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Core #2875326 12/09/19 03:24 PM
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Core, good list so far.

How's the gym and diet coming. I hope you are taking care of your body.

Sorry about the OM. I've been there done that. Don't reveal what you know, don't reveal how you know, just that you do know. That's the best way to handle a confrontation. And confrontations are not advised usually because they end up making the LBS look weak.

In one sentence you said you would stay in limbo for years, and in the two or three sentences later and you don't care anymore. It sounds like you're very confused and hurt. That is OK.

Learn how to resist your feelings, and let your brain direct you instead. If she R talks, you validate. Don't contribute. I bet she was trying to buy some time/more spending funds by initiating this R talk.

STOP PURSUING.

You need to get out a GAL. She wants a divorce, that means she'll have the kids half the time and you'll be free to do as you please while she watches them. Make the best of that time. Or take the kids along for some GAL.

Quote
Anxiety already kicking in to see how she reacts to the sites I asked her to check out.
I'm going to spare you the anxiety. She isn't going to do a thing about those.

If you want her to ask you about saving the marriage go to the gym 5 days a week, eat well, GAL, dress well and groom well, stop pursuing her, stop inputting your feelings into convos, learn how to listen and validate. Basically do everything that women are attracted to and do your best to heal from this and move on. Read R2C's links on attraction.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Core #2875332 12/09/19 03:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Core
Steve85, I hear you. The thing is nothing else is having any affect 2-3 months in. It did go as well as expected, making her mad. Which I get.

Still going down the path of letting her go, and thinking those links were my last resort. She is free to start mediation. I haven't news on that end. I helped our toddler, baby in their morning routine, watched W play with them, all having a good time. Hows a man supposed to let this all go without fighting to the bone to protect it.


Your WAS is a cat. You cannot make a cat come to you. That is their nature. All you can do is pretend you don't care and eventually the cat will wonder why you aren't pursuing them and come to you. Give her time and space. Let her go to get her back. Sending her pro-marriage links is the opposite of that and has approaching a 0.00000000001% chance of having a positive effect.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Core #2875336 12/09/19 04:11 PM
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C,

Incase you’re wondering why your feeling anxiety it is because it is hard wired in your body from thousands of years of evolution. Thousands of years ago when you were rejected from the tribe your life was in danger because you were almost sure to die if you were cast out on your own. Right now your brain doesn’t know the difference.

Trust me though you will not die from this not matter what happens.

Core #2875340 12/09/19 04:29 PM
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Core, stop stop stop stop stop! You are breaking every DB rule there is and just absolutely destroying your chances of recon. You need to go completely dark on your W so you can reevaluate what you're doing. Go back to basics. Read the book. Read Sandi's rules EVERY SINGLE DAY and make those a template on how you behave. Go back to your first page and read ever single link Cadet posted. Go back and read every response you've received. Learn to SHUT UP and/ or walk away when you want to speak out. Read other threads on here, read the responses. Right now you need to focus on absorbing and learning.

You really need to understand something- at this moment in time there is NOTHING you can do to bring your W back. NOTHING. But there is PLENTY you can do to drive her farther away, including just about anything you do to try to bring her back. And that's what you've been doing. So stop!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Core #2875342 12/09/19 04:35 PM
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Core, what AS is describing to you is what we like to call "the illusion of action". We think in the heat of our sitches that doing something....anything, is better than nothing.

Cadet likes to remind LBSs that do nothing IS doing something. So don't fall for the illusion of action, and instead realize that consciously doing nothing is doing something.....the right something.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Core #2875345 12/09/19 04:46 PM
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Core -

You are getting some incredible advice from the vets.

If your anxiety is through the roof, that is a signal to STOP and do nothing until your anxiety abates. Anxiety will make your monkey brain bounce around out of control.

As LH19 said, anxiety has never killed anyone.

These situations can feel like worst-case scenarios if you have anxiety issues. Anxiety can not only block you from a chance of fixing your MR, it can block you from enjoying a healthy happy life. Focus on the latter part. Does it feel good to be super anxious? I lost 20 pounds from my anxiety when things fell apart. It did not feel good.

What helped me most is understanding that my brain was telling me the only way to reduce my anxiety was to fix my MR. I felt powerless, my happiness completely dependent on another person. Don’t listen to your monkey brain. You are a worthwhile person and you deserve happiness.

Core #2875387 12/09/19 08:35 PM
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Steve85, so you're saying theres a chance! J/K. I thought 2-3 months may be enough time but man, this is not looking in my favor at all. Granted I made mistakes to delay it. What gets me, Sandi2's H did none of the right DB actions from what I understand, she made it work. I'm done breaking these again for the 2nd or 3rd time. The illusion of action..that one stuck.

Ovrrbrnw, thanks for checking in. Exercise and diet are incredible, actually have visible abs for the first time in about 7 years. Keeping strong on that end. Thats so much easier than the mental part! You're right on being on the fence, I'm changing my mind almost daily here.

LH19, thats a great way of putting it. Already being high anxiety, I'm through the roof!

AS, U, I wonder if I'm subconsciously self sabotaging here and or I dont 100% trust the method. All I know is 2 weeks of breaking all thr rules and 4-6 weeks of following both neither have produced any result. Though I still don't know all the repercussions yet from yesterday chats or the links I shared.

I want happiness, I dont want to become a massively different person to win this woman back and have the pressure of maintaining that new self my whole life. This woman loved me for me, though she said I was all facades yesterdays. She's not 100 percent wrong as I did fall back in to nice guy so I can see how she feels she purchased a lemon. She just forgets repairs can be made or perhaps maintenance was lacking too long. My friends, if my chat yesterday didnt push her out of limbo towards either end, I'm not sure how long I'll stay in limbo. She asked me how long I'd stay and I poorly said many years. She told me it wont be years. I've no clue what her plan is but she is using me, disrespecting me and holding my life and heart in limbo. Per DB rules, I just let this keep going while working on myself?


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2875394 12/09/19 09:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Core

AS, U, I wonder if I'm subconsciously self sabotaging here and or I dont 100% trust the method. All I know is 2 weeks of breaking all thr rules and 4-6 weeks of following both neither have produced any result.

4-6 weeks is an eye blink.

MWD talks in DR about trying little experiments with your spouse and gauging the results, over a period of a few weeks. This is what you are doing. One big difference between her book and this board is most of us are in much more dire circumstances. So we tend to advise detaching, and not looking so much at our WAS for feedback, because the relationship is already broken in many ways.

Originally Posted by Core
I want happiness, I dont want to become a massively different person to win this woman back and have the pressure of maintaining that new self my whole life.

This is great insight into DB!

Now, how are you going to find happiness? It sounds like you recognize the perils of using your MR status or your W's approval as a measuring stick of your happiness. You don't want that.

DB is all about becoming happy and healthy and whole. Tangentially, it just may save your MR. Or not.

unchien #2875470 12/10/19 10:19 AM
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Originally Posted by unchien

Now, how are you going to find happiness? It sounds like you recognize the perils of using your MR status or your W's approval as a measuring stick of your happiness. You don't want that.

DB is all about becoming happy and healthy and whole. Tangentially, it just may save your MR. Or not.


Thank you U for the support! Didn't even realize it when I wrote it.

Venting session only here. This [bleep]. My parents almost went through the same thing when I was younger and they flipped it around so fast. One was told "the reason I married you was because I never thought you'd do this". The wandering one came back the next day and committed.

Here I am trying almost everything, though in short spurts. W reached out to me last night while sleeping. Maybe to help with our crying son or maybe to have the dreaded mediation chat. I think you're all right here with the action needed to recon. Stick to DB rules. My last chat with W probably just sped up the D, just solidified her opinion. On the plus side, I felt what I said was right in my heart, even if it pushes us to D. In her wayward and wandering state, there is no reasoning or logic. I accept that she is filled with negative feelings and while the wrong thing to do DB wise, I'm glad for the last time here that I told her I cared and that I'm promarriage despite the disgusting things she's said and done. Now with that out there, I harbor no more guilt. I listen to you all here, I live for me and my kids. I was no saint but I'm not what she says. She really only drew reasons for D from about 12-15 chats/issues/fights in the past. After 9 years being together thats no reason for D. They don't add up. Those things should've been forgiven versus turned in to resentment.

I'm telling myself I've got NGS pretty badly here. You know what though, I thought thats how a dad operates. Self sacrifice, putting his family first. Feeling his wifes feelings. Letting go of his edge and being a family man. I'm still going to tackle some sides of NGS but really they arent bad. I've had multiple women in the past few months tell me I seemed confident, and am attractive and thats not from me pulling compliments from them. Maybe I'm beating myself up too much and really my wife was too jaded, hurt, resentful to see what others see. Onward to my plan and continued self improvement.

Last edited by Core; 12/10/19 10:23 AM.

H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2875484 12/10/19 01:25 PM
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Originally Posted by Core


I'm telling myself I've got NGS pretty badly here. You know what though, I thought thats how a dad operates. Self sacrifice, putting his family first. Feeling his wifes feelings. Letting go of his edge and being a family man. I'm still going to tackle some sides of NGS but really they arent bad. I've had multiple women in the past few months tell me I seemed confident, and am attractive and thats not from me pulling compliments from them. Maybe I'm beating myself up too much and really my wife was too jaded, hurt, resentful to see what others see. Onward to my plan and continued self improvement.


Core, this tells me that you have no idea what NGS is.

And saying "people tell me all the time...." is a HUGE sign of NGS. NGS looks to be nice, and do the right thing, to get other people to like you. It is fake being nice. Read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy. It does the best job of explaining what NGS, and how to stop it.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
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