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Hello friends,
Thank you so much for those recommendations above. I really needed it. I’m so grateful for this community.

Admittedly, it’s been a whole month since I’ve been here and I haven’t been catching up on anyone’s thread. I have a lot going on and, it’s so weird, but I can barely process anything. It’s burnout... just being fried.

The only reading I have bandwidth for is work emails, and COVID info. As a healthcare administrator, I am living and breathing this stuff and feels like every waking moment is consumed.

I’m not in a bad mental state like I was before... I think I’ve come to accept the current reality and am just doing the best I can. It’s exhausting though. I am trying to find ways to sneak in exercise, and eat right. Sleep could use some improving.... I end up staying up late watching mindless TV since it helps shut my brain down.

It’s a crazy time otherwise. I was supposed to be moving right now. That’s not happening. I had to negotiate a short term lease with my landlord to get me through the next few months. My grandfather has been in and out of the hospital (and he’s currently in the hospital right now). He seems to be on the mend, thank goodness. And ex has reared his head again.... sigh.

I feel like he’s cornering me. Could just be a threat... could be real. In any case, I just don’t have it in me right now. He’s “assembling a team of accountants and lawyers to fight this to the very end.”
Again, he’s fighting to make sure I get nothing. It’s not that I’m asking for anything unreasonable and he needs to protect himself from me...... it’s so I walk away with nothing.

I don’t know guys.... I have no more money to protect myself from him anymore. It’s been 5 years of this. Never in a million years did I think the legal system could be this wretched. I thought a simple divorce case like ours would be cut and dry.
What do I do? It’s so exhausting. I’m so defeated.


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Ah Pax, I'm so sorry.

I don't want to make light of your situation in any way, but I wish the many, many people in this world who don't understand why I don't go against the advice of experts I have talked to and file could read your posts. For some of us, it is not just a simple file and be done.

I'm glad you are in a better mental place. It is hard to get there and stay there, but being busy usually feels better than the alternative.

I wonder what your lawyer thinks of the threats? I often see a big flurry of garbage before someone gives up. It sounds like maybe he needs a "team of accountants and lawyers" to fight this thing because the ones he has talked to have told him he is hosed. I would try to write this off as the bully posturing (and bullies are all just cowards in reality), put it to the back of your mind, and just stay the course to get what you are entitled to. The judge has already sanctioned him. They have his number. Sounds a bit like a tempest in a teapot to me.

Stay safe in the world and focus on the better life on the other side of this.

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Pax, I fired my lawyer and am just presenting everything myself. It's the judge's job to make an equitable distribution. Lawyers did nothing for me, everything I did was something I pushed myself. And it is not going to look good for my H to go in demanding everything with his histrionic bully of a lawyer and I am just alone with no lawyer. The only issue we have left is marital debt plus his delusional dream that I will pay alimony (we both make very little and I have full custody) and pay his legal fees when I can't even afford my own lawyer and have proof that I have tried to settle about fifteen times -- directly,through lawyers, an offer sent through a friend, an offer sent to his friend who paid his legal fees, an offer sent from a potential business partner of mine). So I figure, I am ready to just let the judge decide on those things and I am not going to waste any money on a lawyer anymore. In fact now I finally get to fight back when his lawyer bullies me. I'm not saying that your sitch is the same but in my case, all that was left was documented financial issues of debt and income. Grace recently asked me how badly I wanted to be done, and what that means is, what loss are you willing to take financially? If everything is documented, don't you think that a judge will grant you at least something close to what is equitable, based on documents alone? Do you have a trial date? I am ready to take a loss to be done. If all that is left for you is finances, I am not sure what you have to lose.

Also I have been doing research on asset dissipation. It's a real thing. You can file a TRO to stop him from dissipating the assets with endless legal fees. You just need a clear and simple solution for closure of the open issues for the judge to see. Even if your TRO doesn't work, you will get that idea into the narrative and show that you just want to be done and it's not you dragging it out.

I feel exactly the same as you. So weary, just want it to end.

Last edited by Gerda; 04/24/20 01:50 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Pax_luv Offline OP
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Thanks Own, as always, for your perspective. I appreciate and value it so much. I think it is just bullying. I think he knows if we go to trial, he’ll be exposed regardless.
It’s challenging for me, because he has this finesse, this way about cornering people. I wish I could explain it, but having lived through it on the sidelines as his wife and then living it now.... it really is something. Like very effective gaslighting in the subtlest of ways.

So he positions himself to appear that he is trying everything to get a settlement out of court and if I don’t comply it’s because I’m the bad guy and I’m the one refusing and dragging this on.

Gerda, wow. I can imagine the courage it takes (and potential risks involved) in going alone and representing yourself. I know your ex was particularly difficult and I’m sorry for all the has occurred.

It’s all just really difficult.


Regarding his email....i haven’t considered replying. Maybe a simple, no would suffice or I could just ignore it??? Not really sure.

My lawyer read it and didn’t have any feedback either way. I think it was because he was also in contact with ex’s lawyer about other things.


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Now I'm not a lawyer, but OwnIt is and she will probably agree with my opinion that less is probably more in any sort of communication.

I listened to a podcast a while ago that said that when in front of a court (where I know you aren't now) to first think about if the question asked can be answered with a simple yes or no and to not volunteer extra information. The example was if asked "do you know what time it is", the answer could be either yes or no depending on if you see a clock laugh Opening your mouth to volunteer more information can first off annoy the judge and secondly will provide ammunition for the other side.

If you feel that a response is required, which you'll want to think hard on that, a simple "I acknowledge receipt of your email dated xxyy" while cold and perhaps confrontational does let him know that you got it and have read it. You could also add "will review with my advisors".

Another piece of advice that I got here I think was to first imagine that any communication you make, especially written could be brought before a judge as evidence.


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Yes, Andrew is right on all points there.

There are generally four acceptable answers (unless being put to you by your own lawyer at a depo or in a trial based on a previous understanding of what the responses are, because a good lawyer never asks a question they don't know the answer to).

The acceptable answers (and again truthfulness is required, while helpfulness is not):

1. Yes
2. No
3. I don't know
4. I can't recall

The difference between 3 and 4 being that you may have known at one time, but you no longer do. If a follow up or further explanation is needed, your lawyer will deal with that on redirect, etc. To the other side, you say only what you must.

No need to respond to him and it won't help anything. He wants the drama to continue. Why? Attention, a sense of CONTROL, need for drama. All the same reasons mine pulls this garbage. Remember, they like any attention, good or bad (Terrence Real explains the difference in his book on male depression "I Don't Want to Talk About It"). Yours is not ready for the show to be over and loves to make you suffer. If you haven't, read up on antisocial behavior type.

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Own, now that I am my own lawyer, in communication with H's lawyer, I correct lies and fully explain financial issues, etc. This has moved some things slightly in my direction -- e.g., in phone conference with court (courts are closed) when his L tried to get something absurd to happen -- and also has allowed a paper trail I didn't have before, of a very clear history of offers and clear explanations of financial issues and children's needs. I usually write something way too long and then wait a couple days and slash and burn to make it as short and unemotional as possible. But it's still quite detailed. I am also trying to make it very clear how pointless it will be to go to trial since there is nothing to uncover or catch me in. The idea of trial is based on H's delusions, not the reality of bank accounts and living breathing children.

So I wonder if you can clarify your legal tip there-- are you just talking about in court? My lawyers tended to say almost nothing in reply to communications as a strategy but it really only allowed 18 months of lie building by H and his monster-on-a-chain lawyer, which deeply influenced the court, and for my kids' needs to drift off any radar.

Last edited by Gerda; 04/25/20 03:44 PM.

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Gerda, I was responding to Andrew about the way you answer questions in these scenarios.

Your situation and Pax's are very different. She has an attorney and he's being a bully by contacting her and making threats. Best to ignore.

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Pax_luv Offline OP
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It’s really tough. I do so much better when he’s silent.
After his initial email, I replied to let him know that I forwarded it to my attorney. Got an aggressive response back which I ignored as it did not require acknowledgment.
Then the next day, I got a more level headed email. He is not wavering in his approach, but his response was more level headed.

I can’t get into it anymore that that, but it’s so mentally and emotionally draining. He’a so adamant that he is doing the right thing by me.
And that triggers me, big time. It’s that reminder that I was nothing but a disposable accessory to him. And that’s where it hits the hardest. While I’m over him and the marriage, there’s still that underlying pain of having gone through all that.


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Pax, I can't say I know anything about lawyers, but I will say, you are not a disposable accessory. Please don't say that even here. If we say it, then some part of us believes it. I know how much this hurt you. I know as I am going through it now. But you were his WIFE and you are still loved and valuable. Even if he doesn't show it or see it, you must know it.

If not, I dare you to go to the mirror, look in your own eyes and tell yourself- I LOVE YOU. YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE WORTHY. YOU ARE EVERYTHING. I WILL NEVER ABANDON YOU.

Please keep saying it. If all we have, ever, is ourselves... then let's be our own best friend. Our own cheerleader. Our own lover. Our own world. No one can make us an accessory or anything else. We-- YOU-- are more than that.

Always were... always will be.

Blessings


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Fate whispers to the warrior, "You can not withstand the storm" And the warrior whispers back, "I am the storm." ~Unknown
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