I am glad you didn't spend NYE alone and were able to have some fun. I was also at a party with all couples but I think we look at things differently and it may be because of the 10 year age gap. I look at myself as way ahead of the people because I am either ahead of them in the D process or they will suffer in loveless marriages. They way they look and talk to one another is depressing. Yeah technically they have someone and their families are intact but if they are miserable what good is it?
One of my BFs has been married 24 years. His wife is hot, he's very good looking and has 5 handsome boys. His W periodically posts on FB painting this happy family picture and how lucky she is to have him. Truth is he hasn't had sex with her in 3 years and has been planning his exit strategy with me for the last year. He spent NYE with his friend and his friends wife, his W did near own thing.
I am just as ready as you to have 2019 come to a close and am very optimistic that we are going to catch up to the Big Smooth this year.
A lot can happen in a year. Being alone is better then being with someone that’s not into you. Embrace the alone time as a time to catch up and do things for you. Change the way you are viewing things. Being without a partner is temporary and gives you the opportunity to just do you for a bit. You put the guys in your relationships first so I think the universe is trying to teach you to put yourself first for a bit. Earning more money, exercise, nails, hair, socializing etc. all the things you are doing - just reframe how your feelings about it. Get out of the woe is me mode cause that carries through. Bring on the “I need this break for me mode” cause that carries through too.
You are fun to be around. People are really attracted to your presence. It’s why you are invited to lots of events. People like being around you. You add a lot to gatherings and social events and I think people kind of bounce off of you socially. I remember that from when we met. Maybe explore that and figure out how you can bring that mindset to how you see yourself with relationships. I notice you put a lot of pressure on yourself When your dealing with guys .. you take it super seriously but with social gatherings you take it more lightly and just want to have fun? Maybe take what you are successful at and use it in an area that you haven’t had success in.
Wishing the best for you this year and glad you ended up having a great time
The couples I hung out with last night are all in their 50’s. I’m the young one. They are very family oriented and very happy. I did find out my daughters best friends dad was married before and divorced by 27 and his current wife was his second. I had no clue. She’s the once with breast cancer and going through chemo. She’s doing good though. She wore her wig last night and I didn’t recognize her. But anyways, they are indeed happy couples friends. I was very appreciative of them having me along. I always enjoy their company and they are always so much fun. I just wish I wasn’t always the extra wheel. They camp and do all sorts of things as couples and I’ll never get invited that stuff, because I’m not a couple. I get it. And when i think about if I was still with M and how much he would fit in...... nope, he wouldn’t. He would be judge mental of parenting, people using bad words around their kids, etc. he’s rather be high in a corner somewhere.
Thanks Jj. I really do have fun and On social situations and I’m always comfortable. I’ve managed to become friends with friends of ex’s and I have maintained those relationships. And you are so so right about putting pressure on myself with guys. I do. And I probably don’t come off as natural as I am. I am sure it’s sensed. I think o feel so jinxed from the guy situation that I feel the pressure. I’ve got to lose that.
And I am completely mired in the woe is me mindset. I really haven’t felt this low in a long time. Got to work my way back up to being happy and content. Because I’m not right now. I’ll get there. I hope 2020 brings us all the happiness we deserve
You aren't lost, sweetie.. You are right there...where you are supposed to be. You just have to believe that.
While there are sayings I dont believe in, there is one in particular that I do. And that is that people come into our lives for a reason. We dont always see what it is. We dont always recognize that until much later.
I feel that M was that person. He was the catalyst for you to begin this inner search. Each relationship you have had has brought you information about yourself that you needed to learn.
And M brought you this...that you deserve someone who is present and a partner.
You should have probably learned that from some of the other ones...but like me, you need a brick building to fall on you...LOL.
When I am down and I am trying to understand why the things that happen in my life occur as they do..I try to figure out what I am supposed to take away from them. Looking at them as a lesson, lessens the burden somewhat.
I get that you are still grieving the life you thought you were going to have. I get it. But I dont want to see you get stuck in the depression stage. I see you going round and round on the what ifs...could have beens. As the queen of what ifs and could have beens...its a freakin hamster wheel.
So work towards acceptance..each day...accept what is...so you can get to the next part... Otherwise it weighs you down and you cant move forward while hanging onto all of that cr@p.
You now you should know that you deserve better. You should know that you want someone who accepts you as you are, someone who wants to spend time with you and cherishes you.
Armed with that knowledge, you will see that you will get different results in the future. When you do something different, something different happens.
But as always, it doesnt work unless you truly believe in your worth. Thats the only way through and forward.
Count your blessings and there are many...and start to let this kind of thinking..about what could have been, wash over you. Because the truth is, it wouldnt have been what you hoped.
You are right where you are supposed to be..even if you think it's not. This is your journey. Continue to walk it in the kick as$ G way we are used to.
Happy New Year G....hang in there and I agree with everything above!! Work on being happy with yourself whether that be in your current state or based on what goals you have set for yourself. From everything you write it sounds like you have so much going for you and your biggest hang ups are money, your appearance and finding a man.
M sounded like a d-bag from everything you wrote especially after once you were honest with the board. You really wanted to be with someone like that??? You have a great job, your own place, a great kid, etc. etc. why would you even???? He did you a freaking favor.
Your appearance, honestly either you do something about it or you accept yourself as is. Truthfully, the right guy won't give a [censored]. The right guy will see your inner beauty and will be mature enough to realize that outer beauty is not everything. Sure, you have to have some level of attraction but It won't all fuching matter when we are old, fat, gray and in our 80's just struggling to wipe our own butts.
Money - I get it, that's a tough one but from an outsider looking in you seem to be trying to do everything to make it work for you and your daughter. Honestly, you should be very proud of yourself. I really mean it from an outsider just looking in to what you write. Trying to care for a young daughter while holding down multiple jobs is no easy task and it shows the kind of person you are.
One of my New Year's resolutions is to make smarter financial decisions. I can't change what I have done in the past but I can moving forward. Also realize that it is only temporary as when you meet that special someone (and you will) having a two income household is certainly better than one assuming you both live well under your means.
It is a New Year G no better time to get on the horse and ride it to the old town road
Ginger I think you are getting some great advice from multiple people. But I've seen a pattern from you over the years. I'm really hoping that this little interaction you had will help me make my point and help it get through to you.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Originally Posted by kml
Ok now, there is NO excuse for spending NYE alone, there are tons of singles events on NYE, go to one!
My excuse is I work New Year’s Day and New Year’s Eve. Gotta be in bed early. I chose to work because of this. And the tome and a half is nice
Originally Posted by Ginger1
Well, I didn’t spend New Years as I thought I would... Neighbor told me to come on over... I said “I’ll be on over in a few” We had a freakin blast.
I've seen this over and over again during the past several years. People have suggested all sorts of things but you always have a reason - make than an excuse - why you can't or don't want to. Yet, look what happens when you do pretty much exactly what was suggested - you have a "frekin blast" in your own words. THIS is what you need to do more of - just living life and having a frekin blast.
I don't know if it's your depression or what but you seem to be in the rut of not wanting to do things or change things and then using excuses not to try something new or just something in general. When I first read this I thought, I'll bet if some hot guy asked you to do something on NYE, work and getting up early would be out the window - at that's actually what happened - less the hot guy.
I'm not even saying not to try OLD again but my gosh, you've tried that for years now and look at the results. Just getting out there and living your best life might be the very best way to find what you seem to be so fixated on - a LTR with a great guy. Yes, you might get lucky this time OLD - it could happen, but if you would just try a meet up or finding new friends or tapping current friends to do things with or a new group or whatever, you might find that guy or that guy might find you. It may very well happen even with married people, that they see what a great person you are and think "You know who would be perfect for Ginger... let's set them up" or let's invite Jeff (or Bill or Dave or whomever) over then next time we invite Ginger.
You've got to start changing things or nothing is going to change. No, you didn't meet Mr Wonderful on NYE but look at the great time you had. Luck happened or the universe or God or whatever/whomever may have stepped in but had you followed KMLs advice rather than coming up with another excuse, the same could have happened. Luckily your neighbor happened to see you - otherwise you would have had a rotten night.
Are you seeing my point here? Stop with all the excuses and start to change things. I'm not denying that the dog needs care, you have to work, little G takes time - not denying it at all, but you just proved these can become your hide behind excuses to sit by yourself at home and wallow in it. If you stop declining offers that I know full well you are getting, and start saying YES to them, things might change for you.
Quickly on the diet thing - I'm glad you joined WW. I know your appearance is bothering you even though many others, including myself, don't see it nearly as much as you do. If you continued to look as you do today, I really don't think most guys would think twice. The thing is, many people don't stop where you are. They slowly continue to increase until, bang, one day they are many pounds above where they were a few years ago. Then they think, I'll never get 75 pounds off - heck I could not get 25 off so screw it. That's my fear for you - not how you look today but how you may look in a few years if this slow weight creep continues. I think that is the best reason for addressing it now - while it is still very manageable.
I know you feel cheated for never having the LTR you have dreamed of. I hate that for you and am so sorry it has not happened. I just hope you can start to shift your focus from finding that guy to living a great life - to which that great guy will find you. Please try to make that your focus - living your best life like you did Tuesday night with those friends. I just can't help but believe if you start doing that, saying yes to other invites, looking for new opportunities to GAL yourself, the guy you are hoping for is going to find you - rather than you somehow getting lucky finding him OLD.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Article on the Huffington Post, "I quit dating for all of 2019" - you should read it. Not saying you should not date for a year - but if you could get into this gal's mindset, it would be a good thing.
As for the weight - I've never seen you so I don't know how much is real and how much is in your head. It's good to get a handle on it because it's definitely harder to lose as you get older. BUT - be careful about getting into too critical a mindset about yourself. I'd LOVE to have the body I thought wasn't thin enough in my 40's. And surprisingly, the extra weight I've gained in the last few years hasn't been any impediment to dating. In fact, I think I attracted men more after my divorce than in my skinny 20's - men DO like curves, or most do (unlike my weight Nazi ex who thought I was too fat at 5'6" 118 lbs. ). So take care of your health, cut out the sugar and alcohol and get your workouts in, but also learn to love the body you have now.
J- thank you for those nice compliments and helping my focus on the positive. The money thing is stressful even when you are still broke and you have what is considered a pretty solid professional career. I hate it. My dollar is going no where unfortunately. My financial problems will never be an issue to another guy, luckily. I’m just doing the best I can.
As far as my appearance. Honestly. I have a really problem big problem with saying something positive about myself physically, because I feel like it is vain. But if I’m being honest, I am what people consider an attractive woman. Not in a classic way, but I have a unique look. One that is found to be physically appealing by both sexes. ( not is a lesbian way, I just mean, other women have commented on my looks positively)
I am indeed uncomfortable with the changes in my body this year. My boobs are gone and there are scars. And I gained weight. Right now I would be that woman who appears 15 lbs heavier than in her profile pictures. And quite honestly , I don’t have any recent ones to post because I don’t like the camera. So it is mostly in my head. I am not unattractive. I’ve just become more curvy let’s say. Part of what I need to do is be more accepting of where I am at now and realize that I am indeed attractive.
And it is inner beauty that means the most. And I possess that. I am kind and loving to all my friends, family and everyone I meet. And I know for fact, it ain’t pretty anymore when you reach your 80’s. I’ve seen too many elderly private parts in my time, lol. But true love, that sh!t lasts.
And yes. M was a D-bag. I was having a conversation with a coworker about him and that’s what she said. He was an insecure selfish D bag, and not for me. While him and my ex are different in the fact that M wasn’t mean like my ex, they are similar in the selfish area. I would have been miserable. It wasn’t what I wanted at all.
Don- what makes me crazy is, I do make an effort to try he different things. They have not been successful. It’s not about me making excuses. I’ve tried getting out there Whalen I can, looking for meetup groups. Hanging out with the crowd from work..... none of that is brining me towards a relationship at all.
I joined a book club with a coworker that her friend started.
I looked at all the meet up clubs.
I joined a gym.
I tried doing something out and alone and it was not fun and miserable.
I spend time with friends whenever possible.
I accept almost every social invite I can.
It is not for lack of effort here. I have tried all the ideas you say I am not willing to try.
NYE- I went because I could walk to their house. I do not go out on the roads on NYE around here especially to some random singles event on the night before I have to work. I was exhausted yesterday. But I got an invite and i took it despite having to work. So no excuses there. It had to be something I was truly interested in to have me risk being exhausted at work. But I I took the invite when I could have declines and stayed home in my jammies.
Actually, no one powers through a depression like me. I am pretty amazing at that. I may not want to move, but I do. I engage in life, I make efforts to get out of it, but some days I am just physically and emotionally exhausted and I allow myself to be and then I move on.
Where I am today has absolutely nothing to do with lack of effort. I don’t think there are many who has tried as hard as me to better her life along the way. I give myself many, many props for that. Effort is not something I lack in at all.
I’m sticking to weight watchers and lost 4lbs this week. I’m get comfortable with my weight again. And I have been religiously sticking to my workouts. I sure know it could creep up on me. It did. And KML- I look back at pictures when I thought I was fat and it turned out I wasn’t and I’d kill for that body again.
Happy New Year! I am so happy to see that you went to your neighbors for celebration. It's a new year and it's time for you to figure out how to step out of your comfort zone. I know you can do this.
We can spend our lives trying to be whatever we think others want us to be, but what we really need to do is just be ourselves. We must own who we are and not shy away from being that person.
Ginger, you are a beautiful woman who has accomplished a lot on her own. Take a look around you...you are a nurse, a mother and a friend to many and a homeowner w/a cute little dog. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You will figure our your money issue. It takes times to get financially secure, but I know you will figure it out.
You have so much to be thankful for. Try to stay positive. When people see you being positive, that is what draws people to you, i.e., like a moth to a candle.
Hang in there. We all want to see you succeed and be happy.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
