One year in...

[SteveLW]

jac, great. This shows that turns around are possible. Childhood trauma is one of the most difficult things to overcome. Hang in there, keep DBing. One of the worst things you can do is to stop DBing after the WAS starts to come back.

[neffer]

There´s Hope Jac.

Time, patience and DB. What Steve´s saying.

[Jac12]

Thanks guys - I plan on keeping some space and focusing on myself and son during this time. I'm here if she chooses to come but this is her struggle to deal with.

This site has been incredibly helpful. Especially since the timeline for everything was predicted by many of the vets - that has helped to be patient. If feels like positive changes (by that I mean things actually improving even if slightly) was only made when I let her go and stopped all contact unless it was about our son. I wish I was able to do that right from the get-go but it's part of the learning process.

I've also learned a lot about myself too and no matter what happens I'll be better in whatever relationship I have with whomever I have that with. That's thanks to DB and the advice given on this platform.

I still expect some ups and downs and I'm trying to have zero expectations and just see how this plays out.

[SteveLW]

I've also learned a lot about myself too and no matter what happens I'll be better in whatever relationship I have with whomever I have that with. That's thanks to DB and the advice given on this platform.

This is the key!! I was talking to my W yesterday related to dealing with our teenager. My W has completely forgiven me for being a passive-aggressive, angry, critical Nice Guy jerk pre-BD. My daughter has not.

I can't go back and fix what I did in the past, all I can do is resolve to be better from this moment forward!

[unchien]

jac ~ Great job validating and not inserting yourself or your feelings about the MR into the conversation.

[IronWill]

Samcal, thanks for your post. I guess I'm doing ok with being patient and finding compassion and I shouldn't expect that to be easy given the circumstances.

You're sentence about her not being able to show up emotionally for me because she' can't for herself yet makes sense and hits home.

We've talked enough about mental illness and depression (me and my W) that I'm pretty sure this is more about what she's going through rather than our relationship.

She has said some very interesting things regarding a potential future with each other recently (in a positive way) but I try really hard not too read anything into it.

I think the more I focus on myself and our son and just give her the space without pressure the more chance we'll have of R down the road.

Time will tell.

Jac - only just started following your sit, but a lot of what you write about hits close to home.

W telling me not to hold out hope. To move on with my life. That there is no (known current) OM, though there may have been a while ago. The fact that she cannot show up emotionally right now, but still attempts to do civil/nice things occasionally. That she really (really!) needs her own space right now.

Mine is a bit different in that there has been a nearly complete communication shutdown. It was extremely bad a year and a half to a year ago. I've seen small steps of improvement- at a glacial pace, but they are there.

I'm as patient as I can be, given it's been 17 months of this. I dont know what specifically "this" is, though it has signs of being MLC, depression/mental illness, menopause, thyroid issues, WAS, etc. I have my own baggage that I unwittingly brought to the MR that I'm dealing with for the past year and a half, which did not help when she was distancing. I'm very grateful to have found this forum. It helped keep me sane.

Standing isn't easy. And you never know how much your patience can get tested until you are in a situation like this.

Anyway - I see some positive signs in your sit - good for you Celebrate the small victories, and keep on with your GAL.

Stay strong

[Jac12]

jac ~ Great job validating and not inserting yourself or your feelings about the MR into the conversation.

Thanks Un. Slowly getting better at that...

[Jac12]

Jac - only just started following your sit, but a lot of what you write about hits close to home.

W telling me not to hold out hope. To move on with my life. That there is no (known current) OM, though there may have been a while ago. The fact that she cannot show up emotionally right now, but still attempts to do civil/nice things occasionally. That she really (really!) needs her own space right now.

Mine is a bit different in that there has been a nearly complete communication shutdown. It was extremely bad a year and a half to a year ago. I've seen small steps of improvement- at a glacial pace, but they are there.

I'm as patient as I can be, given it's been 17 months of this. I dont know what specifically "this" is, though it has signs of being MLC, depression/mental illness, menopause, thyroid issues, WAS, etc. I have my own baggage that I unwittingly brought to the MR that I'm dealing with for the past year and a half, which did not help when she was distancing. I'm very grateful to have found this forum. It helped keep me sane.

Standing isn't easy. And you never know how much your patience can get tested until you are in a situation like this.

Anyway - I see some positive signs in your sit - good for you Celebrate the small victories, and keep on with your GAL.

Stay strong

And positive signs are only small victories but that's a start. I also don't want to get ahead of myself as there is lots of work to be done and she hasn't yet said she loves me or wants back in. It's a slow thaw but it's nice that we are enjoying some time together and at this point there really isn't any drama.

[Jac12]

Fun update:

My W went to see a Medium this evening and she just sent me some texts:

"It was very positive about you and me. She said she'll get messages about when to let a relationship go and when to fight for it and she felt strongly that ours was worth fight for because it's true love"

and

"She said we're going to have another baby and its going to be a girl. Conceived in May lol."

Anyways there was a few other interesting things...the bottom line for me is it's nice to see some positivity and that my W isn't afraid now of giving me more hope or just watching what she says in general.

[Jac12]

Update:

So I sold my W's engagement ring a few months ago. If you've followed my sitch you'll know that she moved out and left me to handle all the bills and look after our son full-time. In order to do this I had to re-jig my business and I made about 60% of my normal income this past year. She told me I could sell the ring and we had planned on meeting with L's as she seemed certain D was what she wanted (see how things can change newbies?).

Last night the topic came up as we were discussing some of our baby things that I sold. She wasn't thrilled that I sold a few things as "what if we have another baby" (her words). She asked if I sold anything else and in the interest of being open I told her I sold the ring.

She was upset for about an hour with random episodes of tears. I told her I regret selling it but at the time we were in a different place and I needed to pay down some debt that I accumulated during this tough time. A few things she said:

"I don't want someone else wearing my ring"
"It's not the same if you get me a new one...what do we do, just go together and pick one out?"
"We can't afford to buy a new one"
"It makes me sad because of the meaning behind it"

So I was just listening for the most part and it struck me that she didn't mention anything about WHY I felt like I had to sell it. It's essentially collateral damage from her decisions to cut me out of her life. Thing have been better between us but we still aren't "piecing". I think a lot of her tears were from the guilt she felt but she wouldn't say it...just a guess.

Anyways - I didn't think I made a rash decision. I was very reluctant to sell it but I got to a point where I started feeling foolish for believing things would change and we'd get back together.

For the new posters - THINGS CAN ALWAYS CHANGE so try to limit reacting based on your emotions or her emotions. GIVE TIME and SPACE, and LISTEN. TRY TO STAY EVEN.