Need advice on mlc spouse

[LITB]

Hi R,

The advice that job gave you, is exceptional. I am in complete agreement. It would be a good idea to re-read it a few times.

You are getting your footing. I know when you're in the midst of it, it can be difficult to see progress. One moment at a time.

Going through this is extremely hard, however you will overcome this situation. I have found that the most difficult times that I have encountered, helped produce the most growth. As you have probably read on here, you have been given the gift of time. Make the most of it. You can't go wrong by investing in self-improvement.

[Rdav2107]

Thanks LITB. I did eventually apologize because it did weigh heavy on me to say what I said. I got no response. He did text me to tell me he was dropping off a scooter for my son since he promised he would buy him one. He knew we weren't home so he just propped it over the fence. I told him via text that I was willing to try the visitation he proposed but we needed to iron out the details and agree. He hasn't responded at all. I kind of feel like since I'm agreeing, he will now need to actually go through with it so that's why he's not responding.

I feel like I did the right thing and the ball is in his court now to see his kids or not.

[LITB]

Hey R,

Glad to see you post. I was wondering how you were doing.

It was nice of you to apologize. I'd definitely suggest keeping your expectations at 0 with him. Otherwise you will continuously come away disappointed.

You have offered him an avenue to spend time with your children. The ball is in his court. It is up to him to have a relationship with them. It can't be your job to cover his responsibilities. Just my .02 cents.

How's everything else? How are you children doing? Any specific goals you have been working on? Or GAL activities?

[Rdav2107]

Hi LITB! You're right it's not my job to cover his responsibilities. I'm just going to let him be.

For the most part, everything is okay. My daughter said she will reach out to him because she needs help with something (money) and hopes he will respond. She also told me this weekend how sad it is that he doesn't care to see them or know what's going on in their lives. She said she wants to give him an ultimatum to leave the OW and rebuild their relationship with each other. She said she feels like if he wasn't so distracted that he would treat them differently. I told her, if she does so, she needs to prepare that he might reject it. My son is still attending therapy which is great. The therapist (although limited) could only tell me he spoke to my H and really reiterated the need for him to make the children a priority. So we will see if he does or doesn't.

I've been reading a lot and turning towards God to guide me. I prayed a lot this weekend and asked God to guide me. I had vivid dreams of my H and us being happy again but it could be just wishful thinking. I have plans with friends this weekend so I hope it gets my mind off of everything.

[LITB]

Good idea to let him be.

You were right to warn your daughter, that it might not go as she hopes. His behavioral patterns don't point in that direction. On a positive note, I'm glad your son is continuing his therapy. Hopefully it will give him a skill set to be able to navigate through challenging waters.

Keep being their rock. That's what they need you to be.

I'm happy to hear that you are seeking God for guidance. I did too, and a lot of times I tried to do the driving. It usually didn't go the way I wanted, when I wouldn't surrender and listen. Anyway, we are here to encourage you.

When I was in the midst of my sitch, one of my favorite scriptures was Romans 5:1-5 and one of my favorite songs was Rise by Shawn McDonald. A new song that is fitting, is You Say by Lauren Daigle. You might already be familiar with it.

I do like that you have plans with friends this weekend. A lot more of that is good for the soul. It is important to fill your calendar with things to do. If weather permits where you live, go for a walk. Go to a park to feed the ducks. Find things to do with your kids. Maybe you already are.

Right now, this is about you. You have been blessed with the gift of time. It is up to you to determine what you are going to do with it. You cannot go wrong with investing in yourself and in your growth.

[Rdav2107]

Thank you LITB. I appreciate all your advice. I've been just keeping my mind busy so far this week. I found out my H has been emailing my son, nothing bad, but just being sneaky about it. Since it isn't bad, I'm not going to mention it. My daughter and my H have been texting a little bit but just simple conversations which I'm happy about. At least they're communicating. He hasn't contacted me since he's probably still upset with me.

For the most part, everything has been okay. I'm keeping my space and he's keeping his.

[LITB]

Hi R,

Have you read Divorce Remedy yet and the advice in the Welcome Post from job? If you haven't read DR, I'd highly recommend getting yourself a copy.

Glad to hear that there is communication between your H and your children. Take that as a small victory. Especially since you're not facilitating it.

[Rdav2107]

Thanks LITB. I'm hoping it will continue, my daughter still wants to talk to her dad and give her demands but she hasn't. I told her she will be ready when she's ready.

I haven't talked to my H for 5 days which is a small step for me, just have to keep it up. I just always feel like when I don't hear from him, he's falling deeper "in love" with the OW. I hate that he lives with her and is setting up home with her. Kills me but I need to be strong.

[LITB]

Thanks LITB. I'm hoping it will continue, my daughter still wants to talk to her dad and give her demands but she hasn't. I told her she will be ready when she's ready.

I haven't talked to my H for 5 days which is a small step for me, just have to keep it up. I just always feel like when I don't hear from him, he's falling deeper "in love" with the OW. I hate that he lives with her and is setting up home with her. Kills me but I need to be strong.

You are providing your daughter with good advice. You are right, she will know when she is ready.

You are doing great. One day at a time. That's your fear making you think the worst. I think we are wired to automatically think the worst. Anyway, your H is living outside of his MR and his issues are portable. Eventually the wheels will come off and reality will set in.

In the meantime, keep working to limit your time and energy on him. Every minute spent thinking about him, is a minute lost that could have been better utilized on yourself. It takes time, effort and a lot of practice.

Do you journal? Make small attainable goals and build on them.

I was looking for the picnic analogy for you, but I found this advice from uRworthy that I think you will find to be helpful.

Stickied Thread: You will not die

Hello all. I am an old timer....11 years post bomb drop. Man, how did that happen?LOL!

I haven't posted in a while and I am not sure what prompted me to post today, but here goes.

You will not die. That's the truth of it. I thought I would. I really did. I did not think I would survive it. For a lot of reasons.

But i did. Mostly because of the generous, loving people I met here, my wonderful therapist and my son. But also because of me. The work I did. The strength I found.

I came kicking and screaming into DB. I could not get it for the longest time. It made no sense to me. Detach?? Let him go?? Find me? What??? My marriage was ending. The life I knew was gone. How could doing all of that help?

So, I kept making excuses. I kept fighting the idea of all of this.

Until one day....I didn't.

And that is when I had to roll up my sleeves and do the work.

It isn't easy this. I had set backs and I ran into my hole. The people here...my people... wouldn't let me do that for long. They challenged me and consoled me and pushed me. Held me up when I couldn't do it myself. It was a long journey...mainly because of my stubbornness...Be quiet, Mach. .

I can promise you this: Once you decide and I mean really decide to let go....your life begins anew.

You see, they cant move through their stuff, while you are hanging onto their pant legs. And you cant move through yours either. How can you see forward when they are in the way? You way down there? They are running towards a life they think they want while you are weighing them down.

The only way to do this...is to leave them to do their thing. And it will be ok. You will be
growing and changing and becoming who you were always meant to be.

Leave them to their journey. You walk yours.

You wont die from this. You will be reborn.

[Rdav2107]

@LITB Thanks for the info. I started reading the different posts.

I had a little slip up yesterday. I text my H to ask again if he would like to discuss a visitation arrangement with the kids. He said no because it never works out. I told him I thought about it and we can make his proposed arrangement work but we would need to discuss. He said he doesn't want to do anything that involved me, which I'm fine with. I told him for the sake of the children we should try and get a lot. He told me he doesn't want to do any shared birthday, holidays, dinners, etc. He said he wants to be involved with the kids but hates that he has to deal with me. He says I gloat at the fact that I have the kids (which I've never) and that he wants to see his kids but doesn't because he doesn't want to deal with me. So I told him I was sorry he felt that way. He then goes on about for me to save my sorry and I kinda slipped and started telling him how my life was changed but for the better. He said he doesn't care. I told him we should try and get a along to communicate for the kids and he said not really. He said he wants to keep it business and for me to not share my opinions, judgements or life lessons. Which I didn't realize I was doing.


So I'm just going to stop texting him. We were actually making some sort of progress towards a foundation for him to see the kids but after our convo last week when I told him the possibility of another man being in my life. Since then he's gotten so mean and nasty towards me which I don't understand. How can he be mad at that when he's living with the affair partner. Shouldn't I be mad?

Also, he went to my house the other day to drop off money to my daughter. She said she didn't even recognize him. He cut his hair really short and dyed his beard. He was growing his hair for awhile and would always make fun of men who dyed their hair/beards. He always loved his little grays since they made him "look distinguished."


This is by far the hardest thing to do. I miss my old husband but he hates me. I hate that I'm going to miss his 40th birthday next month. I try to refocus but it's all I think about.