Good stuff. However, I am not sure it would have been healthy for you moving on at that point, to hold on to the ring "just in case". Also this is a good lesson for her. Actions have consequences.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I agree with you Steve. And at that point that's what I was thinking. I have a feeling that's why she was most upset, because she is starting to get a sense of how her actions have affected us.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
As you know my W left me to handle the finances pretty much on my own when she left. Meaning she was barely contributing to our joint house and our son's expenses. Well...I've racked up some debt during this time as I also had to change my business around so I could look after our son. I'm probably near 20k in debt now (first time in 10 years I've had debt that wasn't a house) and I assume she's probably 10-15k in debt. Obviously if this past year had never happened neither of us would have any debt besides the house. Anyways...life goes on.
Today she mentioned she'd been invited to a Girls Trip that will cost around 1k. My issue is she asked me about going in regards to looking after our son but nothing about the cost of it. She has a history of poor money management. I've declined a trip my BIL's bachelor party because I can't justify paying 1k when I'm 20k in debt (and I don't want to leave my son for 4 days at this point while we are still in limbo). This would be her 3rd trip in the past 10 months while I'm sitting here managing the whole household. I'm sure someone will mention respect in their advice and let me have it - I've definitely been too easy and accommodating due to her depression. It's a tough line to walk on.
Things have been going much better over the past couple months but we haven't talked about this debt and what that means moving forward. And now I feel like we are on opposite pages and this needs to be addressed.
I'd like her to be fully aware of the position we are in but I also dont' want to place blame on her as I don't think that's healthy. But..she does need to recognize that their are consequences (maybe I need a better word) to her actions and while before this wouldn't be an issue things have changed. If we get back together we are probably 30k in debt and we need to have a plan to work out of it. I've been avoiding it b/c she has a lot on her plate but I can't keep pushing this conversation back. I also feel like if I'm not honest with our situation I don't give her an opportunity to show any growth in that area. Lastly, I'll just build up resentment and I know that's unhealthy.
Any advice before I talk with her?
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
It sounds like you have gone through a lot. I am still in the early stages of my sitch and struggle at the idea of doing this for a year or longer. However, I’m glad you have done good so far to manage to make progress for a year in.
You seemed to be in a tough predicament there regarding advising your W on money management. I don’t have a lot of advice for you brother, and I haven’t read your sitch fully, but I will pose several questions here and maybe you can reflect on them and it’ll help you make your decision:
In the past, your W mentioned about being judged by you, and if you bring this up (her debt issue), will that come across as judgemental?
Your W sounds like an irresponsible person financially, why do you need to take responsibility over this? She has fired you as her H and she shouldn’t have that privilege anymore.
Like me, you also have a tendency to “fix things” for your W when she doesn’t actually want you to. Will advising her on how to handle her debt look like you “fixing things”? Will she appreciate that?
M: 28 W: 30 T: 2 years Married: Nov 2019 BD: 5 days after wedding (I know right?)
I know you aren't fully familiar with my sitch - what I meant to imply was that if my W and I do fully reconcile (we seem to be working closer to that end goal) than combined we are in debt and we will figure out how to handle that as a family. But I also don't want to be in more debt if we can at least try to plug the leaks now.
If we don't R than she'll be responsible for her own debt and I'll be for mine.
As for the judgment...she may, but I can't control her feelings. She's also well aware that she's not good financially as she brought that up to me after a recent IC session. I'm hoping I can not come across as judgmental though as I'm only trying to deal with reality.
Yes, I've been through a lot this past 15 months. I'm doing what I can to become better because of it. I know I'm a better Dad now, a better friend, and no doubt I'll be a much better husband...hopefully with my W but I can't worry about things that are out of my control.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
After 15 months of challenges, sadness, anger, acceptance and all the other feelings it looks like we are on a path back to a better marriage.
Today my W told me she wants to move back in, that she wants to wear her ring again, and that she hopes that the challenges that we have faced bring forth a stronger connection and marriage than we previously had.
Of course, I'm glad to finally hear that and I suspected this is where it was going for the past couple months. I'm grateful that I've had the patience to let things play out so she could sort herself out.
So many of the situations/timelines have played out as expected based on what the Vets have said as well as from Michelle's books.
I did ask her if there was a PA or EA at all and she said no it was never about that. She just wasn't in a good place and ran like she always does. She's in counselling to learn how to deal with those things better and to allow herself to be more vulnerable. We talk honestly and openly about lots of things now and we both feel more connected to each other.
We still have a long road ahead and more work to be done but we will be traveling that road together. I'm grateful for that.
For the newcomers on here: I can't preach patience enough. LIsten to the Vets and try not to make YOUR decisions based on emotions.
Last edited by job; 02/27/2005:40 PM. Reason: Merged two threads together.
H 37 W 31 S 2
T: 7 M: 4
BD 12/18 Separated 2/19 Living back together 04/06/2019 W Moved out again 07/15/2019
We still have a long road ahead and more work to be done
As someone that has been through it before, I cannot highlight the above enough. If you thought your sitch was hard, wait until you start Ring and piecing. Dig in. Continue to limit expectations. Continue to apply patience. There will be tough times. There will be times when you question if you made the right choice. There will be times when you want to pull the plug yourself.
Get into IC if you aren't. Stay in it if you are. And get a good MC to help guide the way forward.
Good luck, and congratulations, but do not rest on your laurels.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
