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((((Gerda))))


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((((((Gerda))))))

Be gentle on yourself. Especially for mistakes.

I’ve learnt so much from my mistakes, I think I’ll make a few more.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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(((((Gerda)))))


You will be in my prayers tonight especially. Have your cry, and find comfort in the Lord. He knows your real story, and will see you through each chapter.

Grace


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Gerda Offline OP
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Update -- D10 saw H today for visitation. (For once her hair didn't smell like vape!) The usual tidbits came out but today included a real doozy. A couple days ago S14 told me that his dad had sent him "another one of those weird texts," but then wouldn't say more, so I didn't push.

Today upon return D10 said that Papa had sent S14 a long text all about loving him but that S14 had only written back, "Papa, there is no love anymore."

Wow.

She told me that Papa was sad about this but that he said that one day he would tell them the truth about why he did what he did. Not sure what that means -- I guess because I am evil and hiding the money. Feel so bad that he is always talking to a 10-year old about all the drama and problems. Poor D10 has too much on her little shoulders.

I was both proud of S14 for speaking his mind and having clarity and, I admit, felt a little vindicated. I don't trash talk H though I am honest about him if asked, and the kids can see when I am struggling with the situation or when they know I have gone to court. But I felt a little vindicated that S14 sees everything clearly enough to know that love is about actions not about words.

Mostly though I feel that S14 is keeping himself safe by choosing to not see his father. D10 is not safe emotionally when she is with H and sometimes I am not even sure she's safe physically. The other day she told me she was learning about abuse in school, and I said I was glad she was learning because I didn't know and I had allowed some abuse in past relationships. I told her about some of the kinds of abuse and abuse was anything that makes you feel deeply unworthy or scared, it didn't have to be physical but could be mental, emotional, financial, etc. She told me that she thought she had experienced that with her dad the other day when he kept telling her her shape was looking better, more defined. I think I wrote before about when he told her that he wanted her to be skinny because boys only chase skinny girls and he wanted all the boys to chase her. But this one sounded more complimentary, so I was proud of her for recognizing that it was abusive on some level. But overall I think she is very vulnerable to him and comes back very anxious and unsure of herself. For example, he keeps vaping around her and so I have been trying to teach her to leave the room when he does, but now she gets scared to tell me about it. She said, "You're not going to tell the judge, are you?" and, "Don't tell please or Papa will never trust me again."

Anyway, I am obsessing tonight over everything. Raw heart from a raw day. Thanks, Scout, DnJ and Grace, for the very nice words and hugs and support. DnJ, you even made me laugh. Yes, if I could see it like that! That's a good goal. I have told your credit card identity story few times, it's such a good one. (Esp relevant since all my credit cards and wallet got stolen when I met Grace for drink!)

Last edited by Gerda; 02/20/20 04:48 AM.

I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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More hugs for you, Gerda, from a newbie. (((Gerda)))


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Good Morning Gerda

I’m glad you liked the credit card story. smile

And on how one could differently view mistakes.

It sounds like S14 is finding his way. The relationship between Dad and son is unfolding or devolving or growing up - point of view - ensure you remain out of it. Your job is not to facilitate the relationship, your job is to not destroy it.

What D10 reported from H about what son said. Whew, third hand. Anyhow, “Papa, there’s no love anymore.” Son is finding indifference and being detached. Good thing by the way, you don’t want son being dragged around by this. Compassionate indifference is what you want son to find. I believe you are living that, so he will pick up on things, and there will be opportunities to further that view, discussions, birthdays, gifts, Father’s Day, etc.. The lofty goal behind all that, kids forgiving their Dad.

D10 is younger and still responding to Dad so she is getting more of his attention. She is not where son is. She cannot risk loosing her Dad. She will lash out at you at times because she just can’t speak back to her father - yet.

Did you, or do you, see that in son? Has his attitude changed a little? With him speaking up for himself to Dad, he may just not misbehave as much with you.

You are the safe parent. Kids need to vent and express bottled up emotions, and they cannot do that to the parent that deserves it, so the sane one usually gets double. Another good thing by the way.

Eventually, it smooths out. Kids grow passed this and realize and accept it, leaving their emotionally stunted parent behind to continue the struggle to grow up themselves. It’s a whole lot better if kids (and us) do that compassionately.

Do not tell H about anything D10 has confided in you. She begged you. She needs somewhere safe to tell her feelings. It’s wonderful that is you.

You are doing very well gently steering her on who and what she can control. Vaping for example, yes leave the room. She will extrapolate that idea and premise to other aspects. Another good lesson to learn at such a young age.

Gerda, I see things have changed for you - well within you. We change our views and the world changes with us.

Your advice is good and solid, with much wisdom and experience.

Have a great day.

DnJ


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Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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I’m late with a (((Gerda))).

Just goes to show how weird H is when he actually wants boys to chase his D.

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Gerda,

I am very sorry to read what has transpired in your situation. However, after all of this time, maybe, just maybe, there is light at the end of the tunnel and a settlement will be put into place.

It puzzles me that your new lawyer wasn't speaking up for you, but it could be that in the courtroom, the judge only views the particulars of a separation/divorce/settlement and they really do not focus on the welfare of the children. The welfare of the children may be held in another session where all of the concerns of both parents are viewed and a decision made. Judges and lawyers focus on what needs to be done when a family splits up and that is the divorce and settlement. It's a very sad way to look at things, but I now in my area, that is how things are looked at.

Hopefully, today will be a better day for you. Try to carve out a bit of "me" time and relax just a bit.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Westo, Cardinal, Job, Grace -- thank you so much for the love and the shower of hugs. I really really needed it and it really lightened my load!

DnJ, you are, as ever, full of vantage-point-clarity. I agree that S14 is finding his way. He still rages but far less, and I am glad he knows very clearly what he thinks and what he is going to do about it.

I do want them to forgive but I do not want them to forgive now. I do not do anything to hurt their relationship with H but I spent 7 years protecting H and I can see now that that may have made things worse for my kids, so now I tell the truth when they ask and I also volunteer it at times. If H had come out of it, it would have been a great thing, so I think it was good and understandable that I did that; but since he did not come out of it, and over half their lives have been spent with him very deep in MLC and mental illness, I think not knowing some of the truth confused and hurt them and made them unprepared to deal with the unfolding of the D. It is unfolding in ways I could never ever have imagined -- I never ever would have ever thought H capable of such cruelty and vicious avarice or so incapable of seeing the kids as human beings with feelings and hopes that can be crushed or beings who need care -- even just food and clothes! Had I ever thought that what is happening now would happen, I would have done things very differently. I am glad my kids saw how firmly I believed in marriage and how steadfast I was in waiting for restoration. So I hope that any mistakes I made are outweighed by what they will understand, from watching me, about marriage vows.

I believe that H is dangerous for them and they are only safe at this age if they don't forgive. I know that sounds shocking coming from Gerda. But I grew up with a mother like H and I know that it is very dangerous to be around someone like that until you are mature enough to understand what is happening and how to protect yourself. I didn't come to that until very late in life, and then my mother died before I was able to enact that forgiveness. At their age and their level of spiritual and general maturity, I fear for them.

And I don't agree about the vaping. Second hand smoke from vaping is really dangerous for D10's health, and normalizing vaping is a terrible precedent. She is too scared to upset him and we live in a big city so it's not like she can just announce she is going outside. He has the juul with him all the time and puffs at it all day. I am sure you would not advise me to equip her to deal with it when he does heroin. I know it doesn't come close to heroin, but I just mean that I think that at her age, she needs my protection. But I did, last time I brought it to lawyer, tell them that she wouldn't tell me but I could smell it in her hair. I don't talk to H ever, at all, except in my courtroom day-mare. I do keep records of all this stuff in case he ever tries to get more custody.

I listened to a sermon yesterday by Tim Keller on the furnace in the book of Daniel. He talks about how suffering is a certainty and how it will destroy you if you not only suffer but suffer over thinking that something must be wrong if you are suffering. That you can only be refined by the fire if you trust that God will use your suffering and don't become despairing and angry with him because he has not taken it away. So I have been sitting with that idea the past few days. When the waves of despair hit me, I try to remember that I have to give myself to God and let him refine me, and that I don't have to pretend I am not suffering or make light of it or try to just "let it go." Rather I can sit in it with confidence that God will use it to refine me.

I am not suffering anymore over H's change and rejection of me and our family. I am suffering from the torture he is inflicting on me and the kids via the way he is conducting the D and the way he is trying to control his destruction of our home and our life. I am suffering in trying to get to the end of the D so that he can't torture me anymore, so that I can be free.

So, yes, in a way it must sound like I really really changed. But I think I am still exactly the same Gerda. I just stopped believing that H would ever be good again and I finally realized that focusing on your kids, as everyone here advises, means fighting the MLCer's attempts to destroy/pillage with everything you can, while somehow still holding true to all that is good and beautiful and not losing yourself and your goodness as you fight -- and never making the fight an idol but only a means to an end, and the end is getting out of this horror with whatever you can salvage of house and home. I am still the same Gerda, I just remembered my own dreams and hopes for my own life my children's lives, at least as far as I can help them with theirs -- and I gave that man who was once my H to God.

You may wonder why this is so long. Well, it might be my last post for a long while. Lent starts on Wednesday and I will be giving up the boards til Easter. If any of my friends here have plans to be where I live during that time, you can ask Grace about how to reach me. I send you all a lot of love and will post a last message before Wednesday. DnJ, I will be carrying the mini DnJ in my pocket or on the mantle so you can help me a bit during Lent but I will try not to consult your mantle-sized self too often, and just rely on God..... But I will keep my eye for sun-dogs! And here are some songs for you -- Judah & the Lion, "Our Love" (Brite Session) and Laura Mvula - Green Garden and Band of Horses - The Funeral and maybe if you want to try something outside your zone, Red Bottom Sky by Yung Lean, i think it's so beautiful.

Last edited by Gerda; 02/22/20 06:23 AM.

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Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Gerda I pray you have a beautiful Lent. A group I’m leading is reading a book over Lent on total forgiveness that is a 40 day book.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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