Thank you for that Rushton. However, I have to disagree with you, I am not seeing a lot here that was anti-DBing! It seems you DB'd pretty darn well. The whole point of DBing is to get the LBS to move on without their WAS. SOMETIMES (as in both of our cases) it has the side-effect of making the WAS reconsider. That you had given up and were ready to move forward with the D is the EPITOME of DBing. We caution people not to use it as a ploy, because that usually backfires. But when you do really move on, accept the divorce and that your MR is over, and your actions are consistent with that, then it can make the WAS go "what the heck am I doing here."
Originally Posted by Rushton
There are no hard and fast rules. Talk to friends and family if you need to, as I did in my case. In my own personal view, I don't like the idea of a married couple trying to deal with all of this on their own, and keeping it all "private" ... that's unnatural, and it's not how we evolved as people or how our human societies evolved. Sometimes, we do need the wisdom and love and advice of family and friends. Our extended family, specifically my parents, did, in the end, help us reconcile. And I'm thankful for that.
You seem to think this is a huge part of DBing. It is not. Many DBers here let their friends and family in on what is going on and still DB very well. I advise against telling others, at least until you are ready to truly move on with D, because it can be difficult for a WAS to face all of the people that now know in order to reconcile. Your story and tale of reconciliation is very similar to mine, except NOBODY around us knew anything, and still do not to this day. But I knew in my situation, that once my friends and family knew about our problems, and knew that my W wasn't innocent in everything, that it would have been a bridge to far for her to come back at that point. So as you say, everyone's situation is different. No question about it. I too had hurt my W deeply. Over and over again. But she had gone about dealing with that all wrong by looking to other men, even just emotionally, to deal with it. If I had outed her to our congregation, my family, her family, and our friends, I do not think we'd be together today.
Overall, I love your story. The fact that your W saw Retrouville as a last chance is not surprising. She was flirting with D before you pushed D. When you pushed D it made her have to come to a decision: do I really want D or do I want to give this MR one last chance? She saw the latter as the better of the two paths, but still wasn't quite all in. One of the things my W said to me once we had fully reconciled (and had eluded to it during our sitch) was she never really knew what she wanted the whole time. One minute she thought she wanted A but then a few minutes later she wanted B. Your W was probably dealing with the same struggle.
Thanks for posting this! So many LBSs here get discouraged about the number of sitches that end in D. I've said in the past that many of the posters that come and go could have saved their MR but until they come back and post it we never know that. Thanks for sharing your story!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I just read through your sitch. Glad to hear you and your W avoided divorce, and thanks for coming back a year later to post a follow-up. It would be great if you could return periodically to keep us updated on any successes, difficulties and lessons learned as you two work on reconciling.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
If you would-- I'd be super interested to hear more about your thought processes around deciding to end your own affair, detangling yourself from the OW, etc. I know you came to this board as an LBS but we don't get many WHs around here and your perspective on that side would be really interesting.
Really happy for you and thanks for coming back to share!
Best,
May
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I was stunned. It was only when I had basically lost all hope, and reluctantly brought myself right to the point where I was going to file for divorce on Monday, that this good news hit me.
I'm glad to hear a happy ending that involved staying married! Congratz.
Update: Still married, still doing well 3 years after the "near divorce experience" that we went through as described above in this thread. (I did not post around Christmas 2022 and Christmas 2023 as I had planned because I couldn't remember my login details!)
Now that I'm back on the boards I'll think about whether there's any useful insights I can share. Or I'd be happy to answer any questions if doing so can help others. But for now, just wanted to post an update that we are still together and doing well.
I didn't know your story until your thread was revived, but congratulations!
You handled this as well as anyone in your situation could.
I admit that it's still a mystery to me why some like your W have a sudden epiphany while others never do. Realizing that perhaps the person they fell in love with is still in there, even if they appeared hidden, and if given the chance, that person can re-emerge.
Me 59 W 47 T 26 M 23 S18, S14 BD May 2023 D filed June 2023 OM1 confirmed: December 2023 OM2 confirmed: October 2023
I didn't know your story until your thread was revived, but congratulations!
You handled this as well as anyone in your situation could.
I admit that it's still a mystery to me why some like your W have a sudden epiphany while others never do. Realizing that perhaps the person they fell in love with is still in there, even if they appeared hidden, and if given the chance, that person can re-emerge.
Yeah I don't know either. In terms of practical reasons, I do think that a big part of what slowed her down long enough to have had a change of heart was her getting cold feet about the financial situation---it's easier to let your anger guide you toward divorce if you hold onto the fantasy that your lifestyle will somehow magically remain the same.
And then, according to her, she did have what she interpreted as some sort of divine message. The details are a little fuzzy to me, as she mentioned it only once and did not dwell on it, but apparently the morning that we were going to have our big early morning discussion about the outlines of a divorce, something did happen that made her think that someone or something was trying to tell her to stay. Obviously, she must have still been genuinely struggling with her decision at that point, however, to have been open to such a message.
I think I read some of your story in your thread but I'll have to go back to read it and check. I may comment there.
