First, you need to keep the focus on you and your children.
Focusing on her, her behavior and trying to figure out what she will or will not do or say now or in the future is going to try you crazy. Each person in crisis will have similar behavior, but you need to remember that each person is unique in their childhood years, personality traits, and of course, what little coping skills that they have. That means, no one can actually predict exactly what your wife will do.
If your wife is doesn't look well, chances are she is burning the candle at both ends or hasn't been sleeping well. Many of them can't sleep at night because that is when the world is quiet and the little elves in their heads are playing reruns of about what they are doing and making her feel guilty and ashamed of the way she is treating you and her family. Also, she may be ill. Many of them tend to be ill quite often during most of the crisis.
She may begin to dress differently, opt to eat different food, play different music, get tattoos, body piercings, change up her appearance completely. She may even begin to talk the latest way that teenagers do. The phone will become a permanent appendage and she may be on it a lot.
She may go completely radio silent on you for a while. If she does, don't worry...she will be back around to touch base w/you when you least expect it. As for her contacting you via text and/or email, don't be too quick to respond back. Give it a couple of hours or the next day if it's not an emergency. If she should ask why you didn't respond back asap, you can simply state that you've been busy. I would suggest that you do not contact her unless it is an emergency or something child related.
You want her to miss you and she can't do that if you are contacting her. Give her plenty of space and time to truly miss you and the family.
As for you, keep that focus on you and your children. Dig deeper for patience and find plenty of GAL activities to help keep your mind focused elsewhere.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
a big adjustment for the LBS...Did the younger kids stay with her?
many MLCers become irresponsible parents
If they are using drugs, prescriptions or alcohol excessively they need to be watched Many get worse over time
as time went on, my XH became more irresponsible He came less to visit
He was once a good father, hard worker and totally sober man- he became an awful parent
They change into a different person they are unreachable
This is the time for you to look within, heal yourself, get spiritual, create a new life for you and the kids MLC takes a long time 2-7 years and some longer Therapy is helpful for LBS as this is a huge adjustment
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I know I am singing to the choir, but this cr@p is just, well....cr@p. I wake up everyday thinking I had a nightmare. this just does not seem fair. we have been through so much, good and bad, the last 30 years. this is not what neither of us had plans for. by nature, I am an analytical-problem solver. but this has me stumped. I want to blame God, but I know that he does not cause things to happen. I just want my d@mn Wife back!!!
Last edited by job; 12/11/1903:19 PM. Reason: edited language
I am sorry you find yourself here. It is really something, isn’t it? 30 years, plans, etc... and then this situation.
I know where you are. My W threw away me, her kids, her life, everything.
You have been forced onto a path you didn’t choose. The journey is difficult and very rewarding. Honest. This does get so much better.
Much of the advice will seem counterintuitive, not sound like the thing you should do. As you progress things will clear and will look brighter and better.
I am a problem solver as well. Most of us here are. This is one problem you cannot fix. You can’t fix her because you didn’t break her.
You can reframe or redefine the problem and fix yourself. Become the best version of you.
Focus on you. That is very sound advice that you’ll hear a lot of. Everything starts there.
You have the gift of time, use it well and use it wisely. Focus on you. Give W lots of space and time.
A MLCer is driven to run to escape from deep unrecognized torment and pain from long ago trauma usually inflicted from a person of authority in their younger years. Once a crisis is entered, it must run its course. The spouse you knew will change becoming the opposite of who you knew, the opposite of who they once were. They are trying to recapture their lost youth, relive those moments, to do all the things they didn’t get to. They will loose so much in the pursuit of their hollow dreams and fantasies.
Focus on you.
This process will take years. Much longer than you will want. I want my wife back too! Hmmm, I haven’t seen her in over two years. Well a couple of glimpses which lasted for a minute or so, and then back to that 18 year old teenager personality.
G, you focus on you. Push back denial. Find detachment and indifference. Work through the withdrawal of your addiction to W and your relationship. Let go of W, fear, attachment, etc... Find forgiveness.
All while choosing better not bitter. Remaining compassionate and gaining empathy. Healing your wounds and growing to the best version of yourself.
It sounds daunting. Really though it is just moving forward on your path, in your time, and in your order. It all starts with focus on you.
I hope we will talk soon.
Stay strong.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Hi Goonies. No extra words of wisdom except what has already been said by others. Focus on you. Be the best person you can be for you and your kids. Take all of the pressure off your WAS. When you see her, treat her like a neighbour that you like but don’t know well. Polite, upbeat and gracious. You WILL get through this regardless of the outcome and if you do the things that are being suggested, you will be amazed at how much better you will feel in a year. (((HUGS)))
It gets better as the others have said and if you use this time wisely for your growth...you will become happy again with or without her we Have all traveled the road...it gets better..then good..then great
hang in
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I have been learning and applying the NC. it has been rough for me. it seems when we have to talk about the kids, she is still so vile and negative. last week she got dug in to me and it really affected me. one thing that I don't agree with, W and D15 have become BFF, in turn, I am the Devil. W acts like she is 15. W moved out a month ago and already she is trying to paint me the deadbeat D. she insisted that she keep the adopted babies. I have let her contact me when she wants me to pick them up, and which I do gladly. I keep them for days at a time. in front of D15 she states that I have never ever once called and asked to take them. well, its only been a month. saying that I am a deadbeat dad is something she would have never said. also, she would have never degraded me in front of our children.
she is mad that I do not communicate with her. she says that I am abandoning the family, yet I am all alone in the family home.
I cannot believe the amount of lying she does, for no reason, it baffles me.
Breathe! She needs to paint you as the bad guy in order to justify what she is doing and why she walked.
Call her on it when she degrades you in front of the children. There is no excuse for that behavior. You would call your children, especially teenagers, out if they did something like this. Your wife is acting like a teen and sometimes you have to step up to the plate and call them on their behavior.
They do love to lie. It's all part of the journey and it's their way of covering their tracks and trying to alleviate their guilt and one more thing...she's projecting a lot of BS on to you when, in fact, she is the one that is lying.
Try to remain calm and keep your voice as even as you can when addressing her. Do not get into arguments or screaming matches w/her. When she's doing this kind of stuff, walk away. You do not need to take her BS. Leave her to her own mess and that way the only person she fights w/is herself.
Detaching from the drama will come slowly into play, breathe! Dig deeper for patience and do not take her bait!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
