I really really believe you need some serious professional help. I urge you to seek it.
My job was a place of refuge going through my divorce. I was very close to my coworkers and I was an ICU nurse. Helping others less fortunate put a lot in perspective for me.
Volunteering and community service also helps. I feel so good helping other, I count my blessings, and give back.
What you are doing isn’t working. Clearly. So what are you going to do differently? What is one tiny little step you can make to improve your mentality?
who’s giddy about that? You said “we’re giddy” Are you including the kids in this giddiness? Because it’s kind of awful for your kids to see and that’s sad.
D17 is angry. I only hear this when she goes over there to visit the pets which isn't often. Most of the time we don't talk about WAH at all. She's asked me to stop and I am doing my best.
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And which is it? The perfect magical life, or this? You are just making up so many different narratives .
My mind flips on a dime depending on triggers.
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And how is it your son hates your daughter and you understand why?! What’s going on there?
D14 is one of those gorgeous girls who could be a model and she knows it. Teachers give her special treatment, random people talk to her, it's like she's a rock star just because she's a stunner. She hangs out with other pretty girls who are mean. S19 doesn't like snobs and fake people. D14 rubs me the wrong way too so I get it. She gets on D17's nerves too.
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Try very hard to step back from his life and get much more involved in yours. What do you want for you as an individual? What can YOU do to make that happen? Not what has your H taken away from you that won’t allow it, but what is in your control to give you the life you want? I don’t see obsessing over him as helping you cope.
I'm so codependent that I see him as taking my life from me. Still working to detach from him (this is so hard). I made him my whole life and now I'm not sure what to do now. I'm lost.
]I really really believe you need some serious professional help. I urge you to seek it.
I've been in and out of therapy for 20 years. My therapist told me I don't need anymore therapy she said I needed a trauma support group. I've been going for 8 months now and is helping. I'm concerned about money so I've backed off a bit. I do not yet know how much support I'm going to get from WAH and presently it's not enough.
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What you are doing isn’t working. Clearly. So what are you going to do differently? What is one tiny little step you can make to improve your mentality?
I'm afraid to tell you because you will yell at me or something. I need to get off the internet. There I said it.
Not a therapist, you need a psychiatrist. One who can counsel you and prescribe appropriately and use different forms of therapy targeted at your severe depression.
No one is yelling at you. But you see how you answered my questions above? You did t answer the actual question. You just made a gloom and doom statement. I asked you why you can do to take control of your life that’s in your power? Your answer was “I’m codependent and I see him as taking my life from me” that’s not a solution. That’s not an action. Why can YOU do?
You seem pretty resentful of your 14 year old daughter because she is stunning and gets it’s of attention. Your child I’m sure can sense that. If she is an actual mean girl, that’s where you come in to help her show kindness and acceptance of others. Is she just gorgeous or is she mean to others too? It’s not fair For her own family to resent her for being beautiful . Ouch! But if she’s being mean, that needs to get nipped in the bud.
Good for you! You recognized a trigger! The internet! Now get off of it! Delete all social media. I need a break sometimes too. Just take the action!
]Not a therapist, you need a psychiatrist. One who can counsel you and prescribe appropriately and use different forms of therapy targeted at your severe depression.
I'm afraid to spend money right now. Lets table this discussion until I get an idea of what WAH's next move is.
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No one is yelling at you. But you see how you answered my questions above? You did t answer the actual question. You just made a gloom and doom statement. I asked you why you can do to take control of your life that’s in your power? Why can YOU do?
Other than filing for D which is me taking control of my life I don't know. I'll have to think about this.
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You seem pretty resentful of your 14 year old daughter because she is stunning and gets it’s of attention. Your child I’m sure can sense that. If she is an actual mean girl, that’s where you come in to help her show kindness and acceptance of others. Is she just gorgeous or is she mean to others too? It’s not fair For her own family to resent her for being beautiful . Ouch! But if she’s being mean, that needs to get nipped in the bud.
I was working on fixing my relationship with her until she distanced herself from me before moving in with WAH. S19 was even getting closer to her before we moved. I was making progress until D14 chose the bigger, nicer house and then it was back to square one. She's not mean but she does hang out with mean girls. I've tried to keep her grounded against her getting special treatment. She's drawn attention since she was a baby. Wasn't a problem until she started school.
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Good for you! You recognized a trigger! The internet! Now get off of it! Delete all social media. I need a break sometimes too. Just take the action!
I wasn't on it much yesterday. I'm anxious about the D. Anxious about having to testify in court. Anxious about seeing him. Wondering how he will react. He's got a bull dog for an attorney so I'm afraid of her. She's going to shred me.
I need to save money but in light of my posts here I realized I needed to go to my support group so I did. They helped calm me down and I came up with goals.
1) Get caught up at work 2) Cook dinner daily 3) Limit my time on the internet 4) Stay distracted/busy (housework, kids, tv, etc.) 5) Commit to weekly support group 6) Challenge negative thoughts with reality (DBT skill)
I know I need to GAL but for now does this list of goals sound good?
I made him my whole life and now I'm not sure what to do now. I'm lost.
This is the crux of your entire problem. This kind of thing is not fair to you NOR to him. No wonder he cracked under the pressure. Marriages are about two healthy individuals coming together as a team. Not 1 or both making the other person their whole life. What if he were killed, or died somehow? Would you be paralyzed not able to move forward because he was your whole life?
Losing a spouse to an OW and getting D'd has been compared to losing a spouse to death. I am afraid that you would not be able to move forward if he were to die, and that is not a healthy place for anyone. The world we live in is an imperfect place. Setting your life up in such a way that the world needs to be perfect for you to thrive is not healthy.
Please heed Ginger's advice.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I need to save money but in light of my posts here I realized I needed to go to my support group so I did. They helped calm me down and I came up with goals.
1) Get caught up at work 2) Cook dinner daily 3) Limit my time on the internet 4) Stay distracted/busy (housework, kids, tv, etc.) 5) Commit to weekly support group 6) Challenge negative thoughts with reality (DBT skill)
I know I need to GAL but for now does this list of goals sound good?
THIS IS AWSOME! A great step in the right direction! So much better than the post I reacted to with my last response. Well done.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Ginger is giving some great advice! And wow Ginger, that story about your mom was painful to read but informative. Thank you for sharing it!
Originally Posted by kas99
I need to save money but in light of my posts here I realized I needed to go to my support group so I did. They helped calm me down and I came up with goals.
1) Get caught up at work 2) Cook dinner daily 3) Limit my time on the internet 4) Stay distracted/busy (housework, kids, tv, etc.) 5) Commit to weekly support group 6) Challenge negative thoughts with reality (DBT skill)
I know I need to GAL but for now does this list of goals sound good?
Yes it sounds fantastic!! Definitely make attending that group a priority, a lot of that is the same as what we say here but I think it has more impact when people are telling you face-to-face versus words posted on the 'net.
