I have promised my sister and a close friend that I will have a holiday moratorium on talking about H (now better known as the Stranger In My House), even though there of course is much I have to say. Thank goodness for this board where I can vent during the holidays. I do want to enjoy the holidays (my first holiday in over 14 years celebrating without H). It is tough but I am doing all I can. I already broke the moratorium atleast 3 times today.
H has mentioned that we should spend time with the kids together tomorrow. I am a little nervous because out of town family will be around, most who have no idea about our marital troubles. Any tips for handling this situation if H actually follows through with the plan to see us?
----------------------------------------- H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Last edited by HesAble; 12/25/1903:53 AM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Just be yourself. You are not the one that has to worry about how to act, i.e., your h is the one that needs to worry.
Treat him as you would a salesman, i.e., smile and make small talk if he comes over to you...otherwise, socialize w/the rest of the group and try to enjoy yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just dropping in to say I’m sending positive thoughts your way, and I hope you can enjoy the time with your family. I like Job’s advice—let your H worry about how he looks!
Last edited by cardinal; 12/25/1903:18 PM. Reason: Typo
Thanks Job and Cardinal for your advice/support. I felt much more relieved when I realized that H is the one who should be worried, not me. He was obviously nervous the entire Christmas Day when the kids and I spent time with him. For the kids' sake, I was happy he followed through and arranged to see us even though we are out of town with family for the holidays.
I still love him and wish those feelings would just go. I wish the pain would disappear as well. Baby steps, I guess. Happiness is a choice is what I keep telling myself, but it is easier said than done.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Someone please talk me down off the ledge. Today I feel like giving up. I saw H commented inappropriately on another woman's social media post (not the first time) and now I am feeling like what is the use in standing for this shell of a marriage? What is left of it to even stand for? I don't know how long I can deal with his disrespectful behavior. I have been crying off and on all morning.
We spent Christmas with the kids and his behavior was much better, but now he is back to his usual it seems. I don't feel like I can endure this long term.
I know I need to focus on my kids, GAL, 180 and all that but it is just so hard. My sister tells me to stay off social media and I won't see this stuff.
Last edited by HesAble; 12/28/1906:47 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Oh, and one other important thing I should add...H and I were intimate for the first time since BD over the holidays. I told myself it meant nothing and tried to switch right back to detaching, but this is likely why I am so emotional today.
Last edited by HesAble; 12/28/1906:52 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Someone please talk me down off the ledge. Today I feel like giving up. I saw H commented inappropriately on another woman's social media post (not the first time) and now I am feeling like what is the use in standing for this shell of a marriage? What is left of it to even stand for? I don't know how long I can deal with his disrespectful behavior. I have been crying off and on all morning.
We spent Christmas with the kids and his behavior was much better, but now he is back to his usual it seems. I don't feel like I can endure this long term.
I know I need to focus on my kids, GAL, 180 and all that but it is just so hard. My sister tells me to stay off social media and I won't see this stuff.
Hi HesAble, You can do this. There is so much happening at this time of year that it makes everything harder, and I think it also-- for me at least-- feel like I want to either pretend this isn't happening or push for some kind of resolution. I'm sure that the physical intimacy is adding to how you're feeling now, but I know how hard it is to turn off those feelings-- and/or, to feel like he was able to just turn it right back off again.
Staying off social media is a great idea-- so you won't see his garbage, but also so you don't have to have all the other happy family holiday photos shoved in your face. (That has been hard for me, even though I know that the likelihood is other couples are struggling with some of the same issues we are... what is wrong with our society that no-one wants to share this stuff with their friends? I don't want to-- yet-- because I'm still hoping that this can somehow be resolved without people needing to find out because they'll really judge him (and me for sticking with him)-- but am ever so grateful for this community where we can be open and know that there are people there to help and who understand.)
Is there something small you can do to relax? Even just wash your face, make a cup of tea or something warm, grab a good book or a brainless TV show? Take the kids to a movie? Something that can get your mind off of what is happening with H? I read here a lot that it isn't good to make decisions in the heat of emotion, so letting these emotions wash over you, recede, and then seeing how you feel in a day or two could help. There is no need to rush.
Hang in there.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
may22, thanks for the encouragement. You are right that being on social media not only exposes me to his garbage but also to all the happy family photos for the holidays. Man! What a doozy! Taking a social media break...
Last edited by HesAble; 12/28/1908:01 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Oh, and one other important thing I should add...H and I were intimate for the first time since BD over the holidays. I told myself it meant nothing and tried to switch right back to detaching, but this is likely why I am so emotional today.
The first time after BD for me sent me on a roller coaster as well. I even told him that I wouldn't be able to do this because it's all too emotional for me and once we were intimate all my expectations flooded back. But somehow I was able to really detach more and more and ultimately it wasn't so much of an issue for me if we become intimate. Lately we've kept our distance though and I have found that it has been good to keep that distance physically. I can treat him more and more like a friend than my H.
