Sitting here in the dark looking at my new Christmas tree with its sparkling bright lights, I just realised it is the six month anniversary of BD.
On this day six months ago, I had the day off from work and went to get my hair cut and coloured. I was one week into anxiety medication and feeling great. We had had sex three times that week after only managing once a month since the birth of S1. I finally felt like things were on the up and up. H had been unusually reserved and polite after an argument about the iron earlier in the week, but I didnít think too much of it. It was over an iron, after all, and it had been resolved.
H called during the day to say he was going shopping after work and would be home for dinner. I encouraged him to treat himself, we joked about something, exchanged love yous. At dinner time, he messaged to say he was going out with a friend and that he was sorry he couldnít be there to help with the baby. I asked him if he was alright and he replied that he had a lot on his mind. Worried, I called to check that he was actually ok. He said yes then went silent, then said bye and hung up.
After that, I started to panic. I got the baby into bed and started thinking about the near full box of anxiety meds in the bathroom cupboard. My fear got ahold of me and sent me to a very dark place. I wanted to take the whole box and make the fear, panic, and pain stop. I had enough foresight to call my mother and I held my sleeping baby while I waited for her to arrive. We sat in the babyís room in the dark and I shared my worst fears. I had a premonition of what was to come.
At close to midnight, H messaged that he was coming home. I assured my mother I would be alright and she left. When H got home, he didnít want to talk, he was tired and wanted space. In tears, I said I was worried and wouldnít be able to sleep unless I knew he was ok. He said no, he didnít want to, over and over he repeated no, no, no. Eventually he started to cry. I hugged him and said it was ok to be sad, itís ok to cry, tell me whatís wrong. He choked out that he didnít want to disappoint the people who had helped us. I drew back and said slowly, do you mean if we split up? He nodded.
We sat down on the lounge. He stopped crying and started to turn cold. He said he wasnít happy. His life wasnít what it was supposed to be. He had settled for a mediocre job, and settled for... he looked at me. I asked me? He nodded. I have forgotten the next half hour or so of conversation, but it was basically alternating between asking him questions and reasoning with him.
Eventually it came down to he just didnít love me anymore. He was resolute.
I ended up on my knees, holding his hand, begging, crying, pleading. All those yucky, degrading things you do when the rug has been pulled from under you. Tears slid from his eyes again but he just kept shaking his head. Eventually he shook me off and went to sleep in the spare room. I went to my bed and did not sleep at all. Around 4am I went into his bed and cuddled up to his back, but still couldnít sleep.
At 5am he rolled over, saw me, and grumbled angrily that I was disturbing his sleep because he was starting a leadership course at work that day. He was angry at me for ďdoing thisĒ the night before his course and that I had put my own selfish needs before his very important work. I burst into tears and apologised saying I had been so worried about him. I asked him to stay home so we could talk and he scoffed at the idea. At this point the baby was awake and crying, I was crying, and H was running out the door.
Annnnd scene. That was BD. The ripples of devastation had only just begun to spread.
So much gets blown up, our life, the kidsí lives, our spousesí life, work, home, family, friends, etc...
That moment is aptly named, as Bomb Drop.
Those ripples of devastation do spread out, engulfing a lot.
And underneath that wave of destruction is a undercurrent of hope and renewal. LBS, kids, family, friends, work, etc... all can become rebuilt, stronger, and so much better for having survived and healing from this.
The destruction, the bomb, is quick. The rebuilding is a slow process. The time is well invested, building bonds and self worth that are much stronger than the forces that toppled it all before.
I am happy you can, and are, reflecting upon that moment without cynicism and vengeance. I believe you are using your gift of time very well.
Enjoy the sparkling lights with your son.
Current Me52 XW49 S23 S21 S19 D18
Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15 M26 T29 Dec 9/17-Legal Separation Oct 3/18-W Files Apr 6/19-Divorced
Your h had been bubbling in his cauldron for quite some time before the bomb drop. The argument may have been over an iron, but honestly, the iron was just an excuse to have the argument. Having sex three times that particular week was his way of trying to reconnect and yes to "feel" that love that had gone numb within him.
Please do not take anything he says or does personally. He's a lost soul trying to find his way and to feel "alive" again. Depression tends to numb their souls and hearts, especially towards the one person that they vowed to love till death due us part.
Continue to focus on you and your child. Enjoy that Christmas tree because Christmas is a magical time of the year and anything is possible. It is also the time of new beginnings and a new year is around the corner. Scout, you are doing great and it's good to reflect, but don't stay in the past wondering and thinking the "what ifs". This journey that your h is on is one that you weren't invited to participate in. Trust me when I say this....if he was single or had been married to someone else, his crisis would have still happened. You didn't break him and you can't fix him. He has to dig deep within his soul and accept the things that he couldn't change as a young child. He needs to understand that he's not at fault for being emotionally stunted at an early age.
Continue as you have been and dig deeper for patience. You've got a great support team here and most likely IRL. He doesn't. Some day, he will have to run to catch up w/your emotional and spiritual growth. At that time, it will be up to you as to whether you want to reconcile or move on completely w/your life w/o him in it as a spouse.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you all for your wise and caring thoughts. Iím very thankful for the day I found this forum. It means a lot that you all take the time to read and comment on my story.
H just picked up S1 for his family Christmas weekend. He was 15 minutes late with no phone call or message in advance and no acknowledgement or apology when he arrived. Jeez, that really steams me. But I did not say anything about it because my expectations of him are below zero. I asked S1 to say hi, handed over his bags and gifts for Hís family, told S1 I loved him and would see him tomorrow, and hoped they would have a great time. I did not speak to H directly.
I admit Iím feeling a little ruffled right now. He doesnít know that I know about OW. Every time I see him, I want to call him a liar and a cheater. I donít and I wonít and thatís why Iím NC. But even just the sight of him is repulsive to me now.
As itís S1ís first overnight away from home, I though I would feel sad. I expected to feel like I was missing out on a fun family weekend. But I really donít. I have no desire to be part of it, or to spend time with H. Thatís my old life, and Iím starting a better one on my own. I have a big weekend of GAL planned - seeing my financial advisor today to Ďsinglefyí my life insurance and other policies, then out with a friend for dinner, my first sleep-in EVER since S1 was born, and then some home reno projects with my stepdad tomorrow. Once S1 is dropped off tomorrow, weíll go to his daycare Christmas party. Hooray!
Since the OW revelation in October, I think Iíve been slowly standing down. At first, I examined my feelings and was surprised to realise the cheating wasnít a dealbreaker, and my goal was still to reconcile. I was at peace with my decision to stand until the divorce was final after twelve months. But over the last two months, my feelings have utterly died, and I am at peace with that too. I have no interest in any kind of relationship with this person at this point in time. He is my sonís father; nothing more.
Scout, I've said it before, but it bears repeating, you are doing such a great job. You have such a wonderful life ahead of you. If ever you doubt your choices, think about if it is like this now, how is this guy going to handle midlife. You can respect the time you spent with him and his role in your child's life, but still go on to have your own.
Exactly. If heís like this now, hows he going to be when you encounter major challenges in life? When your child develops an eating disorder, or a drug addiction, or special needs of some kind, or you become sick? Stuff happens and if he couldnít make it through a pregnancy heís unlikely to be useful to you in future challenges.
Good spouses who have a temporary mental derangement are worth fighting for. But spouses with personality disorders, serious long-term character defects, or abusive behavior are not worth waiting for unless theyíre seriously motivated to change.
I think youíre just beginning to realize how badly H was gaslighting you and how much was missing from your marriage.