It’s too late now that he already got a loan from your dad, but I think given the circumstances there needs to be a boundary regarding money. It sounds like he is not responsible with money and you have to be careful to not get sucked into his bad decisions regarding finances. Anyway you could protect yourself on that front?
Don’t get on his rollercoaster. Observe his actions and do not believe his words.
What exactly do you need him to contribute? Are we talking about chores? It will be hard for you for sure, but part of dropping expectations is expecting him to behave like a normal husband who will chip in without throwing a tantrum. He sounds too emotional right now for you to discuss anything with him.
I just read your thread from beginning to end. I'm sorry you're going through this.
If by "address" you mean to get fiery, argue, complain, etc. then I'd say it's probably best not to if your aim is to reconcile. If by "address" you mean to set boundaries to ensure your own healthy and sanity, I'd say definitely! There's a thread on boundaries here. Most read it only after they good their first attempts. Think about banks and creditors. They don't get angry. They take steps to protect themselves.
Consider splitting your finances--then you don't have to worry about overspending.
I understand about letting your spouse vent and be the safe place however there is a major issue that has been sticking between us for years.
I started a business while on maternity leave just over 3 years ago. I thought I would not be able to go back to my job. My husband didn’t think it was a good idea and said so in a couple of passing conversations. I decided to do it anyway, as I really thought I would not be able to go back to my old job. He eventually supported it and even worked with at first. He wasn’t super happy about it, but always told me he made his peace with it and did everything he could to support me with it. The hard part was that I did get to go back to my original job - so I had a business and a full time job and a young child. I’d always tell everyone how much of an amazing and supportive husband I had to be able to do all this.
About a year and a half in I realized it was way too much. I apologized profusely to my husband and said it was ok, he made his peace. I tried desperately hard to get the business to a profitable place so we could sell it worth out incurring a huge debt. Eventually it grew and was a very welcome part of our community. But still had a ton of stress with it, as I was over capacity leaving little time for me to be present with my husband.
My husband was always very angry about the business, he just chose told tell me what I wanted to hear because he wanted to avoid an argument. I was devastated that he hadn’t been honest with me as I was totally and completely burnt out by the time he broke up with me - making my ability to handle anything emotional at the time impossible, meaning I way overreacted to the break up making it worse. I was so incredibly burnt out before he broke it off. I am still recovering.
In the weeks after we broke up, I showed him my remorse, apologized completely and totally for the state of our marriage and what the business did to us (although it was a lot more than that – we got married when I was 8 months pregnant, he moved to Canada to be with me from the Netherlands, I started a business, worked full time to support us as he was not yet able to work until 2 years ago, we bought a house and renovated it all in the space of 4 years and we have a 4 year old).
Fast forward to now. The business is completely shut down because of the virus. It forced our hand and now it is shut permanently. That is a good thing. My husband is still so very angry about the business. He says he is not responsible for it and he should have said no and made it clear to me at the beginning. And I said yes, that would have been good. A few hours of me being angry versus 4 years. Instead of telling me he supported it.
What my ask is now – how do I get this to stop? The anger continues, and continues and continues. He directs at me every time we have a talk about where we are at with finances. Yes, we have about 30k in debt now because of the closure. And I am paying far more towards that than he is.
Is it reasonable for me to ask him to stop directing so much anger towards me? I am tired of it and I can’t apologize any more for my part in it. He says I am choosing to take offence to his anger and I am choosing to take it personally and I should just let him rage at me. Which I have done – but enough is enough. It is not productive. He is also responsible for where we are at. The business was built to help our family, not an individual pursuit of my own interest.
The law in BC does say we are 50/50 responsible for debt incurred during the marriage (there are some exceptions to the rules here). He disagrees with this, but that is the law. Credit card/finance companies can’t legally go after the other spouse who didn’t sign for it, but that’s different than what happens in a divorce.
Do I have to continue listening to the anger in order to be a safe place?
Me 41 H 34 Son 3.5 Married almost 4 years West Coast of Canada
No. You've validated and apologized. He has to work through his anger on his own without lashing out at you. Plus like you said, it's not 100% your fault (not even close IMO). You tried to find a way to support the family when he couldn't. The business is shut down because of the pandemic, which is completely out of your control!!!
This is another boundary you need to create for yourself - exit the conversation when he's raging at you. "I understand how you feel, but if we cannot have a civilized conversation about finances, I will exit the conversation." or "I know how you feel, but I will not be talked to this way." Other vets may have better suggestions on how to respond.
I'll assume no OM/OW and you want to repair this relationship.
Originally Posted by West
Is it reasonable for me to ask him to stop directing so much anger towards me?
It is a great idea to set boundaries to protect yourself if he "rages" (the dictionary says that term implies a threat of physical force), becomes verbally abusive, calls you names, etc.
If he's simply upset, e.g., "This is so darn unfair! I didn't start this business. Now I'm saddled with $30,000 in debt!" Then, well, do you want to repair the relationship? Listening to and validating his feelings is probably a good step in that direction. "Wow--you sound really upset. I get it must feel unfair to be saddled with $30,000 in debt for a business you didn't start." It's okay to set a time limit on it, or even on occasion "I'm interested to hear more, but I'm tired, could we finish this later?"
Originally Posted by West
I am tired of it and I can’t apologize any more for my part in it.
Good, stop apologizing. 1-2 sincere apologies are plenty. Validation doesn't even require agreement.
Originally Posted by West
The law in BC does say we are 50/50 responsible for debt incurred during the marriage (there are some exceptions to the rules here). He disagrees with this, but that is the law.
When validating, don't "defend" your perspective.
(Of course, if he chooses to divorce, protect yourself to the full extent of the law.)
It's late. I should have written, "Wow--you sound really upset." or "Wow--you sound really upset. I get you think it's unfair to be saddled with $30,000 in debt for a business you didn't start."
1-2 sincere apologies are plenty. Validation doesn't even require agreement.