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P,

Every LBS, including me thinks their situation is in the ending stage. But it's only the beginning. Everytime you take a step forward you get stronger. It's the ones that keep doing the same things over and over and stay in the corner, wondering and asking why their situations are the why they way that stay weak.

You have made a big step and have shown how much you cared about your marriage just by searching for the site and posting as much as you can. A person that didn't care wouldn't do those things.

Keep moving forward and you will eventually see the strength you are gaining and how your WW is not moving forward but moving in the path of more destruction.

We beat ourselves trying to be perfect and make all the right choices, but here's the thing, this process is about learning how to manage imperfection.

You are managing how to be great, while being human. Learning to process mistakes and make corrections on the fly.

You got this buddy.

What position did you play in HS? I played Basketball in HS and for all the base teams. I played small forward.

Onward and Forward.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Originally Posted by LH19
P,

Don’t be to hard on yourself. I like to use the Mike Tyson quote “ everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face”. You will learn and grow from this and be happy again. Be patient and kind to yourself.

Thanks LH19, I know I will be happy again. I will definitely be much happier than I have been for the past year. She has paid all the bills, most of the credit cards in her name, and the house is in both of our names. I've got to begin doing the little things.

Canceling joint cars, moving cash into the other bank account I created, and tell her what bills she needs to pay etc... We have tried to discuss this in the past but she gets ugly about it. She tries to tell me what I will pay and what she will pay. Sad thing is I probably would fair better off financially if I would go ahead and file myself. She doesn't want to use a lawyer. She said last night that she can file online for $135. LOL I told her that is fine but I would have my lawyer look it over and make changes. I guess she will end up being ugly through this due to the credit cards etc... I'm not sure I shouldn't let her live in the house and try to make the mortgage payment herself. I will struggle to make the payment by myself and pay other bills that I have.

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Originally Posted by joejoe1
P,

What position did you play in HS? I played Basketball in HS and for all the base teams. I played small forward.

Onward and Forward.


LOL, I played the 1 and 2. I'm not very tall and that was my weakness. Had to be very skilled in order to survive playing at the next level. Being 5'9" isn't great for being a basketball player. My youngest son is already 6'0" in the 8th grade. Hopefully he will be able to help me in the coming years. We will certainly have a good time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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W took my youngest son to go bowling yesterday and invited me to go. I declined and decided to go home and do some reading. My sister is coming up from Florida this weekend and I am going to hang out with them in a nearby city.

any suggestions for going out by yourself? Where do I go? I know the bar scenes are not good. I was thinking about an upscale party in a nearby city just to get to know people and communicate with other people. I have some contacts and friends that I could hang out with at some point. Most all of my friends are married and I do not want to intrude in their lives. Any suggestions? I wouldn't mind learning how to communicate better with females. I think this will help build my self-confidence.

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Quote
any suggestions for going out by yourself? Where do I go? I know the bar scenes are not good. I was thinking about an upscale party in a nearby city just to get to know people and communicate with other people. I have some contacts and friends that I could hang out with at some point. Most all of my friends are married and I do not want to intrude in their lives. Any suggestions? I wouldn't mind learning how to communicate better with females. I think this will help build my self-confidence.


honestly, I don't see anything intrinsically bad, wrong, or dangerous about frequenting bars. It really comes down to who you are, what frame of mind you are in, and what you are looking for. Now,obviously, if you are an alcoholic or otherwise have some problem with alcohol... In that case it's probably not the best place for you to hang out. Otherwise, if that sort of thing appeals to you, then I say go for it. In my own sitch, it was a key component of my get out and GAL strategy. I happen to like live music, and there was a fairly recently opened establishment near me that had an open-air patio, and live acoustic acts every day during happy hour from 5 till 8. I work out of my house on Thursdays, so I started going there at the tail end of my work day and finishing up my admin tasks on my laptop while having a beer or cocktail and listening to the music. I love to be outdoors, and I love music, and I enjoy a good pub, so going there was very therapeutic for me especially during the more difficult stretches of my ordeal. I befriended several members of the staff, including the owner, made the acquaintance of several regulars, and even made a couple of solid friends. I even lured out one of my older, college friends oneself had just gone through a divorce and I've become a bit of a recluse. Ended up renewing our friendship and I now play basketball with him and a bunch of other guys once a week as well. Like I said, it really depends on what you're looking for and what you're willing to put into it. For me, it was a little bit of a stretch outside of my comfort zone... I am a borderline introvert (I actually test about 50/50 between introvert/ extrovert whenever I take one of those personality type test) and going out to a bar by myself is not something that the pre- BD hoosjim whatever have done. That said, I am not so introverted that I am unable to talk to people who sit down next to me at a strange bar. My introversion tends to manifest itself more in also enjoying and valuing my alone time such as driving in the car, or reading a book or the like. So, going out like that was not something that was so antithetical to who I was as to be uncomfortable or detrimental. It was a step outside of my normal comfort zone, but, at the end of the day, one that proved to be an important growth opportunity, as well as something I ultimately enjoyed very much. So you're really kind of need to do an examination of self, and figure out if it is something you might want to try, but I wouldn't discard it just because some of the folks on here seem to think that bars are a bad idea. Even though I WOULD agree that you'd want to avoid them if you have a drinking problem, and I would also caution that you should be careful in your current state about hooking up with anyone right now-- not fair to either you or the other person, at this point. (Which is not to say that I think there's anything wrong with a little light flirting or bantering with members of the opposite sex... But start slow. More on that later.)

If you do decide to try bar going, I would suggest finding a place that is relatively busy, that is close enough for you might run into one or two people that you might know already, but has a big enough clientele that you are likely to meet new people as well. also, try to find a place that is at least partly populated by people in your own age group, and when you go, make it a point to sit at the bar, or the "common tables" or high tops, if they have them. Don't be afraid to strike up conversations with either the bar or wait staff, or with other patrons who sit down near you. It's my opinion that you can always find something in common with just about anybody. The rules for talking to women, are, in my opinion, pretty much the same is the rules for talking to anybody you just met. Be observant. Notice things about people. Ask them about those things. People love to talk about themselves. Sometimes you end up talking to people tell him you want to talk more, and sometimes you won't. It's a process, an adventure. There are obviously additional nuances to talking to females, some of which can be gleaned from some of the sources I mentioned before. A lot of it boils down to confidence, eye contact, etc. Noticing things about them is always good. As are compliments, but compliments should be specific (and, if possible, genuine, LOL). "I really like those earrings" or, "that's a cool tattoo, tell me about it", goes alot further and is more likely to lead to further conversation than just "You're very pretty/hot/etc". At the end of the day, it's mostly about confidence, showing interest in the other person (similar to validating), and also the ability to be a bit playful in conversational terms. Being able to make people genuinely laugh, especially women, pays big social dividends. There's also the whole pursuit and distance angle which works just as well on a micro basis, IE minute-to-minute, as it does on a macro basis oh, that is day to day. Get a girl laughing or some other positive reaction during conversation, and then find a reason to excuse yourself for a bit. We were wanting more. Be a bit mysterious. There's a certain amount of art to it, but a lot of the stuff (they're certainly by no means all, LOL) that you'll read in the pickup community is very valid, whether or not you're looking to pick someone up or just looking to be a more interesting conversationalist. I should note that I am by no means a pro at this, but I have found that there is a lot of validity to a lot of the principles, and that the more you engage in conversation with new people, and push your comfort zone a little, the better since you get for it and the better you get at conversation in general. With women or men.

I'm dictating this instead of typing it, and I'm also probably rambling a lot, so hopefully there's something of value to you in here.the main thing I would say is, no matter what then you you venture into, find a way to get out and meet new people. nothing wrong with reconnecting with old friends, as well, as I think that also has a lot of value. But I think it's also important to stretch and grow yourself a bit. Even the most introverted of people can learn to be more sociable and better conversationalist. Practice makes perfect.

Best of luck, and I hope you have a Happy New Year!


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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“Hoosjim”, You explained it perfectly. My weakness is communication and being an introvert. I enjoy live music etc.. and have never had a problem with alcohol. As a matter of fact I never did drink until this past year which was a huge red flag that subconsciously I knew something wasn’t right.

Nearest town with a bar and live music is 40miles away and it is a college town. Another city with more people is an hour away and I could meet tourists as well. I was thinking it would give me some confidence to meet new people and learn how to communicate. I wouldn’t be out looking for another woman. I would be observing and learning how to interact with others. Remember I have been married and with this woman since I was 17. I have no clue how to meet or talk to women. After my affair 18 years ago when I was 25 I have avoided communication with most women and especially those women that may have tried to flirt with me. I’m thinking it would be a good idea to go out and meet people.

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Happy New Year! Getting off to a good start and beginning to work on myself. My main goals are to work on my physical, emotional, and spiritual self. I have done a lot of reading and will continue to read more books. I hope to discover myself and find my purpose through my passions. I would like to continue to get stronger and "let her go" emotionally. I've realized that I need to be strong for my 2 S's. They did not ask to be put in this situation and I am beginning to see them struggle and become somewhat withdrawn.

I want to thank all those on the board that have offered advice and tried to get me to see the light of day. I am going to try and read other threads and offer advice to others. I have made many mistakes in this process so I have a lot of experience at what not to do!!

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Happy New Year P! Be the lighthouse for your Ss. Shine bright there for your family. Keep walking that road.

Respect!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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Originally Posted by neffer
Happy New Year P! Be the lighthouse for your Ss. Shine bright there for your family. Keep walking that road.

Respect!

Thanks Neffer!!

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Hey phnx, Happy New Year to you, too.

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“Hoosjim”, You explained it perfectly.


Well, I explained it the best I could considering my speech to text app $uck$, lol laugh

A final note on "confidence", in general, and let me preface this by saying that I am not generally one to proselytize, but I do think this is important to offer up given how helpful it has been to me:

My recollection is that you and your W were people of faith. If not, feel free to ignore (but hopefully at least thoughtfully consider) the following: I have personally found, and from talking to other people of faith and being around them, that there are very few things... and for me, personally, nothing... that gives you confidence in every aspect of your life like a personal relationship with God and a solid grounding in the understanding of scripture. (Finding the right church/congregation helps too-- We are all imperfect/broken creatures down here, and some entities/groups/etc are less positive/uplifting than others... and some are just bad fits for any given individual. Different people come to God in different ways). The fundamental message of Christianity (and I apologize to those of other faiths on here-- not trying to marginalize, i just don't have any more than a rudimentary understanding of any other faith) is one of hope... of being forgiven for all of your screw ups no matter how bad, and of living not just for eternity but living right now while you are here on earth a life "fully alive". If you need not fear death, than what is there to fear? Lots of really great, confidence-inspiring passages in scripture. Two of my faves:

""For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

--Jeremiah 29:11

"If God is for us, who can be against us?"

--Romans 8:31

There are countless others, but I will stop, now, because discovering and reading and reflecting on these things yourself is, imo, an important part of the journey... and also because this is not a "religious" site and I know not everyone is a person of faith and some people are even put off or offended when people post about it online. However, I wanted to share this because rediscovering and growing in my faith was the one single thing... my bedrock foundation... that kept me from fully despairing in my darkest moments (and there were many) when it looked like my MR had no shot at surviving and/or I started to think my life was a disaster. Attending a new churfch and meeting the congregants and hearing fresh insights on scripture and the personal revelations that went along with that... I just cant put into words almost how important that was to my GAL and to my personal outlook on everything. Because of that work and the growth/development of my faith , at the end of the day, i was always able to came back to: "No matter what happens, i know, in the end, everything will be alright. I know where I am going and i know God has a plan for me and it is a good one... even if my marriage fails, I lose my job, and Icontract some dreadful disease. It;s okay. At the end of it all I know where I am going." I cannot overemphasize how important that faith was to me, and how it was the foundation for everything else I did-- my CONFIDENCE in everything I did and in all my interactions with other people... including the strength to walk away from my wife when doing so looked like the definitive end of a 25 year relationship"

Peace to you in the New Year!

Last edited by hoosjim; 01/02/20 05:24 PM.

H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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