Gerda Finally Sees the Broken Fragments

[Gerda]

I owe you a note, DnJ, just time has become a complete blur with trying to work and homeschool. But most of all the constant attacks from H. We had a week of attacks about him moving to one state and then to another in opposite direction and now his broker has started up again writing to me to put the sign back on the house though his contract ends May 19 and no brokers are allowed to do anything except remotely until the governor's orders change. We have a conference on May 20 but his lawyer keeps writing to demand that the marketing period be extended.

None of these people are thinking, gee, I wonder if it's a good time for this woman to have to find a new place to live and for her children to have to move, should they sell the place. Remember where I live and you will see that this is INSANE. I had to prepare for H taking D11 across state lines to his new place in another state four hours away by installing an app on her phone to trace her and being ready to call the police. His lawyer was sending me horrible threatening notes about interfering with visitation and no one seemed aware that we are supposed to be sheltering in place. But amazingly I discovered that the L who did the custody agreement allowed a section saying that I can't move more than 5 miles from my current house but NOTHING AT ALL ABOUT H moving. So I can't even use the custody agreement. I have been advised by domestic abuse center lawyer to get the heck out of divorce court so I can go to family court, where the kids will be protected. She said all that before she knew who my judge is, and when I told her my judge's name, there was this dead silence for a minute, and then she just said, "Oh, God. You HAVE to get out of that courtroom. She hates children." So it wasn't my imagination.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT LITTLE INNOCENT STAND-FOREVER GERDA HAS ENDED UP LIKE THIS?!

OK but the thing I am grappling with now is about fear. I keep trying to figure out what it is I am so afraid of. I know it's a remnant from my own troubled childhood. I always felt terrified of the fighting, was always looking for ways to make everyone calm, to get the house clean, to be sure no one would explode. And if I couldn't, I used to hide inside my closet. I started sleeping on the porch when I was 16, and I threw out almost everything I owned, I wanted nothing tying me there so I could leave the second I was able. And then I learned that if you cut off contact, they couldn't hurt you anymore. So I became this stone when I was around my family, and then when I was able to leave, I left and was able to mostly not contact them. If I opened up a little and they hurt me, I would just stop talking to them again for a while. Once my mom came to see me when I was living in FL after a run-away adventure and I had a panic attack and became feverish to the point of delirium! Now I recreated that, just like your W and my H recreated their triggers. I have cut off contact with H, the one who hurts me. But H keeps sneaking his fingers around the wall to grab at me. I notice that it's the fear that I will have to have contact with him or his L or his broker. I was doing so well when I thought I had bought some time and now that the court date is approaching and the broker is starting up again, I wake up gasping all night, can't sleep, headaches and nausea like the old days.

There are two Gerdas. One is healed, ready for a new life. And one is still petrified of... ? Of the contact with H, just having to see his name or his text or answer another one of his battle calls, unable to break free via divorce and because of his hold on D11. I created a settlement offer that offers him a downpayment and a slow repayment of his share of the equity, with interest, until I can refinance. That all depends of course this moment in history and how the banks will handle our troubles. But I doubt he will say yes to it, so my life is in the hands of the pissy court attorney, and so I am constantly allowing my fear of that to overtake me, of not being able to explain clearly or to convince her to encourage that settlement.

DnJ, you have said that I already went through the worst. H already did everything he could do and I survived.

But it seems like the other stuff will never end. I am afraid he won't accept my settlement offer and I'll have to keep on this way. I am afraid he won't let up with D11 and I will have to go to family court if I ever make it out of divorce court. I am afraid I will never have head space -- whenever I have a couple of days, something from H or his L comes in and I spiral. My best friend pointed out yesterday that I may be like that inside but that outside I appear to be a total bada$$ and that they are more afraid of me! I managed to get custody and get him out of our home, I managed to hold on to my upstate rental business and so far I am still holding on to our downstate rental business. And yet I feel that I live on a constant injection of cortisol and I am miserable with that -- I want to be the other Gerda only!

Another friend whose W went MLC around the same time as my H is done with his D but she keeps starting up again -- she had a baby while the D was going on and married the OM and only has visitation but keeps trying to change that or to influence their schooling, etc. I asked him about it and he said we'll never be totally free of that.

I do not think the peace you have is possible for people like us, with younger kids and a spouse driven to hurt and control us. There is never any chance for lasting peace. I know you will say differently. But just say it as a friend whose friend is crying on your shoulder and not as a dad, this girl needs a hug from a friend her own age.

[scout12]

I know you were writing to DnJ but I want to give you a big hug after reading that.

(((((Gerda)))))

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

I do not think the peace you have is possible for people like us, with younger kids and a spouse driven to hurt and control us. There is never any chance for lasting peace. I know you will say differently. But just say it as a friend whose friend is crying on your shoulder and not as a dad, this girl needs a hug from a friend her own age.

(((Gerda)))

I am a friend. Lean into my shoulder. Bury your face into my chest, against my beating heart. Feel my arms wrap around, across your back, and hold you safe.

I am sorry you are hurting.

Today will be only empathy.

Love
DnJ

[CanBird]

Hi Gerda. ((Hugs to you)). I'm sorry you're having to deal with all these things.

My best friend pointed out yesterday that I may be like that inside but that outside I appear to be a total bada$$ and that they are more afraid of me! I managed to get custody and get him out of our home, I managed to hold on to my upstate rental business and so far I am still holding on to our downstate rental business. And yet I feel that I live on a constant injection of cortisol and I am miserable with that -- I want to be the other Gerda only!

Sounds like your friend IRL knows you. And look at what you've done! How empowering! You are showing D11 what you can do. Keep being a great example. 

Right now, times ARE tough. Mlc is tough. Being a parent is tough. Being a kid is tough. Being alive right now is tough. BREATHE..... You are not alone. Everyone is going through something. We are here for you. In these hard times look for the silver lining. It will not be this way forever. We all have differnt stories, but we are the same in that we struggle & we survive. 

You're a bada$$ momma. Happy Mother's Day.

[Grace21]

Gerda -

I feel helpless from afar, unable to help my friend. But, a warm hug is here, and a shoulder to cry on. Know that all your feelings are normal. I'm proud of you for recognizing how you repeat the past. I believe this will help you deal with that past, and heal. Your friend is wise to remind you that in spite of your inner feelings, you take care of business when you need to. Remind yourself over and over of all your successes, so that those thoughts can replace some of the ones that are trying to overtake you.

((((Gerda))))

Grace

[DnJ]

Happy Mother’s Day Gerda

You are doing an excellent job of being Mom.

Please enjoy your day. You deserve it.

DnJ

[Gerda]

Thank you, DnJ, Grace, Scout and CanBird, for these wonderful messages. I read them all the past few days a few times and they brought me a lot of comfort. I will write more soon in reply and reflection but the love you sent was amazing and just what I needed. Love to you all, and a Mother's Day poem for three out of four -- or for all four, since DnJ has filled the Mom role -- esp with D17 -- rather impressively. And Happy Mother's Day to Job and Westo and Kml and Bttrfly and Peace (and Own, if you ever see this!) and all the moms I know here and don't know here who are reading this message now and always -- remember that your stand through MLC is the most amazing gift you could give your children, they are watching how you kept your focus on their needs, watching your strength and courage and hope in the face of this MLC tragedy, and that memory will feed them all their lives...


If I Sleep While My Baby Sleeps

By Alice B. Fogel

I will hear his sleep
in and through my own, my sleep will be bathed in his as if we slept in one same fluid

My sleep floats within a listening so deep that the separating spaces of air become
as pliant and full as snowfall,

its singing silence as profound

My ears and his throat —
the sensation of anticipated hearing close inside the ear
and the incipient murmur or cry forming at the end of his sleep — borne like birds and thrumming on the air of rooms between us

My own sleep will be his
clock, safely keeping time,
his sleep tunes my dreams to listen, our sleep binds the hour,
heavy and warm,
into a blanket of air
and sound

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

Fear.

There are two Gerdas. One is healed, ready for a new life. And one is still petrified of... ?

Which wolf are you feeding?

Fear is self reinforcing. Find that feedback and break it.

It’s good you see the recreation of your childhood fear and your response of turning to stone so as to not face it. Gerda, step out of the closet!

Yes the headaches, lack of sleep; like the old days; is not helping.

I always felt terrified of the fighting, was always looking for ways to make everyone calm, to get the house clean, to be sure no one would explode.

What happened during the fighting? What happened after the fighting?

Fear hides in the shadows, in our imagination/creation. Yes, scared and worried about fighting. Because....

Dig here. Rationalize here. Your fear paralyzes you. Turns you to stone. The fighting is only a part of it.

And perhaps your fear of conflict gets in your own way. We are in a fight with our own emotions. Mental assertiveness. Sword and shield. Not the time to turn to stone and hide.

I do not think the peace you have is possible for people like us, with younger kids and a spouse driven to hurt and control us. There is never any chance for lasting peace. I know you will say differently.

What’s your definition of peace?

Fear is in your mind. So is peace. Neither is external.

Much love and hugs.

DnJ

[MissnM]

Gerda

When you have renewed strength at the end of your MLC journey with your H, you need to write a book about it. And the craziness and drama will make it a bestseller and you will earn millions. That will be the universe giving you back most of what H took. And you making $$$ off his insanity will drive him crazy.(er?) karma.😀

I’ve been following your thread long before I became a member. And honestly, I had to set it aside at times because I was so angry on yours and your kids behalf.

The fact that you are still standing, and I mean literally still physically standing upright, and functioning is testament to your strength as a mother and human being. No one should have to live your story.

Thank you for your support on my thread. I don’t know where I should Post my reply’s to you. On my thread or yours. So. I think I will do it on mine. Even though I think I’ve done others on theirs. Sheesh. Forum etiquette is new to me.
And I feel a mess.

Keep the strength today.

[Gerda]

MissnM -- Your post really touched me so much, thank you! It is so amazing to think that anyone out there is following along and caring about me or being angry on my behalf. I mean, I know I have a few friends here, but to think that there are a bunch of anonymous people not posting who are caring/following, that's quite something. Thank you! I told my best friend what you said about me standing upright, and she loved it.

DnJ -- Thank you for the empathy post and the discussion post. I will answer your questions soon. But one thing I will say -- I don't remember what happened before/after. I am one of those who remembers almost nothing about her childhood -- trauma survival kicked in, I guess. I am still drowning in work but on my 20th wedding anniversary, this week, I have a telephone court conference. I am going to present my settlement proposal and try to keep a clear head and not feed my fear. But remember that anxiety is not only about what you feed. I am realizing that it's my background radiation.

Now here is a question I posted for HaWho on her thread, but really anyone who has a thought about this from his/her own sitch, please chime in!


I wanted to ask you something but I don't know if it's better in my own post, so I will post it in both and if you ever have time to answer, you can answer wherever is better for you.

I am thinking a lot about my past with my H, and I was thinking about your sitch too -- as once someone said something to you about how it seemed like your H had a psychotic break of some kind, in addition to MLC. I always thought this of mine too. But lately I am sifting a little bit through some of my past with my H because he is conducting such a horrifically vicious divorce (to the point that I wonder at times if he is capable of violence) that I started to wonder if there were seeds I missed along the way. For one thing, I started to think about how his obsession through MLC was over money and thinking I was hiding his money or controlling it, etc. but with no basis in reality. Looking back over the years, I realized I could not say that this seed wasn't there from our first days dating. I realized that when I met him, he was deeply in debt and had run up a huge debt on his mother's credit card to pay tuition. His father had just found out and he and his mom were in big trouble about it. It caused a real rift with his already estranged father -- and his wounds are all father-based. During MLC once I found the OW's credit card info scrawled in a notebook, he had already convinced her to pay for something -- this pattern of convincing people to help him out of his financial messes. He convinced his friend, the godfather of our kids, to PAY FOR HIS DIVORCE LAWYER!!!

Once we were a couple, I helped him pay off his debts -- not with money, but I mean by organizing payment schedules for him, etc. Early in our relationship, I remembered that I had paid off ALL my debts, including student loans, and I felt so free and so light. I was a teacher, not making much, and had gone to grad school that I had to pay for most of, but I worked a lot, and I was very frugal. And then the blur of my life with him began and it was a life of financial risk that got us into property ownership and businesses but that kept us in debt. He was always talking about what a whiz he was but looking back, I realized it was always me who made things happen, he had ideas but no facility with money. He would never do bill paying stuff with me, wouldn't help with taxes and would freak out whenever I tried to explain financial realities, even before MLC. Once MLC hit and he stopped working, started stealing money from our biz and our home, all financial reality checks would end with him screaming to sell our house, so I stopped telling him anything, and he began saying I was hiding and controlling all money, even if I did try to show him again and the house-selling-yelling would begin again. We own two properties and both mortgages are in my name only because his credit was so bad -- our rental place upstate doesn't even have him on the deed! I realized he never worked to get out of debt, let alone to buy me something I needed, like a coat, and was always pushing us to the next thing. This is just one example, and I don't want to believe the history rewriting either, but I can't deny this truth. And I have started to wonder if he was always NPD and that I just had my own wounds and didn't see it. I know he was different, looked different, acted different, but I have started to wonder if there was some mental illness all along, and it was so much like the mental illness in my house growing up that I somehow was drawn to it without realizing it was the same.

So I was wondering if you have had thoughts like these about your H and whatever his big issue was, that the seed was there all along, or was it a complete alien to whom you had known.

I don't mean to obsess over the past, but I am sifting in order to understand my own wounds and the choices I made, so I wanted to ask you about it, as our sitches have been so similar and even started around the same time.