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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by phnix
Reading, "Love must be tough" and it is a very good read. Maybe the best book I've read yet that offers scripture to go along with his explanations. Only just started it but it doesn't recommend filing for divorce. I can see how Respect is at the foundation of Loving someone.

He discusses the idea of someone and the loss of respect is what causes spouses to become WW. Makes perfect since as to why tough love and standing up for what is right in a calm and confident manner gains more respect for yourself and from others.


Ummmmmm We've been telling you that for months. So because you read it in a book now it sinks in? LH face palms.


I know right!!! I am slowly waking up to reality. She doesn't love me and wants someone else but scared to make the move or the decision. Eventually I'll make the decision for her.

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P,

I am willing to bet my last dollar that the OM decision is what is holding this up. If he was committed she would have filed already. I bet he's keeping her at arms length.

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phnix Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
P,

I am willing to bet my last dollar that the OM decision is what is holding this up. If he was committed she would have filed already. I bet he's keeping her at arms length.


Being on the outside looking in you are probably right. This may be why she mentioned they have decided to stop talking and she said he is going to date other people. She also mentioned he is on Tinder. Of course I told her I didn't care to hear about him and that she is just admitting that they have still been talking.

Even repeating that phrase upsets me. Dating other people as if they have been dating all along.

Speaking on a positive note, I have been able to move forward and not focus on her.

Last edited by phnix; 01/08/20 04:12 PM.
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Yep just as I suspected. Most guys coming out of a long term marriage are not gonna want to be tied down right out of the gate.

Boy your W is sure a piece of work.

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phnix Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
Yep just as I suspected. Most guys coming out of a long term marriage are not gonna want to be tied down right out of the gate.

Boy your W is sure a piece of work.


She is back on this kick about going to counseling. I have received several text this morning already about it. I can't understand why she wants to go so bad. If she wants out of the marriage then why not just leave or file. Why is she so concerned about seeking counseling? Is it because I have been so manipulative in trying to keep her with me? Is she afraid I will try to turn our boys against her like my father did with me. She has mentioned this before to me.

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P,

Listen to me. It’s because she’s afraid of the unknown and every time she feels OM slipping away she runs to you. This statement is anti DB but I’m here to help you. Divorce this woman ASAP. Many many years down the road if she gets her $hit together you can revisit it. You are not to blame here. Were you the perfect husband? No but you don’t deserve this kind of treatment. No human being does.

Sorry man but I want what’s best for you and kids.

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You signed up for the bad times. These are the bad times. Buckle up, do the work on you, see where it goes.

Phoenix needs to be working on himself more importantly than a divorce.

That also means quit sticking his nose in for another punch.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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P,

Listen, your WW reality is different from yours. In her reality she was dating this man and in a relationship. You might not like it or want to hear it, but it's her truth.

Why do she want to go to counseling? Why did she tell she wanted to go? If she hasn't told you ask! Most likely it's for her own justification. It's a selfish move on her part, to lessen the burden of guilt. She has a lot of shame to deal with and anything that can help minimize her guilt she will try.

Lastly, you don't have to Divorce to get to where you need to be. But you do need to work on your healing. It's your choice to allow her to bring you into fights and arguments. It's your choice to listen to her vent to your about her relationship with the OM. Instead of telling her you don't want to hear about him. What actions can you take when she brings him up? One thing you can do is say, "I'm done with this conversation and walk away, every single time she mention his name or reference their relationship", and I mean every single time. She will get the message.

Stop putting all the burden on her to help you heal and respect your boundaries. Come up with tangible actions/consequences to her disrespect and hold her to them. Stop being afraid of her reactions, and learn to respect yourself more than her reactions.

Joejoe


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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phnix Offline OP
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Originally Posted by joejoe1
P,

Listen, your WW reality is different from yours. In her reality she was dating this man and in a relationship. You might not like it or want to hear it, but it's her truth.

Why do she want to go to counseling? Why did she tell she wanted to go? If she hasn't told you ask! Most likely it's for her own justification. It's a selfish move on her part, to lessen the burden of guilt. She has a lot of shame to deal with and anything that can help minimize her guilt she will try.

Lastly, you don't have to Divorce to get to where you need to be. But you do need to work on your healing. It's your choice to allow her to bring you into fights and arguments. It's your choice to listen to her vent to your about her relationship with the OM. Instead of telling her you don't want to hear about him. What actions can you take when she brings him up? One thing you can do is say, "I'm done with this conversation and walk away, every single time she mention his name or reference their relationship", and I mean every single time. She will get the message.

Stop putting all the burden on her to help you heal and respect your boundaries. Come up with tangible actions/consequences to her disrespect and hold her to them. Stop being afraid of her reactions, and learn to respect yourself more than her reactions.

Joejoe


I have asked why she wants to go to counseling. Her response is to work on having a better relationship. Not necessarily to save the marriage. I know that counseling will be only for her to justify why she was having an affair and to justify that she believes I never truly loved her. Maybe to convince me I would be better off without her. These are things she has told me in the recent past. So counseling would be more for her justifications than it would be for me.
I do believe that her respect and idea of me is so low that she feels like counseling will also help me not be angry about the split.

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They also want to go to counseling to "check the box" and to show to other people that "they did everytihing they could to save the marriage". It is a VERY selfish desire and has nothing to do with you or with benefitiing the family or the MR. It's all part of her exit strategy because she wants people to like her and not see her as the low-down cheater that she is once this is all said and done. My wife was in a very similar place right after she hit me with the initial BD (in the space before i became a regular poster here). Very much wanted to find a counselor, any counselor, to "help us find a way forward" and "see if we should even be together" is, I think, the way she put it. Nothing about working on our MR or being dedicated to saving it. If she ever does "turn", one of the signs will be the way she talks about MC-ing and her willingness to undertake it explcitly and unreservedly as a means to save the MR. Right now, yours is obviously nowhere near that. She's still scheming to be with OM.


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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