Married 28 years, 3 teenagers WAH moved out 8 months ago - there is OW LRT since 8/1/19 Filed for D - 11/18/19
When I first came here I was all about the numbers. What % reconcile? How long is the avg separation? Drove myself nuts. What I didn't consider was how I'd feel as a LBS. I don't want a D but it's the only way I can get the financial support I need. It still boggles my mind how many LBS's file. Aren't they the ones that wanted this? Why don't they file? Had anyone told me I'd be the one filing for D I would have thought you were crazy and yet here I am. I get it now.
I don't like it but I have accepted that it's over and I'm left alone with all my insecurities and fears. Know those monsters under your bed? I'm looking for them. It's dark still, I'm terrified and yet I'm tired of being afraid. I don't want to live this way anymore.
It still boggles my mind how many LBS's file. Aren't they the ones that wanted this? Why don't they file? Had anyone told me I'd be the one filing for D I would have thought you were crazy and yet here I am.
Unchien is correct...they do not want the guilt of filing and to look like the bad person to all who know him/her. If the LBs files, he/she can state that the LBS gave up and filed and didn't want to work things out. Blame shifting at its finest.
As for the percentage of people reconcile, you have to keep in mind that people posting here are just a small portion of the population and those that reconcile that post here may not return to post updates. Some divorce and years down the road will reconcile. It's hard to put a number in the percentage box these days.
I think that you are still trying to convince yourself that you are doing the right thing in filing. If filing is the only way that you can get the financial support you need while he's out in La La Land, then you need to protect yourself and your children. If you didn't file, you would continue to struggle financially. Sometimes, we have to do what is best for us and not the person who walked away. In this case, you have to decide what is most important to you and your family. You are the only one that is acting like a responsible adult.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Unchien is correct...they do not want the guilt of filing and to look like the bad person to all who know him/her. If the LBs files, he/she can state that the LBS gave up and filed and didn't want to work things out. Blame shifting at its finest..
I think many also file because they don't like being in limbo, feel as if nothing is happening, simply want to date, or their feelings changes after what happened - this is not your situation.
Originally Posted by job
As for the percentage of people reconcile, you have to keep in mind that people posting here are just a small portion of the population and those that reconcile that post here may not return to post updates. Some divorce and years down the road will reconcile. It's hard to put a number in the percentage box these days.
Actually, there are studies that say is between 5-10% after a couple divorces and around 20% after separation. But that doesn't mean much on a personal level.
Originally Posted by job
I think that you are still trying to convince yourself that you are doing the right thing in filing. If filing is the only way that you can get the financial support you need while he's out in La La Land, then you need to protect yourself and your children. If you didn't file, you would continue to struggle financially. Sometimes, we have to do what is best for us and not the person who walked away. In this case, you have to decide what is most important to you and your family. You are the only one that is acting like a responsible adult.
Unchien is correct...they do not want the guilt of filing and to look like the bad person to all who know him/her. If the LBs files, he/she can state that the LBS gave up and filed and didn't want to work things out. Blame shifting at its finest.
I was so confused when I first got here at how many WAS's didn't file. They'd BD then do absolutely nothing. My own WAH didn't file once he realized it was going to be expensive. I figure he's saved at least $9k so far (8 months) by not filing.
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As for the percentage of people reconcile, you have to keep in mind that people posting here are just a small portion of the population and those that reconcile that post here may not return to post updates. Some divorce and years down the road will reconcile. It's hard to put a number in the percentage box these days.
This is true.
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I think that you are still trying to convince yourself that you are doing the right thing in filing. If filing is the only way that you can get the financial support you need while he's out in La La Land, then you need to protect yourself and your children. If you didn't file, you would continue to struggle financially.
I don't know what planet he's on but if he thinks I'm going to struggle buying groceries after he got a promotion and OW then he's sadly mistaken. Cracks me up how he thinks he so clever hiding things a month after he realized oops kids are observant. So he stopped having nooners at his house so now he comes home for lunch, switches cars and goes somewhere else, comes home switches cars again and goes back to work. Yes this totally worked. Not. I love him but he's clearly lost brain cells while out in La La Land.
I figure he's saved at least $9k so far (8 months) by not filing.
From what you've said about him I doubt he's "saved" anything. He may have "spent" 9k that should have gone to you, but I doubt that money is sitting in the bank! Seems like this is where WAW's and WAH's differ- WAW's tend to set money aside to fund their escape whereas WAH's will often spend money with great abandon.
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I don't know what planet he's on but if he thinks I'm going to struggle buying groceries after he got a promotion and OW then he's sadly mistaken. Cracks me up how he thinks he so clever hiding things a month after he realized oops kids are observant. So he stopped having nooners at his house so now he comes home for lunch, switches cars and goes somewhere else, comes home switches cars again and goes back to work. Yes this totally worked. Not. I love him but he's clearly lost brain cells while out in La La Land.
There's that bitterness again. I know you're mad, we were all there. But you've got to work on letting it go and focusing on you and the kids and making positive changes in your life. I don't want to see you or anyone else end up like my brother, divorced 10 years and still angry and bitter over it and letting it affect his entire outlook. He doesn't date because of her, his financial situation is lousy because of her, the kids struggle because of her, on and on. One would think that 10 years is long enough for someone to take control of their own destiny, but he doesn't see it that way. Like Steve has been encouraging you to do- write down the positive things in your life. If you write them down that will focus your attention on those things.
I think many also file because they don't like being in limbo, feel as if nothing is happening, simply want to date, or their feelings changes after what happened - this is not your situation.
Had he left us in the other house I would have waited a year or so. Evicting me changed everything.
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Actually, there are studies that say is between 5-10% after a couple divorces and around 20% after separation. But that doesn't mean much on a personal level.
I know the numbers inside and out. I've read multiple boards, blogs, lots of stories, personal surveys, I've even looked around at people I know for data. The numbers were conclusive and consistent across everything I read. The numbers are actually pretty good, better than I thought they'd be. If you want hope there is plenty to be had but it could take a while. Use your time wisely.
If I could do anything over through this process was not obsess over what my ex was doing, what the chances were of him and OW lasting, how long their marriage would last, what he’s doing, not doing etc.
Because none of that matters in the end. The only thing that matters is you and your kids and the mental health of them all.
Failure of his R with OW will actually not impact you. Believe it or not. I’d there are other issues, it doesn’t matter. Results will be the same for YOU. If they do get married, does it matter if that marriage will last?
Nope. It’s all irrelevant, and I wholly regret the mental energy I spent on that rather than myself .
From what you've said about him I doubt he's "saved" anything. He may have "spent" 9k that should have gone to you, but I doubt that money is sitting in the bank! Seems like this is where WAW's and WAH's differ- WAW's tend to set money aside to fund their escape whereas WAH's will often spend money with great abandon.
He walked out with $15k in cash plus got that promotion. The move and medical bills cost him $7k. He's working 2 jobs but he's also spending a lot (booze and fast food). I'm going with spending with great abandonment.
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There's that bitterness again. I know you're mad, we were all there. But you've got to work on letting it go and focusing on you and the kids and making positive changes in your life. I don't want to see you or anyone else end up like my brother, divorced 10 years and still angry and bitter over it and letting it affect his entire outlook.
I said yesterday that I sound worse online that I really am and it's true today. I'm righteous not bitter. My kids mean too much to me to give up and become my mother. She is the worst.
Last night D17 was so excited, hugging me, we were listening to music and having a great time. I cleaned the house, lit a candle and felt okay. D14 was also touchy feely which was nice and S19 behaved himself. My only problem and it felt like a knife though my heart was D14 kept air dropping me pictures. All with memories of WAH in them. Pain, pain, excruciating pain. I was so glad when she stopped sending me pictures. It also stung when WAH picked her up at 9:45.
But on the flip side I did think about how blessed I was to have all 3 at home with me while he had to work. Had to go there to keep myself from going to the "he's having a blast" thought. Baby steps.
Nope. It’s all irrelevant, and I wholly regret the mental energy I spent on that rather than myself .
Here is the way it goes. Thoughts of his fabulous life. PAIN. Redirect, do the dishes, kids, kids, kids. Focus, focus, focus. Hold it together. It will pass just ride it out. Whew okay. I'm okay.
OW, he's happy, she took my life. PAIN. Count blessings, go hug S19, light a candle, Kids. Focus. Focus. Focus.
I can't pay my bills, he took the money, I'm going to be alone forever. PAIN. I've got a good attorney, he won't get away with this, I'll be okay alone. Need to be happy alone. This won't kill me. It hurts like heck and I think I can't breathe but it won't last forever. Listen to the music, look at D17's smile. D14 is here. She just snuggled up to me. Wow. Yes that pain in my chest is unbearable but she's here. Focus. Focus. Focus.
I'm trying. I really am. This is just so very hard.
