Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
K
kas99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
Please, please, please help me get my brain unstuck but first let me try this again.

1) I love my job

2) I don't have time to be a helicopter mom

3) I don't want to date.

4) I am on the couch in a pit of despair (working on this).

I've got it in my head that this pit of despair won't go away until I'm in another relationship. That I'll be unfulfilled without a man in my life. That a good job, friends, kids and hobbies won't be enough. That I'll always feel this longing and when/if I decide to date the selection of available men will be nil. I'll be stuck on online dating where I get spammed by every creep within 30 miles.

Meanwhile....WAH has someone fabulous already.

Go ahead hit me with the 2x4's. I honestly believe everything I just typed.

Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 4,627
Likes: 71
Originally Posted by kas
4) I am on the couch in a pit of despair (working on this).

Gratitude is a good place to start to combat negativity, as already mentioned. Write down the things you’re thankful for—what’s wonderful this month about D14, D17, S19, your contribution to work, online dating (lol), the home you’ve made of your house, your day. Each of these things may have faults and challenges, too! This helps with perspective.

Almost forgot! Leave your house/couch for GAL activities. Fake it ‘til you make it.

Last edited by CWarrior; 12/02/19 11:24 PM.
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 310
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 310
That’s just fear , despair and despondency. Is that what you are going to let things become for you . How about trying to be the person that is happy and content when life is hard . Enjoy the challenge. Get out and see nature and see how great the world is outside of your situation. A long walk in nature does the soul good

Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
Just wondering...... do you think a pit of despair is attractive to a potential mate? What’s attractive is a woman who is out there doing things, has her cr@p together, loves herself and loves her life and doesn’t need a relationship.

Do you think you can make sure your kids are out on their own and taken care of from being a pit of despair on your couch? Is being a pit of despair something that your ex would find attractive and want to try to be a better man and husband?

You can have your end goals of wanting a happy healthy relationship and your kids thriving on their own. But you got to lay the groundwork for that

Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
K
kas99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
Ginger wasn't it you who wanted someone?

Have to cook dinner - back soon but one (okay two) more things. WAH will never have to do online dating. His idiot friend who has been married 3 times knows everyone here. It's an endless supply of women to date.

In the past 4 days I have cooked every night including a thanksgiving dinner, baked a pie, my bills are all paid, laundry is caught up, got holiday decorations out of storage, dishes are done, and today I was productive at work.

This is hard as heck, I feel like crap, I'm dizzy from not eating (I've lost my appetite again), I'm nauseous, but I'm forcing myself to get off the couch (some).


Last edited by kas99; 12/02/19 11:57 PM.
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
Originally Posted by kas99
Here is where I’m stuck. I read everything, lots of stories and it seems like the only people happy post divorce are those who partnered back up. ... Will I be unhappy until I’m in another relationship?
I was happy before I partnered back up. Do all the hard work before looking for a R.

The key is making your own happiness, without being in a relationship. Find joy in everything.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
Absolutely I want someone. I’ve been single for the greater part of 12 years. Took my time to focus on my daughter, heal from the pain and anger and then I discovered me again and for a while Ioved being single! No one to answer to, had a great time just hanging out with my best girlfriends, just enjoying life.

I became whole. I got off that couch, I discovered hobbies I enjoy. Advanced my degree in nursing. Bought a house. Been on a few vacations. I’ve loved me, I’ve loved life, and now I do have a desire to be with someone to share all of that. It’s a want. I want it, I don’t NEED it to survive or live a life. I have slumps around the holidays and I’m a few months out of a relationship that I thought was going somewhere and I bonded with his son and I miss him horribly. but I’m picking myself up and moving forward even though I feel kind of down. I don’t waste my mental energy on my ex BF. The only thing that weighs on my mind is his son.

You completely focused on none of the reality of what I said, but instead your mind is thinking about how your H will never have to online date? How in god’s name can this make your life any better?! You are wasting your mental energy that needs to be focused on you.

Please read what I wrote you multiple times. Really take it in. Because you are spinning in circles, hearing nothing of what we are saying and are so focused on made up scenarios of your H. Ask yourself how this is helping you at all.

I understand you are hurting. But if you don’t want to hurt anymore, you have got to take steps towards that. You have to do the work. It’s some of the hardest work you’ll ever do, but you have to do it

Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
K
kas99 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,622
Likes: 12
I am reading, listening and I'm aware I'm whining. Let me explain how my brain works. I have to solve the problem in my head today. I don't have hope, or faith, nothing other than logic.

I'm fretting over not having a good man in my life to grow old with. I can't imagine any scenario that is different from the one in my head.

Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9,309
Likes: 283


Your thoughts are controlling you. Learn to control your thoughts. It takes work, but so much better.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
You can’t solve the problem in your head today. So time to change things up. How do you get to having a good man in your life? What is the work you need to do. I usually say do it for yourself, but you are fixated on this, so that will be your goal.

I imagine you have had conflict before or a certain goal you have had to work towards in steps. How did you handle that?

Page 2 of 11 1 2 3 4 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard