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P,

You live in GA? I will be in GA/Augusta next week for work.

You are getting a lot of advice ranging in different directions. I was getting the same thing when I got here. What I had to do was try each and see which person information worked the best for me and my sitch.

I think you need to do the same. I really like the list you have above. Its a great starting point.

Stop responding and reacting to all her antics. Even when she's right in front of you, learn how to not react. That tore my W up. When her actions were no longer affecting me, her first reactions were anger towards me and antagonist things. And when I didn't react to those actions, she started to distance herself and when I kept moving forward, I think she started to see, I was just putting on a show. But I took for me to walk thru all those test (I will call them test) before I start to see any credible changes. That took about a month an half of consistency. I didn't argue or react to her for over a month and that caused her to rethink her actions. That timeframe won't be the same for all sitch's, but no matter what I had to start and so do you.

Joejoe


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Originally Posted by joejoe1
P,

You live in GA? I will be in GA/Augusta next week for work.

You are getting a lot of advice ranging in different directions. I was getting the same thing when I got here. What I had to do was try each and see which person information worked the best for me and my sitch.

I think you need to do the same. I really like the list you have above. Its a great starting point.

Stop responding and reacting to all her antics. Even when she's right in front of you, learn how to not react. That tore my W up. When her actions were no longer affecting me, her first reactions were anger towards me and antagonist things. And when I didn't react to those actions, she started to distance herself and when I kept moving forward, I think she started to see, I was just putting on a show. But I took for me to walk thru all those test (I will call them test) before I start to see any credible changes. That took about a month an half of consistency. I didn't argue or react to her for over a month and that caused her to rethink her actions. That timeframe won't be the same for all sitch's, but no matter what I had to start and so do you.

Joejoe


Yes I live in Ga!

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JJ, how long will you be in Augusta? I have games next Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday.

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Do you guys think it’s ok for her to go out to dinner with me and my son? Hard to tell her no especially after my son’s basketball game. At least her entire family and my family are at his games. He is getting a lot of support. They all know what may be coming down the road.

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So P I just went and looked at your list of goals from today. Interesting how number 2 is going dark. Wondering how going dark and having dinner coincide with one another?

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D@mn this is tough. I didn’t make an objection because our son wanted her to go. I guess I could tell her that we need to take turns taking him out to eat. I told her earlier that I wanted to take him out and she invites herself after the game.

Last edited by job; 01/10/20 02:46 PM. Reason: edited language
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I’ve got a very close friend that lives in another state. I respect him very much and he is a devoted Christian family man. His advice for me is to get a divorce ASAP. One point he makes that really scares me is about my son. He thinks that my 13yr old son has already told me things like, “You only care about mom and that I let her tell me what to do etc..”. He thinks my son will eventually lose respect for me and in turn will choose to live with my W because he thinks she is the stronger person.

This really scares me as I plan on having him with me the next 4 years and being able to coach him and spend a lot of time with him. In reading, “Love must be tough”, Dobson cites several situations where the kids end up resenting and not respecting the spouse that put up with the affair. In some instances they blamed the betrayed spouse due to not taking action.

What are your thoughts on this? Anyone experience this and I guess there is no real way of knowing what may happen down the road? I have been truthful with both sons and have excluded details. Unfortunately he has heard our conversations so he knows some details in regards to them talking and meeting up but no specific details. I’ve tried my best to keep that from him and to never mention it while in the home.

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Quote
This really scares me as I plan on having him with me the next 4 years and being able to coach him and spend a lot of time with him. In reading, “Love must be tough”, Dobson cites several situations where the kids end up resenting and not respecting the spouse that put up with the affair. In some instances they blamed the betrayed spouse due to not taking action.


Sandi2 has not chimed in here in a while, but i do remember posting something on just this point on my own thread. She noted that she had seen a couple of instances just like Dotson cited... where the H had either not stood up to the WW or where the H had covered for the W and hid the truth during the divorce... leading to the children, when grown, resenting the father and having a strained, damaged relationship with him.

I wish I or someone had seen this before you agreed to let her come with you.. because she shouldn't have come. It really $uck$, but you need to be strong here... take some pain and discomfort now for the good of the kids down the road. Your W is the adulteress here... no matter how culpable you both were in getting the MR to this point, SHE is the one who actually stepped out, committed that very serious betrayal against both you AND your sons and effectively ended the MR. To show the strength you need to show your boys, and to show your W she cant guilt you or pressure you and to hopefully get back some respect, you DO NOT "play family" with her. She wants to sleep with other men? She wants a divorce? Then fine... splitting the kids and missing out on fun/warm/cozy family events and dinners, and possibly having them think less of her are part and parcel of that-- those are the natural consequence of her actions. She or her family wants to know why? You tell them just that! The boys want to know why? You tell them Mom has met someone else and has decided she would rather be with him than stay with the family... Even though you don't go out of the way to trash your W to your sons, or to provide all the gory details, you also don't go out of the way to hide the truth from them either-- they will resent you for it later.

I remember very well my WW and I having a discussion related to those very points, when she was in the throws of the affair and still plotting and anticipating her escape with OM. The subject turned to our children and what we would tell them. I indicated that I was not going to lie to our boys (then 16 and almost 18). She said "Well, why wouldn't you just want everyone to be happy?!" To which i replied "So you expect them to be happy that their family is being broken up?" She also said, somewhat smugly; "Well, if that's the case, then we'll just have to tell them the whole truth, about both sides." (Meaning including about my "neglect" of her-- to which i had of course somewhat tearfully "owned" and apologized for just a few weeks prior). Thankfully, by then i had "gotten my sea-legs" and was standing on firmer, DB-based ground and was regularly on these boards getting reams of good advice from Sandi2 and artista and others. I looked her dead in the eye and said, completely calmly and flatly: "I have absolutely no problem with that. Lets bring them in and tell them everything!" And that's the last we ever heard of THAT nonsense! To think that I would have any problem owning up to my side of the road, or that i would be afraid of revealing that information, compared to the infidelity that she had committed. Simply no comparison! But that is the fantasy world in which WWs live! My boys, as yours are, are old enough to know the truth, and old enough to know right from wrong. If you buckle in the face of your wife's wrongdoing, they WILL remember it.

In sum: Dont let her or her family "guilt" you into playing family! And don't hide the truth from your boys or cover for your WW!

Infidelity/adultery is deception and betrayal and pain and broken homes/families... THAT is the reality. And she needs a great big dose of it. Your kids will pull through it just fine... as long as you are the strong, decisive, calm, confident man, father and role model you need to be for them.

Best of luck, as always, P. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Last edited by Cadet; 01/10/20 01:06 PM.

H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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P,

I will be in Augusta for two weeks.

Yes, your son is looking for you too be strong. He's looking for you to have respect for yourself.

I disagree with a D helping you gain respect. You can get a D and still be disrespected by her. Only your actions will help you heal. If you file for a D without changing your habits and the way you interact with her than you will be in the exact same place as before D.

I have a friend, I have been giving him advice. He filed for D in Nov 18, it was finalized before that year was over. Until this eay she still comes around when she wants and has a hold on his emotions. He still have R talks with her and ask her what she's doing and who she's talking too. She's on her I can't count the number BF and might be pregnant and he's upset. I told him, why are you bothered, you are D. He's slowly coming around, but he's been D over a year now and still is hooked. He's had GFs and even dropped one because she came back, with no remorse, but just by her coming around again he dropped his GF. They barely even touched and he was ready to change his whole life. Then she just stop coming around, he found she had a new BF. He's now looking crazy asking his GF too come back. So now he's looking weak too two different women.

Respect is demanded!!!

It's going to be your frame of mind and not a piece of paper that help you gain respect.

Joejoe


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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And, to be clear, you can couch the positions and actions i discuss above in terms of boundaries. Example: "I won't lie to my children and I won't pretend that everything is okay when it is not" Consequence: "If you persist in your affair I will not cover for you with the boys and if they ask i will tell them the truth, and if you persist in your affair and/or we divorce, I will not 'play family' with you or have joint family events or holidays-- we will have to work out a custody/visitation/holiday schedule."

Also: "I will not raise my boys to unknowingly have a relationship with a predator/adulterer who had an affair with their mother and broke up their family." Consequece: "If you continue having a relationship with OM, I will not hide the truth of the genesis of that relationship from my sons."

There are other possibilities, as well, but make it about YOU (and, as well, your boys) and your boundaries that you will protect.

Also, I agree with JoeJoe, above, that you don't need to get a D to command respect. Live your life independently of her, go dark... even sell the house... She will leave of her own volition, there is no reason to force the D or to do the heavy lifting for her. All filing for D will do is create work for you and give her an out to say "See, He's the one who divorced ME!!!" As long as you are good at detaching and setting boundaries, you will not need to force the divorce the issue. That's not to say you should dodge it if she initiates, and you should very certainly consult and regularly talk to your lawyer to know your rights, but you really don't need to force the issue and take the initiative on the divorce in order to be strong, and command respect. And you can make that clear to your boys if they ask.

Last edited by hoosjim; 01/10/20 04:40 AM.

H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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