see what happens.

You will do fine.

(((Can)))

DnJ


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I know you are scared, but try to keep calm.

Take a few seconds to think before you respond to anything he has to say.

Validate, validate, validate.

Remember you can’t control him, but you can take control of you and how you conduct yourself and how you respond.

I’m about to go to bed, but my thoughts are with you.

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