I'm going to give you a spoiler on the DB'ing process. For some this comes sooner than it comes for others, but when you first being DB'ing you have in the back of your mind that you're doing these things to focus on yourself and become the best person you can be to lead your WAS back home. The whole lighthouse and keeping the road home smooth analogy.
What eventually happens though is you will find yourself and the person you truly want to be and you will discover that you don't really want your WAS back much anymore. For me it has taken a few months but I'm to the point that I am like.. if someone can treat me this terribly and walk completely out of my life like it means nothing to them, then 1) they're much more likely to do it in the future and 2) I don't deserve to have someone treat me like this... There are so many other great people in the world that would never treat us this way.
This week I have already been saying this - I am not sure I will really want my WAH back if he ever comes back. Everyone keeps saying that WAHs and MLCers sometimes come back then leave again. It has only been 1 month post-DB. Is it unusual for me to already be feeling this way? I am so conflicted and confused on this emotional roller coaster ride.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
This week I have already been saying this - I am not sure I will really want my WAH back if he ever comes back. Everyone keeps saying that WAHs and MLCers sometimes come back then leave again. It has only been 1 month post-DB. Is it unusual for me to already be feeling this way? I am so conflicted and confused on this emotional roller coaster ride.
Nope.. I would say you're right on track with the timeline we see on these boards. Honestly the sooner that you begin to feel that way, the better, because it shows that you're beginning to see your own self-worth. The sooner that you realize that they're gone and your goal should not be to win them back but for them to win YOU back because they're the ones that left the marriage... the greater your chances of earning the WAS's respect again. You don't want them to come back and you take them in with open arms because nothing would've been accomplished in that scenario other than the WAS proving that they can treat you however they want and you'll just take them right back..
Again.. No respect. And they'll probably leave at some point in the future. But if they truly have to FIGHT to come back into your life not only with words, but actions.. That's when/how their respect for you is rebuilt. Do not be a doormat.
Nope.. I would say you're right on track with the timeline we see on these boards. Honestly the sooner that you begin to feel that way, the better, because it shows that you're beginning to see your own self-worth. The sooner that you realize that they're gone and your goal should not be to win them back but for them to win YOU back because they're the ones that left the marriage... the greater your chances of earning the WAS's respect again. You don't want them to come back and you take them in with open arms because nothing would've been accomplished in that scenario other than the WAS proving that they can treat you however they want and you'll just take them right back..
Again.. No respect. And they'll probably leave at some point in the future. But if they truly have to FIGHT to come back into your life not only with words, but actions.. That's when/how their respect for you is rebuilt. Do not be a doormat.
Thanks so much. When I went to talk to a counselor, she also reminded me that I am not a doormat. I appreciate you pointing out for me that my GALing, 180ing, etc. is not to win him back. It is for me. And he should have to win ME back if he ever snaps out of his crisis mode. It is all just so unbelievable!
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Those of you who have been strong enough to stand for years amaze me! Perhaps I will gain that type of strength over time but, right now, just 1 month post-BD, I just want to run away and never see this "alien" again. Unfortunately, we have 2 children so I will have to deal with him, whether he snaps back into reality or not, for the rest of my life perhaps. OMG!!!!!!!!!!!
Well my handle may make it sound like I'm still standing but I moved on long ago. I leave my handle the same so people know it's still me (it always confuses the heck out of me when people change their handles).
Job really nailed it, you don't know if your spouse is going to return to their old self, or partially their old self, or remain an alien. It's up to each of us how long we stand. For me it was about 2 years, and then I pushed my XW for D (she had drawn up the paperwork months earlier but never filed). I started dating others and settled into a LTR with my current GF, 5 years now.
I used to have thoughts similar to NewLife's- that it would be easier to handle your spouse's death than being BD'd by them. Not that I would wish death on my XW, not at all. But at least with death you know the person is gone for good. You grieve and recover and learn to live with the loss. After BD you don't know what to do. Is the person going to return to normal? Should you wait? Are they gone forever and you should move on? It's very confusing and frustrating, and very painful to go through.
Originally Posted by NewLife3
if someone can treat me this terribly and walk completely out of my life like it means nothing to them, then 1) they're much more likely to do it in the future and 2) I don't deserve to have someone treat me like this... There are so many other great people in the world that would never treat us this way.
This is quite true, but there's also that nagging thought that this may be temporary and that maybe they are going through something akin to being sick and therefore we might feel it's incumbent upon us to wait it out for their sake. I think almost every one of us would agree that our old spouse, the one we married, would NEVER BD us and leave us like this. This act is so out of character for the person we thought we knew. My "real" W would never have left me, she would have fought tooth and nail to make things work. The person she became just simply gave up, kept saying "I don't want to try". So that's a struggle for the LBS to be sure.
When I said my XW has slowly returned to 50% of my old W, she has slowly regained some of her sense of humor and some of her old interests and (apparently) some of her fondness for me. But before, she had a razor-sharp memory and could remember everything about our M in stunning detail. After BD she became very fuzzy and remembered only the bad things as so many WAS's do. Now she seems to remember almost nothing, good or bad. My kids will bring up old events she used to talk about over and over to friends and family and she remembers nothing at all about them, it's really strange. We've settled into a "kinder, gentler" relationship than we had in the months after BD. Not that she was ever mean and angry, but she was very cold and distant and isn't anymore. We do things together with the kids now and then and then we go our separate ways and that works fine for us.
This is quite true, but there's also that nagging thought that this may be temporary and that maybe they are going through something akin to being sick and therefore we might feel it's incumbent upon us to wait it out for their sake. I think almost every one of us would agree that our old spouse, the one we married, would NEVER BD us and leave us like this.
Yes, I definitely alternate between the feelings you describe, HesAble, and what AnotherStander describes here. Six months in, it's harder and harder to imagine ever being able to trust my H again in the future, given how absolutely certain I was before BD he would never treat me this way, which makes me very sad. It doesn't seem right that a love that I felt was solid should so quickly dissolve.
At the same time, when he acts like a teenager, I find myself thinking maybe, maybe he will grow up and out of this phase. In my gut I feel that my H is lost and desperate to stop hurting, and if I was in the same state, I would pray that my H would have faith and some constancy, at least for some time, given how long we've been together.
Which I guess is why it's important to remember that it's a decision I make day by day, to try to keep even a sliver of that faith. And even on days I don't feel that faith, I guess the answer is the same: I keep moving forward, hour by hour. Who knows what the future will bring?
Of course, sometimes those hours are torturous! I'm thinking about your earlier comment, and about the nights when I wake up and hear my H come in at 2 or 3 or 4 a.m., knowing he'll be up at 6 to go to work. I think: teenager! I think: How long can he possibly maintain this lifestyle? I go back to sleep. But sometimes I spend too much time awake, feeling frustrated or angry.
I'm glad you asked this question, because it's helpful to read all of these responses and know we're not alone.
Unfortunately, they don't snap back into normal mode. It will take months, even years, before they will begin the gradual descent back into the real world and that will be approximately 18-24 months and will happen in the exact opposite way that they left this world.
Job, would you mind explaining more of what you mean by "in the exact opposite way that they left this world"? (Or pointing me to another thread that explains this.)
Originally Posted by job
Dig deeper for patience, come here to vent and we will try to help you navigate your walk on the yellow brick road.
Thank you. What would we do without this space and the kind people in it?
I'm thinking about your earlier comment, and about the nights when I wake up and hear my H come in at 2 or 3 or 4 a.m., knowing he'll be up at 6 to go to work. I think: teenager! I think: How long can he possibly maintain this lifestyle? I go back to sleep. But sometimes I spend too much time awake, feeling frustrated or angry.
I'm glad you asked this question, because it's helpful to read all of these responses and know we're not alone.
I wonder the same thing about how on Earth it will be possible for them to maintain the lifestyle of staying out all night and then having to work the next day. My H runs his own business so he has some flexibility but I have seen him come in at 4 am and head back out at 7 am for work. I even asked him, “How can you operate on so little sleep?” He was like, “I dunno.” He was always a night owl though.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
When a person enters MLC, then begin first by distancing themselves from their spouse, kids, pets. home, family, friends and co-workers. They begin to do things that they wouldn't normally have done in the past. When they begin to gradually come back to the real world from the land of Oz, they will begin by reconnecting with their co-workers, friends, family, home, pets, kids and finally you, the spouse. If you are one of the lucky ones that has a spouse wanting to return and he/she comes home, it will take approximately 18-24 months before they finally settled down and feel comfortable in their own skin. When the return home, that will be hardest part of the journey because you both will have changed and will need to remember that this will be a new marriage for both of you. You, the spouse, will need to dig deeper for patience and understanding and allow the MLCer time to come to you and talk about things and you will need to become a very good listener. Neither of you will be the same. MLC changes both of you.
Here's a link that will help you to better understand "reconnection" once they begin to truly wake up.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you, Job! I can only hope I'll get to experience that reverse connection at some point...
HesAble, my H was always a night owl too. Now I'm thinking there's got to be a difference between staying up late watching TV or whatever and his new ritual of going to bars and/or concerts almost every night. It makes me exhausted just thinking about it.
...HesAble, my H was always a night owl too. Now I'm thinking there's got to be a difference between staying up late watching TV or whatever and his new ritual of going to bars and/or concerts almost every night. It makes me exhausted just thinking about it.
I have no idea where my H goes because he never tells me, but I cannot imagine there is any bar, club that stays open until 6 a.m. when he comes in at 7 a.m. and later. Some nights he comes in earlier (e.g., 4 a.m.) but it is just random. I am assuming he is at some OW's home. It really makes me angry thinking about it.
Last edited by HesAble; 12/20/1909:09 PM.
H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9 BD - 11/2019 Married 14 years; Together 20 years
