May, that's a good idea. I can take the kids Xmas shopping or to the library some of these nights. Might be good for all of us. Before BD, I often tried to get W out of the house to give her time and space from full time mom duties but she'd rarely take it and I'd get little 1-1 time with the kids. She still has a push present (trip away from home) from after having our first child she has yet to use! This'll get me some much desired 1-2 time with the kids.
We barely talk whatsoever and distance ourselves most nights at home. I'm not sure how we are supposed to even be "friends" or coparents if she will talk about almost nothing, hide her plans with the kids and talk solely about the kids if we do talk. Almost like she is reading all the DB rules. Anyone else deal with this? My D4 talks to me more in a night than my W has in a month. She's GALing and picking up old hobbies. Starting to seem more and more like an early MLC. If this is a WW/WAS/MLC, the actions for the LBS are still the same, correct? Follow the rules, 180, GAL, read about attraction etc.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Steve is correct. You would do the exact same things that you would for someone in MLC, i.e., give them space and time and keep the focus on you and your children. Be sure to watch your finances, i.e., bank accounts and credit cards.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I've been reading more about attraction, how it all connects in some of our situations. As I redevelop these qualities, I'm not sure how to use them.
Confidence - my W will only talk to me about the kids. She doesn't see me out and about being confident. Per DB rules, I'm supposed to not initiate chats. That leaves me with what ways to show confidence other than posture and body language around the kids?
Assertiveness - same as above.
Integrity - she knows I have this in spades
Flirting - if she hates me and I'm not supposed to pursue, how am I supposed to flirt or compliment?
Sense of humour - My heart is broken, my soul and lifeforce sucked up in one of those things ghost busters capture spirits in. I'm mostly a shell filled with a deep sadness. Not sure how to be funny and think quick.
Witty, intelligence - if we don't talk, she won't know.
Strength - I've my new strength gains and am cut again but its not like I can walk around without a shirt on, or pick her up without her feeling uncomfortable. If she's not my wife in spirit technically her and and I may perceive any kind of touch as harassment.
Leadership - I left my work role in which I was a leader and had power. Family leadership is talked about but I dont understand without examples. What are examples of leading a family?
At this point, all I feel I can do and I've done is have an open posture, kill off my anxiety vibes, exercise in our main room and use kids as weights. She watched me one time. Talk to the kids with humour, assertiveness and confidence. Help D4 with her confiedence. This woman has always been hard to talk to even when we were friends. Do I break the DB rule and take the lead on talking?
Last edited by Core; 12/14/1901:03 PM.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Have the confidence that you'll get through this and come out stronger on the other side...whatever side that is. If you have confidence in yourself and your ability to handle life's curveballs you will react differently to certain things and people will notice. If your posture, body language, tone of voice, language are improving around the kids she will notice.
Flirting - you don't have to flirt with your wife just yet. Flirt a little with strangers - over time it will help build confidence too.
Sense of humour - even in the worst times people have the ability to laugh. Again, just be yourself you don't have to reinvent yourself into Dave Chapelle. Just try and find the humour in the little things each day.
Strength - this isn't just physical strength. Show that you are emotionally strong...learn how to deal with stress, become more resilient.
Leadership - taking care of things that need to be taken care of. It's not about having power necessarily, Just take the lead in things you may not have done before.
NO NO NO - you don't take the lead on talking. Let the cat come to you.
Lastly - I'm past the year mark in my situation and things only got better within the last month. I'm patient my nature but never experienced anything like this before. And you know what, better just means I see changes in her coming back to herself and our interactions are way more pleasant. It doesn't mean we are going to get back together...I don't know what will happen but either way I'll be ok.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
First I want to say I am really sorry you're going through this right now.
I know it's early on for you but you have to start to understand that these changes are for you for future relationships. Now a future relationship could be with your ex just likely not now.
You could turn into James Dean or James Bond overnight and it likely wouldn't matter.
Also, just so you are aware that is not the strength you are reading about. The strength you are reading about is the important strength. It is the ability to let go of someone you love. It is the ability to walk away from someone who is unfaithful to you. It is the ability to be a rock for your children in these tough times. It is the ability to say I love and value myself enough to let someone treat me this way.
Chin up my man I know this is really hard. I remember I couldn't handle watching Christmas commercials because they were all ridiculously family oriented.
You will lead a normal life again no matter what happens.
Jac and LH, thanks for the input! I've read up a bit on both your sitchs, just amazing how much can be similar in all of these WW WAS occurrences.
My W like many others here is facing demons of her past and I seem to take the blame or brunt of it. Demons never faced through counseling. As is stands for now, she actually seems happy. She's been upbeat, playing with the kids more, getting more done around the house and getting out more. Happy cause our M is over, happy cause she faced her past or happy cause of OM, who knows. Just repeating to myself here that, that doesnt matter at this point but its better than the cold tension of the first 1.5 months.
What does bother me and where I'm still struggling is cake eating. Today we talked about S1s, 1st bday. I didnt want to invite some of her friends H's over whom are siding with the D. She thought it was weird I didnt want them over. These same people have stopped inviting me out...why would I want them around.... I Didn't say that though. I felt we'd get in to an R talk. So were going to have a normal bday, for S1. Also, she twice brought up things to do after xmas in our house for the kids. We both seem stubborn as F. Neither one of us wants to be the one to leave the house. Still no new talks on mediation. I think I said it before and similar to Chaz's sitch, I dont want to end up as friends or roommates. After several days thinking of my sitch, I'm no closer on how to proceed with limbo. Live in the same house for how long here? If she really did stop talking to OM then is it really cake eating or is it in my favor? It's in my kids favor for the time being but I wonder in the long run if one of us were removed from the house, if it would be a wake up call. Either way financially and logistically, neither of us can really be removed from the house.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Also to add, I don't want to boot either of us out of the house, nor do I want to send any kind of message, I just want a healthy marriage with TWO parties.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I did a thorough financial forecast including alimony, child support and CHEAP daycare which likely isn't possible here. Looking at $-19k per year for me if we D. Not sure how one is supposed to live.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I've been reading more about attraction, how it all connects in some of our situations. As I redevelop these qualities, I'm not sure how to use them.
Confidence - my W will only talk to me about the kids. She doesn't see me out and about being confident. Per DB rules, I'm supposed to not initiate chats. That leaves me with what ways to show confidence other than posture and body language around the kids?
Assertiveness - same as above.
Integrity - she knows I have this in spades
Flirting - if she hates me and I'm not supposed to pursue, how am I supposed to flirt or compliment?
Sense of humour - My heart is broken, my soul and lifeforce sucked up in one of those things ghost busters capture spirits in. I'm mostly a shell filled with a deep sadness. Not sure how to be funny and think quick.
Witty, intelligence - if we don't talk, she won't know.
Strength - I've my new strength gains and am cut again but its not like I can walk around without a shirt on, or pick her up without her feeling uncomfortable. If she's not my wife in spirit technically her and and I may perceive any kind of touch as harassment.
Leadership - I left my work role in which I was a leader and had power. Family leadership is talked about but I dont understand without examples. What are examples of leading a family?
At this point, all I feel I can do and I've done is have an open posture, kill off my anxiety vibes, exercise in our main room and use kids as weights. She watched me one time. Talk to the kids with humour, assertiveness and confidence. Help D4 with her confiedence. This woman has always been hard to talk to even when we were friends. Do I break the DB rule and take the lead on talking?
Another anti-D expert I studied during my sitch put it like this:
Become the best you that you can be for you! And then when you get opportunities, you show it to her. NOTICE: When you get opportunities. IE don't go looking to create opportunities! All of us that have been through it can tell you for a fact that if you try to create opportunities then you will get your grapes squashed. Almost every single time.
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Sense of humour - My heart is broken, my soul and lifeforce sucked up in one of those things ghost busters capture spirits in. I'm mostly a shell filled with a deep sadness. Not sure how to be funny and think quick.
The answer to this one is going to sound counter-intuitive, and it is....just like most of the advice in DBing. But the answer to this one is DO NOT LOSE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR. Back in the 80s a group of psychologist did and experiment. They took people that were sad and depressed, and had them force themselves to smile. Guess what, what they found is that when you do that you move muscles in your face that you only use when you are happy, and it triggered endorphins to be released in the brain and people felt happier. You see Sense of humor, and you think "I am too said to be humorous". In reality it is exactly because you are sad that you should be humorous!!!
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At this point, all I feel I can do and I've done is have an open posture, kill off my anxiety vibes, exercise in our main room and use kids as weights. She watched me one time. Talk to the kids with humour, assertiveness and confidence. Help D4 with her confiedence. This woman has always been hard to talk to even when we were friends. Do I break the DB rule and take the lead on talking?
DId you see what I said above? About getting your grapes crushed? Trust me, the reason we say not to initiate conversation especially R talks is because it almost always goes poorly. It almost always does more harm than good. Again, this is the illusion of action. However, doing nothing is the right thing to do!!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
