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#2875425 12/10/19 12:07 AM
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HesAble Offline OP
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I am new. My marriage has suffered through H's infidelity once before and DB phone consultations helped me get through. Even then H would not get counseling.

We have two children - 13 and 9. I admit that for a big part of the marriage I have been putting the kids first. I have felt like a single mom because H does the bare minimum and works until late (generally when he comes home the kids are already in bed).

Well, this fall, H started staying out late ( 3am - 4 am) and not calling or texting. Finally, one night, I blew up and asked if he wanted to be married. The next day he texted me that he did not want to work on our marriage. He thinks we should both move on. He says he will be there for our children.

Since then, he has moved to the basement and now barely speaks to me, stays out all night at tleast twice a week not telling me where he is going. He will not touch me physically and avoid being in the same room with me if possible. He has sent me information on amicable divorces to read.

I still love him and want our marriage to work for our children, but also because I care for him.

Last edited by job; 01/18/20 10:36 PM. Reason: edited the posting just a bit for the poster

H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9
BD - 11/2019
Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
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job Offline
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Welcome to the Forum! I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome posting for you.

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-65, D33,S32


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Welcome and sorry you are here.

First, I am not a fan of the term "exit affair". The majority of the time an affair is a symptom of deeper problems in a marriage. Most of the other cases are a character flaw in the cheating spouse. In the first case, the OP is simply the excuse or catalyst the WAS needed to step out of the MR that they were already unhappy with.

Your husband is wayward. He may or may not be in an A. He may or may not be having a MLC.

The good news is that none of those changes the approach you should take. GAL. 180s. and detach. Please read all of cadet's links. There is gold in the reading there. Have you read DR? Get it and read it.

Remember, you cannot control him. It only takes one spouse to end a marriage. So the only thing you have control over is you.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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HesAble Offline OP
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I am trying to GAL and detach. I think I am doing a pretty good job at detachment, but yesterday and today I have felt so down. Today I just want to lay around and sulk.

Last night he spent the night at home. We sleep separately. He seemed a little more comfortable spending time in the same room with me, possibly because of the detachment. I don't know.

I am getting anxious because of the holidays, not knowing what to expect in sharing time with the children. I have no idea what his plans are although I assume they will not include me for sure.

I admit that during our MR, I had become very distant, resentful and angry. I am hoping the detachment does not appear to be like this. I try to be as attractive as possible, available yet stay out of the way, and more "happy" acting.

I read DB a few years ago, but need to read it again.

Thanks so much job for all the links!


H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9
BD - 11/2019
Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 220
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HesAble Offline OP
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For all of you who have successfully detached and waited out your cheating MLC spouse to come around, how do you fight off feelings that you deserve better, are being a doormat, etc.? I have so many emotions. Each day is different.


H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9
BD - 11/2019
Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Joined: Feb 2018
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I too was distant, resentful and angry. I had isolated myself. However, even if that your dynamic pre-BD, the last thing your WAS wants is for you to try to love, be close, and smother them right now. Think about it. For a while pre-BD he hoped that dynamic would change. He finally gave up and NOW you want to fix it? Most WAS rebel against that.

So GAL, 180ing, detaching and giving him time and space is the right approach.

As far as your feelings. You are 100% right to feel you deserve better! And you definitely do not want to be a doormats. Doormats get walked OVER as the WAS walks away. People who stand up for themselves get walked around. Or in some cases the WAS will gain some respect for the LBS and not walk away at all. Being a doormat will get you no where fast.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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Hi Hesable. Welcome aboard. Why do you think your H is having a MLC? Can you give us a bit more information about the MR in past times?

What do you mean by primary breadwinner? A higher salary, more benefit, job security? Does he work on a late shift? Has he had problems keeping a job? Have you always been the one who kept everything running? If he is asked, what is a typical response from him? Sorry for so many questions, but maybe it will help you see what information to give that paints a picture of the marital history.

What are the ages of you and H?

One more...........tell us about the previous affair.

Hope you will post often, Hesable.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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HesAble Offline OP
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We are both in our mid-40s. In the previous affair, DH slept with a coworker multiple times. I discovered it while snooping in his email. He did not want to seek counseling but I had DB consultations individually and was able to work through it alone to save our marriage. He did his part by working to try to regain my trust.

I make the most money, cover the benefits and d pay more of the household bills. I had the down payment for our home. A lot of his income goes to his small business and to student loans. There have been times when he was unable to contribute to the bills in a timely manner but he never discussed this with me. I would have to confront him to ask if he would be able to contribute. I would always just remind him to please let me know ahead of time if he had things come up so I could plan accordingly to pay things on my own like mortgage, power, phone, etc. Now I am realizing that we probably should have downgraded our lifestyle a notch (smaller home) to accommodate his loans, etc.. I also have credit card debt so our financial situation is not ideal which has been another strain on our marriage. We have a great household income but it goes mostly to bills.

I think he is having a MLC because he is acting out of character. He never stayed out all night before, for example. After the BD, he has stayed out several nights until the next day after 10 a.m. He works out like crazy and is obsessed with his appearance. He has lost 50+ pounds and still is trying to lose more. He is so skinny now. He talks about dyeing his hair, whitening his teeth, etc. Also he had a traumatic event this year when his mother passed away which probably got him thinking about how short life is. He started talking about how old we are getting all the time.


H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9
BD - 11/2019
Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 220
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Also in terms of the MR in past times (married 14 years), H used to shower me with affection, flowers, cards. He would call me beautiful. It all seems like it was fake now although maybe he meant it at the time. Just four months ago, he was doing these things.

After the BD, I did all the wrong things. I sent him articles about rough patches in marriage, asked him to consider staying for the kids' sake, pleaded, etc. He says he just needs me to free him. He says he cannot be the husband I deserve. I have told him that he can, that we just need help. After that he began staying out all night as opposed to coming in at 3 am or 4 am. I felt like he was either trying to punish me or trying to push me to agree to a divorce in a very passive aggressive way. Of course I think he is with an OW. The first few times he claimed he was staying at a male friend's house after having drinks. Then he stopped even trying to explain and just asked me to free him. Now I have no idea when he will be going out or coming in. He goes as he pleases.

Last edited by HesAble; 12/12/19 03:22 PM.

H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9
BD - 11/2019
Married 14 years; Together 20 years
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 220
H
HesAble Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 220
One more thing...since the BD, I have discovered that H has entered into some bad business deals that put him in way over his head financially. He is in a "rob Peter to pay Paul" situation that he never discussed with me. I could have helped but I don't want to mention it now.


H and Me - Both 45; S13 and D9
BD - 11/2019
Married 14 years; Together 20 years
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