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Originally Posted by hoosjim
They also want to go to counseling to "check the box" and to show to other people that "they did everytihing they could to save the marriage". It is a VERY selfish desire and has nothing to do with you or with benefitiing the family or the MR. It's all part of her exit strategy because she wants people to like her and not see her as the low-down cheater that she is once this is all said and done. My wife was in a very similar place right after she hit me with the initial BD (in the space before i became a regular poster here). Very much wanted to find a counselor, any counselor, to "help us find a way forward" and "see if we should even be together" is, I think, the way she put it. Nothing about working on our MR or being dedicated to saving it. If she ever does "turn", one of the signs will be the way she talks about MC-ing and her willingness to undertake it explcitly and unreservedly as a means to save the MR. Right now, yours is obviously nowhere near that. She's still scheming to be with OM.


Very true and sounds just like my WW. I think she is trying to speed up the process so she can get out and move forward with OM. The way she speaks makes it sound like she is hoping he doesn't find someone else in the mean time. She even mentioned that we would only need to go twice. How convenient is that. Only go twice? Laughable

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Originally Posted by phnix
I have asked why she wants to go to counseling. Her response is to work on having a better relationship. Not necessarily to save the marriage. I know that counseling will be only for her to justify why she was having an affair and to justify that she believes I never truly loved her. Maybe to convince me I would be better off without her. These are things she has told me in the recent past. So counseling would be more for her justifications than it would be for me.
I do believe that her respect and idea of me is so low that she feels like counseling will also help me not be angry about the split.


Work on having a better relationship is a good thing IMO. The way things have been the last couple months I'd be surprised if she 180'd and was all in to save the MR. If she brings it up again, maybe ask for clarification. Going to MC to have a better relationship could mean trying to salvage the marriage in my opinion. Make sure you are communicating clearly to her and that you understand what she is saying. Obviously you aren't going to attend MC to check a box for her, but if she says to have a better relationship with you and she means it romantically then you should go.

Have you read my thread? I was in a similar position a year ago.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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phnix Offline OP
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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Originally Posted by phnix
I have asked why she wants to go to counseling. Her response is to work on having a better relationship. Not necessarily to save the marriage. I know that counseling will be only for her to justify why she was having an affair and to justify that she believes I never truly loved her. Maybe to convince me I would be better off without her. These are things she has told me in the recent past. So counseling would be more for her justifications than it would be for me.
I do believe that her respect and idea of me is so low that she feels like counseling will also help me not be angry about the split.


Work on having a better relationship is a good thing IMO. The way things have been the last couple months I'd be surprised if she 180'd and was all in to save the MR. If she brings it up again, maybe ask for clarification. Going to MC to have a better relationship could mean trying to salvage the marriage in my opinion. Make sure you are communicating clearly to her and that you understand what she is saying. Obviously you aren't going to attend MC to check a box for her, but if she says to have a better relationship with you and she means it romantically then you should go.

Have you read my thread? I was in a similar position a year ago.

I have not read your thread but I will do it.

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They also want to go to counseling to "check the box" and to show to other people that "they did everytihing they could to save the marriage". It is a VERY selfish desire and has nothing to do with you or with benefitiing the family or the MR. It's all part of her exit strategy because she wants people to like her and not see her as the low-down cheater that she is once this is all said and done. My wife was in a very similar place right after she hit me with the initial BD (in the space before i became a regular poster here). Very much wanted to find a counselor, any counselor, to "help us find a way forward" and "see if we should even be together" is, I think, the way she put it. Nothing about working on our MR or being dedicated to saving it. If she ever does "turn", one of the signs will be the way she talks about MC-ing and her willingness to undertake it explcitly and unreservedly as a means to save the MR. Right now, yours is obviously nowhere near that. She's still scheming to be with OM.


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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P,

1. Counseling usually only works if there's a commitment to have no contact with the OM.

2. If she keeps asking about counseling, that means you haven't clearly stated your requirements for going. Next time she ask, you say, "I'm going to.counseling if there's a commitment to our M, if you aren't willing to do that, stop asking me about going to counseling". That clearly define your terms. If she doesn't respect that kill the conversation, and make it a boundary. Here's a place to gain respect and hold her too a boundary, this counseling situation and her talking about the OM to you are both good places to hold her to a boundary.

If one of these conversations happen again, I'm hoping to see a comment from you stating that you got up and walked away. With a statement like. "I told you my terms dealing with those situations and you seem incapable of respecting that so I'm leaving this conversation. Get up and leave.

Joejoe


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Now, "JJ", you know my W may say she is committed just to get me to go but I do believe she is pushing harder for us to go since the new year. I'll be quiet honest, I do so much better when I am not with or around her.

She likes to also say that she is moving out because I have asked her too. Well, you darn right I did, you admitted to having sex in his new home 3 days before Christmas, while I was coaching a game. She has tried her best to manipulate me, stonewall, and gaslight me this entire time.

I think in time I will be better off no matter what happens. The wisdom from reading and working on myself and things that have held me back will be worth it in the end.

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Well yesterday she decided to start taking a yoga class at the gym where the OM works out. Seems like another way of showing disrespect toward me. Don't know. My really close friend and mentor has advised me that I need to file for D. He thinks it is the only way I will heel and gain respect back for myself.

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You know where I stand P.

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phnix Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
You know where I stand P.


Well, I sent her a text this morning saying she needed to move out ASAP. She has got to go. She sent me back some really ugly text, She is being investigated with her job and guess what she is blaming it all on me and says she hates me for ruining her life. Said she is filing for divorce as soon as she is done dealing with her union lawyer. She said she wouldn't move out until she contacted a personal lawyer.

I just validated everything she said and it pissed her off even more. I thought validation was supposed to ease the tension. lol

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Originally Posted by phnix
Well yesterday she decided to start taking a yoga class at the gym where the OM works out. Seems like another way of showing disrespect toward me. Don't know. My really close friend and mentor has advised me that I need to file for D. He thinks it is the only way I will heel and gain respect back for myself.


I will say something that used to be said a lot here. How do you feel about open marriages? Guess what, you are in an open marriage - not by choice.

I know this is probably against DB, but what she is doing is akin to emotional abuse. If she was being physical abusive would you let it continue? Would just act as if you are getting on with your life while this happens?

You are going through f the trauma of infidelity. Unfortunately, it will take a long time to get over this. You CAN DO it. You need to be prepared for the fact that the D isn't a quick fix to instantly get your respect back. It will be a step along the way. An important step.


As far your W suggesting counseling. I don't even know where to begin. I can't tell if she's legitimately messing or legitimately confused? I think you have a long way before thinking about counseling. It seems that she doesn't want to do the work prior to going to counseling.

joejoe1 has it right.


I can't remember - do you have a lawyer yet? Because if she's ranting about getting a lawyer, it's great to say have your lawyer contact my lawyer.




Last edited by Mario; 01/09/20 02:40 PM.
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