WW dropped S bomb

[Drh2001]

D,

Reading your response really fuching chaps my hide.

YES willing sharing your W with other Men is an open marriage. You’re allowing someone else in. Hence the term open. It’s despicable. She’s going to find someone else who’s stronger and not willing to share her and D you anyways so you mine as well drop your testicles and tell her no way this is happening and let the chips fall where they lie.

Sorry this is harsh but come on man!

I will give what you said a lot of thought. Thanks for your candid reply.

[LH19]

You got it buddy. I’m not discounting this is hard but strength and respect are the only things that give you a chance.

[AnotherStander]

I have no intention of seeing anyone else. She wanted the freedom to. I didn't feel I had much of an option as she was making threats of D and selling the house which would devastate both my kids. It's an in-house separation.

I think you have to ask yourself what you're saving by doing so though. It's an in-house separation where she has free reign to entertain other men. I understand your desire not to break up the home, but surely you're not OK with being roommates indefinitely? And is that really healthy for your kids? Seeing mom run around with strange men? I was in my early teens when my mom started her GGW lifestyle and I can't even begin to tell you how badly it tore me up inside. The divorce was tough enough, but seeing her behave like that was far worse. You really shouldn't do anything to endorse that kind of behavior.

I should add that the intention of this in-house separation is for her to eventually buy out my share of the house and for me to have 50/50 joint custody of the kids.

Well that may be your intention, but she may be content just to continue on as roommates indefinitely with you paying half her bills while she sows her wild oats. It's just extremely disrespectful to you AND the kids, I don't think you should tolerate it.

[mtb1981]

If my WW would have asked to bring another dude home, I would have laughed in her face and tell her whatever she does outside of the house is her business, but once she brings it home, it's my business too...

As far as the separation agreement, who cares? She's going to do whatever she wants anyway. Tear the damn thing up and take back the MBR...

And DO NOT let her hold filing for D and selling the house over you. Tell her she's more than welcome to do that if she thinks that's what she needs to do...


Also, stop thinking about listing the house and having realtors come over in an effort to shake her. She'll know what you're trying to do...

[Drh2001]

If my WW would have asked to bring another dude home, I would have laughed in her face and tell her whatever she does outside of the house is her business, but once she brings it home, it's my business too...

As far as the separation agreement, who cares? She's going to do whatever she wants anyway. Tear the damn thing up and take back the MBR...

And DO NOT let her hold filing for D and selling the house over you. Tell her she's more than welcome to do that if she thinks that's what she needs to do...


Also, stop thinking about listing the house and having realtors come over in an effort to shake her. She'll know what you're trying to do...

I told her I won't allow another man to come into the home. That's my boundary,

I have no intention of seeing anyone else. She wanted the freedom to. I didn't feel I had much of an option as she was making threats of D and selling the house which would devastate both my kids. It's an in-house separation.

I think you have to ask yourself what you're saving by doing so though. It's an in-house separation where she has free reign to entertain other men. I understand your desire not to break up the home, but surely you're not OK with being roommates indefinitely? And is that really healthy for your kids? Seeing mom run around with strange men? I was in my early teens when my mom started her GGW lifestyle and I can't even begin to tell you how badly it tore me up inside. The divorce was tough enough, but seeing her behave like that was far worse. You really shouldn't do anything to endorse that kind of behavior.

I should add that the intention of this in-house separation is for her to eventually buy out my share of the house and for me to have 50/50 joint custody of the kids.

Well that may be your intention, but she may be content just to continue on as roommates indefinitely with you paying half her bills while she sows her wild oats. It's just extremely disrespectful to you AND the kids, I don't think you should tolerate it.

I'm giving what you said a lot of thought. She will do whatever she wants, even at the cost of the kids. As Sandi2 said, that's her selfishness leading her. I did tell her she is not to behave like GGW in front of the kids. And they are not to know what she is doing.

I'm not OK being room mates indefinitely - she is looking for another job so she can afford to refinance. I am hoping this won't take too long. She can't do it right now on her salary.

If she does break the agreement I will file D which is something I am looking into.

I'm already looking at homes to rent/buy so I'm not standing still just waiting.

In the meantime I'm doing 180s and GAL.

[Drh2001]

If my WW would have asked to bring another dude home, I would have laughed in her face and tell her whatever she does outside of the house is her business, but once she brings it home, it's my business too...

As far as the separation agreement, who cares? She's going to do whatever she wants anyway. Tear the damn thing up and take back the MBR...

And DO NOT let her hold filing for D and selling the house over you. Tell her she's more than welcome to do that if she thinks that's what she needs to do...


Also, stop thinking about listing the house and having realtors come over in an effort to shake her. She'll know what you're trying to do...

Thank you mtb1981 for the advice. I will tell her this if she tries to bring another dude to the house. Taking back the MBR is a bit late now - we had a relative staying with us when she did the BD. And I hadn't found this forum yet. I knew nothing about DB.

[hoosjim]

Why is it too late? It's your BR isn't it? Is your stuff still in there? Even if it's not... move the heck back in! (At least if you want to have any shot at all of this thing resolving in your favor.)

And you don't be a jerk about it-- just calmly and confidently do it. I am pretty sure others on your thread here have given you insights into how to approach that particular dynamic.

[mtb1981]

I agree 100% with hoosjim. I get the feeling you have a bad case of NGS. You need to get your gonads back and command some respect. Like he said, you don't need to be a jerk about it. Just explain to her that you've changed your mind if she asks. That it's the MBR, you're going to sleep there, and she can have the room in the basement. It was her choice to have an affair, not yours...

She cheated on you. You moved to the basement. She's still wanting to hook up with other guys. She instills fear in you with the threat and D and selling the house. She's out doing God knows what and you're scared that you'll upset her if you take the MBR back. You look weak to her and she has no respect for you. Things won't change until you stick up for yourself. She can't love you if she doesn't respect you...

And trust me, I know it's hard. It took me awhile to get my gonads back. When I did, that's when things starting changing for the better. Stop trying to appease her and start doing what's best for Drh and your daughters...

[hoosjim]

Yes, mtb is correct.

And let me add: IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO DB!!! Or even to implement any particular step/concept of DB.

You want to know what MY low point/nadir/ball-less point was? I'll tell you: Desperate as I was to get back in her good graces, and also completely willingly accepting of the advice of my well-meaning (but woefully misinformed and misguided) buddy... I basically sat my WW down for a relationship talk and, in order to avoid "pressuring" her and in fact take as much pressure as possible off her, told her that I would "release her from her wedding vows." YIKES! This same friend of mine had done just that and said it was "freeing" for him and "opened a new chapter in his relationship with his W" and urged me to do the same! (For those of you who followed my sitch in detail, this is my friend who was a GAL champ, but fell flat on his face in terms of demanding the respect of and properly dealing with his own WW, which WW also happened to be MY ww's bff--- and boy did it blow up in his face: His WW ended up running off with HIS best friend to live on the beach over 1000 miles away and ended up with primary custody of the kids to boot.) At any rate, this "loving, non-controlling" move of mine did NOTHING for my MR. Thankfully, it was not long after that I found this site (or more accurately "returned to" it after my first visit proved confusing and I failed to find the proper "newcomer's" forum) and started to get things turned around. I somewhat shortly thereafter began setting boundaries, one of which was that I would not live in an open MR or share my W with another man. My WW's first objection to this was "but you released me from our vows!" To which I replied: 1) "Such a thing is beyond my power to do and fully in the hands of the almighty" (she is Catholic) and 2) "I wasn't thinking clearly in the immediate aftermath of your betrayal but I am thinking MUCH more clearly, now, thank you!" And that shut that down right damned quick. And we eventually reconciled... but only after she had fully regained her respect for me which required not only the above but, eventually, me completely cutting the cord and walking away from the relationship.

So, look... if I can recover from telling my W she is released from her vows, then you can sure as heck recover from telling her you are leaving the MBR.

Get it together, man! We're all pulling for you but you've got to do the heavy lifting yourself.

[Drh2001]

Yes, mtb is correct.

And let me add: IT IS NEVER TOO LATE TO DB!!! Or even to implement any particular step/concept of DB.

You want to know what MY low point/nadir/ball-less point was? I'll tell you: Desperate as I was to get back in her good graces, and also completely willingly accepting of the advice of my well-meaning (but woefully misinformed and misguided) buddy... I basically sat my WW down for a relationship talk and, in order to avoid "pressuring" her and in fact take as much pressure as possible off her, told her that I would "release her from her wedding vows." YIKES! This same friend of mine had done just that and said it was "freeing" for him and "opened a new chapter in his relationship with his W" and urged me to do the same! (For those of you who followed my sitch in detail, this is my friend who was a GAL champ, but fell flat on his face in terms of demanding the respect of and properly dealing with his own WW, which WW also happened to be MY ww's bff--- and boy did it blow up in his face: His WW ended up running off with HIS best friend to live on the beach over 1000 miles away and ended up with primary custody of the kids to boot.) At any rate, this "loving, non-controlling" move of mine did NOTHING for my MR. Thankfully, it was not long after that I found this site (or more accurately "returned to" it after my first visit proved confusing and I failed to find the proper "newcomer's" forum) and started to get things turned around. I somewhat shortly thereafter began setting boundaries, one of which was that I would not live in an open MR or share my W with another man. My WW's first objection to this was "but you released me from our vows!" To which I replied: 1) "Such a thing is beyond my power to do and fully in the hands of the almighty" (she is Catholic) and 2) "I wasn't thinking clearly in the immediate aftermath of your betrayal but I am thinking MUCH more clearly, now, thank you!" And that shut that down right damned quick. And we eventually reconciled... but only after she had fully regained her respect for me which required not only the above but, eventually, me completely cutting the cord and walking away from the relationship.

So, look... if I can recover from telling my W she is released from her vows, then you can sure as heck recover from telling her you are leaving the MBR.

Get it together, man! We're all pulling for you but you've got to do the heavy lifting yourself.

Hoosiim, thanks for sharing this and wow, what a messy situation. Glad you got things back on track. I need to rethink my strategy. I am doing 180s and GAL but I find it very difficult to detach. It probably helped that youir wife was Catholic. My WW is a lapsed Christian.

And thanks for the help, I appreciate it.