Plan on doing that today. She will not leave the house because she has too much pride for that. I told her this morning that she can go to the OM’s house. Her response was she wasn’t ever going there. I laughed and said you were there last night. She has got to get out.
I could threaten to take evidence to employer if she didn’t leave by the end of the week. Probably wouldn’t be a great idea to use a threat because I’d have to follow through on it. Would get ugly if I went that route.
Plan on doing that today. She will not leave the house because she has too much pride for that. I told her this morning that she can go to the OM’s house. Her response was she wasn’t ever going there. I laughed and said you were there last night. She has got to get out.
I could threaten to take evidence to employer if she didn’t leave by the end of the week. Probably wouldn’t be a great idea to use a threat because I’d have to follow through on it. Would get ugly if I went that route.
until you reframe your mindset, you will continue to suffer. I did tell you she will most likely stumble. And stumble she did. For all intents and purposes she is an addict.
How would you treat your W if she was an alcoholic?
Do not try to get a rise out of her? And what is your son doing with a tracking app on his mother?!? I hope to got you did not enlist him to do your spying. In any case you should tell him to stop immediately and make sure he does. This business between you and your W is none of his business and he should keep his nose out! And I mean it.
You should also stop snooping. You snooping will do you no good. Watch her actions, not her words. She will be lost to you for an amount of time. There is nothing you can do to reel her back. You filing will not change a thing. It will only give her an "out" and an excuse that the big bad bbaler1 threw her out on her ear. I know the whole world knows that she cheathed on you with OM, but rest assured, in her mind you are at fault here and she will go to any lenght to argue that.
And another thing. If you get her fired, you will be on the hook for spousla support also. Nice going...
I'm sorry to hear about the events that happened this weekend.
Please have your son stop tracking his mother, you don't need him having lasting emotions about his mother because of what she's doing at the moment.
Pack her things and move it all into the garage, she don't have to leave, but you can show her, you don't want the version of a woman she has become. Pack it all up and put it in the garage. If she asks, you say, "I'm just making it easier for me to heal".
The moment you stop confronting her and letting her know her actions have an effect on you, the moment she will start having a shift.
It's funny, I have a friend. His WW cheated on him. He was going thru a hard time, he still is. He divorced her Oct of 2018, she still have him on a string. The reason is, he divorced him physically, but not emotionally. The true break up is the emotional break up. I tell once he breaks his emotional tie, he will start to heal, and possibility get his WW back. And he keeps talking about the OM, but I tell him, they are D, and she's free to date who she wants, but he allow it to affect him.
I'm saying all that to say, a piece of paper will never be as strong as an emotional divorce. Divorce with your actions, stop worrying about that piece of paper and focus on your actions and not hers. You know where she stands, her actions are telling you. But she doesn't know where you stand. Show her, through your actions that you won't tolerate her actions. And the best way to do that. Is by, letting go. I actually told my WW, I was letting go. She just looked at me like whatever, and then, I slowly started to back away. I stop, tracking her, calling her, texting her, questioning her. I stop posting on Social Media. I started smiling around her, and just letting her be. I didn't let her actions get me down. I faked it as first and then it just happened. I stop caring about what she was doing. And she could fell it. She started, bumping into me, I could tell on purpose, started asking me stupid, random, unimportant questions. I would just answer, and kept it moving.
You got this brother.
Onward and forward
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Like JoeJoe says. I may have said something similar in Jdevast post. Make a resolve of silence. Use as little words as necessary, volunteer only what is needed, let your actions speak volumes. If there is anything I learned this year after getting screwed by XW and family is. Don't ever become attached to any outcome, occasion, person, or object. Try to put God first in your life and have a truly repentant heart. (Still struggling with this. Don't get defensive. (Struggling with this too.) Get comfortable with your own silence, be a doer and not a thinker, and people who want to be in your life and willing to try and understand you will make the effort. Forgive them, forgive yourself, be slow to speak, quick to listen, trust is earned and not given.
My oldest some was not spying. They have Life360 which allows the family to track movements and how fast they drive etc..... I told him to not worry about where she goes and that I’m fine with it. Many families use the app. I have them also so I can track my sons in case of emergency. It gives a lot of information My wife obviously forgot to turn off her location and he happened to see it. He uses it to track all his friends.
As for me I know I need to let go emotionally before I file. I’m slowly getting there.
I agree with IH, you're staying on the right track. Stick with NC unless it's about the kids. She's not repentant yet, she's just throwing lures at you to try and hook you. If she does she'll never reel you in, she'll be content to leave you dangling on the line. She's got to think she may really lose you and she's not there yet. You are right, she continues to be disrespectful and defiant.
I agree about her wanting to keep me on the hook. If I don’t respond to text and stay gone she checks the phone bill to see who I have been calling and what I am up too. Why would she even care? Her plans are to make a decision in January. She wants to attend at least 2 counseling sessions. All of this is to benefit her and what ever her plans are in the future or what she thinks her plans are in the future.
I believe if I give in to that then she would just be going about her business trying to control and manipulate this situation. I will not let that happen because I see right through it. She is going through this journey and I am stepping aside to let her.
I believe the OM will be leaving and taking another job after the first of the year. She is probably thinking she will make a decision then because they could possibly be together then. If this is so she will have to make the decision knowing that I have stood up for what is right and I have become stronger by not begging and pleading or being around her.
What ever may happen in the future, I know that I will be ok. I’ve been reading and working on my own shortcomings. I have a lot of work to do as someone else stated. I have some issues from my past that have caused me to be a beta male and has made me unattractive.
I am slowly gaining my confidence back. I think the key is to continue to be patient and follow the DB methods. I realize I have been caught in a cycle and I can’t continue to be stuck in that same loop. At the end of the day happiness comes from within and not someone else or something else. When we are passionate and living with purpose we show off our Alpha male tendencies and we become attractive and confident.
She checks the phone bill because she is projecting what she is doing. Cheating. Period. Her and her emotions are stuck between past present and future. She can't decide. The past wasn't good enough, the present isn't good enough, and the future she doesn't know what it holds with the OM. They all have plan a, plan b, plan c, excetera, and try to manipulate the outcome to their advantage depending on how they're feeling or what's available to them. It's passion, validation, attention and survival. it's just the way it is. You can't be bitter or salty about it and I'll get to that in a minute.
Had my own thoughts about the confidence thing before I even read you're post today. Was going to put it on my own post. But bballer I totally understand what you are saying about being caught in the loop, struggling with changing ourselves, staying committed, motivated, past issue, resolve, LIVING WITH PURPOSE WITHOUT BEING ATTACHED TO ANYTHING OR ANYONE IN PARTICULAR. Every time we break up with someone we temporarily lose ourselves for a period of time until we find ourselves again that other person is no longer the focus of our life. We all get stuck in the loop otherwise we wouldn't be here venting our shortcomings. We would be out living our life large without even thinking about any of this. It would just "be" and not "as if". Relationships are screwy like that. Slowly we make the other person in our life our priority or sometimes we don't and we wind up here as a result. We lose ourselves in another person slowly over time, and become unattractive as a result of it. That is attachment. When we were ourselves in the beginning. The reason why is because we weren't attached to anyone or anything. We were just doing our own thing that's what made us attractive. That and I'm sure that and other factors like the newness of everything. It takes a while of reflection on all of your failed relationships to get this stuff. When you are the rock they gravitate to you. You have to be the rock, the gentleman, the provider, the lover, the earner, the planner, the gatekeeper and the guardian of the relationship you should be steering the ship at all times, never allowing their turbulent water's to knock you off course with their indecisiveness.
Who here likes Top Gun? Top Gun 2 comes out next month. This one goes out to Uni, Bballer, Wolfman, Curtis, LH19, AS, Steve85, Jdevastand every other person here stuck on becoming their best self. I thought about the original today and about confidence. Maverick is a non textbook, loose cannon, instinctive pilot. If you really pay attention to the movie and the dynamics. He is a wild-card genius because he is not attached to anything and isn't textbook. (Outside of the box Alpha Male. Attractive.) He flies by the seat of his pants. But. Because he has something to prove because he was given false information about his father, he flies with a lot of gusto and unpredictability. He knows he is good enough at times, is over confident/cocky. But he also doubts if he is good enough at times when his impulsivity gets him into trouble by not following protocol (DB) and makes mistakes which cost him. (Marriage) He knows how to have confidence at times, and is cocky.
Kelly McGillus: "It was a long cruise wasn't it sailor? What did you expect me to hop right on the floor and go for it?
Maverick: "No actually I had this counter in mind."
Pay particular attention to his pregnant pauses and the sexual tension throughout the movie with him and Kelly McGillis.
Is it any wonder the main song is. You've Lost That Loving Feeling?... Why? CONFIDENCE!!! The loss of confidence loses that loving feeling... Just the way it is guys...That's the reality of attraction.
Back to the confidence topic. Maverick goes into a flat spin, Goose dies. Maverick looses his edge and his nerve. (BD) He feels responsible for Goose's death even though the circumstances were out of his control. ( Marriage failure due to past behaviors.) He wallows in his own self pity. He almost decides to quit Top Gun, (And life all together because of his guilt, his past, and his mistakes.) Kelly McGillus sees this at the bar scene just before she leaves him. (Very Unattractive. No Confidence.)
Maverick visits Viper to consider his options to quit, or graduate Top Gun. Viper reveals Maverick's father did everything right and heroically. Pay particular attention to what Viper says here. He says... "The fact of the matter is you feel responsible for for Goose's death and you have a confidence problem." (BD and attachment to our spouses and the hindrance of not letting the marriage and them go based on our focus of them and our mistakes.) "Its no disgrace...That flat spin was hell, it would have shook me up." (BD) Maverick:" Are you saying I should quit?" Viper: "I didn't say that. The simple fact is you feel responsible for Goose and you have a confidence problem. Now I'm not gonna sit here and blow sunshine up your a$$, Lieutenant. A good pilot is compelled to always evaluate what's happened, so he can apply what he's learned. (180's, behaviors, responding with confidence IN ALL CIRCUMSTANCE. Knowing from experience not to make the same mistakes twice and being compelled by emotions.)
Maverick lets go, detaches, applies what he's learned. Mission accomplished.
