Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,656
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,656
Steve,

I have been on both side, and they are each difficult in their own way. How long have you been having this uneasy feeling? Has it been ongoing, or did it just begin? Hopefully it will pass with time. No harm, no foul.

I am a big proponent of journaling. I watched a video about a month ago, and it said one of the problems with journaling, is that keeps you focused on the issue(s). I had never considered that, but it seems to slow down the healing process. I wonder if you being proactive on the forums stirs some difficult emotions from when you were in the midst of your sitch. You are a tremendous asset to these forums, but it shouldn't come at the cost of your inner peace.

Just food for thought.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
SteveLW Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Originally Posted by LITB
Steve,

I have been on both side, and they are each difficult in their own way. How long have you been having this uneasy feeling? Has it been ongoing, or did it just begin? Hopefully it will pass with time. No harm, no foul.

I am a big proponent of journaling. I watched a video about a month ago, and it said one of the problems with journaling, is that keeps you focused on the issue(s). I had never considered that, but it seems to slow down the healing process. I wonder if you being proactive on the forums stirs some difficult emotions from when you were in the midst of your sitch. You are a tremendous asset to these forums, but it shouldn't come at the cost of your inner peace.

Just food for thought.


I think that is a good point related to journaling. I journaled extensively during my first sitch back in 2005. I do think the benefits outweigh the problems with it. For instance, being active here helps me stay up on my changes, and reminds me of what can happen if I were to ever backslide.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,656
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,656
Originally Posted by Steve85
I think that is a good point related to journaling. I journaled extensively during my first sitch back in 2005. I do think the benefits outweigh the problems with it. For instance, being active here helps me stay up on my changes, and reminds me of what can happen if I were to ever backslide.

That's a good point. What about the uneasy feeling(s) you are dealing with? Something new? Or something ongoing?

Last edited by LITB; 07/08/20 03:33 PM.

Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
SteveLW Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Originally Posted by LITB
Originally Posted by Steve85
I think that is a good point related to journaling. I journaled extensively during my first sitch back in 2005. I do think the benefits outweigh the problems with it. For instance, being active here helps me stay up on my changes, and reminds me of what can happen if I were to ever backslide.

That's a good point. What about the uneasy feeling(s) you are dealing with? Something new? Or something ongoing?


Oh it is something new. Not that I haven't had it occasionally here and there over the last 2+ years. But to LH's point, I think a lot of that is true about marriage in general.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,656
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,656
I agree with LH. I think if it were something that persisted for a long period of time, then it would be cause for concern.

Your transparency is appreciated.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 1,792
Likes: 1
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 1,792
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by LITB
Steve,

I have been on both side, and they are each difficult in their own way. How long have you been having this uneasy feeling? Has it been ongoing, or did it just begin? Hopefully it will pass with time. No harm, no foul.

I am a big proponent of journaling. I watched a video about a month ago, and it said one of the problems with journaling, is that keeps you focused on the issue(s). I had never considered that, but it seems to slow down the healing process. I wonder if you being proactive on the forums stirs some difficult emotions from when you were in the midst of your sitch. You are a tremendous asset to these forums, but it shouldn't come at the cost of your inner peace.

Just food for thought.


Isn't this why people do gratitude journals? Focus on the positives... even the tiniest.. . Like enjoying the sunshine... and as time goes on gets in more detail... thankful that X we.t above and beyond doing Y today...etc.

It changes your mindset and your focus. May make your funk seem more like an hiccup rather than a terminal disease.

Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,656
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,656
Originally Posted by KitCat
Originally Posted by LITB
Steve,

I have been on both side, and they are each difficult in their own way. How long have you been having this uneasy feeling? Has it been ongoing, or did it just begin? Hopefully it will pass with time. No harm, no foul.

I am a big proponent of journaling. I watched a video about a month ago, and it said one of the problems with journaling, is that keeps you focused on the issue(s). I had never considered that, but it seems to slow down the healing process. I wonder if you being proactive on the forums stirs some difficult emotions from when you were in the midst of your sitch. You are a tremendous asset to these forums, but it shouldn't come at the cost of your inner peace.

Just food for thought.


Isn't this why people do gratitude journals? Focus on the positives... even the tiniest.. . Like enjoying the sunshine... and as time goes on gets in more detail... thankful that X we.t above and beyond doing Y today...etc.

It changes your mindset and your focus. May make your funk seem more like an hiccup rather than a terminal disease.

As long as one is focusing on the positives. These situations tend to cause the opposite from my experience, until we arrive at acceptance. Steve is very in tune with himself and his emotions.

I believe the things we focus on, is what manifest in our hearts as implied in your last sentence.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
Originally Posted by Steve85
Ring and piecing is like putting on a bandaid, ripping it off, over and over and over again. It is work. And it is hard, arduous, difficult work that requires you to be ON all the time.
Relationships are hard work. Old bad habits are extremely hard to keep down. They are the easy path.

I am not expecting answers to these question, but rather for you to contemplate:

1) Has your W fallen back in love with you?
2) Does she look at you with admiration?
3) Does she desire you?
4) Is she meeting your needs? Are you meeting hers?
5) Whats missing in the R? What can you do to make this happen?
6) Is IC and MC working?
7) Are you both listening to each other?
8) Has she went through a personal growth phase like you?
9) Is there passion? Is there excitement?


Those are just off the top of my head.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 750
Likes: 1
I
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: Apr 2019
Posts: 750
Likes: 1
Hey Steve

As always thanks for all your words and advice across the forums. You have helped a lot of us out.

I would maybe suggest taking some time to focus on your M and yourself for awhile. Sometimes reading through everyone's difficulties can take an unexpected toll on oneself. These boards and forums are a lifesaver, without a doubt, but there is a lot of trauma, pain, sadness and anguish expressed here. I would be lying if I said it hasnt occasionally seeped out into the real world for myself as well - leaving me sometimes feeling hopeless.

Marriages are hard work - there is no other way about it. They take time and effort from both people, there are bad spells, good spells, awful spells, and terrific spells. But that's the same as in life. There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It always is as it is - and sometimes you just have to grin and bear it to get through to the better times. That's what I've learned so far, anyway.

I'm sorry you're feeling down. Sit with it awhile, the feeling may pass soon smile

Take care, man - stay strong.

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
S
SteveLW Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,822
Likes: 226
Thanks R2C! Glad to see you back. This forum is better off with you.

IW, thanks for the suggestion. I really do find the board therapeutic. I honestly believe that without this board I would be in a worse place, that this forum helps me stay up on my 180s and self-improve. Plus I see the board as a "pay it forward" thing. Knowing how other LBS feel and the struggle they are in to do what feels natural but harms their situations and themselves, it makes it quite easy to stick around to give encouragement, advice and reflection. If I can help one LBS see their sitch more clearly, and how DBing can help them then I feel it is a net positive.

The feeling is mostly gone now. My W had an accident around the house (minor but painful) so I sprung into H action. This is a 180 for me. In the past I would have told her to shake it off. You know locker room, "get back out there" kind of stuff. But I am past that now. So I fixed I helped her with treatment, and then fixed what caused her accident. One of the things my W has always expressed is wanting to feel taken care of, so I am glad I can accommodate that now after years of the "buck up" mentality.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard