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Re: WW dropped S bomb [Re: Drh2001] #2883934
02/04/20 04:44 PM
02/04/20 04:44 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 85
D
Drh2001 Offline OP
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Drh2001  Offline OP
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D
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 85
I just read something on another thread about WW being lazy to file for divorce and do all the paperwork. Is this true?

quote:

"Finally, if you do not want divorce, then my suggestion is to not lift a finger to help with the D. WWs are notoriously lazy about ending their M. Likely she won't file, but she will, as you suggest, continue to ask for a D when she interacts with you. Make her do the work. Make her file. Make her do the heavy lifting. In most states, when kids are involved, D is not a simple thing. WWs don't want to deal with it. Her tactic likely will be to continue to do what she is doing hoping you will finally tire of everything and file. Note, I said if you don't want D then don't do anything. If that ever changes, obviously it is well within your rights to file."


My WW doesn't even open her mail if it looks business like. She doesn't pay bills - I do all this. I do all the finances.

I'm not looking to file D just yet - I want to DB and see if I can R. She mentioned it once briefly in a fit of anger.

If she does file first...should I drag it out and play for time and hope to get her to reconsider? Time is money they say. Does the person filing first have an advantage? I'm just considering my options.




Last edited by Drh2001; 02/04/20 04:49 PM.
Re: WW dropped S bomb [Re: Drh2001] #2883942
02/04/20 04:58 PM
02/04/20 04:58 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 4,664
L
LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 4,664
D,

Truthfully no. Steve sometimes with good intentions tends to exaggerate in some areas. However there is no advantage to filing first so no worries in that regard.

Since your w is actively dating while married she will most likely wait until she has another man securely in place before she files.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: WW dropped S bomb [Re: Drh2001] #2883949
02/04/20 05:49 PM
02/04/20 05:49 PM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,085
San Antonio, Texas
J
joejoe1 Offline
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joejoe1  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,085
San Antonio, Texas
Drh,

If she file, how is dragging it out going to help. I think it will only make matters worst and make you look desperate.

There are times when LBS's are done and they file. Just make sure if you file, you are not doing it to get a reaction out of your WW. You are filing because you no longer want to be married.

If you want to work for recon, then, don't file and DB, become AMOAFWL.

There's no hard set rule, instead there are a bunch of concepts that help you figure out what you want and need to do for your future. DB is a way to save your M, but this forum is here to help you save yourself. This forum helps you regain your logical mindset and sanity to make sound and rational decisions.

If the sound and rational decision become filing than, you can make that decision in a clear minded and loving way.

Joejoe


M:36 W:35
T:9 M:8
S15, S11, S8, S3
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Re: WW dropped S bomb [Re: Drh2001] #2883955
02/04/20 05:59 PM
02/04/20 05:59 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 237
C
Core Offline
Member
Core  Offline
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C
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 237
Originally Posted by Drh2001

If she does file first...should I drag it out and play for time and hope to get her to reconsider? Time is money they say. Does the person filing first have an advantage? I'm just considering my options.



I went through and continue the same dilemma. I asked W for time to process what was happening, when I showed I was ready, she is now asking for time.

I met with a L to determine legally why W may not be eager to file. The L did say the longer the wait, the higher the amount of and or duration of alimony is in my state. As far as filing first, the L advised it is easier to file first rather be on the defense. Defending could cost more.

In the end, the pro's are all financial. If the D could be prevent, thats even better financially.

Dragging it out if she does file will cost you more financially. My take...dragging out the D would anger her. Better chance would be to go with the flow, dont resist. It doesnt mean you agree. Also if any terms impact you, by all means battle away.


H36, W37
D4, S1
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Re: WW dropped S bomb [Re: Drh2001] #2883960
02/04/20 06:39 PM
02/04/20 06:39 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 6,893
S
Steve85 Offline
Member
Steve85  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 6,893
Originally Posted by Drh2001
I just read something on another thread about WW being lazy to file for divorce and do all the paperwork. Is this true?

quote:

"Finally, if you do not want divorce, then my suggestion is to not lift a finger to help with the D. WWs are notoriously lazy about ending their M. Likely she won't file, but she will, as you suggest, continue to ask for a D when she interacts with you. Make her do the work. Make her file. Make her do the heavy lifting. In most states, when kids are involved, D is not a simple thing. WWs don't want to deal with it. Her tactic likely will be to continue to do what she is doing hoping you will finally tire of everything and file. Note, I said if you don't want D then don't do anything. If that ever changes, obviously it is well within your rights to file."


My WW doesn't even open her mail if it looks business like. She doesn't pay bills - I do all this. I do all the finances.

I'm not looking to file D just yet - I want to DB and see if I can R. She mentioned it once briefly in a fit of anger.

If she does file first...should I drag it out and play for time and hope to get her to reconsider? Time is money they say. Does the person filing first have an advantage? I'm just considering my options.





Drh, one of the best things I did in my sitch was to consult with an attorney. Information is power. Most D attorneys do a free consultation. Schedule one and get the information you need on all of this.

As others have said, despite what some attorneys will tell you, there is no advantage to being the one to file. Attorneys will tell you this to get you to pay them. My main point in the quote you quoted was to let you know that most WWs want you to do all the work. Unless you are ready to D I advise not lifting a finger (including filing). Don't drag it out, but don't help it along either.

Example:

WW emails: "I need, X, Y, and Z documents for the divorce."
Drh2001 emails back: "Okay, I understand you need those documents, however I am extremely busy and unable to locate those documents for you. They should be in our files in the home office, feel free to take whatever documents you may need."

Note, you didn't drag anything out. But you didn't lift a finger to find the documents yourself. And the best part? You are making her do all of the work!


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: WW dropped S bomb [Re: Drh2001] #2883972
02/04/20 07:27 PM
02/04/20 07:27 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 1,064
H
hoosjim Offline
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hoosjim  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 1,064
If you are looking/hoping to reconcile, Steve85's take is probably the best one. Sandi2 is of a similar opinion-- WW's want the fantasy, they don't want to be bogged down with papers and deadlines and filings, etc. Having to do that kind of stuff themselves is part of the "consequence" of having an affair and wanting to divorce to be with their AP. It may even help them start thinking "Gee, maybe this isn't all sunshine and roses." You have the gift of time (if you are looking to R)... no reason to speed things along. Steve gives an excellent example of not obstructing but not aiding, either (put the onus on her).

OTOH, if your mental well-being is continuing to degrade or you otherwise just don't want anything to do with her ever again, the others are correct-- might as well cooperate/assist fully or file yourself and get it over with.

All comes down to what YOU want.


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
Re: WW dropped S bomb [Re: mtb1981] #2883986
02/04/20 08:19 PM
02/04/20 08:19 PM
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 571
Illinois
M
mtb1981 Offline
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mtb1981  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 571
Illinois
Originally Posted by mtb1981
Hey, Doc... Did you move back into the MBR yet?...

I'm going to ask this again, because it's important. I'm going to assume the answer is no, you haven't. I get the feeling that you're scared to do so. I also get the feeling that you "baby" your W and do everything for her. Neither of these things are attractive characteristics. I hate to be so blunt, but you better get ready for the D. Until you take back the MBR and stop catering to her every need, you're doomed. You have got nothing to lose! Don't look back someday wondering if you would still be married if you would have done these things...


Me: 38
W:31
Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4
M: 10 years
T:12 years
BD:Jan 3, 2018
W moved out: Apr 13,2018
Filed for D: Jun 2018
D final: Sep 2019

"Surrender to the Flow"...
Re: WW dropped S bomb [Re: mtb1981] #2883990
02/04/20 08:31 PM
02/04/20 08:31 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 85
D
Drh2001 Offline OP
Member
Drh2001  Offline OP
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D
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by mtb1981
Originally Posted by mtb1981
Hey, Doc... Did you move back into the MBR yet?...

I'm going to ask this again, because it's important. I'm going to assume the answer is no, you haven't. I get the feeling that you're scared to do so. I also get the feeling that you "baby" your W and do everything for her. Neither of these things are attractive characteristics. I hate to be so blunt, but you better get ready for the D. Until you take back the MBR and stop catering to her every need, you're doomed. You have got nothing to lose! Don't look back someday wondering if you would still be married if you would have done these things...


I'll answer your question first mtb1981.

It's not as simple as you make it out to be. I felt so uncomfortable after she cheated that I moved to the other bedroom.

I didn't know anything about divorce busting and this forum.

I did research on in-house separation agreements and it was said that both of us should have separate living quarters, buy our own food, wash our own clothes. Well I did the first one but she cooks for the whole family and I do the laundry as I always have done.

I don't baby her anymore believe me. I did use to sometimes. I haven't completely ruled out taking back the MBR but then I would be breaking the agreement.

Obviously if I had found this forum first things would be different.

Last edited by Drh2001; 02/04/20 08:38 PM.
Re: WW dropped S bomb [Re: LH19] #2883992
02/04/20 08:35 PM
02/04/20 08:35 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 85
D
Drh2001 Offline OP
Member
Drh2001  Offline OP
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D
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by LH19
D,

Truthfully no. Steve sometimes with good intentions tends to exaggerate in some areas. However there is no advantage to filing first so no worries in that regard.

Since your w is actively dating while married she will most likely wait until she has another man securely in place before she files.


It seems the advantages in filing first are mostly if you're physically separated and want child support.

Re: WW dropped S bomb [Re: joejoe1] #2883996
02/04/20 08:37 PM
02/04/20 08:37 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 85
D
Drh2001 Offline OP
Member
Drh2001  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by joejoe1
Drh,

If she file, how is dragging it out going to help. I think it will only make matters worst and make you look desperate.

There are times when LBS's are done and they file. Just make sure if you file, you are not doing it to get a reaction out of your WW. You are filing because you no longer want to be married.

If you want to work for recon, then, don't file and DB, become AMOAFWL.

There's no hard set rule, instead there are a bunch of concepts that help you figure out what you want and need to do for your future. DB is a way to save your M, but this forum is here to help you save yourself. This forum helps you regain your logical mindset and sanity to make sound and rational decisions.

If the sound and rational decision become filing than, you can make that decision in a clear minded and loving way.

Joejoe



I can be patient. I know the advoce here is that we're running a marathon not a sprint. I'm in this for the long haul - at least until she files first.

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