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I wish I found this group when the BDed 2 months ago because I have done all the don'ts (begging pleading crying threatening confronting her and telling others) and up until 2 days ago I was still begging and pleading. Here is our stitch H (37) me (34) together almost 15years M(12) 5 kids (10,8,6,5,3). We have had a rocky marriage throughout but I didn't see it as anything worse then other people. The last couple of months had gotten bad. Then H BD the first week of Oct that he is having an EA with a coworker that started in Sept. of this year. When he told me he also tried to break it off and we tried to work on things the for about 4 days and by Wednesday he felt his feels for her were too strong to fight and he went back to her, sneaking around before or after work. He has tried to break it off 5 or 6 times and everytime his feels get stronger. He says that they are in love and he has no feelings for me and that he has been thinking about leaving for awhile and she was his final way to get out. He also says the last 13 years have been more bad then good. He has tried to move in with her but she called their other coworker that helps talk them off the edge and he decided not to move out, but tried to live in our camper. Then I confronted him about her doing his laundry even though they are not seeing each other outside of work and he said he was done with me and wants a divorce. That day he realized he could not afford to move out right now and asked to stay in our basement, but me has no desire to work on us even though he sees through this I have started to make the changes he wanted before. He just wants to be with her because he believes life will be happier without me even if he is not seeing the kids every day (he says they will be fine and not suffer for long). So right now he says he is burned out, not sleeping and not really eating, so he is going to focus on being single and coparenting and not see her or call or text her and when he goes to work he will just work and have little interaction with her as possible (I dont really believe that). He said he would stay in the basement and only come up to use the bathroom or get something to eat, but he has been hanging out upstairs with us when he wants. The last 2 days I have been good and pleasant which is a Huge change for me. Last night it almost looked like he was going through a little bit of withdrawal from not being with her but it also could have been he was just tired.

Does this sound like I have any hope to save things? Could this be true love between them after only 2 months or does it sound like affair fog or a MLC? I am at a loss on what to do. I am going to get the DB book today. I feel like this is eating me alive.

Last edited by job; 12/04/19 07:28 PM. Reason: added space between paragraphs
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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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So sorry you are in this horrible situation. Whilst your waiting for the book , read all the links when you can and try to absorb as much as possible. Its impossible to know if things will resolve between you two , but be strong , you can do it

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Hi Alrose,

sorry you're here. Your sitch has a lot of similarities to others, but I'm sure some differences as well.

I want to say that while your husband might feel "in love" with this OW, what kind of love is that? He is married to you, kids with you, didn't leave you, I'm sure he lies to her about a lot. He is in a bad place, not sleeping well, not eating well, living in the basement but then living upstairs, make rash choices, involving coworkers...honey that is not "in love" or "true love" or any type of love.

I want you to read here and post here. Breathe, remain calm, and think everything through. I bet you're a good gal at heart, but your marriage hasn't been the best and now you're hear. Big whoop. You can make yourself better, I promise you that. And you are better and you do deserve better than this crap that is going on right now. Seriously.

So here's where you start:
1. "Don't believe anything he says and only half of what he does". This is your mantra.
2. No expectations.
3. Detach. His actions don't affect your mood. Take back your power.
4. Avoid the "Feel & React". I think this approach is what drives most situations from hopeful to hopeless. Nothing he says or does requires an immediate response so keep that in mind and learn how to validate and respond without inputting your opinion.
5. GAL

Oh and takes care of those kids! I bet they are a fun bunch!


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Thank you, this whole thing has really got me in a bad place and make me act like a crazy person. I am also having a hard time controlling my thoughts and not thinking about this all day and night. When I went to the store today all I could do was cry. But right now I rather cry in front of strangers then in front of him

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Read about the Stop Sign technique in Divorce Remedy. Great technique to learn how to control your thoughts!

When my thoughts (and therefore emotions, attitudes, and actions) went downhill I envision a big red stop sign. Then I picture myself cruising down the Lake of the Ozarks about 25 mph, 85 degrees out, the sun is almost ready to start going down, there's a slight breeze just enough to make the water sparkle in front of me, I have a cold beer in my hand, the music up, and I'm on my way to a damn good time at a bar or restaurant.

Just typing that out I feel pretty darn good.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Does anyone have experience were the EA is with a co worker. Does it seem harder to end/lasts longer when they see the person all day every day? Also since he is still living in the house do I say hi or anything when he comes home before he goes down stairs or just let him go?

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Originally Posted by alrose48
I am going to get the DB book today. I feel like this is eating me alive.
If you are only going to buy one, I would buy DR rather than DB.

I was reading as many books as I could. I never wanted to be in the same sitch again:
https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2061094#Post2061094


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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Originally Posted by alrose48
Also since he is still living in the house do I say hi or anything when he comes home before he goes down stairs or just let him go?
Treat him like a cat. Wait until he approaches you. Treat him like you would a cashier. Pleasant but not personal.

Find your inner happiness. Always be happy in his presence. Fake it until you make it.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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Originally Posted by alrose48
Does anyone have experience were the EA is with a co worker. Does it seem harder to end/lasts longer when they see the person all day every day? Also since he is still living in the house do I say hi or anything when he comes home before he goes down stairs or just let him go?


In general, the EAP is insignificant. The dopamine deluge your H is getting from the EA is why he is addicted. Whether the EAP is in the same house, or half a world away won't dictate the length or strength of the EA. However, focusing on it is a dead-end because you have no control over it.

Be cordial and friendly, but do not initiate contact. If he greets you, greet him cheerfully and happily back. Remember, your goal right now is to back off, and remove all pressure and pursuit.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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