The divorce has become as ugly as one would expect from a sociopath. But Iím getting better. Slowly. Every day I feel a bit stronger and realise I didnít deserve this, itís not my fault. Iíve finally realised that despite my desperate attempts to be nice, you just canít negotiate with a terrorist - which is exactly what a WAS in MLC is.
I made a completely reasonable financial proposal which she didnít respond to for several months. When my lawyer asked her for an update - she responded with an application to court for financial settlement. Is refusing any attempt at amicable third party driven mediation. So controlling and narcissistic.
After six months of reasoned, calm and common sense techniques from my lawyer and I, she is still refusing to budge on custody - so weíre off to court for that too. I have no other option to protect the future of my kids with 50:50 access.
She has taken $70k cash in six months and has applied to the court for 4:1 (yeah you read that right) split of our asset pool, plus $400/week alimony, plus $300/week child support, plus me to pay all her court costs. All of this while Iím temporarily unemployed and unpaid from my job due to COVID19. Sheís absolutely delusional. How much is from her and how much is from the lawyer I donít know, but her lawyer is getting paid by the hour and so has no motivation to go to mediation or see an amicable financial or custodial solution. However, she is still responsible for directing her lawyer so itís still her responsibility. If I told her the sky is blue she would risk her life trying to prove its green with purple polka dots.
Still hasnít got off her @ss and got a job. I think she expects to remain a stay at home Mum on her old lifestyle of drinking coffee all day with her girlfriends and that Iím going to fund it all. My lawyer is taking the lead now. I spent 10 years as the main bread winner (in a demanding, well paid job) and every minute I was home I was doing all the housework, renovated three houses myself and being a great Dad.
I have to stay patient and indifferent, but part of me just wants it done. I still love her and the person she was when we married, but Iíve realised how toxic it is to be around her. I donít want to be cruel or adversarial, I just want to get on with building a new life for me and my two little men rather than being a slave and money fountain for a very unwell person that I just canít help any more. I stuck by her through 12 years of bouts of anorexia and depression and itís now time I found ways to add energy to my life rather than have it sucked away.
I remember finding a topless photo of her on her phone 18 months ago which she explained as ďI took it to send to you but got overwhelmed and changed my mind.Ē Canít believe I fell for that. Most responders to my initial post discussed the very real possibility there was an EA/PA. Looking back on this event, it now seems obvious there probably was/still is. Guilt is a powerful motivator to justify treating someone like sh**.
Oh and she ignored every one of my and my lawyerís multiple requests over the last four months for me to see our dying family pet, and then had him put down without giving me the opportunity to say goodbye first. Rang me from the vet in tears. Did she expect sympathy and comforting from me? Sociopathic behaviour 101.
These MLCs are completely insane, horrrible, manipulative, sick people.
I canít wait to rebuild a new life without all this cruelty. I deserve it!
Last edited by job; 05/24/2003:41 PM. Reason: edited language
Sorry you are so embroiled within the business side of this mess. MLCers, W, will act irrationally. They live with constant emotional pressures. Everything for them is driven from feelings and torment. Months of nothing and then demands of court settlements, a 4 to 1 spilt, an unfair custody arrangement - yeah itís tough. Itís irrational.
You sound strong and stable. Well done!
Listen to your lawyer and let him secure and protect your and your boys futures. I am sure he has explained your rights and how bizarre her requests are. This is the business side of things. Iím glad to see you keeping your emotions out of it. Well mostly. And you are correct - you cannot negotiate with a terrorist.
In my opinion, if an idea or arrangement, no matter how sound and logical, doesnít come from the MLCer, they will dismiss it. The MLCer just needs to think feel they came up with the idea or the final putting it in to action. It takes some finesse, and luck, to find a way for an irrational person to feel theyíve won and therefore accept something - as I said, regardless of how beneficial it actually is for them.
Another thing, which I figure you already realize, is that MLCers usually talk big but donít act very quickly. 6 months and still nothing signed or close to being signed. If this pace suits you, let her do the heavy lifting. As long as your boys are safe, you get to see them appropriately, financial matters are ok - then be patient. However, if things are not good, you can push this forward to protect yourself.
I am glad to read about your healing path. You are a great Dad. You want to be compassionate and non adversarial. Itís good to realize that being cruel will do little; it will just bring you regrets later on.
Iím sorry you didnít, and couldnít see your dying pet. People in crisis can behave in cruel and horrible manner, they have such a lack of empathy, actually temporarily lack the ability for empathy. Their own emotional torment overrides everything else - rational thought, empathy, sympathy, morality, judgement, decision making, and so on. Itís all about them and their feelings. Case in point, your W called from the vet, crying. She was sad for her loss.
You are doing well K. Detachment and indifference are must haves to get through this mess. I do promote the idea of compassionate indifference; and if I may be so bold I think it would suit you well.
As time progresses your indifference towards W will lessen. Let compassion in. You can feel empathy. You have the ability.
Originally Posted by Kind18
Did she expect sympathy and comforting from me?
Yes. She did.
She didnít call to torment you. Her being an irrational mess, does not necessarily make her without conscience. MLC just overrides as her emotions are cranked to eleven.
These MLCs are completely insaneirrational, behave horribly, manipulative, and sadly quite sick people.
Separate the behaviour from the person. Seeing behaviour and person separately alters how one defines a person and the choices that persons makes.
This is of course for you. Your path. Your healing. Compassionate indifference, kindness, understanding, empathy, and forgiveness. Good and noble headings to walk towards, IMHO.
Originally Posted by Kind18
I canít wait to rebuild a new life without all this cruelty. I deserve it!
Yes, you and your boys do deserve and good life.
Start rebuilding now. What is preventing it?
From my experience - itís you. Yes, W reaches in and stirs things up, behaves cruelly, and is dragging out settling anything. So what, she doesnít and cannot control you. Focus on you and your boys. Live that good life.
Strong and stable.
You got this.
Current Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18
Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15 M26 T29 Dec 9/17-Legal Separation Oct 3/18-W Files Apr 6/19-Divorced
Itís time for me to move on. I just want to concentrate 100% on being a great Dad, work a great job so I can provide financially for my family, and get on with the rest of my life. I definitely need to be free of the stress and drama and heartache of always trying to rescue and placate a sociopath.
I still have the odd bad day here and there, but theyíre much more infrequent now, and overall Iím at peace that the happiest way forward is without her. That will produce the strongest, most resilient Dad in the long term - so that is what I am doing for my kids.
I hope she gets her **** in a pile, because Iíd like to see her happy eventually. I donít wish anything bad on her, no matter how cruel and manipulative and immoral she chooses to be towards me. Most likely a long journey of discovery and self realisation is beyond her, but I hope for her sake she can climb that mountain. As my IC always tells me ďthe best predictor of future behavior is past behavior!Ē
Iím going to head on over to the divorce forum and continue my journey there. Once I start a thread Iíll link from here to there.
Iím still stood down from work, but thatís good! Iím renovating, painting, camping with the kids, bike riding, going out for coffee, and reconnecting with so many great people. Iíve also been hitting the gym hard and have put on 8kg since separation and a six pack has slowly appeared.
When I have custody of my two little men, I still sneak in at night and watch them sleep for a few mins. This strong, rebuilding man is still brought to his knees by their innocence!
I hope everyone is well. This is such a great community... I hope one day to be able to give back and support others as youíve all supported me.
Read this on another thread, and couldnít believe how succinctly it described my exact situation.
It starts out with her threatening a divorce when you confront her about her inappropriate behavior. Instead of her apologizing and correcting it, she throws up the D card. How serious she is........nobody knows, but I can tell you that once she starts threatening, it will weigh on her mind more & more. The fact that she blames you for everything, says she doesn't take responsibility for her part in this situation, IMHO. Maybe some of that comes from not being held accountable when she was growing up, or after she became an adult. Perhaps you are the only one she sees to blame, depending on how small her world has become.
Financial settlement has been ratified by the court. Alimony claim (itís called spousal maintenance in Australia) was thrown out. Custody - report from the court found Iím a great Dad, gave me more custody in the interim, and return to court mid next year so I can apply for even more.
Kids are doing great. Iíve never seen them happier. I always praise their Mum despite her treating me worse than ever, but simultaneously they seem to be joining the dots and working things out for themselves. The youngest constantly asks for hugs and gives me shoulder massages (heís physical touch). The elder one looks at me with quiet respect and knows how hard Iíve been fighting. Heís going to be academic like I was when I was young.
House sells shortly, and that will be another great leap forward.
She came to collect some things last week. Letís just say I was so incredibly proud of the way I handled it. She completely embarrassed herself and appears to have lost all control of her mental health. I was calm, stable, kind and empathetic. I couldnít have done that 12 months ago. I think as we move close to being completely disconnected she is struggling with the loss of control over me.
But Iíve realised that I can be simultaneously sad and embarrassed for her, and yet also know itís not my problem to fix and walk in the complete opposite direction. Itís hard watching someone you used to love tearing their life apart in a maelstrom of self destructive behaviour. I hope she gets some help and finds her happiness - that would make me happy too.
I think sheís got a boyfriend, but donít really give a s***. I hope heís got his money locked away Maybe if that works out she will finally put down her sword and we can all get on with our lives amicably.
Iím getting fit. Have put on 10kg (22lbs) muscle at the gym since she left. Have rekindled my passion for downhill MTB with some mates from work. Renovated the entire inside of the house over the last six months and increased the value about $100k. Sheíll see most of that advantage due to the financial split (and I paid for all the materials myself)... but I donít really give a s***. It gave me a goal and structure while unemployed due COVID - and if that money ends up giving my kids a better quality of life when they live with her, thatís a good outcome in my mind.
Have been chatting with a few lady friends, but no dates. One is incredibly beautiful, smart, talented, funny and grounded - but we are in completely different phases of our life so Iíll just cultivate it as a friendship only for now. If the right person comes along, I think perhaps in another 6 months or so I might try a date or two and see what happens.
Have strengthened relationships with all of all my family, especially my brother. I feel more self aware, more cognisant of my own worth, less like I have to carry the world on my shoulders... almost like Iím just a passenger on this wild ride around the sun. You never know how many more laps youíre going to get, so make the most of every one!
I also donít harbour regret despite all her heinous behaviour. I met an incredibly kind, honest, wonderful person and we had the most amazing relationship and made two incredible little boys Iím growing into men. I made the best decision I could at the time and I wouldnít change it for the world. But Iím also acutely aware that person doesnít exist any more and my ultimate future is without her in my life (beyond co-parenting). Perhaps in a few more years Iíll realise this was a blessing. Despite her leaving me, Iím getting her served in two weeks time. I imagine that will be hard for her as she loses one of the few things she has left to control me. I feel sorry that it will probably hit her like a ton a bricks.
If youíre new here... it gets better. Not quickly. Not without setbacks. Not without hard work. But it does get better. Itís like climbing an icy mountain. Sometimes you have crap days. Sometimes you lose your footing and slide backwards. But when those days happen, you just have to zoom out and look a the big picture. Three steps forward followed by 2 steps back - and eventually youíll still reach the summit.
A few veterans on DB told me the 12 month mark was a real turning point for them, and have to agree with their experience.