Hi everyone. I had to take down my first thread because it had way too many details in it. You just don't know who is reading here. I have spend the afternoon reading Bluwave's many threads and the issue of being a doormat comes up over and over vs. detaching/GAL etc. I'd like to hear some feedback on that.
Quick review: Steve and Ready2Change have responded to me before so I think they know who I am. Steve was pretty disgusted with me initially but I was a quick study and earned his approval . For everyone else: my H filed for D a few weeks ago after a 2 year separation. There is no OW and never has been . He became hopeless after a long period of basically a roommate marriage. I made BIG changes and it seems to be working to some extent. He has moved toward me, asking me out for meals several times this past week, showing an interest in what I am doing and basically acting as if nothing ever happened.
Here's what is bugging me. He doesn't act like someone who really wants a divorce. I have read story after story on here and have seen nothing like mine. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't want to be a doormat but I also want interaction, when it is offered. I also don't want to be strung along for months and then have him toodle on down to the courthouse and do it anyway. My gut tells me that isn't going to happen but who knows?
I don't want to confront him this early in the process and put him on the spot but should I down the road if this continues? I am in full GAL mode, trying to detach my feelings from this but still able to be triggered so I'm not ready to draw the line (yet). At some point I will be but there are a few small obstacles I need to overcome.
I spent a long time reading poster Bluwave's threads and a theme that comes up over and over is let them go, don't be a doormat. I get that, I really do. I think at least on the surface I have let him go. I literally leave him 100% alone. He initiates all contact. Not a single day has passed in MONTHS that I have not heard from him. His tone toward me has changed a lot - much less hostile and more friendly.
I don't know what to think or what to do.
Last edited by Newbie20; 12/02/1912:38 AM. Reason: add info
I would say to continue doing what you’re doing because it’s working. You have to have infinite patience and your expectations tempered during this process.
After the events talked about above, which had me pretty optimistic, the momentum got derailed when my H had to go out of town to attend a dying relative and did not tell me he was doing it. Without going into ugly details, that caused a bit of a psycho reaction on my part (which I did not know I had in me but was triggered by things that would have made anyone in my position crazy without information). Once I learned the truth, and he actually took the time to explain to me why I was wrong, I quickly apologized, took full accountability, and stated I would not bother him anymore. Well, he doesn't want me to not bother him. The day he came home he sent me a couple of "business" texts which I didn't answer, and then a personal one. Nothing earth shattering but one that indicated he thought of me and what my interests are. So, on the surface, no harm done, but the tenor of the communications since then have been much less warm with a few small exceptions. He has not missed one day contacting me, actually since the BD, and he is the first one to reach out every time. I do not. He still seems to be interested in what I am doing somewhat. He also confirmed to me that he meant to put me on the company health insurance for 2020, at least for now I guess, and he knows that if he divorces me, I can't be on it.
Here's the problem I have. He can in theory at least, go down and finalize this divorce he filed in 2 weeks. That is causing me gigantic stress and fear. About two weeks ago, I asked him straight out if he was going to it and he said he didn't want to talk about it. Wow. I gave him a chance to tell me he was going to and he didn't.
Simplistic advice about GAL, focus on yourself, etc. is great but doesn't address the root cause of my stress. Should I confront him and ask what he is doing? I really don't want to. He has not given me any indication that he is doing this; i.e. hasn't asked me to separate joint accounts, etc. I feel like if I did that, I would not get a definitive answer and would damage/maybe kill the interaction we still have which is finally beginning to warm up ever so slightly. I absolutely know this is not fair to me but I feel like if I want to have any chance of salvaging this situation, I need to continue just being with him when he reaches out and trying to rebuild emotional attraction. I have I think managed to get some going. The court won't dismiss the case until May so there is plenty of time.
I'm a bit confused. You said that he's filed, but have you been served? I think you said you know the business and you know that you would get notice of all his legal actions (or if you have an attorney, they would)
I assume your state is a no fault state, but that doesn't mean that you wouldn't get notice or be part of the process. If that is the case, you don't need to ask him. My state has a case lookup so you can't see the status of the case at any time on the court's website. Obviously, you can't see the individual documents unless you are part of the case.
Here's the problem I have. He can in theory at least, go down and finalize this divorce he filed in 2 weeks. That is causing me gigantic stress and fear. About two weeks ago, I asked him straight out if he was going to it and he said he didn't want to talk about it. Wow. I gave him a chance to tell me he was going to and he didn't.
This means if you confront him now he isn't going to tell you the truth. He's already filed so your options are limited. My situation is different from yours in that there is OW so I filed a month ago. I was going to have to file soon for support anyway the OW just made the decision as to when easier.
We're both attorneys. I signed a waiver which caused the move back toward me I talked about earlier. My feeling is that he will ultimately not go through with it but the limbo land is causing me huge stress.
The legal technicalities of this are not an issue. There is no dispute over property. What I am trying to deal with is how to salvage this thing in the face of what looks to me like a reluctance to go through with it vs. the idea that he now can do it if he wants to.
. For everyone else: my H filed for D a few weeks ago after a 2 year separation. There is no OW and never has been . He became hopeless after a long period of basically a roommate marriage. I made BIG changes and it seems to be working to some extent. He has moved toward me, asking me out for meals several times this past week, showing an interest in what I am doing and basically acting as if nothing ever happened.