Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11
CanBird #2881078 01/17/20 01:41 PM
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 180
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2020
Posts: 180
Canbird, I’ll take your high fives and hugs and resend them back out. I just wanted to say thanks for the last few posts I took so much away from this this morning and really needed it. I’m in a “why won’t he just snap out of it” funk. I know it’s pointless thinking but sometimes my mind is harder to control ....and I have a loooong way to go.

Things I love and will take with me today:

Originally Posted by DnJ
See the possibilities and keep hope alive.

Continue your path dear girl and be the best CanBird you can be. H needs, and may be looking for, a heading. Continue to be a beacon. Don’t worry he sees you.
DnJ

“He sees you”... I like that too.

Originally Posted by CanBird

Still standing. I see glimpses of kindness & normalness at times, other times he's so far away in his mind. I'm not sure what I can do differently with myself.

This is exactly what I’m struggling with right now, which always flips me into “what can I say to him to reach him”...even knowing I can’t. I need stronger tools to stop...because I am GAL and detaching it just feels like when he’s around this thought is always hanging around.
Originally Posted by peacetoday

remember this is temporary
one day at a time
Its not forever
you will gain clarity and so will H

just needs more time...


Thank you. Some days it doesn’t feel like it and I feel like an a** saying that when my situation is so new and others have been standing for 3-5 yrs. Reading and re-reading advice like this settles my mind.
Originally Posted by Gerda

Only one thing you can do differently -- turn off your brain and all senses! You are doing well with trying to enjoy the moment and doing some GAL but you are still in between that torturing yourself noticing and cataloguing every second of H's day, mood, night, activities, non-activities.

And I am SURE that he can feel you doing that, even if you give a different rhetoric, and that it will feel like pressure to him.

Standing means setting up a life in which you don't burn out from standing or torture yourself with thinking you can do something or you have to be ready for his sudden return. This is not you at a baseball game waiting for the pitch to swing. The lighthouse just lets her beam go out by standing there, and the beam is not constantly on the ship, it flashes. Flash on the rest of the world too, you do not have to train your light on him!


Again such clear advice and answers. “Turn off your brain and all senses”....seeing things written makes such a difference. I too feel like I’m doing a job of GAL but as Gerda points out I’m torturing myself by cataloguing his days and activities. I will work to shut this type of thinking off...

Originally Posted by CanBird
Thank you Job, Peace & Gerda for your posts. Always appreciate each of you.

Sending ((hugs)) & high fives out to those that need it.

We CAN do this!


We CAN do this!! I hope I didn’t highjack Gerda. Thank you for sharing your story and thank you all for helping others.

Love Laugh Live,
K

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
C
CanBird Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
J~ I did somethings I needed to. I was home alone & was sad. I shook it off & thought, If thingscwere normal I wish, would this bother me? No. I would be sad for a second & embrace the alone time and do what was on my to do list. A lot was accomplished in a little time. Being organized calms me. Setting little goals makes me feel good. I actually started the day with the small task of making my bed. I got my space a bit more organized too. I find it frustrating to have so much clutter. So my 1 year purdge continues I guess.

Trying to focus more on myself & less my spouse. When they stop communicating its hard. Today he's texting his whereabouts. Maybe cause he's with his mom? Regardless, Its nice to know whatever ones up to. They've been playing tourists all day. Happy they're hanging out, & of course wondering what conversations were had. And that's normal to wonder. But I've got to stop the wondering there & think about the nice time they had together as parent & child.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 365
Likes: 5
P
PLC Offline
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 365
Likes: 5
Canbird-I have read this thread, I am encouraged. It is nice to see someone’s spouse interacting no matter how little. My H left last week for work and returned Thursday late. We have basic pleasantries but nothing serious. While he was gone, I did some purging and made our D24’s room back to a nice guest room. He is not feeling well, so he moved from the couch to her room. I was so disappointed that he did not come to our room.

Reading this thread, reinforced me to continue with me. If I think back to when he came back from being three months abroad, we DO have progress. It’s just small. I’ll accept small.

Keep doing what you’re doing, we’ve got this!

CanBird #2881385 01/19/20 05:47 PM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
C
CanBird Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
J~ More time spent doing what makes me happy. Spent a few hours with MIL & D3 doing yard work. MIL suggested changes H had mentioned, so we went for it. I too liked his thinking & enjoyed being in the dirt. Before D3, I did all the landaping on our property. Very proud of it.

H was off doing whatever. He's back to not texting or saying what he's doing. He sometimes will share with his mom. He's either running errands or playing. It's SO irritating to me when he does doesnt communitate. I swear it's on purpose, but have to remind myself NOT to care. But when D3 asks where heis and what he's doing it bothers me to guess my reply, but I do it anyway.

MIL is amazing. She has shared her conceren for H & neither of them have gotten to the core of any issues. Not my journey. That's for them to figure out. She will be here a bit longer. I've heard return dates thrown out. None of us want her to go.

Confession time. H has slept on the sofa a few nights. I'm sure MIL is wondering why. I'm sure H wants her to ask why. I gave no reaction to this. Why bother. It kills me. I'm mad/sad. Trying not to be in my head so much. I've got to let go more but that unknowing fear is crippling. Its a passing feeling that creeps in from time to time. I hate this sitch. And yet we have moments of normal, and it feels like we could just drop our gloves & embrace. The sparks aren't out. We have wood for the fire. It's up to him to fuel it.

Shaking off the unknown. My focus needs to remain on me & D3.

Getting up & making my bed. I am strong & have to be a roll model my D3. Continue to do me.

Oh universe... Give me the strength I need to fly. I have wings.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
C
CanBird Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
J~ Rant of sorts. I just had a good cry. It's been a while. Today I tried to have a good day with D3 & MIL. It was, but H got on my nerves. Nit picking. I didnt fall for it & had to back peddle a lot today. Not being my trueself; just avoiding conflict. I don't know what his plan is, but he"s throwing all sorts of ideas my way on how I should do things for myself & around here.

Too tired to rant on... to be continued.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 618
Likes: 1
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2016
Posts: 618
Likes: 1
Hi Can,

Expect anything. Only he knows his motives for coming home, having MIL to stay and clearing stuff out.

I’m sure once she leaves you will know what his motives are......you can’t change them.

Stay strong and cry when you want to. Remember who the most important people are, at this time.

You and your precious daughter.

(((Can)))

Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 3,925
Yes Westo is right

and you are already here...lots of progress from b4 when you did not know where he was

You are closer to knowing and knowing is better than not

you are doing amazing and all these skills you are learning are now yours forever..


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
CanBird,

You may not know exactly what his motives are at the moment, but once his mother leaves, you will have a clearer picture of what is on his mind as to whether he stays or goes. The nitpicking...in his own way, he is trying to find a justification for the way he feels. When you don't give him one, he has to distance himself just a wee bit.

I know that this is very difficult for you, but you have to observe and listen very closely. In many ways, it sounds like he's trying to tell you that you need to more independent, i.e., in learning how to do things for yourself. I could be wrong, but I think he's trying to prepare you for when he goes back to work again. But, I could be very wrong.

For now, focus on today and leave tomorrow in the future. Enjoy the time you spend w/your MIL, H and daughter. The future will reveal itself when it's ready to do so.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,437
Likes: 12
Can, if he leaves, it doesn't mean your M is over. He might have to leave again in order to restore your M later on, down the road. I was so terrified of my H leaving. I did everything possible to prevent that. I accepted years of abuse.

It could have gone either way. My H might have woken up. He still might, one day. Yours might sooner or he might later. This moment here and now is not what will determine that. That's why everyone says to prepare for a marathon, not a sprint. You are exhausting yourself with daily sprints. I know what that is because I did it too.

I see you so focused on what he is going to do, on what everything he says and does and what it means about your M, your future, his choice. You are tying yourself in knots.

I know it's so very very very hard, and you are doing great keeping it together. I wish you could step back a little, give yourself not this week and next, this word from H or this day that he did or didn't sleep in your bed. I wish you could adjust your vision to years and not days/weeks/months. It would be a little like when your D3 was learning to walk -- if every time she stumbled, you ran to the doctor crying, "She'll never walk right!" You knew it would take a year til she was running with confidence, you didn't focus so hard on each attempt. That's what I would say to do here, to work towards not noticing what H does, and not being afraid of him leaving again. He might leave again, but that doesn't change your cause for hope! Keep loving and hoping and GALing, enjoy the moments you can enjoy and let go of the others.

(((Canbird)))))


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
C
CanBird Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
C
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 715
Originally Posted by Kindly
Canbird, I’ll take your high fives and hugs and resend them back out. I just wanted to say thanks for the last few posts I took so much away from this this morning and really needed it. I’m in a “why won’t he just snap out of it” funk. I know it’s pointless thinking but sometimes my mind is harder to control ....and I have a loooong way to go.

Things I love and will take with me today:

Originally Posted by DnJ
See the possibilities and keep hope alive.

Continue your path dear girl and be the best CanBird you can be. H needs, and may be looking for, a heading. Continue to be a beacon. Don’t worry he sees you.
DnJ

“He sees you”... I like that too.

Originally Posted by CanBird

Still standing. I see glimpses of kindness & normalness at times, other times he's so far away in his mind. I'm not sure what I can do differently with myself.

This is exactly what I’m struggling with right now, which always flips me into “what can I say to him to reach him”...even knowing I can’t. I need stronger tools to stop...because I am GAL and detaching it just feels like when he’s around this thought is always hanging around.
Originally Posted by peacetoday

remember this is temporary
one day at a time
Its not forever
you will gain clarity and so will H

just needs more time...


Thank you. Some days it doesn’t feel like it and I feel like an a** saying that when my situation is so new and others have been standing for 3-5 yrs. Reading and re-reading advice like this settles my mind.
Originally Posted by Gerda

Only one thing you can do differently -- turn off your brain and all senses! You are doing well with trying to enjoy the moment and doing some GAL but you are still in between that torturing yourself noticing and cataloguing every second of H's day, mood, night, activities, non-activities.

And I am SURE that he can feel you doing that, even if you give a different rhetoric, and that it will feel like pressure to him.

Standing means setting up a life in which you don't burn out from standing or torture yourself with thinking you can do something or you have to be ready for his sudden return. This is not you at a baseball game waiting for the pitch to swing. The lighthouse just lets her beam go out by standing there, and the beam is not constantly on the ship, it flashes. Flash on the rest of the world too, you do not have to train your light on him!


Again such clear advice and answers. “Turn off your brain and all senses”....seeing things written makes such a difference. I too feel like I’m doing a job of GAL but as Gerda points out I’m torturing myself by cataloguing his days and activities. I will work to shut this type of thinking off...

Originally Posted by CanBird
Thank you Job, Peace & Gerda for your posts. Always appreciate each of you.

Sending ((hugs)) & high fives out to those that need it.

We CAN do this!


We CAN do this!! Thank you for sharing your story and thank you all for helping others.

Love Laugh Live,
K


Hi Kindly, I was reading your posts the same day you posted this. I too got something from reading your sitch. MLC is a wicked wicked ride. Comforting to know we are not alone. Happy you got some take aways from what you read. We need all the support we can get. Thank you for sharing your sitch. From one another we will more forward.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
Living MY Happiest Life Ever
Page 6 of 11 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard