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Originally Posted by MrBrside
Hi,

This comment may get me a bit of backlash, but can I suggest you consider recording yourself..

When I lived with my WW I started to doubt myself from all the lies and gaslighting. I really did start to think I was going crazy at first. I started to go everywhere with an old iPhone in my pocket recording everything. My initial reason for this was to check when needed that I wasn’t going nuts.. After a while it served its purpose, I found this site and became familiar with the whole WW mentality..

But in the early days it really helped me... but I’ll never forget how WW would lose it and go into a rage... what added to her rage was the fact I always remained calm and composed... it drive her insane and she would scream at me “ why aren’t you shouting back” etc...
Why was I always so calm... I knew I was recording myself and no matter how much she lost it ( got physical on one occassion) I was Mr Chilled... so in its own way it’s like having that person looking over your shoulder saying “don’t lose it”.... I was also concerned she was consider lying ( she lied about everything else) to get custody of the children etc.. I knew I always had to remain calm in case I needed these as evidence..

My Ww can never justifiably say I raised a voice to her... she has told people but I know it’s lies and can prove if I need to..Because that phone meant I was always calm...

Worth considering..


My question. Why record yourself? is it only for yourself and to make sure you are calm?

Because it seems like you have this idea that you can pull it out to prove to your W or other people that you were calm during interactions you recorded. Now let me ask you? imagine that scenario playing out. Your W says you blew your top, you pull out your phone and replay the interaction. How is your W going to react? Is she going to say, "Gee, you are right. I lied to my friends. Thanks for pointing this out."

Also, all this really proves to the WW is that you recorded the calm interactions.

Not to mention you should check the local laws because it may be illegal to record other people depending on the state.

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Originally Posted by Mario
Not to mention you should check the local laws because it may be illegal to record other people depending on the state.


It's not illegal as long as you are a party to the conversation. I just learned this while watching "Bombshell" over the weekend. Here's a blurb from a law office's web site:

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Federal law permits recording telephone calls and in-person conversations with the consent of at least one of the parties. ... Under a one-party consent law, you can record a phone call or conversation so long as you are a party to the conversation.


Now whether the recording is admissible in court is another matter entirely, and does vary from state-to-state. But if you are just recording for your own personal use later as a "sanity check" as it sounds like MrBrside was, that's perfectly legal.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Originally Posted by hoosjim
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Going to try and move forward. I am disappointed in how I responded this weekend. I learned she was trying to record me having an outburst or being upset. I feel like she was trying to push me to that point. She claimed the only reason she did it was so she could show her mother how unstable I am. This life has become a circus and I am convinced she truly sees me as the enemy. I just hate this for our 13yr old S.


What did she do and how did you respond this weekend? I didn't see any posts from you from those days. Just from the hints you give above, she seems VERY wayward, still. Trying to justify her actions to go along with her selective memory of your MR (only remembering the bad and none of the good) so that (as she hopes) she can ride off into the sunset with OM and live happily ever after and get a favorable divorce settlement and every one will love her and there will be unicorns and puppy dogs for everyone etc etc etc. tired At any rate, i'd be curious to hear about it. From your perspective, just need to try to stay lovingly detached. Be as cool and indifferent as you can (indifference, btw, and not "hate", is the opposite of "love")


I was frustrated because I had a ballgame Friday night. Our son stayed at her mothers house and it was kind of a trigger due to the last time I had a game she met up with him. I mentioned something to her about it. She was upset and played it off ignoring me.

On Sunday she mentioned moving out and leaving me with the mortgage and other bills and I got heated. She began talking about OM and how it wasn't fair to him or me for her to be living like this which I took it as she was moving out so she can be exclusively with him. Needless to say I got angry and even more angry when she began making demands about me paying the mortgage and other bills as well. I felt like she is wanting to move out and possibly sticking me with most of the bills.

I am just disappointed I didn't validate and play it off like I needed too. Shouldn't have got angry and raised my voice. Need to respond better and validate when she mentions these things. I think she mentions them to get a rise out of me. I know that it is best if she moves out. She has always threatened divorce and moving out so that it will get me heated, but mentioning the OM and his plans etc.. is what really gets me pissed. It just verifies that she is in constant and detailed communication with him. How she can sit there and discuss details. She claims they have agreed to end it and that he is using tinder to start going out on dates. I know....., I told her I didn't care and I didn't care to hear about the OM.

I am going to IC starting next week. The trauma of the details and what I have continuously been through will require me to get help. I can't do it alone.

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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Federal law permits recording telephone calls and in-person conversations with the consent of at least one of the parties

This is NOT TRUE in all states. NOT TRUE. If you live in one of the one party consent states you are correct and this statement is accurate. However if you live in one of the 11 two party consent states BOTH parties must be aware and consent. This also goes to recording in person although those laws have been “evolving” over the years to only include places where there is no reasonable expectation of privacy - generally meaning public places. A home would not qualify. Need to be careful when giving advice like this - especially if it is wrong advice.

The 11 two party consent states are: California, Connecticut, Florida, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania and Washington.


DonH
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Originally Posted by DonH
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Federal law permits recording telephone calls and in-person conversations with the consent of at least one of the parties

This is NOT TRUE in all states. NOT TRUE. If you live in one of the one party consent states you are correct and this statement is accurate. However if you live in one of the 11 two party consent states BOTH parties must be aware and consent. This also goes to recording in person although those laws have been “evolving” over the years to only include places where there is no reasonable expectation of privacy - generally meaning public places. A home would not qualify. Need to be careful when giving advice like this - especially if it is wrong advice.

The 11 two party consent states are: California, Connecticut, Florida, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Montana, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania and Washington.



This is correct. AS is referring to Federal Law. However, most laws are prosecuted at the state or local level. So while a person can't be arrested and prosecuted under federal law they may have criminal liability under state law.

However, even if legal, it still will probably backfire against the spouse who was recorded without her knowledge. They won't be thanking you for showing the error of their ways.

Lastly, don't get legal advice from a forum or a movie. Check with an attorney when in doubt.

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Originally Posted by Mario
Lastly, don't get legal advice from a forum or a movie. Check with an attorney when in doubt.

Sadly, we have grown to so many laws that if we were to do this we’d be on the phone with an attorney every day of our lives. We’ve all probably broken 6 laws by noon and don’t know it. Thankfully many are never prosecuted or applied.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
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Originally Posted by DonH
Originally Posted by Mario
Lastly, don't get legal advice from a forum or a movie. Check with an attorney when in doubt.

Sadly, we have grown to so many laws that if we were to do this we’d be on the phone with an attorney every day of our lives. We’ve all probably broken 6 laws by noon and don’t know it. Thankfully many are never prosecuted or applied.


What do expect from an L? LOL. Actually, I don't advocate checking with an attorney for everything, but I think when it comes to a D or doing things for a D having sound legal advice is important. (Or at minimum check with the Law firm of Google, Google and Google.

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Reading, "Love must be tough" and it is a very good read. Maybe the best book I've read yet that offers scripture to go along with his explanations. Only just started it but it doesn't recommend filing for divorce. I can see how Respect is at the foundation of Loving someone.

He discusses the idea of someone and the loss of respect is what causes spouses to become WW. Makes perfect since as to why tough love and standing up for what is right in a calm and confident manner gains more respect for yourself and from others.

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Originally Posted by Mario
I don't advocate checking with an attorney for everything, but I think when it comes to a D or doing things for a D having sound legal advice is important.

Oh for sure! Totally agree with that.


DonH
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Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
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Originally Posted by phnix
Reading, "Love must be tough" and it is a very good read. Maybe the best book I've read yet that offers scripture to go along with his explanations. Only just started it but it doesn't recommend filing for divorce. I can see how Respect is at the foundation of Loving someone.

He discusses the idea of someone and the loss of respect is what causes spouses to become WW. Makes perfect since as to why tough love and standing up for what is right in a calm and confident manner gains more respect for yourself and from others.


Ummmmmm We've been telling you that for months. So because you read it in a book now it sinks in? LH face palms.

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