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kas99 Offline OP
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No wonder he cracked under the pressure.


Yes I know why he left. I wanted a trial separation (2-3 months) to fix this but he decided to go straight to divorce. Still a BD because we were cuddling, holding hands, making progress but now I know there was OW.

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Originally Posted by kas99
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No wonder he cracked under the pressure.


Yes I know why he left. I wanted a trial separation (2-3 months) to fix this but he decided to go straight to divorce. Still a BD because we were cuddling, holding hands, making progress but now I know there was OW.


kas, please do not miss the point I was making. Putting your "world", the responsibility for your happiness, etc on anyone else is not fair to them. No one can live up to that for another person. Plus there are no guarantees in life.

Stick to your latest plan of finding things to GAL in. You will be amazed at what having direction and purpose can do for you!


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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I really really believe you need some serious professional help. I urge you to seek it.

You are getting some great advice here but above all else I think this from ginger is most important. There are some very wise people here but we are not trained professionals with 1,000s of patients under our belts. I just happened to see your thread and read it. I know you are hurting but there is so much here I’m not sure where to even start. Making H or anyone the center of your universe, your children’s needs and how you seem to resent D14 in part because she is living with your H. Dating or doing cybersex with men online, past trauma... it’s all way too much for people on the Internet, even great folks like are here, to provide meaningful help. You say you want to “table” professional help because you can’t afford it. KAS you cannot afford NOT to get this help. Insurance should cover it. If I’ve seen anyone here that needs help right now it is you. Please don’t put it off. You can’t go in like you are.


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Originally Posted by Tryhard
Looks like a perfect set of goals , I like to formalize it in a notebook so I can check it off each day
Making things as concrete as possible helps as well.

These are more concrete:

Spend less than 1 hour each day on internet at home.

or

only access internet between 7pm and 8pm.

or

No internet after 7pm.



"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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kas99 Offline OP
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Imagine if I were an addict and just got out of rehab. I've been clean for a whopping 28 days and my life feels like a thousand razor blades without a fix. There is darkness in my thoughts, the pain is unbearable, I don't think it will end and don't yet know how to cope. My therapist thought I needed a trauma support group more than talk therapy. Says I need people not unlike AA. My mistake was quitting group to save money.

I went last night can't you tell the difference in my tone? I've gotten a lot of work done today and my thoughts aren't killing me. I've had moments yes but I've been practicing my DBT skills. Today I kinda get that I'm going to have to put in effort to get better. That healing isn't going to happen via wishful thinking or by the passing of time. This will as ginger put it be the hardest think I ever do but I must do it.

DBT teaches basic mastery skills which sounds pretty cool right? Remember it's a trauma support group. Basic mastery is eating, showering, paying bills, going to work, etc. I have not mastered basic skills. Once I master basic skills I can get a hobby. smile

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kas99 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Originally Posted by Tryhard
Looks like a perfect set of goals , I like to formalize it in a notebook so I can check it off each day
Making things as concrete as possible helps as well.

These are more concrete:

Spend less than 1 hour each day on internet at home.
only access internet between 7pm and 8pm.
No internet after 7pm.


Exactly! Today I used the internet as a reward. Complete a task I've been putting off then I get to surf a bit. At night I've pretty much stayed off. My prime internet time is after D17 goes to bed so now I'm forcing myself to go to bed too. I need the extra sleep anyway. I'm waking up earlier than I'd like but it's a small price to pay to stay offline.

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I agree with R2C on setting measurable goals. A lot of people will set really generic goals, like "eat better and lose weight". What does it mean to "eat better"? I used to say that all the time and never followed through. Then I said "I am going to calculate my daily maintenance macros, then reduce those by 10% with a goal of losing 1 pound a week." Then I set up a phone app to track my daily macro intake, and only weighed once a week on Sunday morning and logged my weight. Suddenly I had real targets and goals and a firm plan on how to get there. A pound a week doesn't sound like much but my goal was to maintain muscle mass throughout which I did. And 3 months later I was 12 pounds down and very lean. So yes, making specific goals and plans for yourself make all the difference.

Originally Posted by kas99
I went last night can't you tell the difference in my tone? I've gotten a lot of work done today and my thoughts aren't killing me. I've had moments yes but I've been practicing my DBT skills. Today I kinda get that I'm going to have to put in effort to get better. That healing isn't going to happen via wishful thinking or by the passing of time. This will as ginger put it be the hardest think I ever do but I must do it.

DBT teaches basic mastery skills which sounds pretty cool right? Remember it's a trauma support group. Basic mastery is eating, showering, paying bills, going to work, etc. I have not mastered basic skills. Once I master basic skills I can get a hobby. smile


Fantastic! You've got some great actions going, now stick to them consistently until they become your "new normal".

Last edited by AnotherStander; 12/04/19 08:58 PM.

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I agree with R2C on setting measurable goals. A lot of people will set really generic goals, like "eat better and lose weight". What does it mean to "eat better"? I used to say that all the time and never followed through. Then I said "I am going to calculate my daily maintenance macros, then reduce those by 10% with a goal of losing 1 pound a week." Then I set up a phone app to track my daily macro intake, and only weighed once a week on Sunday morning and logged my weight. Suddenly I had real targets and goals and a firm plan on how to get there. A pound a week doesn't sound like much but my goal was to maintain muscle mass throughout which I did. And 3 months later I was 12 pounds down and very lean. So yes, making specific goals and plans for yourself make all the difference.


Great, great, great advice by AS, here. There is a significant history of mental illness in my family, including in my two sons, and I can tell you that effective goal-setting is a crucial component to dealing with many of them, including depression. Poorly-framed, generic, difficult-to-measure goals are the foundation for frustration and discouragement and failure. Like AS said, set goals that are measurable and specific, not generic. And if some goals seem too large, start smaller, incrementally... but keep them measurable, as he points out with is nutritional and weight loss examples. I would maybe even tighten it up more to exclude the specific weight targets (something you can't control) in favor of just the caloric intake targets and specific exercise goals ("30 minutes of cardio every day" or "walk at least a mile every day" or the like)

The DB-ing books (and coaches, if you ever go that route) make it a point to stress goal-setting in your self-improvement activities and (if you ever get that far) in your reconciliation and MC steps. Very important that your counselor (IC or MC) be a goal-oriented counselor, particularly in your case.

Last edited by hoosjim; 12/04/19 09:51 PM.

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Fantastic! You've got some great actions going, now stick to them consistently until they become your "new normal".


Was texting my instructor today telling her I was feeling better and it was because they don't do this whole zen, you'll be stronger one day thing. She joked that we are the most dysfunctional functional group. We laugh knowing full well zen will come just not today.

Last edited by kas99; 12/04/19 10:47 PM.
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And if some goals seem too large, start smaller, incrementally... but keep them measurable,

The DB-ing books (and coaches, if you ever go that route) make it a point to stress goal-setting in your self-improvement activities and (if you ever get that far) in your reconciliation and MC steps.


For me many of my goals seem too large. I got behind at work so today I focused on doing one thing, internet reward, one more thing, etc. I'm not caught up yet but I can breathe.

How would you do this for self improvement activities like being more positive?

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