I spent a few minutes thinking about what the title of this thread should be. Peace and joy are continuing themes in my journey, and have become my mantra. I continue to choose activities and friendships that have the best chance to give me peace and joy, and I'm determined to keep these at the forefront of my feelings. After all, feelings follow actions. So, I will continue to be diligent in choosing how to spend my time wisely.
I slipped this week for sure with the little hissy-fit H had. But it was short-lived, and I had a wonderful Christmas.
H provided personal letters to both kids with their gifts. S22 shared his with me. All I can saw is WOW!
He called himself a coward. Said he ran when he should have stayed. Said he didn't deserve S22's forgiveness as he knows that his actions, and inability to reconcile with me shattered a pillar that held up part of S22s world.
There was a lot more, about loving him, thinking about him every day, about him graduating and going off into the world this year. Well, it was a lot more than I could have ever imagined, that's for sure.
D20 received a note too. Not sure what it said, but she did express that she was surprised he laid out such raw emotion. She sent a short note to him acknowledging it, and a heartfelt thanks for the gift. She said she needed to process it, and would be in touch in a week or so.
Kind of a Christmas miracle. Maybe a break-through with the kids. I don't know. But, H is clearly having a small awakening of sorts. I almost wish he would say some of those words to me. But I don't know if they will ever come. I don't expect it.
Will this lead to any changes?
Well, as my friend DnJ says.
"Time will bring answers."
In the meantime, I will continue to pursue Joy and Peace.
There are some very good words and sentiments in that letter. Let’s see what H’s actions show over the next while. Looking for consistent behaviour from H.
Where and when you can encourage the good and ignore the bad.
Will this lead to change?
Time will tell. (Hey you’re right I did said it.)
I love your thread title. It’s perfect.
Feelings follow actions. Which influence thoughts and beliefs. Peace and joy are excellent themes to live by.
Live peaceful and gentle and it will grow. I suspect you consistently close the cupboard doors with just enough force. Closing them gently is probably done without even thinking about it.
And of course choosing how to best invest your time is most wise. Focus on you and what is most important to you. That is pretty obvious advice, and yet is probably the most easily and most often overlooked.
Have a safe and wonderful trip.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Christmas is a magical time of the year and it brings out some goodness in those who are MIA from their families and friends. Even though many of them say that they do not miss their families this time of the year, they do. They feel the pull of the magic, happiness and the gathering of family and friends that Christmas past and present means to so many.
Sit quietly, for the answers will come. The future will reveal itself when it is ready. For now, continue to focus on you and your children. I do hope that you and Gerda have a great time today.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Gerda - Indeed. But the black cloud will not diminish how much I enjoyed meeting you and chatting. Hope you feel the same. Those two will get it tenfold, I hope!
Meeting you was AMAZING! I learned so much from talking in person -- what you were saying about just wanting your half might have seemed really simple to you but I have been thinking about it ever since. You have a lot of clarity in thinking and not doubting yourself that in person is really inspiring. It was the mantra I needed since my H filed last year. It is such a clear way to see a sort of acceptance of his choice to D -- e.g., okay, I accept you are filing but you have to give me half. I wish I had thought of that simple mantra and understood it last year,I wouldn't have wasted so much time and money and agony. I don't know if I will get what is fair but it is a way for me to have a simple vision in my head.
The wallet theft was pretty incredible -- they spent $6000 in 45 minutes plus my cash. Not kidding. I have never had anything stolen from me here, just bikes I forgot to lock. But I am sure God has a plan there too, and yes, it didn't overshadow the meeting at all.
For all who know Grace in DB world, I can assure you IRL she is as lovely outside as in!
Last edited by Gerda; 12/29/1903:23 AM.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Gerda - I felt we had a connection in person. Like we could possibly be friends in another time and place. I was so glad to meet you. Hope you have a wonderful trip.
My vacation with the kids was great. S22 seemed to love being in the big city. D20 was overwhelmed by the massive crowds, and had a few difficult moments. We worked through them and she persevered. We saw lots, ate lots, and it was nice being away from home together.
Tomorrow we go back to regular routine. I have a document to review with the attorney, and then I think the marriage settlement agreement will be ready for H to review. Happy New Year to him!
I don't think he has any fight in him, or the desire either, to fight the D.
D seems to be in the cards for me.
I never wanted the hand I was dealt. But, it's there all the same. I just have to play the best hand I can to get the best I can for myself. That's really the only thing in my control.
Much has occurred since I last posted. Time marches on, life continues, and I am still pursuing things that give me joy and peace (with some pleasure, too!).
The kids and I had a great holiday. S22 is back at school. D20 will stay home this semester and take classes on-line. She needs her mom. Having them here makes me worry. I worry about D20 and her healing. I worry A LOT about S22's maturity, and ability to interview and secure (and hold) a professional job. Having him here just highlighted to me how much he has yet to learn about how to navigate the real world. Anyway, it was great to reconnect, and we had a wonderful trip to the big city.
I have tried to sit down to put some thoughts in order to help me through this muddled time. Either life has other plans for me at that moment or I just can’t seem to start.
I believe H is having a bit of an awakening. I reported already the letters he gave the kids at Christmas. That was huge. We have since had some e-mail exchanges. He said he made his bed, so he must now deal with the aftermath. He made references to regrets, missing me specifically, having sadness that he is no longer part of our family, etc. So, I had a strong feeling it was the right time for me to ask him a few questions.
1. Why did me miss me. 2. If he missed me so much, why did he avoid seeing or even speaking to me for over a year. 3. What does he regret specifically.
I told him that I had no expectation for him to answer or to answer in a certain way. That I agreed he made his bed, and his choices all along the way lead to where he is today. But, that beds can be remade. Lives can change. His life can change. That I remade me these past months, and although it’s still a work in progress, I like who I discovered.
I also told him that I hoped a therapist (he mentioned again he will see one in January) can help him reconcile his past, navigate the present, and help him figure out how he wants to live his life.
I was very surprised that he did answer all three questions, very specifically. I won’t repeat all the details, but in short:
1. There were so many good things about me and our marriage. He was a coward and ran from the mess that we made, that was mostly his fault (his words), he misses being here with me, misses my presence, no black and white about it, all very very gray. And of course he still loves me.
2. He avoided me out of shame and not knowing what to do. He is ashamed of himself, his failure, of what has occurred.
3. He regrets his actions, how he treated me, and how he treated our marriage. That he didn’t treat me, himself, or the marriage with the proper respect. He regrets he is not even really part of the family. He wishes he could turn back the clock, and that he realizes the words may sound empty to me and I have a right to be skeptical, and he hasn’t put both feet into his current situation. He admits being vaguely suicidal sometimes, and that he’s turned his life and everyone else’s upside down and yet he still isn’t happy.
So, IMO, profound things confessed. Truths that are starting to surface that he is at least thinking about.
This was my response:
“I really appreciate you answering my questions. I know it wasn’t easy for you to say these things, and it took a lot of courage. I can see there is much that you are beginning to work through.”
I saw him briefly the next day to just give him some mail. We chatted briefly about D20, he gave me a quick hug, and that was it. We have discussed nothing further. He just messaged me after the visit that it was nice to see me.
So, H is weighing very heavy on my mind. Questions are coming to mind. Would I ever want to entertain reconciliation? I know it would be in the distant future if I would, at all. Why do I feel stalled in my resolve to move forward with the D? Should I get the marriage settlement agreement done to legally split assets and then wait to file for D? D or not, would that change anything in how I’m living my life now? If I ever would entertain reconciliation, wouldn’t everyone think I’m a fool?
That last one is tough. Is that really what I’m worried about?
So many thoughts swirling around.
I have a devotional that I’ve been doing. Very short ones. I have skipped many days. Today I opened it to the next one. What is it about? Worry.
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Matthew 6:34 (NIV)
God speaks. I need to listen.
So, my friends. I will release my worry, live in the present, and wait for time to bring answers.
Wonderful to hear from you. And wow about the latest developments, no wonder you feel muddled.
H’s current awaking might be from the holiday season or might be more. Remember H is still on his timeline. A bit more time and answers will present themselves. Focus on you.
I will say his answering of your specific questions is most encouraging. You best get your expectations down to zero regarding him. He is going to be a while getting use to his new ideas, mindset, and feelings. He will be messed up for a while, and hopefully working towards better. And you don’t want resentment building when he stumbles so expectations must be low.
I am quite impressed with your conversation with him. The remaking beds was a nice touch. Also remaking yourself let him know certain things as well. Very non judgemental; well done.
His answers sound sincere; now let time work and watch for sincerity. Actions over words.
H is at the moment reaching out. Take a big breath and recall all your inner work and how far you have come. H is no where near that. You have done well presenting a safe and soft place for him to land. Do continue that. Be compassionate, caring, and kind. For him, but mostly because that is who you are. Nothing you do will affect his path, and everything you do will affect his path.
How far did you come to forgiveness? How much empathy? I have a pretty good idea my good friend, however I think it would be really good for you to actually write it down.
The myriad of questions is quite normal. Answers will present themselves when one is calm and at peace. You still have the gift of time my girl, use it wisely.
Originally Posted by Grace21
Would I ever want to entertain reconciliation? I know it would be in the distant future if I would, at all. Why do I feel stalled in my resolve to move forward with the D? Should I get the marriage settlement agreement done to legally split assets and then wait to file for D? D or not, would that change anything in how I’m living my life now? If I ever would entertain reconciliation, wouldn’t everyone think I’m a fool?
That last one is tough. Is that really what I’m worried about?
I’ll start at the last question. No, not everyone would think you a fool. I would not consider, and do not consider you a fool.
“Would I ever want to entertain reconciliation? I know it would be in the distant future if I would, at all.” This is interesting and is not a no. Much hopefully possibilities within that statement. The future is unknown as well as the timelines. I did not cross out any particular word(s). Your mind is listening and actively searching for answers, no need to limit things. You are only considering the possibility of reconciliation, not reconciling - yet.
So, would a separation agreement or divorce change how you are living right now? Probably not very much.
The fact that you have pause and not a somewhat immediate “no” answer to possible reconciliation - take some time to think and feel what you want and believe. Time is your friend and there is no need to rush. Answers will come.
You have compassionate indifference. You do care. The indifference does take a bit to unwind and find one’s stored feelings. It’s much easier when you have found acceptance, which you have. And forgiveness is a real big help, which I believe you are getting closer and closer too. We spend a lot of time getting our feelings under control. Purposefully letting them out a bit is now required to find some answers.
My suggestion and of course I’m at heart a pretty hopeful guy: Take H at face value for right now. Keep living your life. GAL, and all the things you have and are doing. Let H dictate how fast this progresses and where it progresses. I’m pretty sure he will converse again, validate him, be that beacon, and follow your values. He will work to catch up or he won’t. Bottom line I’d give him and you time to see what he might do, and what he actually does; all while not watching too hard.
Originally Posted by Grace21
I will release my worry, live in the present, and wait for time to bring answers.
I so encourage you.
You’ve got the time.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I really feel for you guys with the talkers. I know there are probably parts of it that feel good and validating, but in the end it is just words. In my view, when the words and the heart-felt emotion come easily, give them less credence. Mine has no words. Only the words of others. Annoying, but helpful in remaining detached. I think actions in your situation mean more than most. Mine does a lot of action/inaction to show his attachment, so I tend to look more for the missing words.
A word of caution, you are still very early days here. Even if it is an awakening, I don't think it is "the" awakening. Mine had a first awakening with his divorce filing and moving in with OW2 (about 2 years after move-out), but back he went as predicted. I think he is entering the awakening stage now (40 months), but who knows. If you google first awakening midlife crisis, you should find an excellent article that explains this and what is likely causing it, and what you can expect.
(Hey you’re right I did said it.)