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#2874645 12/04/19 09:50 PM
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Previous thread: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2858707&page=11

Hi All.

I wasn't going to start a new thread but my old one is full and I wanted to respond to your messages. Thank-you, as always, for your support and advice.

KML - I'm not worried about spyware or anything like that. I'm pretty sure XH stumbled across my thread because my iPad used to be linked to my kids' IPads so that if I was on a site, it would sometimes show up on their's. Text messages too which was highly irritating. It took me awhile to a) realize it was happening and b) figure out a way to fix it so I think that is how he found it. He was also aware that I had belonged to an online forum in the past even though it was not this particular one.

So it's been a few days and I am still at a loss as to why XH and OW would want to spy on me. Morbid curiosity? Maybe XH wanted to make sure I am okay? Or is that too noble of a motive? OW's motive? That's another one altogether. She told me my perspective was hard to read. Ummm...of course it was!!! It is my perspective...the woman whose husband you cheated with. What did you expect?

Honestly, if I had to guess, I just think she is in denial about her role in all of this and that reading about my experience reminds her that her happiness has come at others' expense and she doesn't want to face that. She claims she loves my children like they were her own yet she was instrumental in blowing up their family. That's not love.

Like you all have expressed, it is equally bizarre that she decided she needed to tell me they were spying on me. She claims not to want to start a war or a conflict between us but if that is the case, wtf?? I mean...what a fantastic way to try to incite one!! XH and I have been doing a great job of co-parenting because we have both chosen to put our kids first so that when I see him, we are nothing but friendly and congenial. It doesn't mean that every bad feeling I have ever had about the two of them is gone or that I am somehow being dishonest because I don't present as super angry every time I see him. That is the reason I am on this forum...so I can work through that stuff here and not have it impact my life any more than it already has.

The reality is that my hurt and angry feelings HAVE faded significantly these last few months. I went back and read my last few threads and probably 85% of what I wrote about has absolutely nothing to do with XH and OW and everything to do with my life outside of that. That is the part that creeps me out the most about this situation. It is one thing to read my thoughts and feelings about them but the fact that they have also had an inside view of my dating adventures and my R with Jack that not even my closest friends and family have had is such a monumental violation. There really aren't any words to describe it.

Anyway... I am sad that I have to step back from this forum because you all have helped me so much with sorting out my feelings in a way that no one else could have and have kept me on a really good path. Part of me feels like I should just keep posting regardless but I really, really cannot stomach the idea of them having a window into my life like this. There are thoughts and feelings I've written about here that I don't talk to anyone else about - not even my twin. That XH and OW are the only two people IRL who know some of these things is beyond horrifying as they would be the last two people on earth I would choose to talk to about it. Ugh. It is nauseating just thinking about it. So I don't really have a choice. I am just grateful that I am through the worst of it because I don't know what I would do if I wasn't.

Job - If/when I come back to post about my own life, I will definitely make a new account and not link my old threads. It will be some time however as I want to wait until I'm pretty sure XH and OW have moved on to other things and lost interest in knowing what I'm doing.

Take care All. I will try and stop by your threads and lend my support when I can. (((HUGS)))

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Quote
I am still at a loss as to why XH and OW would want to spy on me. Morbid curiosity? Maybe XH wanted to make sure I am okay? Or is that too noble of a motive? OW's motive? That's another one altogether. She told me my perspective was hard to read.


H's motivation? Either hoping to get some leg up in divorce negotiations, or jealousy over you having a new guy. (Even when they leave they like the idea of us staying on the shelf, pining away and available as Plan B if their new life doesn't work out). OW's motivation? Jealousy that your Ex was jealous of your new boyfriend? She must have been really surprised to read all those reasonable, kind, heartfelt posts in your threads and I'm pretty sure she discovered a lot of LIES that your ex told her, but rather than digest that she had to kill the (unwitting) messenger. She's a creep.

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I agree that OW is a creep. If she’s a teacher, surely she must see the things that a parents divorce (especially caused from cheating) does to children. God. These kids cut them selves, develop eating disorders, attempt suicides. It’s devastation. Hurt the moms and you hurt the kids. I’m sorry your kids have to deal with a person like her. What a crappy role model.

She’s just too self absorbed to see the bigger picture. Views it as some weird competition that she won or thinks its “twu love” as chump lady puts it. People like her are just too thick headed and selfish to really see their roles. Her motivation was to see if your ex was trying to get back with you. Like if you had posted “ex called me and told me he made a mistake “. That’s because she knows she can’t really trust him. She would not only be creepy if she did, but an idiot too.

I agree that these cheater type personalities like attention and like two women fighting over them. OW knowing about you and your sadness makes her have to work harder to keep him around. He knows that and probably feels that It keeps her in that competitive mode.


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WAH in summer
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DV, I'm so sorry to hear of this betrayal. I understand you won't be posting moving forwards, so I just wanted to wish you well in your life as you continue to live it to the fullest.

Voyeurism has a strong draw, so I could see how once discovered both OW and XH kept reading. It may not be right, but I can say if my XW had a blog I knew about I'd have a feeling I "need" to see what was going on with her. It would be hard for me not to - though I do hope I wouldn't. I haven't looked at her FB page though, so perhaps I would be strong enough to stay away. Who knows. I digress.

The part about them telling you about it though is super weird, because why admit that? But again, who knows the answer.

I'm sorry you've lost your safe space here. I hope you find many other outlets in your life to live fully without feeling like you're being watched.

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I'm very sad that you've lost the feeling of safety we all have here, and because of the two people on this planet who had absolutely no business violating your privacy.

I do hope that you come back under another name when you feel it's safe to do so.. You've helped me very much and I will miss you!
xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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DV, I am so sorry that this happened. I am (selfishly) even more sorry that this means you have to step back from the forum. Your compassion and wisdom has given many of us comfort here. From the bottom of my heart, I wish you the brightest future imaginable, full of adventure and color and life. He has given you a freedom you did not want. But god d@mn it if that freedom has been the making of you.

If you do come back, and I hope you do, then put something in my thread so I know it's you. A hug, a warm cup of tea.

I challenge anyone who has read your 1244 posts to not see the warmth and intelligence radiating from your words. It may have started as curiosity, they may have continued reading out of some morbid kind of voyeurism, but you cannot read your words without hearing your pain and slowly, ever so slowly, sensing the women you were becoming - one who had finally started seeing a brighter future WITHOUT her exH.

A broken woman made whole. So let 'em read.

exH / OW - if you're reading this. WTF are you doing still here. You won. Now take your prize, stop reading your exWs thread, go live your life and FO.

Last edited by job; 12/15/19 11:02 PM. Reason: edited a word

W40 (me), H40
M14, Together 16
D12, D9

BD Oct 17
Moved out Mar 18

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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Merry Christmas everyone!! I hope each and every one of you have a beautiful holiday season!! Much love to you all!!! xoxoxo

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DnJ Online
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Merry Christmas DV

Wishing you all the best.

DnJ


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Merry Christmas DV xoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
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That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Merry Christmas!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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