GAL and 180s are your constant and your reality. They are for YOU regardless of your marital status and you should be doing them AT ALL TIMES.
Because they are for YOU, you need to be doing them EVEN IF you "go dark" with your WW. If you are doing them right, and continuously and sincerely (I.e. for YOU and NOT just to make an impression on your WW), they WILL come to your W's attention... As will the fact you are ignoring her. You are both parents of your children, so she WILL still be exposed to you and what you're doing even if you are "dark". Plus, You live in a small community, so others will notice the changes in you and relay them to her even if she doesn't see first hand. Finally, it can be good for her NOT to know what you are up to-- WW: "hey phnix, I came by the house last night, where were you?" You (smiling): "out". Be mysterious and evasive. And confident.
If she refuses to leave you need to be ready to put the house on the market. Don't know that I would be the one filing for divorce, leave that up to her. But she is not respecting your boundary so she needs to be out of your house. If she won't leave the one you have, that means you sell it and buy a smaller one for you and the kids.
Absolutely separate your finances, immediately. Cancel all joint cards, or at least have her taken off the ones on which you are the primary. Same with checking accounts. You will not allow your money to be used in supporting her affair or her ability to carry on that affair (boundary).
Reread the DB book sections on Beyond the Last Resort because that's where you are. Also Sandi's Rules.
And yes, you do need to ask yourself if you could ever take her back Knowing what you know.
Last edited by hoosjim; 12/28/1906:56 AM.
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
“Hoosjim” Thanks for the advice. I will move forward in that direction. I need to be more involved in church and maybe hanging out with friends. I would love to go to a concert, skydiving, and possibly some other things. I’m probably going to try and play less golf due to that being a major reason of neglect to her and my boys. I haven’t really enjoyed playing much lately anyways.
"hoosjim" Did you read any books? LH said 3% man by Corey Wayne and I just started reading it. I need some other books to read. I have become a reader in all of this chaos going on in my life.
I am going to start back working out on Monday. Buying some casual clothes to wear. Everything I have is athletic wear. Going to get out and stay away as much as possible. Probably carry my son to some college basketball games and do other things with him. He doesn't like to get out and I believe this is partly because of some of the problems we are having at home.
First and foremost, keep referring back to the DBing books until you know them by heart. Also Sandi2's rules for interactions with WWs.
Second, and you may shake your head, here, but learn/read as much as you can about "male dominance" (no, not the BDSM stuff, but rather the stuff about being a dominant, alpha male. This is NOT a suggestion to be an arrogant jerk or an abuser of women, but, rather, a cool, confident, assertive (but not obnoxious) LEADER. You'll probably run across some dreck when you are googling this, so you'll have to use some judgment. Also, alot of the basic stuff from the "pick up " community incorporates similar thinking and can be adapted. And this is not about being phony or putting on a personal... Even the most shy introverted guy out there can benefit from conversational tools (eye contact, etc) and learn to enjoy the manly and subtle art of banter/flirting. It makes social engagements and even just being out WAY more fun... And I am not talking about womanizing or sleeping around alot, but rather the ability to enjoy fun, light conversation that will be enjoyable for you and for others and will result in people liking and remembering you. Also, if you come from a relationship or marriage that is challenged or has been challenged in terms of intimacy or a SSM, learning or relearning, "the art of touch with a woman" (and Google just that) can be very worthwhile. There is a natural, social progression to touch, the knowledge of which can be very helpful in re-establishing intimacy with a woman with whom you have lost it, or, alternately, establishing a new relationship with someone new, if your life heads in that direction. In the pickup community it is known as "kino" touch. studying this was invaluable to me as I was trying to re-establish intimacy with my wife.I had already looked it up and then reading on it some on my own, when I was surprised to find that my MC/IC (who is also a registered sex therapist... Did I mention that she may be the best MC/C ever? Lol) preached a similar progression. All these things like this will make you more attractive as a man, and will, in turn make you more confident, self-assured, and, at the end of the day, happy.
"The Married Man Sex Life Primer" is also a good resource that incorporate some of the stuff, and which I have seen others recommend on other threads here.the content is actually useful whether or not you were talking about your wife, or other women, or even just the way you comport yourself in general.
Generally speaking:. Confident, assertive, but without being a jerk, fun, mysterious, etc
One of the best tips from all of this stuff you will find is very similar 2 one of the underlying tenets of the DB method-- Pursuit and Distance. P&D works on many levels and across many different time frames. It can be useful in establishing and maintaining re-establishing a long-term relationship, we can also be useful in establishing initial interest over the course of just one evening with someone you have just met. Might sound crazy, but it definitely works.
At the end of the day, though, the best thing that you can do, are durable self improvement initiatives. fitness and Faith were my to bedrocks and probably did more for me than anything else.
Hope this is all helpful
H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18
"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7
"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
"hoosjim" This is some awesome stuff. I will print it out and read it over and over again, along with the DB book. I really need to pursue readings of being an Alpha male. I feel like coming from a broken home at age 6 and age 13 has done severe damage on my psyche and self-esteem.
When I was going through all of this as a teenager I had basketball to fall back on. It was my saving grace and allowed me to be validated. Even up until the point I quit playing in college to get engaged to my current wife. I guess I will truly have to find myself in all of this chaos. After basketball my validation became my wife and then my family, although I neglected them and chose to play a lot of golf etc... The coaching I will not take back as that was my job and has been my passion.
Had games all weekend and avoided her text messages. She got home and then she avoided me. She said she would be out the house soon. She also said she would file for divorce before Jan 1st. I think “LH” called it.
Look P I’m not Nostradamus. That’s how 95% of these situations end up. More divorces our filed in January then any other month. In the long run it doesn’t matter who files. I suggest that you go completely dark, get all your ducks in a row and get ready for a nasty divorce because your W is going to try to take you for everything she can.
I’m a really sorry but years down the road you will see this was for the best.
Look P I’m not Nostradamus. That’s how 95% of these situations end up. More divorces our filed in January then any other month. In the long run it doesn’t matter who files. I suggest that you go completely dark, get all your ducks in a row and get ready for a nasty divorce because your W is going to try to take you for everything she can.
I’m a really sorry but years down the road you will see this was for the best.
I agree this is best. I've some what pushed her into a corner and I understand that I have made my situation a lot worse. Her actions ultimately put us in this mess. I made a ton of mistakes. Telling the OM's wife which got him removed and exposed it to the community, telling my family, and worse of all telling her parents which are totally against infidelity. I just hope I don't end up dead broke from all of this mess.
The worse part of all is the credit card debt which we will have to split. I have enough equity in the house that once i sell it I can be out of debt.
Look P I’m not Nostradamus. That’s how 95% of these situations end up. More divorces our filed in January then any other month. In the long run it doesn’t matter who files. I suggest that you go completely dark, get all your ducks in a row and get ready for a nasty divorce because your W is going to try to take you for everything she can.
I’m a really sorry but years down the road you will see this was for the best.
I agree this is best. I've some what pushed her into a corner and I understand that I have made my situation a lot worse. Her actions ultimately put us in this mess. I made a ton of mistakes. Telling the OM's wife which got him removed and exposed it to the community, telling my family, and worse of all telling her parents which are totally against infidelity. I just hope I don't end up dead broke from all of this mess.
The worse part of all is the credit card debt which we will have to split. I have enough equity in the house that once i sell it I can be out of debt.
Don’t be to hard on yourself. I like to use the Mike Tyson quote “ everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face”. You will learn and grow from this and be happy again. Be patient and kind to yourself.
