Those that are just checking in on my post. My wife is very very slowly coming to realize the pain and suffering she has caused those she loves.
As for myself, I am getting stronger and will be happy no matter what the outcome may be. Great group of supporters on this chat!! Big shout out to "AS, JJ, HJ, LH9, and all the others.
Does anyone know if Sandy is still on the Forum???? I would like to see her advice and how she feels about my situation.
Do not trust her as yet. She will succumb. for all intents and purposes she is a drug addict, addicted to the chemical release in her brain that her infactuation causes. Expect her to fail, it is normal for them to fail, she could fail several times, she will be unable to help herself, until her brain resets.
Honestly, try thinking of her as a drug addict or an alcoholic. In any case, you have to walk your path forward and I do not mean filing. Filing will do nothing for you, it might give you a short term satisfaction, but that will wear off fast. You have to carry on improving yourself, being the best man you can be.
Your wife might be starting to feel the pain of ruining your relationship, but ATM the her pain of losing her beau trumps that pain. And that will remain so for at least a month or two.
Give it time. Do not throw in the towel on the first set-back, and setbacks there will be.
Do not trust her as yet. She will succumb. for all intents and purposes she is a drug addict, addicted to the chemical release in her brain that her infactuation causes. Expect her to fail, it is normal for them to fail, she could fail several times, she will be unable to help herself, until her brain resets.
Honestly, try thinking of her as a drug addict or an alcoholic. In any case, you have to walk your path forward and I do not mean filing. Filing will do nothing for you, it might give you a short term satisfaction, but that will wear off fast. You have to carry on improving yourself, being the best man you can be.
Your wife might be starting to feel the pain of ruining your relationship, but ATM the her pain of losing her beau trumps that pain. And that will remain so for at least a month or two.
Give it time. Do not throw in the towel on the first set-back, and setbacks there will be.
Stay strong buddy...
Thanks Vapo, I read Curtis7's posts. Man I surely do not want to be doing that for a year. I know I can let go. I'm strong enough to let go but I have to fully do it. My actions have been all over the place and probably set me back due to me pressuring her and trying to manipulate the situation. Truth is I have not control of the outcome and only control myself.
In her letter she clearly states her doubts that I will want to be with her in the future. She claims to be fine with it but this suggest "her own doubts". I can decipher enough from the letter to know that she is hesitant about being married and us working this out. I think the counseling is just a ploy to TRY. No need to TRY when I know that i will need for her to be CERTAIN. Certain isn't coming anytime soon.
Problem is that when trying to go dark it doesn't work unless you are completely fine with it. WW's can sense it and pick up on it. Best thing I could have done is after reading her letter, " I appreciate the letter now please let me go to sleep, I am tired. Have a good night." No instead I give her a hug, which implies I'm still on the hook and Plan B for the future.
This morning I mentioned discussing terms and boundaries and she had the balls to suggest she had some term and boundaries as well because we wouldn't be going back to the same marriage we had before. I simply said, I have been trying to say that from day 1. Our old marriage is dead. I have told her this several times before.
I think its time to see a good IC for myself. I need the structure and help with making myself stronger and finding happiness within myself. Once that is done I will be better for future relationships if my marriage doesn't work out.
Strength x2 right now. Obviously JJ and HJ have been through it but I don’t think either of the Ws were half as bad as yours. (No offense) Not saying you don’t have a chance I just suspect she hasn’t hit rock bottom yet.
Your wife might be starting to feel the pain of ruining your relationship, but ATM the her pain of losing her beau trumps that pain. And that will remain so for at least a month or two.
Give it time. Do not throw in the towel on the first set-back, and setbacks there will be.
Seems we're all giving you the same advice regarding being cautious, not trusting her and on expecting her to regress a few times before she's really on-board with recon. BB, you've been a great listener and have done really well at implementing DB recommendations throughout your time here. I know it's not easy sometimes and "feels" wrong, but your sitch is a great example of how it can be effective when done properly. Keep it up!
Originally Posted by bballer1
How do I clip the quotes instead of the entire dialogue?
After you hit "quote" below the post, you can edit it in the editing window to remove everything you don't want. Just make sure to keep the quote tags before and after the post so it displays correctly. You can hit "preview reply" before posting to make sure it looks like you want it to (I do this every time I post). Also you can click on "use full editor" which gives you more editing options, such as bolding text, italicizing, adding quote tags around text, etc.
Strength x2 right now. Obviously JJ and HJ have been through it but I don’t think either of the Ws were half as bad as yours. (No offense) Not saying you don’t have a chance I just suspect she hasn’t hit rock bottom yet.
My mother has some what been down this path. She said it wasn't until she got the divorce and dated for a while until it finally hit her one day that she still loved my father and wanted her family to remain together. I think I am a long way from any form of true Recon. If it happened tomorrow, I know that it wouldn't last because I am trying to control the outcome by manipulating with boundaries. It's simple when believed, I will not live in an open relationship. Believing again is taking the actions that justify that statement. Those actions have to be 100% real all the time. Knowing that one word or sentence will not magically make this happen. Only time will make this happen. Hope is a good thing but I think reality is knowing that she has to fully choose me or else this marriage will fail again. The Authentic strong me,not the passive-aggressive, manipulative me. Important to DB and live by strong principles. Alpha male behaviors with compassion.
You see the letter was great but I know that true remorse would be her pursuing me and to some degree begging for me to be her husband. Maybe I am wrong here but I don't think this will happen for a while. I think her job and her colleague friends are all reminders of her future dreams. Especially her job which she should be leaving in May. Once she changes her job then she will have a different perspective. She will move away from her divorced colleague friends etc... The reminder of what she had will slowly fade as well. This is just my opinion.
I think my timing may be best during that transition of her getting a new job, but who knows. I've read on here that actions and timing are everything. Unfortunately I should have been strong up front but with the exposure in town and with her job, maybe that has given me some time.
I do know that when she asked for separation in June, I left for 2 days and she was begging for me to come back. On discovery in July, I should have immediatley put her out the MB and DB'd like crazy. I will continue to DB and will see an IC to help with DB.
That is all very well. One of the points I was trying to make was also not to be to hard on yourself. Let's say for the sake of argument that she stumbles and you would be beating yourself up for hugging hwer or something. You walk your path, enforce only the bondaries that are enforceable. You watch her actions and look for consistency.
Another thing you will have probably notice is that your intuition started kicking in, i.e. your "bull$hit detector" got switched on. In recenty weeks/months I bet you got a lot better at detecting bull cookies.
