My post wasn´t to point fingers at you. I was mentioning my situation and that I regret not following the advice, ALL the advice from vets here. And from the many pages I have read that seems to be the case a majority of the times. So I´m certainly not jumping at you and claiming you´re saying don´t follow the rules. I would agree Core and anyone else here should be careful following any advice.
Perhaps I´m misunderstanding you but for me, DB has changed everything. I wouldn´t trade who I am today because of it for anything. And I´m still only 10 months in to my sitch.
Me: 38 Stbxw: 35 No kids Mini bd: February 6, 2019 ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019 Told her to move out: September 8, 2019 W moved out: September 28, 2019 Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
A lot of our situations have similar patterns and can be considered similar, but no situation is exactly the same. What works tremendously well for one LBS may have the opposite negative effect for someone else’s sitch.
It all returns to doing what works. Implementing a change in behavior and then observing the outcome of these changes. If something is not working and is having negative repercussions stop doing it.
There are lots of people with years of experience giving great advice. But you are the one dealing with your sitch and you are the one seeing the changes and interactions, so a lot of the time it is up to you to gauge how your behavior is working. If met with positive response, keep it up. If met with a negative response. Stop.
DR should be your foundation and I have found that the phone consultations with a coach have been extremely helpful for me to figure out my own thoughts and actions, while at the same time, seeing things from a different light from the help of my coach.
GAL, 180ing on bad behavior, and being healthy and lovingly detached ALWAYS works. It may not save your marriage, but you will be better after DBing. And setup for success in your next R.
Last edited by Steve85; 12/12/1901:16 AM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
This got popular fast, thank you all for the input and support. Mario, I appreciate you signing back up and giving feedback on doing things differently. Gekko, your post is very helpful, reading many rules backwards, I can see the desperation in many. Though some seem like they could work. Job, Steve, Ben, others and lurkers out there, thank you for rooting for us.
My sitch, I KNOW we would achieve happiness together if we made it. Not think, not hope, but I know. Similar to Mario's, we would get stronger through a dark time. She dealt with my sickness, I need to deal with hers. In my anxiety, she took in anger, words that weren't true and subsequent suffering. With her current WW/WAS ways, the same is happening to me now. She dealt with my anxiety for about 3 years!
Detaching is tough but I'm nearly there. D4 has been giving hints that something is going on ("we weren't home all day, im not sure where we went", her dolls yesterday told each other "I just dont love you anymore").
Sad. Whats killing me today is the double standard. With D4, S1, if I were to tell my W to leave and stay somewhere else all while I had an EA with another woman, society, her family and mine would destroy me. Here we are, her mother, sister proven to support her and I suspect others as well, besides OM of course. As a dude with NGS of course I'll say I'm a good dude but I'm really not bad. Hard to believe over the internet but I didnt do much. My close confidant explains it as getting the death sentence for jaywalking.
Vent over, I know where I am to blame, I know I'm not responsible for her actions. Im sad at societies morals and for all you in similar sitchs.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
My sitch, I KNOW we would achieve happiness together if we made it. Not think, not hope, but I know. Similar to Mario's, we would get stronger through a dark time. She dealt with my sickness, I need to deal with hers. In my anxiety, she took in anger, words that weren't true and subsequent suffering. With her current WW/WAS ways, the same is happening to me now. She dealt with my anxiety for about 3 years!.
The problem here is you NEVER know. Many of us have been through this multiple times. The issue is not a matter of you KNOWING you would be happy staying with her, it is that you can't KNOW that she would and will be staying with you. This is where not having control over another person's happiness comes into play. Individuals have to find happiness internally. So you two could R, you could be the perfect H, and she could still be unhappy and want out again at some point down the road.
I see you trying to control things you cannot. Society. Her family. Her. Even though you say you know you can't control her, by saying you KNOW she would be happy if you stay together IS about you thinking you can control her happiness. You cannot. You get control over one person.......that is you.
Not sure if anyone has told you to buckle in for a long ride. You aren't even 3 months in yet, most sitches take many times more your current time-frame to resolve. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
And one last thing: You cannot nice her back to the MR.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Mine journey took a long time. I was a year in and I thought we were moving along and I found out that my wife was still working through things. People think that if your wife takes divorce off the table that means that she's committed to the marriage. Nope, it doesn't work like that. The process for me was first she had an awakening or what ever and decided that she didn't want to divorce. But then she was in a holding pattern. It did take the pressure off, but it also made me more anxious and wanted to move things along. But we had to move a her speed. I had to be okay with that.
Now many spouses in our situations aren't okay with that and they become the WAS. Only you know the answer to this
I'm glad that you "know" it, but she doesn't not right now.
You are struggling with the counter-intuitive nature of the advice you are getting here. I get it. But the reason the vets' advice carries so much weight is that they have seen so many sitches over the years and the same scenarios play out in similar fashion over and over and over. There are exceptions to every rule but the odds are stacked heavily against you that you have an exceptional sitch. You have been referred to Sandi's Rules. You can follow them, or you can do the opposite if you like. Here are the Anti-Sandi's Rules:
That was an awesome read Gekko, I laughed my tail off at the Anti-Sandi's Rules It was funny because so many LBS's (me too) engaged in exactly that early on!
Mario, if you see this, I'd love to hear more about your sitch, what it was, how you got through it.
Steve, I dont think I wanted to face it but you're right, my sitch is not looking like one of the short term ones. I held out hope, the one in my extended families past was quick and there were no threats of divorce, just the EA. Please keep calling me out on my control when you see it. I'm recognizing it more often the more I hear it.
Tonight for the first time since having kids, W has taken them out at night without letting me know they are going out, where and when they'll be back. My pursuit days ago does seem to have pushed further. Not sure if I'll see them tonight. Guess its time to get used to this. I went to counseling and took the rest of the night to relax and watch a movie. Didnt help as it was full of plenty of loss, plenty of W's caring for and loving their H's. Mine wants me out of the tribe and all wants all my resources or so I was told. She's doing little things around the house for me but I think now its out of guilt. Whatever it is, I cant control it, dont need to over think it and its definitely not a sign of reconciling. I hope not but it seems I'm on course for the big D, nothing slowing it down except the panther waiting to pounce at the perfect time to get its kill. I dont know why she hasn't scheduled mediation. I miss my kids. All this GALing is taking away so much bonding time. I'm likely to lose 50 percent of their time as it is, hard to sacrifice the little left now as a complete family.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Tonight for the first time since having kids, W has taken them out at night without letting me know they are going out, where and when they'll be back. My pursuit days ago does seem to have pushed further. Not sure if I'll see them tonight. Guess its time to get used to this. I went to counseling and took the rest of the night to relax and watch a movie. Didnt help as it was full of plenty of loss, plenty of W's caring for and loving their H's. Mine wants me out of the tribe and all wants all my resources or so I was told. She's doing little things around the house for me but I think now its out of guilt. Whatever it is, I cant control it, dont need to over think it and its definitely not a sign of reconciling. I hope not but it seems I'm on course for the big D, nothing slowing it down except the panther waiting to pounce at the perfect time to get its kill. I dont know why she hasn't scheduled mediation. I miss my kids. All this GALing is taking away so much bonding time. I'm likely to lose 50 percent of their time as it is, hard to sacrifice the little left now as a complete family.
Hi Core, I know 100% where you are coming from about the little time left as a complete family. I'm having the hardest time with the holidays.
Can you GAL with the kids? I started making more plans just me and the kids (H is welcome to join and he does quite a bit) but I am trying to be more intentional about planning fun things rather than just coming home at the end of the day and going through the homework/dinner/sleep routine, or waking up on the weekend and playing it by ear. I also have developed some new rituals with both my girls and been reading together, doing crafts, etc more-- not just sitting around but having fun and trying to be present 100%. Keep your focus on them without worrying about their mom.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
I have located a Mario23 in our User List dating back to around 2011. If this is you, I will be happy to bump up your last thread so that others can read your thread.
Core, sorry for the hijack.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
That was an awesome read Gekko, I laughed my tail off at the Anti-Sandi's Rules 
It was funny because so many LBS's (me too) engaged in exactly that early on!