I’m a 38H. W43 S8, S7 Met/Started Dating 12/2007 Engaged 03/2009 Married 01/2010
For me, started to notice real M difficulty towards end of 2017 when I moved interstate for job related training for four months.
Once back home Mar 2018, things went downhill slowly.
Stayed at my parents’ house for a few nights May 2018, went on work trip for a week, came home to sort it out - got told I was not coming back to the house.
Spent three months working on me and trying to get marriage counselling started.
After three months and on advice of Christian counsellor, moved back in. W refused to see counsellor after this. Very slow but steady improvement. Great family holidays all over the world with W and S8, S7.
Things settled enough that 06/2019 asked if we could see a different counsellor. Fierce resistance, went to three sessions in 11/2019.
Came home from two day work trip, W gone, S8,S7 gone, and most possessions gone plus a bunch of cash. Lawyer letter the next day.
Spent two weeks begging and pleading and crying. Incredible level of cruelty directed at me.
Have ordered DR, should arrive next day or two.
Praying my butt off, trying to detach a little but finding it incredibly hard.
I suspect MLC and mental health issues, I doubt any EA/PA. I have been so kind through all of this and just keep getting hurt.
S8, S7 really struggling. Help!
Last edited by job; 12/23/1909:53 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Hi, Kind. I am pretty new here myself but want to offer my support. Finding your family gone must have been such a horrible shock—I’m so sorry. This board is a good place to be, and I’m sure others will be along soon to post.
Sending you lots of love and prayers! Check out Rejoice Ministries, that has helped a lot of us. I have been standing for seven years and faith will help you through the hardest climbs -- but I do think I made a mistake not protecting myself earlier at least by understanding my legal rights. She is not allowed to take your kids from you, so you should start with family court to ensure you have your parenting time with the kids and that they are receiving counseling.
I read here that all you have to do to stand is outlast the MLC. You can't change it, but you can outlast it, or stand until you don't want to outlast it.
I was just thinking today about all the kindness and patience I showed my H and how it was met with evil beyond evil, but how living that is a good way to understand Christ (his story was the same idea!) and to trust that God has a plan. The plan might not be to fix things as you want it. Keep being the good man you are, try not to take anything she says/does personally, be patient in knowing that the truth will come out. But use the law to protect your kids and your right to see them or it will only be used against you later for even less contact. Doing that is another way to stand for your family. They need protection from your W at least for the time you can be with them, and they need a safe landing place. A priest once told me, "If your H was burning down your house, would you just leave your kids inside to try to show your respect for him?" I often remember this whenever I get confused about trying to figure out what is best for the kids, since it will usually contradict the MLCers desires and designs.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Unless you were an abusive spouse, I'd be pretty confident that she probably DOES have an affair partner. I'm sorry to say that, but most WASs do, and that's pretty extreme behavior that shows she's been planning this for a while. That's probably why she wasn't enthused about marriage counseling - she was already planning this.
Be really careful to document everything you can, because she may try to set you up for false charges. (Such as false charges of abuse - assuming you're not abusive, as I said.) Save every email and text exchange. Think always about how what you say would sound in court.
Seems to me there's only two kinds of spouses that leave like that - victims of abuse or sociopaths. Read the book The Sociopath Next Door and see if you recognize anything that sounds like her. Someone who was just mentally ill - depressed or psychotic - would not have been that deviously organized about it. Or that pathological. (It's also possible that she's being egged on by someone - does she have a man-hating friend or sister who is this devious?)
You need to stop begging her right NOW. Get yourself a lawyer ASAP and collect all the financial records of everything she took. You're going to have to fight for your kids, and for your fair share. Get her off your credit cards. Run a credit check to make sure she hasn't taken out loans or other cards in your name.
Check the phone records - if she's been having an affair there may be a million texts to one number. This won't matter in no-fault states but at least you would be aware of what you're up against.
Look, I'm not saying there's NO chance for reconciliation - there always is. BUT - someone who would treat you - her children's father - like this in the absence of abuse has a very serious character deficit. I think, if you were to look back on your life with her without the rose-colored glasses, you would start to see that there were red flags flying everywhere. NO ONE goes from being a good person, to someone who would do this to their spouse in the absence of abuse.
Oh - and need I point out, the most sociopath part of this, she does it right before the holidays???
Look, Ive been here for years, and seen a LOT of stories. Just picking up and cleaning out the bank accounts and the house happens pretty infrequently - and is a giant red flag that your spouse has a pretty serious personality disorder (or serious drug addiction, but even they usually aren't this organized).
What's your best guess as to what is REALLY going on?
We have been getting help from our church minister. He assured me that he doesn’t think there’s anyone else involved. He was absolutely gob-smacked to hear what W had done and has no answers either.
There’s no substance abuse issues, and there’s been no domestic violence at any time.
I have access to the children now through lawyers, but not nearly as much as I’d like.
I still suspect mental health issues and MLC are at work here. That’s the only thing I can put it down to. I (like everyone) haven’t been the perfect spouse, but nothing I’ve done or said could possibly warrant how this has gone down over the last 18 months and particularly the last month.
W has a new therapist as of about six months ago, I imagine she is telling W all the problems in her life are my fault.
W made a new friend two years ago, and has detached from some of her long term friends. The new friend was from interstate, and had left an abusive relationship. She took her son and fled for 9 months before the courts allowed him access. In the space of 12 months she met a new guy (very rich) and had married him. I think she has been a horrible influence on W, projecting her life and circumstances our family.
I wish the postal system would hurry up and deliver DR!!
No-one around me or involved in our situation can understand why W as arrived at this point.
I know I need to just detach and work on me for now, but that’s hard when there’s custody issues and lawyers barking at each other.
Detaching has shown some positive results already in the last few days.
I’m still praying for a miracle - and getting busy on me in the mean time.
Kind, that is brutal how she did it. I'm with KML, doesn't sound like any midlifer I've heard of. I've read lots and lots of accounts over many years. For your sake, I hope it isn't MLC because if it is, you are years and years away from any kind of ending you are looking for in your posts. Can you wait that long? Can you keep yourself on a shelf for 3 years, 5 years, 7-10 years or more hoping she comes back? Can you live with the thought you might do that and she never comes back? What if you make this the best 7-10 years of your life? If she didn't come back, would it matter?
In my own experience, as long as you are praying for a particular outcome, then you are not detached. You really will not know what effect it will have on you or her until you get there. For me, detachment took a long, long time and I think let my H know I was sitting up on the shelf waiting for him. Must be really comfortable knowing you have a nice life you can go back to whenever the fun new one isn't so fun anymore. Guess I can't really blame him for wanting to know he had that Plan B. I could care less what happens now because I have a life I value and the people in my life want to be there. I can't worry any more about the ones who don't want to be.
You may be right about the friend, but does it matter? What is it going to change? DR is helpful, but it isn't a cure-all. That is inside of you.
Cry, scream, run a marathon, do something. Action feels better than inaction. Time goes by much faster when you are busy and focused on other things. That's really what it is about.
I am sorry. What a cruel way to have the rug pulled out from under you. I have some experience in that treatment.
Most WAS / MLCers are cruel to an extent. It helps justify what they are doing. And remember, they are doing it. Your W’s actions and behaviours are about her not you.
Her cleaning out the house and accounts demonstrates her intent, and highlights your pressing need. In all of this situation you have the healing side, your path and the business side, the allocation of assets and custody. Sorry for how cold that sounds, but that is the reality of it. The business side is just that - a business deal that went sideways. Keep emotions out of this side of things.
In most cases the advice is to let the spouse do the heavy lifting, and for you to not help or hinder. In this particular case I believe you need to protect you and your kids ASAP. See a lawyer. Get advice, and learn your rights. Information is power.
I agree with the others and encourage a sense of urgency to you. Please look into this - soon. You can then make an informed decision.
It looks like you have been speaking with a L. The lawyers barking at each other and custody issues, for example. If you have hired a lawyer, good for you. Pass the fight to him, your sanity is important. Your L works for you, let him. That’s just some encouragement; as it’s hard to let go of this and trust it to someone else. Don’t worry you always have the final say.
I am glad you are looking towards yourself and willing to heal. And yes keep praying, you will be surprised how those prayers are answered.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Met with my church minister the other day. He indicated she is struggling with living arrangements and finance, and that I should be helping out with that in the best interests of the kids and getting them some security and normality.
My family/friends don’t agree. While I’m being asked to turn the other cheek and be incredibly generous, I’m getting letters from her lawyer about wanting to accelerate financial settlement and she is still giving me minimal access to the kids.
I’m sorry her life is hard, but these decisions are her responsibility. I can’t rescue her any more, I can’t keep rolling over and being the bigger person - because that just perpetuates the problem we’ve had for two years now. No responsibility, bad decisions, hurtful and premeditated abuse. If she wants rescuing from this, she’s going to have to do it herself. I can’t keep trying to save her, because it makes me too vulnerable to getting hurt.
If this is going to have a happy ending, she’s going to have to decide for HERSELF that’s what she wants. Any other solution is just a waste of time. I’ve told her how I feel, I’ve told her what I want and the behaviour is not changing.
I’m not closing the door because my vow was my vow. And I know she’s confused and unwell, but solving her difficulties right now is actually the worst thing I can do for her long term future.
I just need to keep concentrating on me, and leaving everything else to God. One day at a time...
Last edited by job; 12/29/1901:14 PM. Reason: edited a sentence for the poster
